Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hmmm....

Wellb*trin is really helping and I'm hoping that a quit date is imminent. Feeling ever so much better. I take a double dose 80mg of L*tensin for my blood pressure every day and on a good (low stress) day my resting BP runs about 150/95. Because it runs so high (hereditary and have been medicated since I was 15) I try to check it every other day or so. I've read several places that Wellb*trin can cause BP increases. Obviously don't need that so I've been checking it every day now. Today was 114/63! A miracle in itself. Woo hoo! Have no idea if it's the exercise (although it's never been this low before on an exercise program) or the vitamin regimen. Really don't care, just tickled to see those numbers.

Today the Chia Seeds came and I've started taking those. Yes....I do everything Christine tells me to do. :) I didn't listen to *prah or Dr. *z. cause Christine is where it's at. :) She's supposed to be working up a post on it so be looking. Among having omegas it also helps with:

•weight loss/balance
•thyroid conditions
•hypo-glycaemia
•diabetes
•IBS
•celiac disease
•acid reflux
•lowering cholesterol
•Provides energy
•Boosts strength
•Bolsters endurance
•Levels blood sugar
•Induces weight loss
•Aids intestinal regularity

There's more but you can click on the link above and check it out.

I've found a great company that is family owned, Nuts Online, has them for $7 a pound. Very reasonable. Love the stuff. Great straight out of the container and I've also made up some of the gel. Put the girls on it too. They included a gift bag of chocolate mint cookies in the package. That certainly made me appreciate them even more. :)

****Edited to add: Christine sent me this link right after I put this post up so I need to include it.

I'm also working up a post on what it's like parenting J these days. It's still rolling around in my head but it will come to fruition soon.

Monday, March 22, 2010

What a Difference a Day Makes

This morning I woke up back to me again. And ever so grateful. It made me have a new respect for how the wrong meds can affect you. Honestly it was pretty scary for a while yesterday. On top of that I felt like I was walking through mud that was as deep as I am tall. Struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't realize how bad I was feeling until this morning and I was actually able to do stuff. Like make breakfast, walk, (today I finally mastered 31 minutes this morning and 20 tonight and it felt great!!!!!) act like a mom, make a sentence, brush my teeth, etc.

We made the trek to town and I got a script from a PA for welb*trin. Ten days to Q-Day.

Ashley became a mom today. A beautiful baby girl. J & I are over the moon for her!!!!

It snowed today. Nope. I am not kidding.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Not So Good...

I started chant*x last Tuesday. Everything was pretty good until day 3. On day 4 you're supposed to take 2 pills a day. Friday was so-so. Saturday it was a beautiful day and all I could think of was taking a nap. Today I barely got out of bed. I didn't even bother exercising. Didn't have the energy. This afternoon I finally figured out that I am depressed. Like majorly depressed. Knew all the B-vitamins should be picking me up so didn't think they were they cause and finally deduced that it had to be chant*x. Sure enough one of the side effects is depression. The nausea isn't so great either. This is so not cool.

Going to try to figure out an economical way to try wellb*trin. Not having insurance majorly stinks at times like these. If I am able to do wellb*trin I may have to re-think my quit date since it takes (I've heard) 5 to 6 weeks to get in your system. Having to wait 5 or 6 more weeks makes me want to cry and the thoughts of quitting on Tuesday makes me want to cry too. Having to sit for a doctor's appointment makes me want to cry. Puddin is looking at me and it's making me want to cry. Yep. You guess it....pretty much everything is making me want to cry. This is so not me.

This just sucks.

Hoping it's out of my system by tomorrow.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Changes

Just because I'm a sorry blogger lately doesn't mean there isn't a lot going on. Didn't want y'all to think it's all crickets over here.

I've really begun a plan to take better care of myself. I need to for me and my kids.

A few of the changes are:

1. I've given up coffee. (Actually it's coffee flavored milk but still....) no more caffeine at all. The weird thing is that now I have more energy. Can someone please explain that?

2. Lots of dietary changes including going pretty much vegetarian (except for sushi). I'm shopping the perimeter of the grocery store in fresh items only except for staples. I've never been big on processed foods but I've really cut them out now. Even tried quinoa for the first time. We made this dish yesterday and it was a big hit. Portobello burgers are a current favorite for everyone.

3. Started a vitamin regimen. I already had one for the girls but I'd left myself out mostly due to the expense. I have decided that I need them regardless of the expense and my repulsion of taking pills. Omega's, B-2, B-12, niacin, kelp, CoQ10 and magnesium in an effort to jump start my failing metabolism and for the energy boost. Click here to learn why you should be taking CoQ10. Kelp is here. You might know all this stuff but I was shocked.

4. Power walking 20 in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening.

5. Drinking 5 to 6 20 oz glasses of water daily.

6. Started drinking 4 oz of Essiac Tea daily to detox my system. It is mainly used to treat cancer homeopathically and I have several friends that are still living (many years later) from using Essiac Tea even though they had been sent home with hospice. I have taken it before for chronic constipati*n (like hospitalized for it and years on miral*x) and it cured my problem so I'm using it now as a detox. More about Essiac Tea here. I make it myself so that I know the quality and freshness cause it's a piece of cake and it's much cheaper than buying it pre-made. $20 makes about 4 gallons which lasts about 3 months. It's found here.

