Proud of being a dog napper

Here's Napper! He did have long hair like Puddin but Crystal had to cut him really short to get all of the mats out. He's going to the vet tomorrow for a check up, antibiotics for the eye infection & ear infection, cutting of the ta-ta's, a teeth cleaning and something to fix the problem with his anal glands. I know....TMI...

Sushi was great. Had to rush back to pick up Napper (best I can do for a name till I know him better). Introduced Napper to Puddin which surprises of surprises she wasn't too upset. Well....she didn't attack him. Usually she doesn't like other dogs. Getting aquainted in the house and then let them both out in the back yard (fenced in). J was going around the house because she had smushed wild black cherries all over the bottom of her feet. She left the gate open because she wasn't too happy about having to walk around the house. She didn't do it on purpose just that she was mad so she didn't check to make sure it closed. Napper took off....down the bank and was walking down the middle of the road. Told G to get J in the house and ready for bed as I rushed to get in my car in a hot pursuit dog chase. Mind you I did not do all of this gracefully or eloquently to put it mildly.





Found Napper, he came right to me, loaded him up in the truck and back to the house. J & G are outside the house. J stormed past me crying when I told her the dog was fine. I think it was the sudden relief of knowing the dog was ok and feeling guilty for leaving the gate open. She went into her room and threw herself on the bed in dramatic fashion (just as a teenager would) and proceeded to cry (real genuine tears!) J's crying..."it's all my fault." G said, "J it wasn't your fault" I pulled her up in my arms and said, "yes, J it was your fault but everything turned out ok. What was the lesson you learned to which she answered, "never leave the gate open mommy....oh mommy....I am sooo sorry and I was so scared that something was going to happen to Napper." Then we talked about what I had done wrong and I apologized. She forgave me and she'll get eggs for breakfast to make restitution. Do y'all realize how BIG this is???????? She had clear signs of a conscience!!! While believe me I could've done all this much more gracefully I was sooooo excited to see clear, distinct signs of a conscience.





I've had a weeks worth of adrenaline rushes in one day so it very possible I'll be in the bed shortly. Remembering I have to stay up and let the new baby out to potty before bed now....
P.S. If you're just joining us since yesterday morning you need to keep reading below. I've been very prolific today.

I am now also a dog napper

Sorry to leave in mid blog....

Call from G who said there was a Puddin look-a-like in the middle of a 4 lane hwy. Two teenage boys 300-400 ft away so he asked if it was there dog. Yup.... Sorry....you don't have a collar on your dog nor a leash in a 4 lane hwy....not your dog anymore. So I am officially a dog napper now too. (Priscilla...you know you are not shocked....) So to the 4 lane in the dogbulance. Picked up the cutest little fellow...called the groomer for emergency clean up (covered in mud, sand, matted horribly and panting like there's no tomorrow) and dropped him off. He's happily sitting in a crate with a plate of food and water waiting on his bath.

G: What's Puddin going to think about this?
L: Can't think about that now. I'll think about that later (can't say tomorrow since I have to pick him up after sushi.)

I think I'm going to need a bigger bed.....

Wow! (Edited) Made an oops!

4 comments in one day....I think that's a new record too. I've been worrying lately that my blog is sooo boring and mundane because I believe I have either lost all my creative writing skills that I once possessed or I've turned into a pretty boring person. Thank goodness I have loyal readers that are tracking our ups and downs. I really appreciate you sticking with me. Tudu (who got me here), PeWee, Gerri, Maggie, Torina, Mary & Lauri, you're all appreciated more than you know. Then there's all you lurkers out there, you know who you are....I can see you and I'm so glad you're here. Would love to hear from you sometime....that is if you have something nice to say. ;-) Priscilla for lurking nearby, always only a phone call away when the world is falling apart. Knowing that you're always cheering for us when we're up and crying with us when we're down. I am so grateful for you.

PeWee, that Laundry Pure thing is one of the most amazing inventions ever. At first I thought it was pretty hokey and that I was wasting my money at first but I love that thing! I did use a demo machine for 2 weeks before I bought it and then I wouldn't let him have his demo machine back. I held it hostage! The nice salesman thought I was kidding. Not! He didn't get his demo unit back until my unit had arrived. Sorry buddy! Nice soft towels, colors never fade, no more buying detergent or fabric softener. It's truly an addiction. When it broke I swear I thought I was going to start hyperventilating! How silly is that?!?

Now on to J....
She was such a fast & snappy girl this morning that she had time to get her hair straightened and put up just like mom's. Scrambled eggs and homegrown tomatoes for breakfast was a real treat. Usually during the week it's a cereal breakfast. Personally I just hate breakfast before 9 AM. Never have liked food early in the morning. Yuck! Cooking eggs at 9 is fine. Cooking eggs at 7 AM is pure love.

Maggie is right....it's best to enjoy all these precious moments of "wonderful". They do hold me together when things go downhill. So much progress has been made. I am so grateful!

This afternoon Daddy G is taking us girls out for sushi. J will soooo be loving that!!!

I should be working right now but I've got to finish a story. Maybe someday I'll be a Pioneer Woman. Priscilla you've got to check this out. You will love it! Yup...all of them. You won't regret it. I am so hooked....

They're searching the shorelines today. Rescue was out at 7 AM this morning according G.

G just called and there's a Puddin look a like in the middle be back...

Cloudy with a chance of rain

Another cloud was painted today. Yahoo! At this rate, with our current drought situation, the chances of it raining is greater in her classroom than it is outside. Last night the clouds & strong winds were just teasing us. Same thing tonight.

J earned a page full of check marks today so she got a bottle of nail polish, barrettes and a yummy sweet & salty breakfast bar for snack. She was also excited about tacos for dinner. She loves tacos and we use lettuce for shells instead of tortillas. Yummy!

Right before bed she got a little out of sorts and had a mini-fit. No big deal and she recovered quickly. Y'all do realize that it's been 7 days of having "fun to be around J". Enjoying the good while it lasts. Yes, Tudu, it's been such a blessing. Thanks to you too Torina. I suck at taking pictures. I get too busy living life and forget that it's important. PeWee don't feel bad. I have this effect on just about everyone including myself. ;-) Remember that when the student is ready the teacher appears. ;-)

3 days and counting and they haven't found the body yet. Hating it for the family and hoping he turns up soon preferably not under G's dock (which is what I'm dreaming about). G is on his way up there and he's braver than me. I told him to go look under the dock and he asked what he should do if he found him and I told him to start screaming like a little girl. J should've taught him a thing or two about that! Nothing on the news about it except these 2 articles.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Clouds
2. Fresh blueberries. Yum!
3. More homegrown tomatoes
4. My Laundry Pure is fixed finally. I was lost without it. Some of the best money I've ever spent.
5. High winds & thunder may mean some rain. Doubtful but a girl can still hope....

J's Gratitude:
1. Having an awesome day at school
2. Popping shipping bubbles
3. Popping my poppers
4. Having a hot recess
5. 36 good choices
6. Only 3 bad choices
7. Invitation to Natalie's B-day pool party
8. Barrettes
9. Pink nail polish
10. Mrs. K for painting my nails & toes
11. Mrs. K for buy me a bottle of polish & barrettes
12. Have salty crunchy bars for snack

10 of these she listed as fun. Y'all can figure out which ones. ;-)

Falling down with gratitude

Chrissi is gone on vacation to NYC, Boston, DC, and Niagra Falls with a group of German Au Pairs so this leaves J staying with Mrs. Kacak until I get off work. Now usually a huge transition like this is really hard for my baby girl. It would usually result in meltdowns because that's what you do when you're emotionally 2/3. J had a great day. Things were a little tricky before lunch but she was able to talk about it and move on. More beaming from proud mom.....

She wrote a lovely thank you note to Mrs. Kacak:

Dear Mrs. Kacak,
Thank you for the spelling book. Thank you for the children's thesaurus book. Thank you for the children's dictionary book. Thank you for the children's encyclopedia book. I'm going to have a blast with these books!
Sincerely,
J
Pretty great for 1st Grade! I purchased these books and decided to let Mrs. K take the credit for them to give her some more power.

Tonight she had time to play with her poppers and she had a great time helping in the kitchen for dinner. Right after I had put her in the bed I realized that she hadn't thrown a fit during the transition so I went right back in her room.

Mom: Honey bunny do you realize that you had a huge transition today?

J: I did????

Mom: Yes, ma'am. Miss Chrissi was gone and you spent the whole day with Mrs. K and didn't throw a fit.

J: Wow! I didn't! I am really proud of myself!

Mom: Me too honey bunny!

J: I'll just bet I can do that again tomorrow!

Fingers crossed for her...

They're still dredging & diving for the body. Please Lord let them find him soon. We heard today that he was swimming and started feeling bad so he told his wife to bring the boat closer so he could hold on to the side. Before she got to him he went under. 53 y/o. How sad for his family...

Really bad storm heading our way so I've got to check out soon.

Ok....I've been really lazy lately and we haven't been doing our gratitude lists at dinner. My bad... So tonight we had to make up for some lost time so hang in there:

Lisa's
1. Rain
2. Homegrown tomatoes, green beans, cucumbers, silver queen corn
3. The hands that grew them & the hearts that shared them.
4. A great weekend
5. No meltdowns

J's Gratitude:
1. Having a blast in school
2. Riding my scooter, bike and playing with my hula hoop
3. Excited to see mom
4. Mrs. K letting me look at pictures of reptiles and mammals online.
5. Having a great time at lake
6. Got to see Daddy G
7. Going swimming
8. Making cookies with mom
9. Daddy G reading to me
10. Daddy G for taking me for a boat ride
11. Playing bubbles with Daddy G
12. Getting to pet Puddin
13. Books from Mrs. K
14. Going to the beauty parlor
15. Playing in the bumper boat
16. Playing ball with Mom

God works in mysterious ways....

