Friday, May 30, 2008

Better days are coming....

The phone conference went fairly well considering. My client screamed for 30 minutes (he did not know CEO was in the room) then I asked CEO into conversation and things got a little better. Client will not scream at a man like he screams at a woman. There are people like this. Hopefully we're moving forward at this point.

On Monday Jessi took J to Mrs. Gaddy's in her mother's brand new SUV. Found out last night that my little darling wrote (with a pen) on the leather seats of said brand new vehicle. J knows better than to do this. She was just mad. Anyone know how to get pen out of leather?????? Grateful Jessi's mom didn't call and scream at me because I don't think I could take one more screamer.

The princess is coming home today. Whoo hoo!!! I can't wait to see her!!!!! Hoping and praying she can make it through all next week at Jessi's school. I have a feeling there will be a return visit because I've let Jessi be abused for so long that it might take longer for J to understand this is not acceptable behavior. Low expectations and high hopes.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Nobody has screamed & cursed me today
2. Mary, Lauri & Gerri...thank you for your kindness
3. I haven't had to run away from home yet
4. Mary again....thanks for propping me up
5. Fresh manicure & pedicure

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Days

I've been MIA for many reasons. Friday morning we discovered (at 8:10 AM) that our (reminder: I own a payroll company that does payroll in 43 states) bank had failed to send out the direct deposit files to the Feds. This meant that ALL of the employees for ALL of my clients that had direct deposit did NOT get their payroll money. We're talking millions! (I'm getting PTSD just from typing.) Proactively started calling all of my clients to make them aware and spent many phone calls with the bank to remedy the problem. Promised that everything was going to be fixed by 2. Didn't happen. All local banks were repaired by 2 but my clients in other states were not. 38 states were affected. I am starting to panic. One of the clients then started calling to cuss me out every hour. His rants would last at least 30 minutes each. This lasted until 8 PM. I gave him my cell phone number so that I could keep him apprised of the situation. Big mistake. Huge. Yes, I know it was horrible and inexcusable but cussing me out was not helping matters. Screaming didn't help either. I am not a bank and I cannot wire money. Please scream at the bank and not me. Nothing was going to make him happy.

I picked up J from Jessi as Jessi had picked her up from Mrs. Gaddy and headed for the lake with everyone including M. Trying to run my business from my cell phone and my employees were still sweating it at the office. Get to the lake and discover that I've left Puddin's leash at home and I can't take her out to the bathroom without it because I'm too close to the road. Drive 45 minutes in a thunderstorm to Wal-Mart to get another one. Empty gas tank so a stop at Race-Trak. Very late and cooking dinner is not a viable option so it was God forbid, McDonald's. Yuck! Back to the lake to discover that my icemaker & washing machine weren't working (supposed to have been repaired 2 weeks ago)(had brought all dirty laundry to the lake) and my garage door will not go up no matter how hard I pull. More abusive phone calls from my irate client as I am standing in my yard so the kids won't hear. During my phone call I discover that my neighbors (they are hateful, mean people. I've tried cajoling them with brownies, kindness and cakes over the years but nothing makes them happy.) had cut down 5 of my 15/20ft trees that I had a landscaper plant 5 years ago (on my property!!!) By this time I am shot out. I am a shaking, quivering hot mess. I go in my house (it's dark) and my neighbors come home from dinner. I strip naked in front of the windows facing their house. Yep, I really did it. That should've made them run put a For Sale sign in front of their house immediately. ;-)

Finally crashed into the bed at 1. Way past my bedtime. Only to get back up and spend the night pacing the floor because I can't sleep. Girls up at 7 to start the day. M doing chores, earning her way back home. J playing and having a great time. Tim calls me from the bank to assure me that he had talked to my client and everything was fine. 9 AM, M goes home. Not because she was ready but because I was stressed out. 9:15 AM. Irate client calls and cusses me out for the rest of the day. Talked to CEO of bank. He calls client and tells me everything is fine. Client calls back and reduces me to another quivering hot mess. When he starts cussing he will not stop for at least 30 minutes and some of them were over an hour. I swear he doesn't take a breath the whole time. He starts demanding that the bank have a jet on the tarmac w/ $500,000 cash ready to travel to 38 states to deliver money. Then he starts threatening me. You get the idea.... Finally he's through and I'm on the phone w/ bank CEO as 2 guys in Harley gear come walking down by driveway. A group of 6 motorcyclists from Indiana were riding down 197 and a couple riding with them had wrecked at the top of my road. I never heard it with all the commotion going on in my ear. Call 911, take blankets, pillows and icepacks. Loan out my bathroom and take drinks out. Wait on ambulance. Think the worst was a broken ankle and road rash but the husband was walking around and he appeared to be in shock so he pinky swore with me that he would get checked out too.

