Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Painful Truth

Forgive me for rambling. It seems my life has become very rambly and if I don't just throw it out there I'll lose my nerve to post. Apologies in advance for the heavy.

Sometimes I'm hanging by a thread or so it seems. One minute at a time, one second at a time.

Grief is a funny thing. Well not really. It's sneaky and cunning. One second I am fine and the next overwhelmed. I still feel no need to grieve G because I've really worked hard on processing it for years. I am grieving a relationship that happened eleven years ago and the bad decisions I made at that time. There was a casualty, figuratively speaking, and I was the one that held the knife. My behavior was reprehensible. Not sure why it has hit so ruthlessly now. I'm doing a lot of writing, processing, tapping and therapy regarding that time. Regrets. Too many to count. I've done quite a bit of work on my life over the years and thought I covered my regrets. That's what I get for thinking. Somewhere deep down I knew it was there but it was too painful to face it. My behavior during that time still makes me cringe every time I think of it. Another layer of the onion to peel away. Recovery is a process not an event, I suppose.

I think I'm right in the middle of a miracle and lordy it's hard when you're in the middle of it. I know the outcome will be a bright, shining rainbow and another layer of freedom and joy but dang, when you're right in the middle it's so painful.

Working with my girls has forced me to look at things differently. That's a good thing even if it hurts for now. Settling for less of myself would make me a very bad role model.

I wish I'd done things differently. I wish I didn't care. I wish, I wish, I wish. Daammmmmnnnn.

Knowing it will be worth every second of pain when I come out of the darkness.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." Mark Twain

Working on forgiving myself. Working on letting go of the past and the future. Letting go of the outcome. Grieving what I thought my life would be. It's all going to be OK.




I've written it all down extensively and put it in my God Can. It's not mine anymore. Every time I think of it I'm writing it down and putting it in the can. So far there's been 10 more additions.

Things are very calm now with G. I'm keeping my side of the street clean and setting up clear boundaries. I'm moving forward and reclaiming my life.

22 comments:

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Oh goodness, whatever it is sounds like it is definitely holding you back, so I really hope it will cut loose and drift away.

A lot of people don't like Dr Phil, but he says one thing that I really love and think of often. The only thing worse than spending 10 years (or whatever) in a rotten situation is spending 10 years and one more day in that situation.

Give yourself permission to be imperfect, and forgive your mistakes. Learn. Move on.

You are AWESOME! You do what you need to do that will make the best life for you and your girls!

GB's Mom said...

Essie is right- you are awesome! To move through this pain to get to the life waiting for you is really brave. Be kind to yourself - we all have regrets, we all make mistakes. The past belongs in the past. I wish you peace for today.

Diana said...

Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful gifts you will ever give yourself and your kids. For some reason, it's easier to forgive other people than it is to forgive ourselves. As we all know, it's not always easy to forgive others!

I pray you will find the courage to make right what you can and turn the rest over to God and let Him heal it and heal you. Allow Him to have it and allow Him to set you free. Contact the person you hurt and plead for forgiveness if you can. If it isn't possible, have that conversation with a doll or a picture or whatever. Go through forgiveness affirmations over and over again..."I forgive you for x...I forgive myself for xxx." It is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but also one of the most worthwhile.

Just remember, you're not the same person you were back then. Focus on who you are now and let God have the past. No matter how ugly and hurtful it may be, He wants it. He's standing by waiting for you to give it to Him. I can assure you that He will do amazing things with it...and THAT is the miracle you are in the midst of.

obladi oblada said...

Yes..it WILL be ok. Forgiving yourself is important. THe past is the past, it cant be undone really. All you can do is move forward and learn from your mistakes. You have to be able to forgive yourself and turn the regret into wisdom.

Christine said...

Will call you later. Currently at the Children's Museum, on an entire floor of linoleum, surrounded by hard walls. How stupid is that?

SO LOUUUUUUD!!!

J. said...

Forgivness is one of the hardest parts of being human. i think it sounds like youa re doing all the right things. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself, remember that your perfect, God makes' no mistakes... sometimes the things we say to our kids should be said to us as well.

Kerrie said...

I hate pain. The worst part of forgiveness is you have to keep doing it over, and over, and over. And over. At least at first. Until you believe yourself. So sorry for all you're dealing with. Hang on.

Dia por Dia said...

You know what I think but I can call you and tell you again... :-) Let the lesson shape who you become but don't let it bog you down anymore. Trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now and let that help heal the regrets. Sending you lots of love!

Hannah_Rae said...

Oh, Father, we Mama's need your grace...for us. Help Lisa...hold Lisa.

Blessings!

Hannah

Lauri said...

Hugs...... just hugs

BT said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you're so sad and regretful. That is hard -- I know from experience. You are truly amazing, and you are right that everything is going to be okay. Do offer yourself forgiveness -- again and again if you have to.

Take good care.

Linda B said...

You really are a brave soul to face yourself and make changes that need to happen. I am too scared to change anything and the years keep going by. Even though you can't tell your girls everything, you are teaching them that taking care of yourself is important. So that you can take care of them. Wet, cold hugs from MN. (I would dry off and warm up for you though)

Sheri said...

You are an inspiration. An amazing woman! I cannot wait to hug your neck in 21 days.

Ashley said...

Loving you, Lisa. Just the way you are, because the you you are is very good to the me I am.

:)De said...

I love your idea of a "God can". Put in all in His hands...walk away...look and live forward.

wishing you gobs and gobs of Peace

Shanti said...

I echo what so many are saying...you're amazing, and an inspiration!

advocatemom said...

Luv you.

marythemom said...

I have no idea what's going on, but I keep picturing you coming out of this as a butterfly. Change is necessary and while being a caterpillar was also necessary and change can be painful, you will make it through this and be a better, stronger, more empathetic person. We all make mistakes, just make sure you learn from it.

As I said, I know nothing about what's going on so feel free to completely ignore everything I say, except this. You are loved.

Mary in TX

Tracey said...

As my mom would say, this too shall pass. In the meantime, lots of love and hugs headed your way!!

sarsmile said...

If you need inspiration, look at your kids. You don't still hold Jordan responsible for the things she did when she first came home, do you? She has grown and changed since then, and learned from her experiences. Surely you deserve the same consideration you give to her and to others?

Kelly said...

Your my hero. Absolutely amazing.

robyncalgary said...

such a GREAT post <3 thank you