Friday J got her ears lowered by a couple of inches and the cut is very cute! We did a quick run by the grocery store and headed to the lake. We made it there just in time to unpack and throw some dinner together before it was J's bedtime. I forgot the cable for the MP3 player so we made the decision to get up really early and head to Wally world to pick up another. Girls have to have tunes ya know! Saturday morning we blew in and out of Clayton in record time. Even stopped by Mickey D's to pick up J's 3 biscuits which were promptly devoured. We were in the lake by 9:30! We are fast & snappy girls!

A glorious day relaxing & splashing in the lake. Daddy G arrived just in time for dinner and read J her new Junie B book so he certainly made up for last weekend. After J went to bed we spent the rest of the evening watching Charlie Wilson's War. Fabulous movie by the way!

Miss Meg's for breakfast. 3 giant pancakes, 2 pieces of bacon, 2 sausage patties, 2 fried eggs over medium disappeared in one inhale. My girl can make food disappear faster than you can say grace.

G & J had a great time with some big bubble makers. Then J was in the water playing with her bumper boat. Squirting everything to her hearts delight! G drove back home to get his trunks and came back by boat. He had forgotten J's lifevest in his boathouse so we loaded up to run pick it up. Just as we got to his cove a boat pulled up beside us and said we couldn't go in and that the lake had been shut down because someone had drowned. J was a little upset about this but we quickly closed our eyes and sent some pink love, blue light and asked God to watch over the person who had gotten hurt and his family. That seemed to make her feel so much better.

As y'all know we were at my lakehouse this weekend because of last weekend's events. J had said that we needed to spent the weekends at my house for 2 weeks to get over last weekend. Boy was that ever a God thing! G said when he was leaving his house there was a boat of screaming people and he didn't get that something was wrong. If J & I had been there that would've really freaked J out! Probably me too.... Sure am glad I wasn't in control of that situation.

Last night J unpacked fast & snappy then came to help me in the kitchen. She was quite the helper too! She VOLUNTEERED to unload the dishwasher all by herself. You heard the "volunteered" right??? Then she asked to cut up the tomatoes and peel and cut the cucumbers. She is really doing great at learning to peel & cut. Very proud of my muchkin! We had home-grown tomatoes which I swear is manna from heaven, home-grown cucumbers, smushed potatoes (courtesy of Sarah in Ode to a Potato), home-grown silver queen corn, and hamburger steak. I am so grateful for everyone that sends us home-grown veggies to adorn our table. Next year I have got to find a place to have a garden!

P.S. They still haven't found the body yet even though the search started about an hour after the accident which was around 11 AM. They've brought in cadaver dogs, 3 sets of divers and rescue boats and no luck yet. Guess it would be fair to say we won't be going swimming.

More good days....

No med change since J is maintaining very well. We had a great time hanging out yesterday afternoon. She was lots of fun to be around. 10 minute p-doc appt (whoo hoo) got us out in time to hit the health food store and get the heck out of the dodge before the moving parking lot started. I pined (and whined) as I passed Pappadeaux's but I didn't want to risk the parking lot fiasco. I do not do moving slower than a snails pace well. Knowing full well that I probably scared PeWee this week with our phone conversation. I am a full speed ahead, don't slow down for anything but animals & children kinda girl. So.....I just had to dream about crawfish etoufee instead. North of the "parking lot" we had dinner and made a quick trip to Sam's for a big bag of baking soda for J's baths.

Quick stop to drop off Monya's wheat free items that I picked up at the health food store. After J was in the bed I started googling wheat free items for my mom. She just recently discovered that she is allergic to wheat so we're all in the process of trying to find foods that could replace. It's astonishing all the products that wheat is in! I read enough to just get me curious enough to wonder if this could be contributing to J's serious farting problems. Seriously people, the child farts like Uncle Arnold in How to Lose a Guy in 10 days. Wednesday morning she had to have another bath before she started school because she reeked from 10ft away!!! The wheat allergy didn't show up when she tested positive for bovine allergies (she can have goat milk/cheese) and there are a high number of RAD kids that have an allergy to milk so not shocking.

The thought of having to change our diet even more is a revolting thought so I am going to start doing a food/fart journal somehow (I know you are praying at this very moment that it won't be here) and see if we can trace it back to food. Oh joy of joys.....

Waiting to hear how G did at the Grand Ole Opry last night. I am sure he will be feeling like a rockstar again today. Chrissi is leaving in the morning for her 2nd (10th) vacation. This time she's going to NY, Boston, DC, Niagra Falls and she's really excited.

Jessi is out sick today with strep so J is working on her Saturday chores. Chrissi will drop J & Puddin off this afternoon at my office and we'll head to the beauty parlor to see Robin for a snip (J not me), grocery stop & to my lakehouse for a weekend of swimming and just being generally lazy. Whoo hoo!

Please pray for my friend, Torina. Rough times right now and she could use some extra ones going up.

It's a New World Record!

J had 5 straight days of really trying hard and having great days. I am beaming with pride. Can you see the glow where you are????

Now the last 2 days have been difficult for her but we've attributed it to Mrs. Kacak having a hard time in her personal life right now and J seems to be feeding off it since she doesn't have really good boundaries yet. We worked out things for J to do if Jessi felt bad today...being helpful, getting her a glass of water, making good choices so that Jessi isn't more stressed, etc. Hoping it helps but still happy to have 5 straight days.

Sunday & Monday she did salt baths which really cleansing for toxins. 1lb sea salt and 1lb baking soda, soaking for 20 minutes. I set her up with soft music, glasses of water (she gets really thirsty doing this) and candles. You know....a big girl bath.... Well...for people who actually have the patience to sit in the tub. I am not one of those.... She gets out of the bath really relaxed and yawning. Her sleep is much deeper and less hyper-vigilant after these baths.

Yesterday she had way toooooo much energy. Like jumping out of her skin energy. Could hardly calm down enough to work in therapy. I think I made the mistake of giving her Reiki 2 days in a row which is something I don't usually do. Note to self: no more Reiki until a little calmness appears.

New technique from AT to switch up the brain: Sit on floor with feet stretched out in front. Put right hand over left hand and pull into the power-sitting hook-up position. Put left foot over right foot. Put tongue on roof of mouth and breathe in a short breath. Close mouth and exhale slowly through the nose. Repeat breathing technique 15 times. Worked like a charm!

Today we are heading to the p-doc for a med refill. 2 hours getting there, 1 hour in office, 3-4 hours home since we'll be sitting in the moving parking lot that is Atlanta. Yippee...insert sarcasm here. Tomorrow is hair snipping day for J.

Hoping to order the Brain Gym teachers edition tomorrow (if I can find it) so that we can start doing that at home too.

My friend, Chris suggested a "dream catcher" in her room and I think that's a great idea. J will love the story.

Amen

Now if I could just get over my addiction to Gray's Anatomy & Desperate Housewives I could do this. Just thinking about it is giving me the shakes though....

I am a smudger

Where to begin....

Friday J had a great day in school! Yippee! I have been told by 3 different people that I needed to smudge my house, myself & J. What the heck is smudging???? Was told to use copal instead of sage and be sure to get behind doors, inside closets and drawers. So my friend Chris gave me enough to get started and Saturday morning we had a smudging ceremony. "God please take away all the negative energy and leave us with a house of peace." J loved it and had the best time. She helped show me where all the negative energy was hiding!

We left early to go to the lake and J swam all day and had a blast! She learned to dive and swim underwater (without holding her nose)! It was a big day. JJ and AJ (friends of G) arrived by boat around 4:30. I sent J up to the house to see if Daddy G was there yet and if so, to tell him that JJ & AJ were there. He was but wouldn't come down to the dock. Trying to be polite (note to self: don't do that again!) I invited AJ & JJ to come up. Invitation accepted. Keep in mind that AJ is very loud and add some alcohol and it's totally out of hand. G is naturally loud too a lot of the time.

G was cooking (big gasp here) dinner when we got up to the house. I started J on her bath noticing that things were loud in the kitchen but didn't pay it a lot of attention. Passing through the kitchen offering to help AJ had taken over my kitchen and was cooking dinner and I was told to get out. Not a good sign. Where's a taser when you need one???? Gracefully excused myself and I started getting cleaned up for dinner. G came in and said J was screaming for me. Running in the bathroom expecting disaster and finding that J just wanted to get out of the tub. Bad mama did not see the signs of distress. Totally missed it in the chaos. Gave her 5 more minutes to soak as she was doing a sea salt soak. Went back in a few minutes and got her out and started her drying her hair. This was my attempt to keep her out of the chaos for a few more minutes hoping against hope that JJ & AJ would leave. No such luck.

Dinner ready and instead of leaving JJ & AJ wait for us to finish. See the clouds going across J's face since the chaos is sitting behind her. J decides she's not hungry. Huge sign of distress. My child is ALWAYS hungry. Finally JJ & AJ decide to leave and G walks them down to the dock. He's gone for over 1 1/2 hours talking to them at the dock. Also keep in mind that Daddy G only sees J (by his choice) Saturday evening (J goes to bed at 7) and Sunday until 3:30 or 4 when we leave to come home. They have a tradition of laying on the couch reading stories, playing games and other fun stuff before bedtime. So J is waiting patiently for the couple of hours that is precious to her with her Daddy G and he's blowing her off (in her mind). G calls up and says he's going on a boat ride with JJ & AJ. Well....I am not going to deliver this news to J so I politely say that we're going to go on home but to go ahead and have a great time. Big huff! "Fine! I won't go! I'm coming up!" Well... that is code for "I'm coming up but you're going to pay cause I'm going to be in a crappy mood so we'll all be miserable." NOT going to happen.