Sunday was spent the exact same. Now I haven't slept in 2 nights. More calls from the bank & client. Try to have some fun with J. Chrissi is home from Florida and she comes up to the lake. We already had another couple of friends and their son up for the weekend too. Craig & Murray saved the day. They always have a way of making things seem better.

Monday AM J & Chrissi head back home to meet Jessi so that J can go back to Mrs. Gaddy's (J had the same behaviors with Jessi after she picked her up on Friday so it resulted in her going right back). It usually takes 2 or 3 times to Mrs. Gaddy before J will give up the behaviors. She is extremely stubborn. She must get that from me. ;-) Lordy I miss that child! I did not get cussed out all day! It is a miracle!!!!!

Tuesday, to the bank to start ticking off all amounts on all deposits to audit the files. More cussing, ranting, raving, etc.

Yesterday, I checked out. Literally. Took the day off and Chrissi and I went to Six Flags. I am such a kid. I LOVE Six Flags! My addiction of choice is adrenalin. Left my phone in the car on purpose. We were done riding everything (at least 3 times each) on the rides of 1:30. Get back in the car and another message from irate client. I don't call him back.

Talking with the bank CEO's/owners/operation manager until 9 about the 6 issues that still have not been resolved. Fell into bed and finally slept.

Since I don't have the money to have my property surveyed again (the last time I had it surveyed they put in concrete markers to mark property lines. They have been taken up and it wasn't by me.) or to hire attorneys to prosecute them I dreamed/fantasized about buying a really nasty, disgusting sex tape, putting my TV in front of the window facing my neighbors house and playing it all weekend (volume off of course), renting my house out to people who will do the nasty on the lawn, putting in a privacy fence and painting it white on my side and neon graffiti on the neighbor's side. Fantasized other things too but these are my cleanest versions.

Phone conference with bank CEO and irate client at 1 today. Please pray for me.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

A Child Returns....

Dinner with Robin, Emily & Chavez last night was fabulous....trying to fill up my time with fun things while the house is empty. It was so great to see Emily! It has been way too long!

M.......I think she missed me...NOT! I knew she would be coming back because she would have to test her mom but I didn't think she would be testing this soon. A phone call last night and it was Lisa to the rescue. M thought I was there to visit until I told her to get in the truck. M didn't believe her mom when Mom told her to go clean up her room. Bad decision.... Awesome mom called me instead. Lots of drama (manipulation) with her mom till she figured out it wasn't going to work then she got in the truck and INSTANTLY stopped crying. It's like they can flip that emotional light switch in the blink of an eye! That always amazes me!

It was late so she didn't have to do many chores last night but after school will be a different story. Tomorrow she is out of school so she can work at my office. Boy I sure do hope when she goes home this time she decides to stay!

Still missing all my daughters....J, Chrissi and C. C hasn't called or written in months. Not even on my birthday which really stung. Robin assured me last night that all kids in their 20's are really selfish (looking back I was too) and she'll come around by the time she's 30. I guess she's just out trying to be an adult and find her way in the world. We all have to do this I suppose....It sucks though because I really miss her! She is an amazing person!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Time with Robin, Emily & Chavez (lordy I hope I'm spelling that right)
2. J is starting to work to come home
3. Seeds sprouting
4. All-Clad
5. Quiet

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I am lost without J. The house was sooooo quiet last night it was spooky..... My friend June came over and had dinner with me so that helped but after she left it was almost creepy. Absolutely didn't know what to do with myself. Couldn't sleep....must've been the full moon....Finished watching Dancing with the Stars @ 5AM. Frustrating because I could've slept until 6:30. My boyfriend Jason didn't win (darn it!) but he sure did look purty! Kristi was very deserving. The good news is that instead of waiting 5/6 days before J shows any signs of wanting to come home, this time she started showing it 24 hours in. Whoo hoo!!! Hopefully she'll be home tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait....

