Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Giving It All

Emailing back and forth from one of my favorite-est people, a phrase was used.  "I've given all I have to give and I just don't have anything left to give."

People are way too quick to suggest things to do to help.  If you'd just do this or that or whatever.  Hellfire people, I'm doing the very best I can and it's never enough.  Nothing is changing, my kid is still pushing me away, she won't let me into her heart, the never-ending behaviors are enough to make me want to jump off a bridge, drip, drip, drip behaviors are making me lose my mind, the raging never stops, craziness is directed at me all the time, the passive aggressive drips are insane, why oh why did I ever get myself in this mess.  We are constantly second guessing ourselves and racking our brains for solutions to help our kids and it seems it's never enough.

There needs to be a new word for hard work that applies to what we do as parents of trauma.  Because "difficult" and "hard" just don't cut it.  Maybe it should go something like this: "seriously-fricking-fracking-what-a-crapping-pisser-I-want-to-kill-people-this-motha-f*cking-shit-is-exruciating-and-I'd-rather-have-bamboo-shoots-driven-under-my-nails-than-take-this-for-one-more-second."

Friends bail, spouses don't usually take the abuse that we do so they think we're just crazy, bystanders are quick to judge, and we rarely get any support from anyone in our lives.  It's a lonely and unforgiving place.  Until recently, the only friends I trusted, lived in the tubes because y'all were the only ones that I could trust to be safe with my very fragile feelings.

Emotional bankruptcy comes quickly.  And it is a hard, cold and lonely place to be.  Then we beat ourselves up because we feel like we have failed, yet again.  Ending this cycle is incredibly difficult.

Remember that phrase of "That which I accept does not control me"?  Personally I don't like being controlled.  So even though acceptance comes hard for me it's a dang sight better than being controlled.

So gang, I created a tapping video for all you fabulous moms who are doing the impossible every day.  I had to do some rubbing on my fear of the camera but I did it.  Yeah....as you're watching you'll see that I forgot some tapping points but it doesn't matter.  Even bad tapping is good tapping.  Just tap....

FYI:  This video probably won't be up for long so download it or whatever if you want to keep it.

I've edited to add the script for this video.  Change the words if necessary.  Use what works for you.  Email me if you have questions.  LisaAmos @ payco.org

Even though I feel like I suck as a mom, I totally accept myself.

Even though I'm so stinking tired and want to quit, I totally love myself.

Even though parenting a child with RAD/trauma is the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm a totally great mom.

Even though I don't think I can take one more minute of this mess, I totally love and accept myself.

Even though I've given everything I have to give and there's nothing left to give, I love and accept myself.

Even though I don't have an ounce of patience left, I'm a totally great mom.

Even though I hate my kid right now, I totally love and accept myself.

Even though I give so much that I don't have anything left for me, I love and honor myself.

Even though I'm stressed to the max, I totally love and accept myself.

Even though my kid keeps pushing me away, I will love and honor myself.

Even though my kid hates me with every fiber of their being, today I will love and honor myself.

Even though I hate everyone who contributed to this problem, I forgive them and I forgive myself.

Even though I feel like quitting, I love and accept myself.

Even though I want to jump off a bridge right now, I'm a totally great mom.

I also recognize that love takes time.

Sometimes a lot of time.

Love doesn't happen overnight.

Sometimes it takes longer than others.

I'm clearing anything that might slow it down, even if it's me slowing it down.

Clearing the frustration

Clearing hopelessness

Clearing the pain

Because I've been doing the best I could

Based on my programming

and I'm clearing the programming that holds me back.

Including all this programming that says I should hurt, suffer and feel hopeless and frustrated

Sometimes I get angry, frustrated and resentful.

Sometimes I feel under appreciated by my family.

And that can be painful

I choose to clear the pain

Because that's just taking away my energy.

I choose to feel energized.

Clearing the stuff that slows me down.

I'm acknowleging the progress that I am making

and letting go of guilt and shame so I can achieve more

I'm doing myself a favor and getting better in mind, body and spirit

I'm doing the best I can

I choose to honor myelf

I choose to appreciate myself

My kid is deficient in the appreciation field.

I choose to love them anyway and I choose to love myself.

I choose to take care of myself

Doing what I need to do to take care of myself.