By the time he came up we had the car packed and very kindly said thanks for letting us swim & for dinner and then we split. When we got in the car J let out a heavy sigh. I asked her how she was feeling. She said, "thanks for letting us go home Mom. I really want to sleep in my bed tonight because that was really scary." Me, "what was scary honey?" J, "Those people were really scary and I was really scared of them last week too." (They came by after the fireworks last weekend.) Next was, "why didn't Daddy G not want to see me?" I tried to be honest but w/o making G look bad. Wasn't easy at this point. I understand he wants to see JJ & AJ. I totally get that! Yet he sees them 4 or 5 times a week and J only a 24 hour period and she's sleeping for 12 of those hours! On the good side I am so proud of her to be able to tell me what she was feeling instead of throwing a fit and to know that going home to sleep in her bed would make it all better. Very HUGE! She was really down but we were able to talk through all her feelings. I asked her what would it take to make her feel better and she said that Daddy G needed to apologize to her and she didn't want to go there for 2 weeks and to go to my lakehouse instead. Very cool again! Right before I put her to bed she said, "Mom, we need to smudge the lakehouse and Daddy G too." That child amazes me sometimes with her astuteness. You said it sweetie!

Sunday morning G arrived with the J's crystals and salt that I had forgotten. J was able to tell him what happened and I was proud yet again. He apologized. We went to the DQ for breakfast and all was right with the world. G left right after breakfast because J had a play date with her friend, Maddy, after church. A few minutes after he left June called and Maddy wasn't coming because her father had hurt her feelings and had some really bad behavior. J was disappointed but accepted it.

Shopping was next on the list. Now shopping is most certainly my most dreaded chore but it is J's favorite thing so shopping we went. J had $23 of her own hard earned money that she had budgeted for spending money. (Y'all know she budgets her money into categories of Spending, Christmas/gifts, Tithes & Savings.) My smart girl has $44 in savings, $40 in Christmas & $15 in tithes! So to Target we go and she discovered she had enough to buy this toy which was on sale for $17.48 and a hula hoop! She was so proud of herself!

Daddy G showed up with sushi in hand. I had already made home-grown fried okra, juicy red tomatoes, silver queen corn, fried green tomatoes, cucumbers and corn bread so we had a spread. Did I mention that my kid loves to eat????? Daddy G asked J how her play date went. Black cloud across her face again.....Then she told him that Maddy didn't get to come. "Why not," asked Daddy G. Very matter of factly J said, "her daddy hurt her feelings too." Ouch! That stings! After Daddy G picked his feelings up off the floor he apologized.

Very proud of J for telling yet again how she feels. Using words instead of meltdowns......Very big stuff!

Now I need help....anybody know where you can buy boxes of good, cheap children's books. J's in 1st grade but reading on 3rd grade level. Anybody got any ideas???? I am listening.....

Poopy Panty Patrol

It's baby steps I tell ya but I'm so happy to have them. Lots of processing in AT but that dadgum hateful FM still keeps turning up. The AT put Daddy G on Poopy Panty Patrol with J. He's to come randomly and intermittantly to do a panty check. Not the ones that are on her of course but the ones in her diaper pail. We're all hoping that this will assist in clearing the problem up because she DOES NOT want Daddy G to find poopy/peed panties in an inspection. God bless Daddy G. He agreed to do it. Gotta love him.... The rest of the day was hit or miss and not really stable.

Today started off pretty shaky with a whole lotta lying going on and the speed factor was slower than a snail's pace. Then more visualizing, tapping and pushing Lying, Sneaky J out and bringing Sweet, Strong, Brave J back. When Jessi arrived things improved greatly and she had a really good day in school. Her awesome teacher (me) made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies (it's a southern staple I swear!) last night for snack today in school and she had such great choices she had 2!

Hoping all goes well the rest of the day.

Regression

1 step forward....2 back....
Yesterday J sat in her classroom chair (after school doing homework) and decided her chair was a good enough toilet. *heavy sigh* More meltdowns....ODD....
The good news is that it's been a while since this behavior has appeared around Chrissi & I. The bad news is it brings on PTSD for me.

Any holding and talking about what could be the problem is a dead end. She can't seem to make heads or tails of it. Regular AT appt @ 11 is being anxiously awaited by all of us. More will be revealed later.

Hmmmm.

Yesterday we had emergency therapy and it helped. (J even asked to go to therapy. Woo hoo at recognizing her needs! Turns out it was the movie was the problem. The wicked witch sent her into another realm. Her perception of scary is much different than most kids. Pretty much anything is really scary but the witch really bothered her this time (she's watched this movie before). It triggered memories of the bad foster mom and something that happened with macaroni & cheese. (This seems to happen no matter what we watch that something is triggered) The AT is working on a new tapping algorythym (EMDR) to work out some of the trauma because this is not in the past in J's perception.

Reiki last night and this morning she was extremely fast & snappy and in a great mood. She did very well until 9:30 and things went downhill. Threw a major screamer. I went home and tried to help her work through some of it and thought it helped until I called for an update later. On my way home to see if she can turn it around......

Holiday

Back to the real world. Friday J did wonderfully. We had a great time swimming and she was tuckered out by 6:30 and asked to go to bed early. When we got up Saturday it was raining so I thought (bad thought bad) watching a Barbie movie cuddled up on the couch would be a good idea. Now I know I've been told over and over that TV is bad for RAD but we will watch an occasional Barbie movie and it's proven to me over and over again that it's not good because it always seems to suck her brain right out of her head. Well it did it again. It was downhill from there. A bunch of bad decisions meant that she had a time in with me on the dock before she could go swimming. After time-in she swam for several hours before G arrived. G took her on a boat ride to his sister's house and there were lots of people there which meant "scary" for her. Of course that didn't help. Several more bad decisions.

At dinner it was obvious that she was pooped so she went on to bed at 6:30 with the promise that I would wake her up for the fireworks. She did really great at the fireworks except for being disrespectful to G about blowing the horn. (She thought she should be in charge of blowing the horn.)

Sunday AM more of the same and she came very close to throwing a full blown meltdown in front of G & Craig which amazed even me. I had her do some running up and down the steps and things improved slightly and I let her go on a boat ride with all of us instead of us sitting the boat ride out. Hindsight being 20/20 we should've stayed at home because it was worse. The naked eye would not pick up on her behavior but being eagle-eye mom it was glaring me in the face. Kira came over for a playdate and J was rude and disrespectful to her as well. Ignoring, bossy, controlling, hateful at times and not willing to share any of her water toys that she has an abundance of. 4:30 rolled around and it was time to head home to get ready for the school day. She went home with Chrissi so that I could go to dinner with G, Craig & Murray. She threw one more screamer about that even though she knew ahead of time.

This morning she was soooooo slow that she didn't make it to eat breakfast until 7:45 instead of 6:55. Very disrespectful, couldn't remember how to strong sit, ODD, couldn't remember her metta prayer. I've done rubbing & tapping with her, blowing up her yucky pillow, etc....nothing is seeming to work. At school she was very much the same. After school major meltdowns so far, ODD, etc. Cannot put my finger on the problem for the life of me.

P.S. The gas is horrible around our house. I mean seriously like bad. G got sick at the smell. You could smell it two rooms away from her bedroom. What is up with that??????!!!!! It's always been really bad (ever since she's been here) and I've taken her to the doctor and he poo poos me away as being silly. Last weekend and this weekend it's been off the charts. Her pooh looks fine and everything seems to be in working order but it's constantly a problem. Any ideas????

Pre-Fourth

J had another fabulous day in school. Another cloud painted and so many check marks that she got to make July 4th cards for her treat! She is very proud of herself. I asked her if Mrs. Kacak changed. She said "no ma'am I changed and I just discovered she is awesome." She got all of her Saturday chores completed this afternoon so we can leave first thing in the morning to go to the lake. We'll have all day to ourselves until Saturday when Craig, Murray, Beau & Chrissi will be there to watch the fireworks. The firework display at Lake Burton is always stellar and the booming echoes from the mountains are fabulous! God help me...I even bought some junk food to take with us. The world must surely be coming to an end. ;-0

This evening she made some sassy (disrespectful) remarks to Chrissi but she's outside cleaning out Chrissi's van to make restitution (her idea). I'm hoping she gets to bed before midnight.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Great friends
2. Kisses from an awesome daughter
3. Packing for the lake
4. J having 3 bad choices and 30 good choices in school today!
5. Some bad people who did bad things to Tudu's babies were arrested yesterday!

J's Gratitude:
1. Having an awesome day in school! (fun)
2. Painting a cloud in the classroom (fun)
3. Awesome teacher
4. Making Independence Day cards (fun)
5. Cooking with Miss Chrissi (fun)
6. Dancing to music (fun)
7. Discovered my teacher is awesome! (fun)
8. Having a great attitude (fun)
9. Did chores fast & snappy so I can go the lake sooner
10. Talking to Daddy G on the phone (fun)

Actually there were 17 but I spared you some reading. Lucky you!
Over & outta here....we're gone to the lake!

The Great News & The Bad News

Bad News first so we can just get it over with and out of the way. Chrissi backed (plowed) the mini-van into Jessi's SUV while it was sitting in the driveway. Don't ask me how it happened. I have no idea. The good news is that the only thing broken on Jessi's car is the cover of a tail light. The mini-van didn't fair so well. The whole back door is completely unsalvageable. Dagnabit....more money.... :-(

The Great News is that J had another fabulous day at school. Jessi put an index card on J's desk and anytime she notices that J is doing a great job she doesn't interrupt J, she just puts a check mark on the card. The card was full today so her awesome teacher took her to Mickey D's for a Happy Meal. This was a real treat for J because we don't do fast food. J finished all her classwork with time to spare and has another cloud on the wall to prove it.