Darling M had a really great night with her Awesome Mom last night. Lots of cuddling going on....I am so happy for her. She told her mom that she tried not to like me but she just couldn't make herself. I'm irristible like that...;-) LOL

Lisa's Gratitude:

1. Pale pink peonies in full bloom (blooms are over 10" across!)

2. Dinner with June

3. Cool spring breezes

4. Puddin

5. Madison getting to go home

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Home Alone

Yesterday afternoon I talked with Mrs. Gaddy and learned that J cried real tears when she discovered Mrs. Kacak's consequence for her bad behavior. I was so encouraged even though Mrs. Gaddy said she had almost cried too because she was so happy seeing J's real emotions instead of the fake crocodile tears. I talked with J last night and told her I was so shocked to come home and discover she wasn't there and to find out where she had ended up. I told her that I loved her no matter what she did or where she was. It was so hard... yet, I know it was the right decision.

I picked up darling M (respite child) at school yesterday and she came home with a vengeance to work hard to get back home. Determinedly she washed the dishes and stock pots then I started her mowing grass in the front yard. I have a manual Reel Mower so you can imagine her excitement. I informed her that if she didn't do it right and fast & snappy the first time she would be invited to mow the back yard. That precious child was out there with scissors making sure she didn't miss a blade of grass. When she was finished she started sweeping out the garage while I checked her work. Made a big deal of muttering "darn it and dadgum" several times to which she started crying (thinking the back yard was sure to come) then I announced, "darn it, my back yard isn't going to get mowed today!" Tears of pure joy poured down her face. Praised her profusely for her hard work and she was beaming with pride! After she finished sweeping she went down to mop the basement floors and did a fabulous job there too. Couldn't find a speck of dirt! My basement is spotless!!!!

This morning I didn't tell her that she wasn't coming back until the school opened the door to let her out in the drop off lane. I told her to ride the bus home this afternoon and she had a smile as wide as Texas across her face.

She had written an apology letter to her Awesome Mom and it was too precious not to share:

My Dear Sweet Mother,

I am so, so, so very sorry for how disrespectful I've been to you lately.

At Ms. Lisa's I have done some very difficult chores but I have only truly worked hard the 1st day and today. I will continue to work hard even after
I come home. I have thanked God so many times (since I've been here) that he created people loving like you and Chris. Also, for the people like Ms. Lisa.

She has given me a rude awakening to the real world, but she has also made me stronger. She thinks (or I think she thinks) that I get mad at her but I really don't.

Anyways, I have been praying alot lately and those athiests can kiss my little booty because He has answered every single one of my prayers!

Now for YOU!!! When I get home to make up for my bad decisions I'm gonna give you and Chris 3 days off. You can pick which days these are but please don't make them in a row. Here is UR one way ticket!

I will:
Give you and Chris a massage(s) of choice (neck, back, feet...) for how ever long you want it to be, respect you and Chris, clean and organize my room, vacuum all of the carpet, load and unload the dishwasher, do all of the laundry, help Chris every day with the chickens and the "bitties", clean the entire kitchen, use my good manners, be nice, sweep off the porch, sidewalk, and back porch, make both of the beds, wash your car and wash Chris's 4-Runner.

Thank you for being there for me for the past 10 years. I will from now on pay you back by giving you the respect you deserve.

Your "New" Daughter

How cool is that!?!?!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Home Sweet Home

A wonderful time was had by all at the beach. J did FABULOUS! Did you notice that it's in all caps??? I am screaming from the Blue Ridge Mountain tops because I am so proud of her!!!! She made really good choices all week. Luckily for all of us there was a family staying in the house next to us that had an 8 y/o girl. J & Em had a wonderful time together. Thanking the good lord that Em was a little Miss Bossy Pants so it was a great learning experience for J to see it's not fun when someone is bossy all the time. If I had special ordered Em I couldn't have done a better job!

