That rocking chick, Christine, had something wonderful to say in the comments so I cut and pasted it here:
I'm chuckling. You had a list of almost 30 items, and everyone is stuck on the Skittles! :)
I think what we're forgetting is Lisa is not handing over a Skittle each time. She's always changing it up. My kids are old enough now to verbalize, "We HATE it how you always give different consequences, because we want you to stick with one we don't mind so much!!"
Today Mar asked if she could help with lunch. I said, "No. I already have the help I need, but I'll let you know if I need you later." Now, I know she asked, because it was obvious the kitchen was full. She set me up.
Sure enough, she decided she would start her chores EARLY (ya' know ... cause that's what she does *COUGH*). Doing her chores would mean climbing over all the bags of groceries to get to the spray bottle of cleaner.
I just smiled and said, "Someone is mad at me because they couldn't help get things put away for lunch. Of course, you offered to help when you knew I would say no. (pause - little lift of my eyebrows) And now you're perturbed because I figured it all out!"
She was kinda' stunned. "Alright, why don't you jump in place about 15 times for me."
After she was done, "Alright, what was it you did?" "That's right. If it creeps up again, I'm sure we can find something else to help you get it all out, instead of making a bad choice."
When I find her destroying something, my favorite thing to do is put her in a giant bear hug and start singing 80's love songs (ya' know - when I AM FINALLY REGULATED!!). She starts screaming right away, but eventually calms and we can talk. We don't talk restitution until she's regulated.
What I think we should be focusing on in the list above is how it all brings our children closer to us in some way, or helps their brains regulate ... which then helps them to draw closer to us again.
My kids won't manipulate me so they can jump in place 15 times again. You change it up all. the. time. Having a shocker of a Skittle now and then will bring surprise and warmth and love. I make sure I have one shocker-consequence at least once a week, dripping with lots of verbal lovin'.
When we get back I'll try to do a video or something to show what I'm talking about but Christine did a beautiful job of explaining until I can get to it.
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9 comments:
Ok, I must have misunderstood then. I thought you meant that you did give a skittle each time a consequence is completed - the ritual was a short consequence followed by a sweet skittle. Christine makes it sound like the sweet is more of an option - that sometimes instead of asking them to jump up and down or whatever, you give them something yummy instead, just to change it up. When you get a chance, would you mind clarifying?
(And yes, she's totally right that we're focusing all of our attention on one little thing. In my case, that's because the general concept makes tons of sense, and so I'm focusing on the details that I'm still working through, trying to visualize how I would make it work someday. Not because I think this one thing somehow invalidates or takes precedence over the rest.)
Thanks for posting this- Christine made me understand better too. If she keeps making so much sense I'm seriously going to stalk her and become her next door neighbor:)
Have a GREAT time in California!!
In three weeks we will be running our own RV park. People can literally come and LIVE WITH ME! I AM SO EXCITED - ya' know, cause I need to be around other Moms probably more than they need to be around me ... but I'll happily try to convince you all you need to squat at my pad.
Nothing, nothing, NOTHING refreshes me more than just knowing I'm not in this alone. It's huh-uuuuge.
sarsmile,
I should go back and reread the post. It is possible I have spent so much time picking Lisa's brain that I read between the lines without even knowing it.
I'm trying to see if we could all do a support group via Skype on a regular basis. Writing is so hard, because we can never get the whole, giant, RAD picture (because our days are so never-ending and so constant). To be able to chat, using our actual voices, would be RICH!
Heck, we all have days we can read some posts, but not all the comments, so we miss out on some really great ideas and clarifications. UGH!
I did brush my teeth today. I think that is worthy of a trophy or something.
CHOICES!!!! I think I'm forming a blog about that in my mind! Thanks! We had consequences for bad---uh hummm, trying to kick the cat---bad choices today.
I don't recall getting the memo about a trip to California. Details dear?
Like I said, I need an RV. :)
Have a great trip in CA!!!! :) :)
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