J also worked very hard in therapy today. She was very proud of herself and described the proud feeling as being very pink, warm & fuzzy. Pretty cool! The AT gave her a Metta prayer to repeat softly (like a chant) while she's doing her strong sitting and J already has it memorized. It's "May I be responsible. May I be respectful. May I be peaceful. May I be happy. May I be fun to be around. " She repeats it softly for 5 of the 7 minutes that she does strong sitting.

After AT we went to eat Mexican (kind of tradition for us) then to get a manicure & pedicure and on to see Daddy G. His secretary let her have some packing bubbles so J had a fabulous time popping them. There was a virtual symphony of popping!

When we got home (1 1/2 hours after eating mexican) she ate 2 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. I swear that child eats more than 5 adults put together. I asked her how she kept from being 500 lbs. She said, "I have a tube that runs down into the ground and that's where it all goes. I have to clean out the tube every couple of years with special cleaning spray that only I have." I told her I needed one of those tubes and she said, "mom, I'll wave my magic wand over you then you can eat as much as me too." I NEED one of those tubes. ;-) The child had 3 bowls of holy moly ravioli for lunch @ 1!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. Jessi's car wasn't hurt as bad as the van
3. Great time with J
4. Connie (she knows why)
5. Lauri, Laura & Gerri (you gals like totally ROCK!)

J's Gratitude: (warning...it is long) (RAD kids think they never have fun so she puts "fun" after all the things she considers fun then is always amazed that one little kid could have so much.)
1. Awesome mom
2. Dad
3. Awesome teacher (fun)
4. My awesome teacher knew I needed a brush
5. My awesome teacher took me to McDonald's (fun)
6. My awesome teacher let me have a Happy Meal and a Sprite (fun)
7. Great day at school (fun)
8. Being with my awesome teacher (fun)
9. Being with my awesome Mom (fun)
10. Learning about the Trojan War in history (fun)
11. Got to see Susan (fun)
12. Got to see Daddy G (fun)
13. Susan let me have popper bubbles (fun)
14. Manicure & pedicure (fun)
15. Pink nails from mom
16. Awesome teacher let me write my name on a Children's Miracle network foot (fun)
17. I made so many great choices
18. Worked really hard in therapy
19. Ate Mexican with Mom (she ate my plate & hers too!) (fun)
20. Awesome mom let me have a peppermint patty for dessert (fun)

J's Gratitude List
1. Awesome Mom
2. Dad
3. Great day at school
4. Making clouds in a science project
5. Mom giving me a massage & Reiki
6. Listening to Reiki music all night
7. Going to Papa's & Monya's
8. Going to the cow palace with Papa

Pressure Cooker Ranting Ramble

You know....when you're sitting on the outside looking in it's so easy to judge or be critical of someone's parenting, their life, their relationships, etc. I know I have been sooo guilty of this in the past and it's something I really work on today because I don't want to be that kind of person. It's really easy to be judgmental or critical when you don't live in the situation because you have nothing to lose. When you live with the problem it gives you a whole different perspective. I guess that's where the old saying comes in "never judge someone until you've walked in their shoes".

My daughter has been to hell and back with several round-trip tickets. She has seen more trauma than most adults and it was all before the age of 5. Her bio family started her journey to hell and foster care perpetuated and exacerbated the trips. It really pisses me off which is why I try not to focus on it too much because it takes my energy away from J. Actually pissing me off is a real understatement because I don't think there's a word to cover the emotions I have about what happened to her. No child should have to go through what she went through. It's unforgiveable.

That being said....(because she's been through so much hell)...she has a LOT of problems. I can guarantee you that any adult that has been through her circumstances would have significant issues too! Is it easy being her parent? Hell No! Do I love her? Beyond anything that I ever thought possible!!! Is it worth it??? Damn straight! Will I ever give up on her??? No way! Even if both of us are living in the state-run crazy house I will be her mom forever!

One thing I can promise you is that unless you have lived with my child who is a severely emotionally disturbed don't walk in judgment of me or my parenting methods. One thing I do know is that I know my child and I know what works for her and I, as her Awesome Mom, am duty bound to do whatever is in her best interest even if it's very painful for me. That's my job. I am the adult and I have to make the hard decisions. What works for your kid(s) won't work for my kid and I am sure probably vice versa. Wouldn't it be so easy if the same thing worked for all kids???? Life would be so simple. *Heavy sigh* It doesn't work that way unfortunately. All I can do is trust my instincts and know that I have her very best interests at heart and try to do the right things to give her the help she needs. When I do screw up I model making amends by telling her I was wrong and asking what can I do to make it right.



Rant over....I think I can breathe again.... Sorry... I just had to get that out. Had someone judging my parenting skills and it really pissed me off.

Fabulous AT session yesterday with lots of progress showing. J was able to say she felt lonely. This HUGE!!! A year ago all my child could say was that she was mad. Real tears too! Since I am so co-dependent I couldn't let her cry by herself. I had to cry too. Very emotional day but so worth it. I am so proud of her. She had a fabulous day at school today and the teacher incorporated the "rubbing technique" taught to us by AT which changes her energy around because J's gets flipped a lot. It worked wonderfully! Jumpings have been added at 10-15 minute intervals and that's helping a lot with her focus. Last night I gave J a Reiki session which always calms and centers her and I did Reiki on her lifebooks (distance Reiki to help her with the traumatic past events) and she crawled into bed telling me about all the wonderful dreams she was going to have about the angels.

Peeing your pants funny....

For grins and giggles and if you've got a real sick sense of humor (like me as I stray to the Far Side) go here to the ultra funny Foster Mom to Many.

God bless you Torina for sending me there. I really needed the ROTFLMAO!
Enjoy!

Still here

Too much has been going on lately. 2 employees out all last week (and the week before) and this week one is on vacation and one from last week is still out sick. Had to let an employee go. Sucks but such is the economy. Then add in the loss of my friend. Haven't felt like typing. Just trying to make ends meet.

G's community party was fabulous as always and J had a great time. She fell asleep in my lap about 30 minutes before the fireworks started so she got a little cat nap before the main event. I can't believe she turned off the hypervigilence with over 30k people surrounding her but she did!

Another Angel in Heaven

A good man left us Saturday traveling to what is surely his heavenly home. Godspeed Mr. Hatfield.... You will be missed.....

Eat some chicken in his honor please.

Progress

Thanks to everyone for all of your positive comments. It really picks me up and gives me much more to be grateful for in my already blessed life.

Since I was attending a CASA appreciation dinner last night we were a little off schedule. J had a really large time drying my hair for me before I took a super-size and super-hot flat iron to it. 450 degrees should straighten just about anything! Then we ran downstairs to do a Reiki treatment which left her very calm and relaxed.

G was on time to take me to the dinner. God bless him! I think it's the first time he's ever been on time! We left J eating a huge bowl of vegetable soup (one of her many favs) and in anticipation of finishing Daddy G father's day present. Her "please don't go mama" tugs at the heart strings and at least these days she really means it. More progress for J.

Dinner was (as always) out of this world at Glen-Ella but the chicken piccata was so wonderful I could have taken a bath in it! My to-do list today includes calling Ed to see if I can talk him out of that recipe! Seeing old friends (and family) and meeting new ones was just lovely. Mary Perdue was the guest speaker arriving by helicopter in the meadow behind the gardens. Honestly she was not as impressive as Stephanie Ayers. Stephanie and her husband have fostered more than 70 children and adopted 5 to add to their 5 bio-children. Her story was very inspiring at the (all volunteer) work that CASA does to protect our children. Our Mountain Judicial Circuit of CASA doesn't have a website yet (not for long because I am working on that even as I type) but here is more info on the work of CASA. Priscilla and I were talking this morning and it was funny that we were both thinking the same thing. If J had had the luxury of having a CASA she probably would never have had to go through much of the trauma she has received and not have had such a severe degree of RAD. On the other hand, if she had had a CASA I might not have her now because she would not have been on the path to me.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. CASA
3. Chicken piccata
4. G being on time
5. Priscilla for urging me to attend the dinner.

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Awesome teacher
3. Riding her bike
4. Riding her scooter
5. Jumping rope
6. Learning about Crete

Update

I am happy (over the moon!) to report that J painted her first cloud in her classroom. Jessi called and said it was like teaching a completely different child. She said she had never met this child before! J made it through all 6 subjects and her exercises in The Learning Breakthrough with time left over to paint her cloud AND have time to play! Whoo hoo!!!!

Eating Machine

AT was awesome yesterday. She participated willingly and actively. At the end of the session the AT did some guided imagery for her while I cradled her in my arms (giving Reiki at the same time). J fell asleep. She has only been able to relax in my arms enough to fall asleep once before so I was incredibly impressed!!!! She slept for like 20 minutes!!!! Big stuff for the princess!!!! The AT had remarked earlier that she could tell that J had taken her trust level of me to another level and that it was blatantly obvious. I could tell it too but it was so great for someone else to see it too. Most RAD kids have very large pupils due to their hypervigilience and J's have been very small ever since she got home. Another great sign! Note: It's really interesting to be in a room of RAD kids and see all the large pupils staring back at you. I had this privilege at a camp and it can be really disconcerting.

Since J came home she has been an eating machine. Last night she had a HUGE (I'm talking 6 inches across 4 inches tall) hamburger, 2 tomatoes (GA grown of course), 2 servings of baked beans, 4 deviled eggs and a huge handful of bing cherries for dessert. An hour after playtime she was hungry again! Another huge serving of baked beans, 2 more deviled eggs and more bing cherries before bedtime.