We all have been kissed by the sun and have wonderful tans, exfoliated feet and glowing faces. Buckets of seashells were picked, kites were flown, waves were ridden, volley balls flew in the pool and mounds of seafood were devoured. J had crablegs 3 times last week and cracked them all herself! I was impressed. Wednesday night we took J & Em to see the Tribute show (tradition for us) at Legends in Concert. Front row seats. Chrissi danced with Rod Stewart, Rod kicked a soccer ball to Em and a few minutes later one was sent to J. J put it back on the stage for Rod and he sent it back. Again she put it back on stage and Rod kicked it to the man behind J and the gentleman gave it to J and told her to keep it. ;-). Elvis (sorry to any fans but this guy is much cuter than Elvis ever thought about being.) always does the final show and Em was the first one to go ask for a scarf from him. This act prompted J to do so too. All the way home the girls argued over which one was going to marry Elvis. They were both adamant that he smelled like red roses. ;-) Too funny for words!

We took one last walk on the beach Friday night then packed the van for an early departure Saturday AM. Up at 6:30 for a last cup of coffee watching the ocean. 7:15 everyone was up and at 7:55 Elvis had left the building. I am a horse to the barn when it comes to going home. Nothing gets in my way. Therefore we were home in 4 hours and 20 minutes! Puddin had mourned all week and trained the baby sitter that the only way she would eat was out of her hand. I have a very smart furry daughter! Puddin was all smiles as soon as I opened the door and after 30 minutes of serious quality petting time she finally stopped crying.

Saturday evening I had a darling respite child with me and she is still here working on "issues" and being respectful to her Awesome Mom. My princess tortured Mrs. Kacak all morning so she is off to TMR for the week. I was hoping against hope that she would have a fabulous day and not threaten to kill her teacher. It wasn't to be so I am glad that Mrs. Gaddy was scheduled. I went home to tell her I had heard she was having a hard day and that I was very sorry. I told her I understood that Mrs. Kacak was going to have to do something about that and that I understood and supported Mrs. Kacak's decision but I loved her no matter what. I held it together until I got out of the house thank goodness. Going to miss her terribly and can't wait for her to come home. Makes me glad M will be there tonight to keep my mind off it.

Since J will be gone this week Chrissi is off for a solo tour of Florida. Horror of horrors...I'll be at home alone (after M goes home)! Little nervous for her to be out on her own for that long but she is a very smart and resilient girl so I'm sure she'll be fine. She has wanted to go to Florida since she got off the plane from Germany so I'm happy she'll have the opportunity. Evidently people in Germany think Florida is a really big deal so she'll be able to tell all her friends she has been there!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Seashells
2. Sleeping to the sound of the ocean
3. Awesome daughter
4. Beautiful vacation weather
5. Starfish

J's Gratitude:
1. Elvis
2. Crablegs
3. Vacation was a blast!
4. Massage from Mom
5. Elvis

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Busy Bees

Friday to the lake. Setting up for the season. Mickey had taken up residence at some point during the winter so the heebies made me sterilize everything. Yuck! Cleaning, washing, organizing. We were all such hot messes we jumped in the lake. I have never been in Lake Burton before June since I was a child. Saturday...2 hours of weed pulling (4 people). Over 6000 flower seeds planted and pine straw distributed (5 hours). We prayed a little prayer over them to "grow dammit!" :-) Boat house closet cleaned out. No small feat. Washing of pollen and watering new flower seeds. Flew home to get J in the bed on time.

Barely able to get out bed. Had to sort of roll out with every muscle screaming! I am not the only one. Chrissi did too and she's 18! Makes me feel a little better. Up at 6 to get ready for early church with my mom. J & Chrissi gave me a beautiful huge red heart filled with cards and (Chrissi made) cheese bread, sweet heart breads and apple strudel. Very beautiful and very sweet. I try to keep holidays very low key for J so she did very well. Church and brunch with my parents. I am a master manipulator. Last week I asked my mom to give me a day this week that I could have 3 hours. She gave me Tuesday so I scheduled a 1 1/2 hour massage with my friend Teena. I knew if I just gave her a gift certificate she wouldn't use it because she doesn't like to do nice things for herself. She didn't have a choice this time. :-) Wal-Mart shopping for last minute beach items. All afternoon was spent packing, organizing, washing, making lists (knowing something will be forgotten).

8PM and still packing, washing, etc. Trying to move Puddin from room to room so she won't know. Now it's Chrissi's turn to amuse her while I pack my things. Have to get the house cleaned up so that Puddin's baby sitter won't be scared when she gets here. Tomorrow will be up at 6 and on the road by 8 at the latest with Myrtle Beach calling our names.

