Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Secret Love Letters to My Daughter

In January 2009, I started writing letters, secretly, to J in a journal.  I did really well for a few weeks of writing every day.  Then reality set in and it was several times a week.  It only took just a few minutes to write some of the positives of the day.  I kept it up for several months but then, since I was doing it secretly, I lost the journal.  I would keep moving it to a safe place so that J wouldn't find it and one day I couldn't remember where I had put it.   AAAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!!!  Enter major freak out!  I searched high and low to no avail.  Finally I gave up and decided it was gone for good.

Fast forward to this past weekend.  I started a MAJOR clean up of my house.  Trying to de-clutter and get rid of soooo much crap.  I swear the crap multiplies at night. :(  Lo and behold I found the journal.  Woo hoo!!!  So now I'm back to writing secret love letters to my daughter.   Along and along I will let her read some of it but I'm going to keep it in my sticky hands until she's at least 30 so that it won't get lost in the movings and events of life.  I believe there will come a time in her life that it will be more precious than gold but probably not for many years.

The letters are sometimes one liners and sometimes several pages depending on how tired I am or how much time I have.  I have found that this journal is also a gift to me when I re-read what I have written.  It keeps me focused on the positive and also warms my heart on hard days.

Here's a couple:

Dear J,

Did you know that I sneak into your room at night to watch you sleep?  You now have the most peaceful face.  It is most certainly the face of an angel.  I will sit and watch you for long periods of time.  Sometimes your nose will twitch and sometimes you talk in your sleep.  Sometimes you are all sparkly from fairy dust.  Always you are my precious daughter...  I love you, Mom

Dear J,

Today you made me giggle so many times.  I love you, Mom

Just typing these to share with you makes me feel all warm and fuzzy in spite of the fact that today is not an especially stellar day for either of us.

So I will keep writing and this time I will keep the same hiding place. :-)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Screaming on the Inside

A friend who has an undergraduate in psychology from about a hundred years ago has informed me that body memories of trauma do not exist and that kids cannot remember what happened to them before they were 3 years old.  He told me it was a bunch of hogwash that J could remember her sister trying to drown her at 9 months or that Kara could not remember eating soup in the orphanage when she was a baby.  I could just spit I am so mad.  This is basically calling J & Kara liars.  He has never worked in this field and he comes from a non-traumatic family back ground with two NT children. This is only based on what he "has read" since he still "keeps up with psychology" because he's "interested" in it.  He basically said that Kristy doesn't have any idea what she's doing and must not be worth a sh*t and our psychiatrist doesn't know anything.  Those are fighting words in my book so I had to hang up the phone before I said something I would regret.  My side of the street is still clean at the moment and I'm going to try to keep it that way.

I think he's too old to learn (as in people who have shut the steel trap doors of their mind and think they know everything) and has his head stuck too far up his nether regions to learn anything new but does anybody want to jump in with resources on this subject or personal accounts of your children's body memories?  He really doesn't want to learn anything new but I could use some back up.  I'm paralyzed with pissy-ness at the moment.

I realize he can be stunted when it comes to social cues as they are not one of his stronger attributes. When I'm though with being mad at him I think I should get him a copy of Amer*can Girl's book, How To Make a Friend and Keep a Friend because I think he needs some lessons.

The highest form of ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about. -Wayne Dyer

Monday, August 8, 2011


Until the pain of staying the same is greater than the

pain of change - chances are there will be no change.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Faith, Hope, Love

There are so many things that I want to model for J.  So many lessons that I hope she learns from how I handle things.  The most important lessons are listed on our fridge.  Actually they were on the fridge before J came home but have had to be re-written several times due to wear and tear.  They are listed not just for J but as a reminder to me to always walk the walk with her and with others in my life.  Because I am so forgetful they are also listed in a meditation book in my bathroom. :) This is also how I chose the rings for the necklaces in our commitment ceremony.  The words to match our family beliefs.  There's no way I could do it perfectly but I sure give it my best shot.  Last week we had to re-visit them with the incident with the boy at camp.  J can recite most of them by heart and taught them to Kara before they got out of the car for camp.  Maybe Ethan had a little better day for it........

May I always remember:

To keep my side of the street clean.

Kindness rather than anger.

To be considerate of others.

There are lessons to be learned from everyone, even if it's "how not to be."

To stand for myself but not against my fellows.

To learn to say, "you might be right." Even if I don't agree because everyone has their own truths.

That I don't have to accept every invitation to a fight.

To keep an open mind and to not let the steel doors of my mind slam shut before I have considered all aspects of a situation.

It's possible to agree to disagree.

Being mean is never OK.

People that act very angry are usually coming from fear and insecurity.  See the person...not the behavior.

To those who much is given, much is expected.

To be accepting of all others.  Wherever they stand.

Be willing to look in the mirror and admit when I am wrong.

Just because someone calls me a chair does not, in fact, make me a chair.

Peace and love is grown in our hearts and we take it out to the world.

Give what you want to receive.  Peace, love, security, kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, faith, hope. Especially when you perceive that someone has hurt you.

Enjoy the journey.

Progress not perfection.

Be grateful.