She had a blast riding her bike, scooter and jumping rope! She made it to 71 consecutive jumps too! Great attitude in place. By the time she made it to the massage table last night the baked beans & deviled eggs had gone to another level. Imagine that! My nose was greeted with such lovely (insert facetious tone here) aromas during her massage and Reiki treatment. By the time I finished I needed a military grade gas mask! Pee eeewww!

She awakened in a fabulous mood this morning even though she was still tired. I gave her a Reiki treatment right after her strong sitting and she is becoming more and more receptive to it. She told me she could feel God healing her heart and her hurts.

Hopefully she'll get to paint the first cloud today!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. Watching J play
3. The smile on J's face when she sees the angels
4. AT
5. The best kiss ever!

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Awesome Teacher
3. Baked beans & deviled eggs
4. A blue classroom
5. Fun school
6. Puddin

Update

Jessi just called me and said that J had her best day ever in school! She was very respectful, responsible, fun to be around and she tried really hard. Tomorrow if she has great day too she'll paint her first cloud in her classroom!!!!! :-) :-) :-)

Proud mom I am!

Home Again

The princess is home! Yahoo! She was so glad to be home. Very loving, sweet, fun, just precious all the way around. Vowing to work very hard for Mrs. Kacak because she doesn't want to leave home again. She says she can't wait to go to Mrs. Kacak's school. Another Yahoo!

Short on time because she got home at 5:15 and we had to be at therapy at 6 so we stopped for Mexican. An adult order of carnitas along with Chrissi's portion of refried beans and she was still a member of the clean plate club. Dessert of fried ice cream and she was a very happy girl.

The AT was very impressed with J's changed attitude as she says now that she WANTS to go to Mrs. Kacak's school and she WANTS to learn and she WANTS to try hard. Yea! We all worked on helping her see the difference in her attitude and she was very proud of herself. G was waiting in the lobby when we got out of therapy and she was very happy about that too.

Home to a scented bath, fresh jammies and a handful of fresh bing cherries. Princess couldn't wait for a massage and I gave her a Reiki treatment too. She loved getting Reiki! She even told me saw angels around her and one was lying on the bed! That was really cool! She loved that her classroom had been painted sky blue and I told her that Mrs. Kacak said that whenever she made lots of good choices that she would let her paint a cloud on the wall. She was really excited! (Actually it was Chrissi's idea but she graciously allowed Mrs. Kacak to take the credit since we're trying to help J see her as the awesome teacher that she is.)

This morning she didn't want to get out of bed. She was still pooped! Once her feet hit the floor she was a fast & snappy girl though. She was so fast I had time to give her another Reiki treatment before school. (I gave her classroom a Reiki treatment too just for good measure.) J started school early today because she wanted to!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. My kid is home!
3. J wants to go to school!
4. J has a great attitude!
5. Fabulous AT

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Being home
3. Seeing angels
4. Cherries
5. G coming to see her
6. Awesome teacher
7. Getting to go to fun school

I'm still here.....

So sorry I've been MIA. There's been so much going on around me and in my head that I haven't felt like blogging. God bless you Tudu & Gerri for caring....

Last Thursday I sent J to another respite provider in Tennessee because J was again beyond horrible to Mrs. Kacak. I am so afraid that I have condoned her behavior by allowing this to go on so long. Feeling terribly guilty about it too. Feeling guilty about sending her to a new respite provider too. Mrs. Fisk is a trained provider and has worked with lots of RAD kids so I have lots of confidence in her but J had never met her before and so I worry. The therapist, Mrs. Gaddy and myself all were in agreement that she needed a shock to motivate her to do something different because she knows the drill at Mrs. Gaddy's and I think it doesn't work as well now because she knows the drill But it's hard on so many levels. Plus I miss my little princess.

Early Saturday morning I took Chrissi to the airport for her vacation. She is touring LA, San Fransico, Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, Vegas and the redwood forest with a tour group of other Au Pairs. It is a requirement of the Au Pair program that she vacation for 2 weeks in America. She won't be back until next Monday. (Next month she will go to DC, NY, Phildelphia & Boston for her 2nd week.) I miss her too....

I left Hartsfield airport in a flurry and flew back to NE Georgia in time to make my Saturday Al-Anon meeting. It was good to be back and more than one eyebrow was raised that I was finally in attendance. The soft, orange chair was still awaiting me. It was sooo good to be back.

Saturday afternoon & Sunday were spent at the lake. Robin, Brian, G & I all had a great time and spent most of Sunday on the boat or in the water because it was unbearably hot!!!! Speaking of which I have a nice little sunburn on my shoulders & neck to prove it. Yes....I did use 30 sunscreen (and lots of it) several times but I still got one nonetheless.

During all this time I have been actively studying to become a Level II Reiki practitioner and yesterday I received my certification. I promptly went over to my parent's house to work on my mom since she has been in great pain with her left hip, leg & foot. Back this morning to give her another treatment and am proud to report that she is having some relief.

Reiki is supposed to be excellent for emotional problems which is why I studied to be a practitioner. This isn't a change of professions for me. I knew it would be hard for J to let someone else give her Reiki so I made the decision to (thanks to Chris & Mary Mc) put forth the effort to give J a little extra help.

Also, while J is gone I am re-painting her classroom (it is a dark, rich red since the room used to be the room that I painted in) to a soft, pale blue. I am hoping this is going to be more soothing for her as well.

I have cleaned out cabinets and thrown away crap that seems to multiply like rabbits around my house. Even though I've been cleaning my house looks like a tornado hit it because I have stuff scattered hither & yon.

Tonight I'm going to give my mother another Reiki treatment. Tomorrow I'm going to the lake with a friend that is going to try to mark off my property lines so that I can take the neighbors to small claims court about cutting my trees down. Hate that going to court business but am afraid if I don't more trees will disappear.

Bad girl is on hiatus. Hoping she'll return soon.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Chris
2. Sandy
3. Mary McKenzie
4. G
5. Reiki

A feeling of relief....

Emergency therapy session last night and J tried to work on what is going on. Lots of tapping and exercises for a neurologically damaged brain. J promised to write a 2 page heartfelt apology letter to Mrs. Kacak. (Letter was her idea to make up for her behavior. G met us at therapy in the hopes to get J out of her funk. It didn't work but J coughed up all of her bad decisions regarding Chrissi & Jessi and I was proud of her for owning her behavior. Then only J & I went into therapy and J told G good bye. God bless him he was still waiting when we got out. He was very supportive in telling J that she is responsible for her actions but her bad decisions could land her in some very bad places but we were really hoping that she could change things up. We went through the list of everything that we are doing to help her but G told her that she had to do her part too. Which is all too true. I was VERY proud of G too! It was a big step for him. After therapy Ms. Kristy asked J if she had been honest with G while she & I were talking and she said no. So Kristy had her tell G (looking him in the eyes) that she was afraid if she was completely honest with him that he wouldn't love her anymore. Of course he responded positively that he would love her no matter what she did. Proud moment again!

This morning J did great doing all the new tapping & rubbing and exercises. Then we talked about the letter and it was straight to meltdown. 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. When I left (late for work) she was still in full meltdown mode. Beating myself up because I can't be at home with her.

Back to the bad girl (me). My dear sponsor read yesterday's post and instead of calling me she came to my office. God bless her! Probably all the way here she was probably telling herself "that girl has really done it now." :-) I couldn't help but get tickled when Deb said Priscilla is here to see you. I fessed up immediately and was told to write a hundred times "it is fun and it's ok." Whew! I know my friends had already told me that but somehow when Priscilla did it made it REALLY ok. My conscience is clear now.....what a relief! P.S. Priscilla, I have written my sentences and it's the new tape playing in my head..... I think I can get over myself now!
Sometimes it is good to be bad!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Priscilla
2. Jordan
3. Connie
4. Kristy
5. Robin
6. Tudu
7. Gus

J's Gratitude:
1. Mom
2. Ms. Kristy
3. Bike
4. Leap Frog
5. Daddy G

Trials & Tribulations Plus "Bad Girl"

J came home Friday against Mrs. Gaddy's judgement because she wasn't ready. It was obvious to me as well. She refused to do anything for any of us all weekend and tested EVERYTHING! Cried over nothing all the time. Usually she comes back from TMR and she does fabulous. Not so this time. I think Mrs. Gaddy had too many kids last week (4 respite, her 2 and her sister's granddaughter). So money not well spent. Of course it could also be that it's going to take longer for J to get it because the abuse has been going on so long. Who knows????

Yesterday she was again a little hellion with Jessi. 20 things on her bad choice list including trying to hit Jessi, throwing her paper and pencil across the room and throwing a huge screamer. *heavy sigh* I truly do not know what to do. Mrs. Gaddy recommended that maybe a new respite provider might be helpful since J doesn't seem to be listening to her. So...I talked with one in TN, who is trained by Nancy Thomas and have sent in the application. It really worries me but I know this isn't working and she'll never get back in public school if she doesn't learn that throwing fits and threatening to kill the teacher is not acceptable behavior. This TMR provider only takes one child at a time and that would be better.

I took her to the doctor yesterday (because she has been going to the bathroom so often) and she has a very low grade kidney infection so he started her on antibiotics.

I proudly announce that embracing my inner "Bad Girl" finally happened. I wasn't just bad. I was BAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!! And it was fabulous!!!! I am still blushing even though Connie told (ordered) me to "stop it!" Gerri....I remember your message and you were pretty darn close. Sorry to scar you again. ;-) Tudu.....You will be soooooo proud of me. :-)

Lisa's Gratitude:

1. Bad Girl

2. Bad Girl

3. Bad Girl

4. Bad Girl

5. Bad Girl

6. Bad Girl (yup...that was 6 bad girls)

J's Attitude:

1. Crappy

Better days are coming....