Trying not to dread the vacation. We all know that our kids have hard times with transitions so it's hard not have that little knot in my stomach. We go to the same house twice a year and this will be J's 4th time. Hoping she will have a comfort level on this trip. The other times there have been major blowouts and once we had to come home early. Low expectations, high hopes....

Happy travels....more later....

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


Whew! What a relief....amazing what a little therapy can do. Turns out she is afraid to give up her anger because it's so comfortable. She's also afraid of what I will do if she gives up her anger. Lots of tapping and trying to reverse her energy. Things are much improved around here. Tomorrow I'm going to let Jessi give J the Love and Logic, "bad decision" sing song when things go awry.

J got her first massage tonight on the new table and she was LOVING it!!! She actually relaxed and seemed at ease and that's the first time since last Thursday. I am breathing a heavy sigh of relief tonight. We grabbed a quick bite of Mexican, picked up Puddin from the beauty parlor and home to let her ride her bike, scooter and be the official water girl. She had such a better attitude!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Therapy
2. A fabulous AT
3. An awesome daughter
4. J working hard in therapy
5. My peonies are about to pop

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Going on a date with Mom
3. Bike
4. Scooter
5. Official Water Girl

No time....

I don't have enough time to blog today so this will stand in my stead....

Enjoy and Thanks to all of you!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


So eloquent, so true....


My little rock star!

Completely forgot the gratitude list...duh! Shows how easy it is to get sucked into mental illness and forget to take care of ourselves.

Lisa Gratitude:
1. Massage table
2. That G didn't go over the edge when I told him J had to go to Mrs. Gaddy's because of J's treatment of Jessi
3. A beautiful drive home at lunch to help J get her yuckies out.
4. That my dad always cuts the light on in my office when he gets here before me.
5. My Awesome Mom

J's Gratitude:
1. Mrs. Kacak
2. Beautiful day
3. Dinner with Mom & Chrissi
4. Sleeping in her pretty pink bedroom
5. Hugs from Mom

*Heavy Sigh....edited*

My precious angel is having a flashback to 18 months ago when she would argue with a fence post. Everything that comes out of her mouth is an argument. Chrissi left the dinner table last night because she just couldn't stand to hear the incessant arguing. Maybe she's practicing her skills to be an attorney. Lauri had a great post today to which I could so relate.

She was not happy about being in Mom's school yesterday and proved it by being sooooo slow. I've come up with a plan to help with this but I have to wait until after we get back from vacation. I don't think being in "Mom School" is helpful for bonding at all so I knew I had to get a plan of action. The week we get back May 21 the very first time she starts torturing Mrs. Kacak, Jessi will put her in the car and take her to Mrs. Gaddy's for some therapeutic motivational respite. Mrs. Gaddy knows how to do this better than anyone I know and hopefully it will give Jessi some power. I think it's very important that Jessi take her and pick her up since the battle is not with me. I am missing her already but am praying that J will have a new found respect for Jessi. Trying to have patience until the plan goes into action. Two weeks is a long time for my Type A personality.) :-) Last night she ended up having to write an apology letter to me, Chrissi and herself (for calling herself names). Brilliant idea just came to me. The next time she argues I'll sit her in front of the wall and tell her to argue with it. Then she can write a paper about what the wall said back. (I had a teacher do this to my whole classroom when I was in the 6th grade. He never had that problem in his class again!) I think I'll give it a shot.

I had ordered a cheap massage table to use with J and it came yesterday. Yippee! I've been giving J a massage to help with bonding (and to learn that touch doesn't have to hurt) but it's so hard to do when she's lying on the bed. It's not comfortable for my back, arms or legs so therefore I dread it and procrastinate. The table should make it much easier on me and J. A massage in in J's future for tonight. Hoping she'll be ready to have one and not pushing me away.

