Regulation

I'm desperately trying to get ready to leave in the morning for California. Not enough hours in the day.

That rocking chick, Christine, had something wonderful to say in the comments so I cut and pasted it here:

I'm chuckling. You had a list of almost 30 items, and everyone is stuck on the Skittles! :)

I think what we're forgetting is Lisa is not handing over a Skittle each time. She's always changing it up. My kids are old enough now to verbalize, "We HATE it how you always give different consequences, because we want you to stick with one we don't mind so much!!"

Today Mar asked if she could help with lunch. I said, "No. I already have the help I need, but I'll let you know if I need you later." Now, I know she asked, because it was obvious the kitchen was full. She set me up.

Sure enough, she decided she would start her chores EARLY (ya' know ... cause that's what she does *COUGH*). Doing her chores would mean climbing over all the bags of groceries to get to the spray bottle of cleaner.

I just smiled and said, "Someone is mad at me because they couldn't help get things put away for lunch. Of course, you offered to help when you knew I would say no. (pause - little lift of my eyebrows) And now you're perturbed because I figured it all out!"

She was kinda' stunned. "Alright, why don't you jump in place about 15 times for me."

After she was done, "Alright, what was it you did?" "That's right. If it creeps up again, I'm sure we can find something else to help you get it all out, instead of making a bad choice."

When I find her destroying something, my favorite thing to do is put her in a giant bear hug and start singing 80's love songs (ya' know - when I AM FINALLY REGULATED!!). She starts screaming right away, but eventually calms and we can talk. We don't talk restitution until she's regulated.

What I think we should be focusing on in the list above is how it all brings our children closer to us in some way, or helps their brains regulate ... which then helps them to draw closer to us again.

My kids won't manipulate me so they can jump in place 15 times again. You change it up all. the. time. Having a shocker of a Skittle now and then will bring surprise and warmth and love. I make sure I have one shocker-consequence at least once a week, dripping with lots of verbal lovin'.

When we get back I'll try to do a video or something to show what I'm talking about but Christine did a beautiful job of explaining until I can get to it.

Punishment vs Consequences

These are my opinions people, so please don't leave me any hate mail. Thanks in advance.

IMHO I don't think punishment works for RAD kids. I think it makes them shut down, dissociate and locks them into the fight or flight part of their brain. This is why typically star charts and other behavior mods don't work. When they have shut down everything seems like Mt. Everest to them. They can't manage it in their brain. It's unattainable even if it's a 5 minute task. My job as a RAD parent is to help them shake that off. RAD kids have already been punished enough for a lifetime. Why would I want to continue that kind of treatment?! Why would that make them want to bond with me? I don't think so. Before J came home I heard Parenting with Pizzazz CD (couldn't find the CD anymore but the book is still in print) by Deborah Hage. One of the things she said was, "who wants to bond with a b*tch?" Nobody.

I've tried many, many, many different things but the things that I think that work the best for us are the short and sweet consequences. Why does a consequence have to be bad? Short means that the consequence should take less than a minute and the sweet part is a Skittle or such deposited from my hand to their mouth. "Good job with that consequence honey" and a hug. Then I ask them what happened. They 'fess up and I'll give them another hug and congratulate them on telling the truth. Briefly talk about what happened and should've happened. Usually ends with a little dance spin and I send them off to their next adventure.

When there will be a natural consequence I just allow that to happen and let them learn from the experience.

Some of our consequences are:

1. Spin in a circle 3 times (I usually let them take my finger and spin them like we're dancing.)
2. Take your shoe laces out of your shoes and put them back in.
3. Run to the 1st drive way (we live in a low travel street in a subdivision so I send them to the neighbor's drive way. Its' about 50 ft away.)
4. Give Mom a hand rub.
5. Massage Mom's shoulders
6. 5, 10 or 15 jumping jacks (depending on age and ability)
7. Run jump on the mini-tramp for a minute. (Bouncing really helps change up brain function.)
8. Go swing (again, swinging really good for the brain)
9. Stand or sit in your think spot for a minute with their arms in the hooked-up position (brain gym).
10. Time-In's (sit beside me)
11. Hug Mom
12. Go find Mom a pretty leaf.
13. Go jump rope.
14. Follow Mom around (keeping them close to me)
15. Walk in a figure 8 pattern (brain gym)
16. Do the cross crawl. (left elbow to right knee and then right elbow to left knee in a marching pattern. (brain gym)
17. Tapping
18. Skip to the 1st drive way.
19. Hop 10 times then walk 10 steps to the first drive way.
20. Sit in Mom's lap.
21. Pull on your ears. (You start at the top of the ear and pull gently straight out all the way down to the ear lobe. brain gym)
22. Have a tea party.
24. Play doh time (moon sand, silly putty, whatever, just something they can knead)
25. Go color me a picture (can be very revealing of their feelings)
26. Blow up your imaginary black balloon with all the yucky feelings. Let it go and send all the negative energy away.
27. Put on your pink suit. (J & Sk's love is pink so they have an imaginary pink suit that they can put on from their toes up to their head. I "zip" it up to hold all the good stuff inside.)
28. You look like you need some pink love. (I "pour" my love into their forehead with my forehead touching theirs while I make silly sound effects of all the love going inside. I seal it up with a kiss and hold my finger on that kissed spot while they hug me, close their eyes and let all the pink love seep into their body.)
29. Hit your angry pillow.

