Wednesday, January 27, 2010

How NOT To Parent a RAD Kid

Most days I can do therapeutic parenting. The post below was not describing one of those days.





Tuesday morning J needed to take a shower before we left to go to Betsy's and later to therapy. She didn't want to take a shower.

Did I let the chips fall where they may and let natural consequences follow. Nope. Did I step in and try to help her regulate. Nada. Did I try to talk with her about the "big feeling" that made her not want to take a shower. No way.

I stepped onto my high horse and got into a control battle. Ugh. I know better. Now she was rolling her eyes, throwing some stink bomb looks my way, stomped around the house and finally dramatically threw herself on her bed. She was done. No way she was going to take a bath. She had drawn a line in the sand. Did I let it go? Silly people....no way.

An argument ensued. Not a pretty argument. No yelling but an argument nonetheless.

Why? Because it was my stuff. I did not want J to leave the house dirty because it was a reflection on me and my parenting. Now picture me.....I am banging my head against the wall. Idiot. Imbecile. What was I thinking?!?!?!?!

I put myself into a timeout. I needed it. Serious talk with myself to get a grip Lisa. 5 minutes later I was able to go in and be the parent she needed me to be. She became calm and regulated. More talking about the feelings and an apology for not doing the right thing the first time. The thing that I knew worked. Apologies from her for the disrespect. Hugs and all was right with the world.





Then she took a shower with no problem. Shower, hair washed, dried and dressed cute as a button in 15 minutes.

Hugging the unhugable. Loving the unlovable. Taking the time to do the right thing and making the choice to do it. Control battles never work. Keep my eye on the prize. Keep my stuff out of the mix. Stay connected. All of these things need to be tattooed on my body.





Remembering there was a time I had to put vi*ks salve under my nose. Gratefully those days are long gone.





In case you were early to the game yesterday I added a link to Dia por Dia. Click here.

20 comments:

Priscilla said...

That was a trial run for the teen years. The eye rolling happens even in non-RAD teens. Just makes you want to spit. But that too shall pass. Sending you hugs. P

Priscilla said...

That was a trial run for the teen years. The eye rolling happens even in non-RAD teens. Just makes you want to spit. But that too shall pass. Sending you hugs. P

BT said...

So you really are human, huh?!

Seriously, I hate my choices at those times when I choose not to be a good RAD mom. Yes, we know better. But sometimes it's just so hard!

Jillene said...

I have had to put myself in time out before too.

Jillene said...

I have had to put myself in time out before too. Oh--and on more than one occasion!! (0:

GB's Mom said...

The best thing about our kids is that you know they are going to give you a another chance to do it right- and soon.On to today...

Little Wonder said...

been there---done that

Linda B said...

First thing I thought Lisa was "She's human after all!" with a smile. It is so hard to remember this stuff in the heat of the moment. I need more than 5 mins in time out! You are da mama!

Dia por Dia said...

yep. got it. My head knows it. My heart knows it... but I still go there...regularly. Just today with Corazon in fact.

J. said...

we all have days like that, yours sound tamer than mine!

waldenbunch said...

Our human nature confronts their trauma and boom! Just remember that on your worst days it's so much better than anything she's ever known. And we're not supposed to be perfect.

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

Ugh, stinky kids ick. Listen up dear, you had the normal regular reaction. Parenting our kids goes against everything that makes sense! Find the thing you least want to do, with no rationale, that is going to make you cringe in the midst and that's the thing to do. Impossible. Getting it right 51% of the time deserves an award and your own episode of Oprah.
What you did worked. So there.

Diana said...

Yeah for you for getting it right in the end and fixing your mistakes. Yeah for remembering that this is not instictive parenting we are doing with our kids. Yeah for being human and sharing your ups and downs with us.

Shanti said...

mommy time outs sure can work wonders. and yay for you for stickin' with it!!

Lee said...

You are an awesome parent. Almost every time I read your post I read something amazing and therepeutic (and much of this translates to kids that are not necessarily RAD dxed btw) but today you reassured me. You are um, HUMAN! LOL

advocatemom said...

You are human indeed! Remember also that our kids want us to engage in the power struggle. And they are good at pushing buttons. Dont be too hard on yourself.

matryoshka said...

Sometimes I hear myself arguing and speaking more and more loudly, and the whole time I hear my voice and tone and volume there's this voice in my head telling me that it's the worst thing I can do, and yet I'm STILL doing it..because some days it's a toss up which of us is the more stubborn one, and neither one of us is going to give in to the other. yup..lots of human going on here too :).

Tudu said...

We all have those days. They make me feel terrible but unavoidable sometimes. It usually takes me a bit longer to realize what I'm doing and correct myself so my hats are off to you. I'd have so let her go nasty and made sure the rest were spotless. LOL

Dawn said...

Oh, I loved this post. I feel less alone. I too have days when I do what I know isn't going to work, but I do it anyway because at that moment if feels better than doing what I know I should do. Humm, I suddenly have more empathy for my little darlings.

Dawn
www.CreatingaFamily.org

marythemom said...

*sigh* I did not handle my issue with my RAD daughter well today. You are reminding me that I should have handled this with more empathy. Thank you!

Hugs and prayers,
Mary