The phone conference went fairly well considering. My client screamed for 30 minutes (he did not know CEO was in the room) then I asked CEO into conversation and things got a little better. Client will not scream at a man like he screams at a woman. There are people like this. Hopefully we're moving forward at this point.

On Monday Jessi took J to Mrs. Gaddy's in her mother's brand new SUV. Found out last night that my little darling wrote (with a pen) on the leather seats of said brand new vehicle. J knows better than to do this. She was just mad. Anyone know how to get pen out of leather?????? Grateful Jessi's mom didn't call and scream at me because I don't think I could take one more screamer.

The princess is coming home today. Whoo hoo!!! I can't wait to see her!!!!! Hoping and praying she can make it through all next week at Jessi's school. I have a feeling there will be a return visit because I've let Jessi be abused for so long that it might take longer for J to understand this is not acceptable behavior. Low expectations and high hopes.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Nobody has screamed & cursed me today
2. Mary, Lauri & Gerri...thank you for your kindness
3. I haven't had to run away from home yet
4. Mary again....thanks for propping me up
5. Fresh manicure & pedicure

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days

I've been MIA for many reasons. Friday morning we discovered (at 8:10 AM) that our (reminder: I own a payroll company that does payroll in 43 states) bank had failed to send out the direct deposit files to the Feds. This meant that ALL of the employees for ALL of my clients that had direct deposit did NOT get their payroll money. We're talking millions! (I'm getting PTSD just from typing.) Proactively started calling all of my clients to make them aware and spent many phone calls with the bank to remedy the problem. Promised that everything was going to be fixed by 2. Didn't happen. All local banks were repaired by 2 but my clients in other states were not. 38 states were affected. I am starting to panic. One of the clients then started calling to cuss me out every hour. His rants would last at least 30 minutes each. This lasted until 8 PM. I gave him my cell phone number so that I could keep him apprised of the situation. Big mistake. Huge. Yes, I know it was horrible and inexcusable but cussing me out was not helping matters. Screaming didn't help either. I am not a bank and I cannot wire money. Please scream at the bank and not me. Nothing was going to make him happy.

I picked up J from Jessi as Jessi had picked her up from Mrs. Gaddy and headed for the lake with everyone including M. Trying to run my business from my cell phone and my employees were still sweating it at the office. Get to the lake and discover that I've left Puddin's leash at home and I can't take her out to the bathroom without it because I'm too close to the road. Drive 45 minutes in a thunderstorm to Wal-Mart to get another one. Empty gas tank so a stop at Race-Trak. Very late and cooking dinner is not a viable option so it was God forbid, McDonald's. Yuck! Back to the lake to discover that my icemaker & washing machine weren't working (supposed to have been repaired 2 weeks ago)(had brought all dirty laundry to the lake) and my garage door will not go up no matter how hard I pull. More abusive phone calls from my irate client as I am standing in my yard so the kids won't hear. During my phone call I discover that my neighbors (they are hateful, mean people. I've tried cajoling them with brownies, kindness and cakes over the years but nothing makes them happy.) had cut down 5 of my 15/20ft trees that I had a landscaper plant 5 years ago (on my property!!!) By this time I am shot out. I am a shaking, quivering hot mess. I go in my house (it's dark) and my neighbors come home from dinner. I strip naked in front of the windows facing their house. Yep, I really did it. That should've made them run put a For Sale sign in front of their house immediately. ;-)

Finally crashed into the bed at 1. Way past my bedtime. Only to get back up and spend the night pacing the floor because I can't sleep. Girls up at 7 to start the day. M doing chores, earning her way back home. J playing and having a great time. Tim calls me from the bank to assure me that he had talked to my client and everything was fine. 9 AM, M goes home. Not because she was ready but because I was stressed out. 9:15 AM. Irate client calls and cusses me out for the rest of the day. Talked to CEO of bank. He calls client and tells me everything is fine. Client calls back and reduces me to another quivering hot mess. When he starts cussing he will not stop for at least 30 minutes and some of them were over an hour. I swear he doesn't take a breath the whole time. He starts demanding that the bank have a jet on the tarmac w/ $500,000 cash ready to travel to 38 states to deliver money. Then he starts threatening me. You get the idea.... Finally he's through and I'm on the phone w/ bank CEO as 2 guys in Harley gear come walking down by driveway. A group of 6 motorcyclists from Indiana were riding down 197 and a couple riding with them had wrecked at the top of my road. I never heard it with all the commotion going on in my ear. Call 911, take blankets, pillows and icepacks. Loan out my bathroom and take drinks out. Wait on ambulance. Think the worst was a broken ankle and road rash but the husband was walking around and he appeared to be in shock so he pinky swore with me that he would get checked out too.

Sunday was spent the exact same. Now I haven't slept in 2 nights. More calls from the bank & client. Try to have some fun with J. Chrissi is home from Florida and she comes up to the lake. We already had another couple of friends and their son up for the weekend too. Craig & Murray saved the day. They always have a way of making things seem better.

Monday AM J & Chrissi head back home to meet Jessi so that J can go back to Mrs. Gaddy's (J had the same behaviors with Jessi after she picked her up on Friday so it resulted in her going right back). It usually takes 2 or 3 times to Mrs. Gaddy before J will give up the behaviors. She is extremely stubborn. She must get that from me. ;-) Lordy I miss that child! I did not get cussed out all day! It is a miracle!!!!!

Tuesday, to the bank to start ticking off all amounts on all deposits to audit the files. More cussing, ranting, raving, etc.

Yesterday, I checked out. Literally. Took the day off and Chrissi and I went to Six Flags. I am such a kid. I LOVE Six Flags! My addiction of choice is adrenalin. Left my phone in the car on purpose. We were done riding everything (at least 3 times each) on the rides of choice....by 1:30. Get back in the car and another message from irate client. I don't call him back.

Talking with the bank CEO's/owners/operation manager until 9 about the 6 issues that still have not been resolved. Fell into bed and finally slept.

Since I don't have the money to have my property surveyed again (the last time I had it surveyed they put in concrete markers to mark property lines. They have been taken up and it wasn't by me.) or to hire attorneys to prosecute them I dreamed/fantasized about buying a really nasty, disgusting sex tape, putting my TV in front of the window facing my neighbors house and playing it all weekend (volume off of course), renting my house out to people who will do the nasty on the lawn, putting in a privacy fence and painting it white on my side and neon graffiti on the neighbor's side. Fantasized other things too but these are my cleanest versions.

Phone conference with bank CEO and irate client at 1 today. Please pray for me.

A Child Returns....

Dinner with Robin, Emily & Chavez last night was fabulous....trying to fill up my time with fun things while the house is empty. It was so great to see Emily! It has been way too long!

M.......I think she missed me...NOT! I knew she would be coming back because she would have to test her mom but I didn't think she would be testing this soon. A phone call last night and it was Lisa to the rescue. M thought I was there to visit until I told her to get in the truck. M didn't believe her mom when Mom told her to go clean up her room. Bad decision.... Awesome mom called me instead. Lots of drama (manipulation) with her mom till she figured out it wasn't going to work then she got in the truck and INSTANTLY stopped crying. It's like they can flip that emotional light switch in the blink of an eye! That always amazes me!

It was late so she didn't have to do many chores last night but after school will be a different story. Tomorrow she is out of school so she can work at my office. Boy I sure do hope when she goes home this time she decides to stay!

Still missing all my daughters....J, Chrissi and C. C hasn't called or written in months. Not even on my birthday which really stung. Robin assured me last night that all kids in their 20's are really selfish (looking back I was too) and she'll come around by the time she's 30. I guess she's just out trying to be an adult and find her way in the world. We all have to do this I suppose....It sucks though because I really miss her! She is an amazing person!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Time with Robin, Emily & Chavez (lordy I hope I'm spelling that right)
2. J is starting to work to come home
3. Seeds sprouting
4. All-Clad
5. Quiet

Lost

I am lost without J. The house was sooooo quiet last night it was spooky..... My friend June came over and had dinner with me so that helped but after she left it was almost creepy. Absolutely didn't know what to do with myself. Couldn't sleep....must've been the full moon....Finished watching Dancing with the Stars @ 5AM. Frustrating because I could've slept until 6:30. My boyfriend Jason didn't win (darn it!) but he sure did look purty! Kristi was very deserving. The good news is that instead of waiting 5/6 days before J shows any signs of wanting to come home, this time she started showing it 24 hours in. Whoo hoo!!! Hopefully she'll be home tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait....

Darling M had a really great night with her Awesome Mom last night. Lots of cuddling going on....I am so happy for her. She told her mom that she tried not to like me but she just couldn't make herself. I'm irristible like that...;-) LOL

Lisa's Gratitude:

1. Pale pink peonies in full bloom (blooms are over 10" across!)

2. Dinner with June

3. Cool spring breezes

4. Puddin

5. Madison getting to go home

Home Alone

Yesterday afternoon I talked with Mrs. Gaddy and learned that J cried real tears when she discovered Mrs. Kacak's consequence for her bad behavior. I was so encouraged even though Mrs. Gaddy said she had almost cried too because she was so happy seeing J's real emotions instead of the fake crocodile tears. I talked with J last night and told her I was so shocked to come home and discover she wasn't there and to find out where she had ended up. I told her that I loved her no matter what she did or where she was. It was so hard... yet, I know it was the right decision.

I picked up darling M (respite child) at school yesterday and she came home with a vengeance to work hard to get back home. Determinedly she washed the dishes and stock pots then I started her mowing grass in the front yard. I have a manual Reel Mower so you can imagine her excitement. I informed her that if she didn't do it right and fast & snappy the first time she would be invited to mow the back yard. That precious child was out there with scissors making sure she didn't miss a blade of grass. When she was finished she started sweeping out the garage while I checked her work. Made a big deal of muttering "darn it and dadgum" several times to which she started crying (thinking the back yard was sure to come) then I announced, "darn it, my back yard isn't going to get mowed today!" Tears of pure joy poured down her face. Praised her profusely for her hard work and she was beaming with pride! After she finished sweeping she went down to mop the basement floors and did a fabulous job there too. Couldn't find a speck of dirt! My basement is spotless!!!!