7. I've started taking Chant^x. Yes.... you heard me. My dirty, nasty, shameful secret is out there for all the world to see. *hanging head in shame* I smoke. (There's a saying that you're only as sick as your secrets so maybe I just got a bit healthier by admitting it.) I hate that I smoke. I hate the way it smells, hate that I'm a slave to them, just loathe the habit all together. It's nasty and disgusting. Don't hate it enough to go through the pain of quitting though. So I've resorted to chemical help. My quit day is next Tuesday. Just so y'all know....I quit before I got J. Then I got her.......and the stress went through the roof and I caved. Blech. Please pray, send energy, positive thoughts....whatever you believe in....send it my way. I could really use it. ♥ Planning on tweeting on the good, bad and ugly on quit day and after.

J had a pretty bad weekend. She was very pissed off that she didn't get to go to NYC this past weekend with G and you know that was all my fault so she showed me with her behavior. I had figured out that was the reason she was mad but since it was almost therapy day I left it to Kristy to address. Now she's not mad about that anymore but the time change is throwing things out of whack for the littles. I've noticed that the fact that I'm taking better care of myself is bizarre to the girls too. Yet I know I'm setting an example to do it for themselves when they are grown.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Painful Truth

Forgive me for rambling. It seems my life has become very rambly and if I don't just throw it out there I'll lose my nerve to post. Apologies in advance for the heavy.

Sometimes I'm hanging by a thread or so it seems. One minute at a time, one second at a time.

Grief is a funny thing. Well not really. It's sneaky and cunning. One second I am fine and the next overwhelmed. I still feel no need to grieve G because I've really worked hard on processing it for years. I am grieving a relationship that happened eleven years ago and the bad decisions I made at that time. There was a casualty, figuratively speaking, and I was the one that held the knife. My behavior was reprehensible. Not sure why it has hit so ruthlessly now. I'm doing a lot of writing, processing, tapping and therapy regarding that time. Regrets. Too many to count. I've done quite a bit of work on my life over the years and thought I covered my regrets. That's what I get for thinking. Somewhere deep down I knew it was there but it was too painful to face it. My behavior during that time still makes me cringe every time I think of it. Another layer of the onion to peel away. Recovery is a process not an event, I suppose.

I think I'm right in the middle of a miracle and lordy it's hard when you're in the middle of it. I know the outcome will be a bright, shining rainbow and another layer of freedom and joy but dang, when you're right in the middle it's so painful.

Working with my girls has forced me to look at things differently. That's a good thing even if it hurts for now. Settling for less of myself would make me a very bad role model.

I wish I'd done things differently. I wish I didn't care. I wish, I wish, I wish. Daammmmmnnnn.

Knowing it will be worth every second of pain when I come out of the darkness.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." Mark Twain

Working on forgiving myself. Working on letting go of the past and the future. Letting go of the outcome. Grieving what I thought my life would be. It's all going to be OK.




I've written it all down extensively and put it in my God Can. It's not mine anymore. Every time I think of it I'm writing it down and putting it in the can. So far there's been 10 more additions.

Things are very calm now with G. I'm keeping my side of the street clean and setting up clear boundaries. I'm moving forward and reclaiming my life.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Overwhelmed

Truly I am overwhelmed by all the birthday wishes. They brought tears of joy and really touched my heart. Y'all made me feel so special and loved. Thank you all so much.

Dia, thank you so much too. You are such a thoughtful, special friend, very dear to my heart and I am so grateful for you. Knowing you are always just a phone call away is a true comfort.

It has been such a great day. A sitter was arranged and I spent it with my BFF, Connie. Fabulous lunch, a wee bit of shopping and ended watching Valentine's Day.

I'm expecting great things this year. So glad all of you will be along for the ride. It may not always be pretty but I promise it will be real.

XOXOX

***A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT***

Did you know that today is
Lisa's birthday???!!!


She is taking a little time to enjoy her day and won't be back for a good part of the day so I hijacked her blog. I want her to remember how important she is to so many of us and I thought it might be nice if we surprised her with our birthday greetings when she check in tonight. Personally, she has been a life-line for me on this rollercoaster journey of parenting children with RAD, PTSD, ODD, etc. and I know that I have her to thank for many of the strategies that have made a world of difference for my kids and for my own sanity! So come on over and leave her a little birthday love if you wish! Thanks, Dia @ Rancho Chico.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Self-Care

Several have asked/mentioned what I'm doing to take care of myself. It turns out to be quite a lot. These are in no particular order....

1. Reiki at least once a day and twice a week I go to get Reiki from someone else.

2. I'm doing a lot of reading.

3. Losing myself in music. I love music and it can really transport me to a different mood.

4. Singing at the top of my lungs and doing the crazy dancing around the living room. Neither of which are very pretty but I'm OK with that. :D

5. Having quality time with Jordan without the crazy.

6. Quiet times alone at least 3 times a day. Even if it's 5 minute increments.

7. Salt/soda baths occasionally.

8. Extra long gratitude lists.

9. Therapy

10. Phone conversations with really good friends.

11. Daily meditation

Truly I'm not grieving. As hard as that might be to understand I think I've grieved for so long that it no longer feels necessary. The only thing that has changed is what we call it. We called it a relationship, when in fact, it was just a friendship. We're just calling it what it is. We'll remain friends. Well...I'm doing my part at least.