Thursday, June 30, 2011

Feeling Claimed

It is blatantly obvious that J feels more "claimed" since the commitment ceremony.  She has a comfort level in our family environment that I have not seen before.  I hear her saying more "we" statements rather than "I" statements.  As in we're a team and she "feels" it on a very deep level.  How I wish we had done this sooner!  She laughs at herself more rather than feeling embarrassed.  She is laughing more period.  Appropriate, "I am delirously happy" laughter.  She is trying new things that before she wouldn't attempt for fear of failure.  She is sleeping better and her previous heightened startle response is almost nonexistent. 

It has been very interesting and informative to watch the difference.  Yes, I "knew" that I claimed her but on some level she didn't feel like I really meant it.  Even after 5 years of being home.  Now she feels safe and loved to her very core.  You can see the changes on her face AND in her actions.  Her breathing is even more steady.  She can hear better because she's not trapped in her amygdala wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.  She is more relaxed.  Things that used to frustrate her to no end is now a piece of cake for her.   She will readily admit when she has made a mistake and moves through it rather than feeling she has to be perfect. She feels safe. 

I am so glad that our anniversary will not be anywhere close to her traumaversary.  By family vote we have decided that from now on we're not going to celebrate the adoption date and instead celebrate our commitment day.  My gift to her was a music box that covers 4 of the 5 senses.  Another stellar idea from the keepers of wonderful ideas. It has a picture of us inside, peppermint essential oil (our favorite) dropped inside and it plays, "My Girl".  She keeps it very close to her and you can see her face light up every time she reads the engraving and hears the music. 

J gave me this beautiful angel.  Yes.... I was a puddle.  Not that I, in any way, think I'm the miracle in her life but that she is mine.  She has changed, touched and moved me in ways that I didn't think possible.  However, I was very touched that she was so very thoughtful. 

Garth Brooks, "You Move Me" speaks volumes of our journey.  Here are the lyrics:

This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive
And no guarantee

So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me on
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on

This is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions
Not knowin’ what they mean
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn’t budge
I might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch

Oh but you move me
Out of myself and into the fire
You move me
Now I’m burning with love
And with hope and desire

How you move me

You go whistling in the dark
Making light of it
Making light of it
And I follow with my heart
Laughing all the way

Oh ‘cause you move me
You get me dancing and you
make me sing
You move me

Now I’m taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me

This mama's heart is singing. ♥

5 comments:

FaerieMama said...

beautiful. nothing more i can say...just bEAUTIFUL.

GB's Mom said...

You guys have me in tears.

Lee said...

My heart is singing for the 2 of you too.

Suzie said...

Whow, that's soooooo beautiful to read, so touching.

Love your inscription in her gift and her inscription in the gift for you!

ani said...

I think my parents like alot of parents thought I was a "gift" (allot of adoptees hate this word, I dont really like it either) When my father died when I was 30 I realized that he was a gift to me. My father abandoned my bmom and me,, also he abandoned his children prior to me. I could have had him as a father for lifetime instead i had this beautifull loving man as my father. He was my gift. Not the other way around. As it should be.

hugs,, ani