This morning I didn't tell her that she wasn't coming back until the school opened the door to let her out in the drop off lane. I told her to ride the bus home this afternoon and she had a smile as wide as Texas across her face.

She had written an apology letter to her Awesome Mom and it was too precious not to share:

My Dear Sweet Mother,

I am so, so, so very sorry for how disrespectful I've been to you lately.

At Ms. Lisa's I have done some very difficult chores but I have only truly worked hard the 1st day and today. I will continue to work hard even after
I come home. I have thanked God so many times (since I've been here) that he created people loving like you and Chris. Also, for the people like Ms. Lisa.

She has given me a rude awakening to the real world, but she has also made me stronger. She thinks (or I think she thinks) that I get mad at her but I really don't.

Anyways, I have been praying alot lately and those athiests can kiss my little booty because He has answered every single one of my prayers!

Now for YOU!!! When I get home to make up for my bad decisions I'm gonna give you and Chris 3 days off. You can pick which days these are but please don't make them in a row. Here is UR one way ticket!

I will:
Give you and Chris a massage(s) of choice (neck, back, feet...) for how ever long you want it to be, respect you and Chris, clean and organize my room, vacuum all of the carpet, load and unload the dishwasher, do all of the laundry, help Chris every day with the chickens and the "bitties", clean the entire kitchen, use my good manners, be nice, sweep off the porch, sidewalk, and back porch, make both of the beds, wash your car and wash Chris's 4-Runner.

Thank you for being there for me for the past 10 years. I will from now on pay you back by giving you the respect you deserve.

Love,
Your "New" Daughter
M



How cool is that!?!?!

Home Sweet Home

A wonderful time was had by all at the beach. J did FABULOUS! Did you notice that it's in all caps??? I am screaming from the Blue Ridge Mountain tops because I am so proud of her!!!! She made really good choices all week. Luckily for all of us there was a family staying in the house next to us that had an 8 y/o girl. J & Em had a wonderful time together. Thanking the good lord that Em was a little Miss Bossy Pants so it was a great learning experience for J to see it's not fun when someone is bossy all the time. If I had special ordered Em I couldn't have done a better job!

We all have been kissed by the sun and have wonderful tans, exfoliated feet and glowing faces. Buckets of seashells were picked, kites were flown, waves were ridden, volley balls flew in the pool and mounds of seafood were devoured. J had crablegs 3 times last week and cracked them all herself! I was impressed. Wednesday night we took J & Em to see the Tribute show (tradition for us) at Legends in Concert. Front row seats. Chrissi danced with Rod Stewart, Rod kicked a soccer ball to Em and a few minutes later one was sent to J. J put it back on the stage for Rod and he sent it back. Again she put it back on stage and Rod kicked it to the man behind J and the gentleman gave it to J and told her to keep it. ;-). Elvis (sorry to any fans but this guy is much cuter than Elvis ever thought about being.) always does the final show and Em was the first one to go ask for a scarf from him. This act prompted J to do so too. All the way home the girls argued over which one was going to marry Elvis. They were both adamant that he smelled like red roses. ;-) Too funny for words!

We took one last walk on the beach Friday night then packed the van for an early departure Saturday AM. Up at 6:30 for a last cup of coffee watching the ocean. 7:15 everyone was up and at 7:55 Elvis had left the building. I am a horse to the barn when it comes to going home. Nothing gets in my way. Therefore we were home in 4 hours and 20 minutes! Puddin had mourned all week and trained the baby sitter that the only way she would eat was out of her hand. I have a very smart furry daughter! Puddin was all smiles as soon as I opened the door and after 30 minutes of serious quality petting time she finally stopped crying.

Saturday evening I had a darling respite child with me and she is still here working on "issues" and being respectful to her Awesome Mom. My princess tortured Mrs. Kacak all morning so she is off to TMR for the week. I was hoping against hope that she would have a fabulous day and not threaten to kill her teacher. It wasn't to be so I am glad that Mrs. Gaddy was scheduled. I went home to tell her I had heard she was having a hard day and that I was very sorry. I told her I understood that Mrs. Kacak was going to have to do something about that and that I understood and supported Mrs. Kacak's decision but I loved her no matter what. I held it together until I got out of the house thank goodness. Going to miss her terribly and can't wait for her to come home. Makes me glad M will be there tonight to keep my mind off it.

Since J will be gone this week Chrissi is off for a solo tour of Florida. Horror of horrors...I'll be at home alone (after M goes home)! Little nervous for her to be out on her own for that long but she is a very smart and resilient girl so I'm sure she'll be fine. She has wanted to go to Florida since she got off the plane from Germany so I'm happy she'll have the opportunity. Evidently people in Germany think Florida is a really big deal so she'll be able to tell all her friends she has been there!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Seashells
2. Sleeping to the sound of the ocean
3. Awesome daughter
4. Beautiful vacation weather
5. Starfish

J's Gratitude:
1. Elvis
2. Crablegs
3. Vacation was a blast!
4. Massage from Mom
5. Elvis

Busy Bees

Friday to the lake. Setting up for the season. Mickey had taken up residence at some point during the winter so the heebies made me sterilize everything. Yuck! Cleaning, washing, organizing. We were all such hot messes we jumped in the lake. I have never been in Lake Burton before June since I was a child. Saturday...2 hours of weed pulling (4 people). Over 6000 flower seeds planted and pine straw distributed (5 hours). We prayed a little prayer over them to "grow dammit!" :-) Boat house closet cleaned out. No small feat. Washing of pollen and watering new flower seeds. Flew home to get J in the bed on time.

Barely able to get out bed. Had to sort of roll out with every muscle screaming! I am not the only one. Chrissi did too and she's 18! Makes me feel a little better. Up at 6 to get ready for early church with my mom. J & Chrissi gave me a beautiful huge red heart filled with cards and (Chrissi made) cheese bread, sweet heart breads and apple strudel. Very beautiful and very sweet. I try to keep holidays very low key for J so she did very well. Church and brunch with my parents. I am a master manipulator. Last week I asked my mom to give me a day this week that I could have 3 hours. She gave me Tuesday so I scheduled a 1 1/2 hour massage with my friend Teena. I knew if I just gave her a gift certificate she wouldn't use it because she doesn't like to do nice things for herself. She didn't have a choice this time. :-) Wal-Mart shopping for last minute beach items. All afternoon was spent packing, organizing, washing, making lists (knowing something will be forgotten).

8PM and still packing, washing, etc. Trying to move Puddin from room to room so she won't know. Now it's Chrissi's turn to amuse her while I pack my things. Have to get the house cleaned up so that Puddin's baby sitter won't be scared when she gets here. Tomorrow will be up at 6 and on the road by 8 at the latest with Myrtle Beach calling our names.

Trying not to dread the vacation. We all know that our kids have hard times with transitions so it's hard not have that little knot in my stomach. We go to the same house twice a year and this will be J's 4th time. Hoping she will have a comfort level on this trip. The other times there have been major blowouts and once we had to come home early. Low expectations, high hopes....

Happy travels....more later....

Therapy

Whew! What a relief....amazing what a little therapy can do. Turns out she is afraid to give up her anger because it's so comfortable. She's also afraid of what I will do if she gives up her anger. Lots of tapping and trying to reverse her energy. Things are much improved around here. Tomorrow I'm going to let Jessi give J the Love and Logic, "bad decision" sing song when things go awry.

J got her first massage tonight on the new table and she was LOVING it!!! She actually relaxed and seemed at ease and that's the first time since last Thursday. I am breathing a heavy sigh of relief tonight. We grabbed a quick bite of Mexican, picked up Puddin from the beauty parlor and home to let her ride her bike, scooter and be the official water girl. She had such a better attitude!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Therapy
2. A fabulous AT
3. An awesome daughter
4. J working hard in therapy
5. My peonies are about to pop

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Going on a date with Mom
3. Bike
4. Scooter
5. Official Water Girl

No time....

I don't have enough time to blog today so this will stand in my stead....

Enjoy and Thanks to all of you!

Amen!!!!

So eloquent, so true....

Oops....

My little rock star!

Completely forgot the gratitude list...duh! Shows how easy it is to get sucked into mental illness and forget to take care of ourselves.

Lisa Gratitude:
1. Massage table
2. That G didn't go over the edge when I told him J had to go to Mrs. Gaddy's because of J's treatment of Jessi
3. A beautiful drive home at lunch to help J get her yuckies out.
4. That my dad always cuts the light on in my office when he gets here before me.
5. My Awesome Mom

J's Gratitude:
1. Mrs. Kacak
2. Beautiful day
3. Dinner with Mom & Chrissi
4. Sleeping in her pretty pink bedroom
5. Hugs from Mom

*Heavy Sigh....edited*

My precious angel is having a flashback to 18 months ago when she would argue with a fence post. Everything that comes out of her mouth is an argument. Chrissi left the dinner table last night because she just couldn't stand to hear the incessant arguing. Maybe she's practicing her skills to be an attorney. Lauri had a great post today to which I could so relate.