Well, you get the idea. I used to have a consequence jar and and they could go pick their consequence. I still do it occasionally but I'm more practiced now so I usually just throw it out there. Copy, paste and use them if you like. Add some that are practical for your family or do some of the special things that are unique to your family. Don't forget the crazy nonsense things you can add too.

The major point is that I have tried punishment and it didn't work for us. I'm ashamed to admit that I have even swatted J's behind (after adoption). IT DIDN'T WORK. It only feeds the anger and self-loathing. If they have committed a serious offense I still do one of the above listed consequences and later after their brain is switched up from the fight or flight I'll whisper in their ear that they'll probably owe me something later to make it up to me. Then I assign the owed chore when they are in a happy mood. This means they will (usually) do it fast and snappy and not be stuck because they're brain is working right.

Then of course, there are the days that NOTHING works. Those days I just hold out for tomorrow. There are also the days that I am the queen b*tch. I hate those days. They just suck.

I don't have all the answers. I know it sounds insane. Probably goes against everything you know to be true or logical. Probably why it works. I just keep doing trial and error stuff until I find what works. What works today might not work tomorrow. If something isn't working give this a try. Just for a day. Not a lifetime commitment. You've got nothing to lose.

4th & Shopping

The 4th was fabulous! J did great all weekend. Saturday night when we docked the boat I told G I was going up to put SK to bed and let J go to the bathroom. Thought he understood that J was staying up to shoot the fireworks they had purchased. Not.

I told J to wait on the porch for G to come up and get the fireworks. She did. Very patiently. He didn't come up. He left with friends to go to his sister's house for another firework show. J was so upset. Bless her little heart she cried until she couldn't cry anymore. She fell asleep crying in my arms on the porch.

When G came in I explained what happened. He felt terrible but he didn't express it well so it ticked me off. The next morning J didn't want to hang around because she knew he would be grumpy. I don't blame her. I'm not crazy about hanging around with grumpy either.

We came on home and the girls played all afternoon (after a nap). Daddy G came over and sincerely apologized and all is well. I was very proud of J for voicing her feelings. She did a great job.

Today we spent in Atlanta shopping for clothes for J. She has outgrown every.thing. that I bought her 2 months ago and they were huge on her when purchased. It is horrible trying to find things that are really cute (she is a huge girly girl) in her size. Everything looks like they would be more appropriate on a lady of the evening standing on a street corner.

Cindy joined us (after I did some whining and begging) since she is fully aware that I am a fashion challenged individual and detest shopping. Thank goodness she came with us because there's no telling what we would've come home with us. J's going to have to do some major sucking up to Cindy so that in the future maybe Cindy will take J shopping and it won't be so much torture like it is with me. I am NOT fun shopping. It's a fact.

The really great news: Cindy doesn't see J that often so she's able to see significant gains in J. It is noticeable. She even remarked that J was a lot of fun to be around. This is a huge compliment coming from Cindy because she's very astute at picking up on behaviors. Yay for J!

Dia commented that maybe J would benefit from some 60-70's television such as The Brady Bunch and The Electric Company. Everything is much slower so perhaps it won't cause the dreadful meltdowns. (SK doesn't have this problem.) I've ordered some and we'll see how it goes on a rainy day. She's also posted some more great pics of the kids having fun. It was such a great time!

Brace Yourself

Not sure if this will come to fruition or not but I'm thinking of doing a CD on adoption parenting strategies for our state. I've talked with a few people and have several ideas up in the air.



Please don't think I'm trying to act like I know it all. I'm not a doctor or professional in this field. Far from that. I'm also far from the perfect parent. I screw up more than I get it right. However, I would've really liked to have had a cliff notes version when I first ventured down this path. I'd like to do something with a strong overview that would be helpful to new adoptive parents in our area. Expectations, strategies, blah, blah, blah. Share our story and be a hopeful example.



Could y'all help me with ideas? For those of you that have already adopted, think about what you wish you'd known. Those still waiting....what do you want to know? What would be the most helpful to know? Would you rather know strategies or techniques? Expectations?



You know...I can read parenting books till the cows come home but it's so much more helpful to me when someone models the right tone of voice and attitude for me. I just can't seem to do that in writing so I was hoping a CD might be more helpful to new parents. I want to give people hope, ideas, something to ponder, etc. In other other words I want to cram a lot of information into 1 hour.



What do y'all think????? Don't be shy! Email me if you don't want it posted here.

Darn It

Dia and the gang came by this morning on the way out of town. Headed back home. It was very sad watching them pull out of the drive way. Waaaahhhh!

Now she can firmly picture me sitting on my throne while blogging. They were also able to meet Puddin and lo and behold, for the first time ever, Puddin grinned on command. Dia has more pictures that were taken this morning but she did leave me with several and permission to print them. She's quite the photographer! BTW, she has a fabulous camera and I am so envious. Therefore you'll get great pics!

The visit only confirmed my belief that all radical families need to live in a commune. ;-)