J earned a few nights in the respite room from beating on the door yesterday. I know to you that do not live with a Radish that it is truly hard to understand. Some of you probably think I am the mom from hell and that all she needs is more love. (Look Lauri...! I'm going to wear my new talent out. Thanks for teaching me!) Chrissi has been meeting other Au Pairs in our area and has tried to explain about J. The other Au Pairs are always curious why a host family with only one child needs an Au Pair. Chrissi tries to explain to them that caring for one J is equivilant to caring for 6 children. They never understand and always end up saying that I must be a crazy mom and something must be wrong with me. They are right! ;-) About 2 months into J coming into my home I learned the hard way that it is not smart to talk about radishes with normal parents or people that aren't educated about RAD. It wasn't good for me and really worked on my self-esteem. Now I don't share with people who don't "get it" and my sanity stays intact.

Brace yourselves.....the world has stopped on its axis. G just called to find out where he could order a copy of Coming to Grips with Attachment. Miracle of Miracles!!!!

Monday, May 5, 2008

How I wish I were back at Serenity..edited

Friday she was a little terror to her teacher. Refused to do anything and was very defiant. Another letter, homework and laundry coming up....

Very difficult weekend for J. Last Friday we went to see the Broadway version of The Lion King. 1 minute into it and she was in my lap hiding her face. 2 minutes into it and J was UNDER the chair screaming in complete terror. I tried to talk her through it for about 20 minutes but she was either back in the floor or fighting me to try to get back in the floor. So we left. The next 2 hours and 20 minutes we spent in the mini-van while Chrissi finished the program. Lots of tapping to try to get her out of that space. She wanted to go back in and watch it on the monitor but I wouldn't let her because a few weeks ago we tried to watch Ratatouille. 5 minutes into that she was terrified and we had to cut it off. Didn't want to make the same mistake twice. I had tried to prepare her beforehand. We've been to lots of plays, read the story, looked at the program with pictures of costumes & masks, watched the movie, etc. Didn't work out....

8 AM Saturday she "worked" all day on her apology letter, teacher's laundry and the one math problem she had as homework. Please keep in mind that J could've done all of this in less than 1 hour but that would be too easy. She finally called it a day around 8 PM. Sunday...different day...same story....She worked on this until 8 PM last night.

Today Mrs. Kacak is going to teach Maddie (a doll) and J is going to "Mom's School from Hell". Fine with me if you want to be mean to the teacher. I'll pay Jessi to teach Maddie and she can use the computer, do fun school stuff, art, history and science projects and you (J) can do all the math problems (8 pages) of boring Excel spreadsheet problems (none of those cute little pictures and stuff), write sentences, write spelling words and oh, yeah...probably an apology letter to Chrissi too. Great empathy.....

I really think that she doesn't see Jessi as being strong (through no fault of Jessi's) so I'm going to have to figure out how to help Jessi look/feel powerful. I feel like I've tried everything and haven't found the key to unlocking the answer. Looking for suggestions here....

To our disappointment (yours & mine) "Bad Girl" had to be put on the back burner for a few days. I'll get back there soon. Pretty darn disappointed about that. I was really looking forward to it....Maybe that means I have more time to come up with a REALLY great Bad Girl Plan. ;-)

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Planting morning glories at the lake
2. Spring yet again at the lake (it is breath taking!)
3. I didn't get in any trouble.
4. The daily peony watch (pictures soon)
5. A glorious spring day.

J's Attitude:
1. Everybody hates me
2. Nobody loves me
3. I think I'll go eat worms
4. First one's greasy - goes down easy
5. Second one starts to squirm

Friday, May 2, 2008

Bad Girl

In the spirit of "you're only as sick as your secrets," I have to confess....Being the overachiever that I am, I have been reading ahead in Simple Abundance book. Priscilla is sitting at her computer snickering (because she is not shocked) as she is reading the same moment she is saying to herself, "dear God what is that girl going to do now..."

November 22 says in essence to embrace the "bad girl" in you. So today I am going to do something absolutely wicked....not sure what yet...but you can be assured I'll come up with a plan. A few statements are "bad girls don't just want to have fun, they make sure they do. Bad girls are committed to the philosophy of personal pleasure. They smell expensive, wear fabulous earrings, black satin cut down to there, fishnet stockings, etc. Bad girls are in touch with their inner bitch. Bad girls don't have therapists because they don't need them. Bad girls have housekeepers and masseuses. Bad girls realize this isn't a dress rehearsal. Real life is what you make of it." I've already gotten 4 of the above bad girl traits down this week....going to make a plan and see what else I can come up with today. Maybe I'll tell you about it....if it's really, really bad I'll only tell Priscilla... ;-)

This morning, J made the statement..."Mom I am so grateful I have a home and I'm going to put that on my gratitude list tonight." Almost every day now she's starting to come up with grateful statements (during the day) and not just at dinner when we do the gratitude list. It's so cool that she's learning to have awareness. An attitude of gratitude can take the blah, ho hum or the bad out of any day. Of this I'm convinced.