I'm allowing myself to feel good and to feel good about myself.

Clearing all things that don't feel good.

Doing what I need to do to make this difficult situation better.

and allowing myself to feel good in the process.

I deserve love and respect and I'm giving it to myself first.

The better care I take of myself the better care I can give others.

Feeling better in mind, body and spirit

I'm allowing myself to be whole

I'm letting go of the guilt, the shame, the anger, the resentment.

I'm choosing to feel good about myself where I am right now.

Totally loving and accepting myself as I am right now.

Take a deep breath in and let it out slowly.


stellarparenting.com said...

hearing your voice made my awful, horrible, no good, very bad day so much better. Thank you.

Lindsay Mama to Nine said...

I so so so so so so so LOVE YOU.
This post is exactly where i am at today. I miss you, I miss your voice...love you Lisa.

RV Puzzled said...

Thank you for being vulnerable enough to post this. I needed it. So many of us needed it. You are wonderful and SO appreciated. xoxo

RV Puzzled said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mama Drama Times Two said...

Thank you for being brave and for being YOU. Love you and miss you awful....

alicia said...

Oh girl. Again you have given me and all of us a much needed gift. Thank. You. So. Freaking. Much.

alicia said...

Oh girl. Once again you have given me and all of us a much needed gift. Thank. You. So. Freaking. Much.

Sarah said...

"My child is deficient in the appreciation field" LOL I LOVE that part!! Perfect! And THANK YOU again! Tapping is so much easier with your voice. Please leave the video up. <3

The Accidental Mommy said...

I may or may not have said, child, you sucked the nothing out of me 6 months ago.
You are so right, there needs to be a word that expresses the exhaustion- frustration- pisser job!

Kristine said...

You are so beautiful!

Thank you!

Ranger said...

Thank you, there's no substitute for learning and trying something new than seeing someone who knows showing you how {} You got this house hold tapping!

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

don't think my first comment worked.

so the short version is:

THANKS L for posting this. I vote for leaving it up!!

:) thanks for the message earlier today. I needed it.

Mama Sarah said...

Dang. I get this day. I have had them alot. I used to stand out on my back deck and scream. I had a neighbor call the cops once. I so wanted to ask them to take him for awhile - but I didn't. It is like I say, these kids break us - we all break. It is how we choose to go on that matters.

My son was so out there we all thought our only path was to a lockdown facility. And he was five. Many doctors wouldn't even attempt to treat him.

I lost what was my life before him. I became a different person. And then one day he began to get a little better. Yeah, yeah, he still screams he hates me but he also has a lot of good moments. He has been suspended from school this week for truely outrageous behavior but he is not the child I once knew.

Love takes time. And it happens on the schedule of the child, not ours. Alex told me recently that he did all those things that literally made me insane because he was scared - so scared.

The better mom I was the more scared he bacame. Alex, my son, the miracle boy told me that himself.

So, just breathe. And tap. And love. Find a place to still be yourself. The kid pushes you away and drives you to the brink to see what you will do. Will you stop loving? That what my son told me. It is prue fear at a primal level for our kids. They may never come out of their self-imposed emotional cage but they still need us to be there. As one therapist told me, them being in the cage and us on the outside being tortured may be the best they can endure.

We did not wire our kids or the way they have had to survive trauma. We simply love them - the survivors.

So get angry, get mad - be okay with having no more patience. Tomorrow will be a new day. Just breathe.

And then bake them cookies, refuse to impose consequences and try to tell them all the amazing things they do. I will even make things up. Ignore the bad and icky. Try to cry outside of line of sight.

I will keep you in my prayers.

p.s. Alot of the trauma kids regress at 10 or 11 for reasons not entirely known. My son turns 10 soon and I have him back in therapy even though things seem okay for now. When that geyser of insanity blows I want staff on hand. I am just the mom - I need help from the crazy people docs. :)

p.p.s. - Remember to love yourself. Everything you think or feel is valid. You are simply overriding your own self-preservation instincts because you decided to love a survivor. That is a gift.
Take care and god bless.

Lauren said...

Finally de-lurking...You and J are both awesome and amazing! I love reading your blog and you both inspire me so much! Thank you for sharing!
-Lauren D.

Dawn said...

Someone just directed me here. Thank-you!! I GET how to do tapping now!!