She was not happy about being in Mom's school yesterday and proved it by being sooooo slow. I've come up with a plan to help with this but I have to wait until after we get back from vacation. I don't think being in "Mom School" is helpful for bonding at all so I knew I had to get a plan of action. The week we get back May 21 the very first time she starts torturing Mrs. Kacak, Jessi will put her in the car and take her to Mrs. Gaddy's for some therapeutic motivational respite. Mrs. Gaddy knows how to do this better than anyone I know and hopefully it will give Jessi some power. I think it's very important that Jessi take her and pick her up since the battle is not with me. I am missing her already but am praying that J will have a new found respect for Jessi. Trying to have patience until the plan goes into action. Two weeks is a long time for my Type A personality.) :-) Last night she ended up having to write an apology letter to me, Chrissi and herself (for calling herself names). Brilliant idea just came to me. The next time she argues I'll sit her in front of the wall and tell her to argue with it. Then she can write a paper about what the wall said back. (I had a teacher do this to my whole classroom when I was in the 6th grade. He never had that problem in his class again!) I think I'll give it a shot.

I had ordered a cheap massage table to use with J and it came yesterday. Yippee! I've been giving J a massage to help with bonding (and to learn that touch doesn't have to hurt) but it's so hard to do when she's lying on the bed. It's not comfortable for my back, arms or legs so therefore I dread it and procrastinate. The table should make it much easier on me and J. A massage in in J's future for tonight. Hoping she'll be ready to have one and not pushing me away.

J earned a few nights in the respite room from beating on the door yesterday. I know to you that do not live with a Radish that it is truly hard to understand. Some of you probably think I am the mom from hell and that all she needs is more love. (Look Lauri...! I'm going to wear my new talent out. Thanks for teaching me!) Chrissi has been meeting other Au Pairs in our area and has tried to explain about J. The other Au Pairs are always curious why a host family with only one child needs an Au Pair. Chrissi tries to explain to them that caring for one J is equivilant to caring for 6 children. They never understand and always end up saying that I must be a crazy mom and something must be wrong with me. They are right! ;-) About 2 months into J coming into my home I learned the hard way that it is not smart to talk about radishes with normal parents or people that aren't educated about RAD. It wasn't good for me and really worked on my self-esteem. Now I don't share with people who don't "get it" and my sanity stays intact.

Brace yourselves.....the world has stopped on its axis. G just called to find out where he could order a copy of Coming to Grips with Attachment. Miracle of Miracles!!!!

How I wish I were back at Serenity..edited

Friday she was a little terror to her teacher. Refused to do anything and was very defiant. Another letter, homework and laundry coming up....

Very difficult weekend for J. Last Friday we went to see the Broadway version of The Lion King. 1 minute into it and she was in my lap hiding her face. 2 minutes into it and J was UNDER the chair screaming in complete terror. I tried to talk her through it for about 20 minutes but she was either back in the floor or fighting me to try to get back in the floor. So we left. The next 2 hours and 20 minutes we spent in the mini-van while Chrissi finished the program. Lots of tapping to try to get her out of that space. She wanted to go back in and watch it on the monitor but I wouldn't let her because a few weeks ago we tried to watch Ratatouille. 5 minutes into that she was terrified and we had to cut it off. Didn't want to make the same mistake twice. I had tried to prepare her beforehand. We've been to lots of plays, read the story, looked at the program with pictures of costumes & masks, watched the movie, etc. Didn't work out....

8 AM Saturday she "worked" all day on her apology letter, teacher's laundry and the one math problem she had as homework. Please keep in mind that J could've done all of this in less than 1 hour but that would be too easy. She finally called it a day around 8 PM. Sunday...different day...same story....She worked on this until 8 PM last night.

Today Mrs. Kacak is going to teach Maddie (a doll) and J is going to "Mom's School from Hell". Fine with me if you want to be mean to the teacher. I'll pay Jessi to teach Maddie and she can use the computer, do fun school stuff, art, history and science projects and you (J) can do all the math problems (8 pages) of boring Excel spreadsheet problems (none of those cute little pictures and stuff), write sentences, write spelling words and oh, yeah...probably an apology letter to Chrissi too. Great empathy.....

I really think that she doesn't see Jessi as being strong (through no fault of Jessi's) so I'm going to have to figure out how to help Jessi look/feel powerful. I feel like I've tried everything and haven't found the key to unlocking the answer. Looking for suggestions here....

To our disappointment (yours & mine) "Bad Girl" had to be put on the back burner for a few days. I'll get back there soon. Pretty darn disappointed about that. I was really looking forward to it....Maybe that means I have more time to come up with a REALLY great Bad Girl Plan. ;-)

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Planting morning glories at the lake
2. Spring yet again at the lake (it is breath taking!)
3. I didn't get in any trouble.
4. The daily peony watch (pictures soon)
5. A glorious spring day.

J's Attitude:
1. Everybody hates me
2. Nobody loves me
3. I think I'll go eat worms
4. First one's greasy - goes down easy
5. Second one starts to squirm

Bad Girl

In the spirit of "you're only as sick as your secrets," I have to confess....Being the overachiever that I am, I have been reading ahead in Simple Abundance book. Priscilla is sitting at her computer snickering (because she is not shocked) as she is reading this....at the same moment she is saying to herself, "dear God what is that girl going to do now..."

November 22 says in essence to embrace the "bad girl" in you. So today I am going to do something absolutely wicked....not sure what yet...but you can be assured I'll come up with a plan. A few statements are "bad girls don't just want to have fun, they make sure they do. Bad girls are committed to the philosophy of personal pleasure. They smell expensive, wear fabulous earrings, black satin cut down to there, fishnet stockings, etc. Bad girls are in touch with their inner bitch. Bad girls don't have therapists because they don't need them. Bad girls have housekeepers and masseuses. Bad girls realize this isn't a dress rehearsal. Real life is what you make of it." I've already gotten 4 of the above bad girl traits down this week....going to make a plan and see what else I can come up with today. Maybe I'll tell you about it....if it's really, really bad I'll only tell Priscilla... ;-)

This morning, J made the statement..."Mom I am so grateful I have a home and I'm going to put that on my gratitude list tonight." Almost every day now she's starting to come up with grateful statements (during the day) and not just at dinner when we do the gratitude list. It's so cool that she's learning to have awareness. An attitude of gratitude can take the blah, ho hum or the bad out of any day. Of this I'm convinced.

Please pray for my friend Laura in Nebraska and Mary in Texas. They could really use them right now. Thanks!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. A grateful daughter
2. Getting to see spring again. Four weeks ago I was in Atlanta and was able to see Spring emerge, 1 1/2 weeks later I admired it in Gainesville, another week later in Habersham and yet another week later (last night) at Lake Burton. The leaves are just starting to peep out really well.
3. Letting the bad girl out
4. 5:30 AM sitting on the deck with a beautiful, orange crescent moon over me.
5. Listening to the birds waking up.
6. A glorious day in the neighborhood

J's Gratitude:
1. Scooter
2. Awesome mom
3. Listening to the positive affirmation CD
4. Home
5. Riding her bike
6. Brussel sprouts

Note to self

Went to the lake this evening to spray weeds before the massive seed planting on Saturday. Singing away with total oblivion to the fact that two guys on jet skis were sitting at my sea wall. Normally I would be pretty embarrassed but I recovered quickly. Life's too short...

Once Upon A Mattress book is ready and waiting for me this weekend. No therapeutic parenting books are going to be allowed.

Random thoughts...edited

I am so grateful that my hearing has improved over the years. In my previous life I was "stuck". I could read something but couldn't internalize the meaning. People could give me advice or suggestions but since I knew EVERYTHING there was no reason to try to incorporate their suggestions into my life or believe that there were people that might be more educated than I. A recent encounter with another mother (p.s. it's not any of you) that can't "hear" and is stuck in the crap gave me pause to reflect on the things I have overcome. She is trying to divine why on her own. Oh yeah, and whine a lot, be a martyr, etc.... Yup....this was me.... Today I am a perpetual student, willing to listen and learn. I have an open mind today and for that I am grateful.... ignorant is "you don't know"....stupid is "you can't learn". I qualified as stupid 9 years ago.

Last night I dreamed of Brad Pitt. What is up with that????? He was going to loan me his motorcycle....???? My days of being a biker bitch are long gone. Yes, I miss it sometimes but I don't miss riding without sobriety. I have no idea where that dream came from.... It did remind me of a hysterically funny post by my friend, Lauri I guess there are worse things to dream about....

Today's meditation from the Simply Abundant Life book really spoke to my heart. Going to process that all day. Still trying to fill up all the "holes" in my heart that need to be re-programmed with all things good. It will make me a much better mother, friend, daughter, etc. I had forgotten how much I loved music. I've been dealing with so much overwhelming stuff with J that I put it on the backburner. Now I'm on a mission to incorporate all the things I love back into my life. Finding that it's bringing a new dimension of Lisa into focus. J can tell the difference too. Amazing! P.S. You can't give away what you don't have. Duh again!

Doing things to remember that I am indeed a woman and that I can be sexy, funny, mysterious, outrageous, compassionate, kind, nurturing, whimsical, loving, etc. Sharing with a friend to nourish the garden of his soul I recognized I needed change in this arena. So I am creating the environment to nourish and cultivate all these parts of me. Lo and behold...I am my own secret garden! Who knew???!!! In the process others are getting better too. I'm trying to be a beacon of love, light and peace to all those I love. I can do this but only if I have it to give....

Music du jour: Timbaland's "Apologize", Gavin DeGraw's "I don't Want to Be", John Mayer's "Say", Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love", Rolling Stones "Wild Horses", Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman", Mary Chapin-Carpenter's "Passionate Kisses".

P.S. I have to learn to only sing along with the MP3 player only when alone in the car. Otherwise the neighborhood dogs start howling! ;-)

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Massage (thanks Teena!)
2. Awakening my sense of smell.
3. The HUGE, wild flame azalea outside my office window. (It's the biggest I've ever seen!)
4. A healing daughter
5. Anticipation (cue Carly Simon here)

J's Gratitude:
1. Sushi