Please pray for my friend Laura in Nebraska and Mary in Texas. They could really use them right now. Thanks!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. A grateful daughter
2. Getting to see spring again. Four weeks ago I was in Atlanta and was able to see Spring emerge, 1 1/2 weeks later I admired it in Gainesville, another week later in Habersham and yet another week later (last night) at Lake Burton. The leaves are just starting to peep out really well.
3. Letting the bad girl out
4. 5:30 AM sitting on the deck with a beautiful, orange crescent moon over me.
5. Listening to the birds waking up.
6. A glorious day in the neighborhood

J's Gratitude:
1. Scooter
2. Awesome mom
3. Listening to the positive affirmation CD
4. Home
5. Riding her bike
6. Brussel sprouts

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Note to self

Went to the lake this evening to spray weeds before the massive seed planting on Saturday. Singing away with total oblivion to the fact that two guys on jet skis were sitting at my sea wall. Normally I would be pretty embarrassed but I recovered quickly. Life's too short...

Once Upon A Mattress book is ready and waiting for me this weekend. No therapeutic parenting books are going to be allowed.

Random thoughts...edited

I am so grateful that my hearing has improved over the years. In my previous life I was "stuck". I could read something but couldn't internalize the meaning. People could give me advice or suggestions but since I knew EVERYTHING there was no reason to try to incorporate their suggestions into my life or believe that there were people that might be more educated than I. A recent encounter with another mother (p.s. it's not any of you) that can't "hear" and is stuck in the crap gave me pause to reflect on the things I have overcome. She is trying to divine why on her own. Oh yeah, and whine a lot, be a martyr, etc.... Yup....this was me.... Today I am a perpetual student, willing to listen and learn. I have an open mind today and for that I am grateful.... ignorant is "you don't know"....stupid is "you can't learn". I qualified as stupid 9 years ago.

Last night I dreamed of Brad Pitt. What is up with that????? He was going to loan me his motorcycle....???? My days of being a biker bitch are long gone. Yes, I miss it sometimes but I don't miss riding without sobriety. I have no idea where that dream came from.... It did remind me of a hysterically funny post by my friend, Lauri I guess there are worse things to dream about....

Today's meditation from the Simply Abundant Life book really spoke to my heart. Going to process that all day. Still trying to fill up all the "holes" in my heart that need to be re-programmed with all things good. It will make me a much better mother, friend, daughter, etc. I had forgotten how much I loved music. I've been dealing with so much overwhelming stuff with J that I put it on the backburner. Now I'm on a mission to incorporate all the things I love back into my life. Finding that it's bringing a new dimension of Lisa into focus. J can tell the difference too. Amazing! P.S. You can't give away what you don't have. Duh again!

Doing things to remember that I am indeed a woman and that I can be sexy, funny, mysterious, outrageous, compassionate, kind, nurturing, whimsical, loving, etc. Sharing with a friend to nourish the garden of his soul I recognized I needed change in this arena. So I am creating the environment to nourish and cultivate all these parts of me. Lo and behold...I am my own secret garden! Who knew???!!! In the process others are getting better too. I'm trying to be a beacon of love, light and peace to all those I love. I can do this but only if I have it to give....

Music du jour: Timbaland's "Apologize", Gavin DeGraw's "I don't Want to Be", John Mayer's "Say", Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love", Rolling Stones "Wild Horses", Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman", Mary Chapin-Carpenter's "Passionate Kisses".

P.S. I have to learn to only sing along with the MP3 player only when alone in the car. Otherwise the neighborhood dogs start howling! ;-)

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Massage (thanks Teena!)
2. Awakening my sense of smell.
3. The HUGE, wild flame azalea outside my office window. (It's the biggest I've ever seen!)
4. A healing daughter
5. Anticipation (cue Carly Simon here)

J's Gratitude:
1. Sushi