Forgive me for rambling. It seems my life has become very rambly and if I don't just throw it out there I'll lose my nerve to post. Apologies in advance for the heavy.
Sometimes I'm hanging by a thread or so it seems. One minute at a time, one second at a time.
Grief is a funny thing. Well not really. It's sneaky and cunning. One second I am fine and the next overwhelmed. I still feel no need to grieve G because I've really worked hard on processing it for years. I am grieving a relationship that happened eleven years ago and the bad decisions I made at that time. There was a casualty, figuratively speaking, and I was the one that held the knife. My behavior was reprehensible. Not sure why it has hit so ruthlessly now. I'm doing a lot of writing, processing, tapping and therapy regarding that time. Regrets. Too many to count. I've done quite a bit of work on my life over the years and thought I covered my regrets. That's what I get for thinking. Somewhere deep down I knew it was there but it was too painful to face it. My behavior during that time still makes me cringe every time I think of it. Another layer of the onion to peel away. Recovery is a process not an event, I suppose.
I think I'm right in the middle of a miracle and lordy it's hard when you're in the middle of it. I know the outcome will be a bright, shining rainbow and another layer of freedom and joy but dang, when you're right in the middle it's so painful.
Working with my girls has forced me to look at things differently. That's a good thing even if it hurts for now. Settling for less of myself would make me a very bad role model.
I wish I'd done things differently. I wish I didn't care. I wish, I wish, I wish. Daammmmmnnnn.
Knowing it will be worth every second of pain when I come out of the darkness.
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." Mark Twain
Working on forgiving myself. Working on letting go of the past and the future. Letting go of the outcome. Grieving what I thought my life would be. It's all going to be OK.
I've written it all down extensively and put it in my God Can. It's not mine anymore. Every time I think of it I'm writing it down and putting it in the can. So far there's been 10 more additions.
Things are very calm now with G. I'm keeping my side of the street clean and setting up clear boundaries. I'm moving forward and reclaiming my life.