Not MIA

Still around....J is percolating beautifully and is amazing to watch. Planting flowers, taking care of me, managing behaviors, etc.

In case we're not friends on face book, I have been posting lots of spring pics there. Love spring....really love it. I discovered Erin through Pioneer Woman and it's been like crack. Seriously. I. can't. put. it. down. My camera is screaming uncle. Erin has been so helpful with elements and she's taught me lots of great tricks. We spent a couple of hours together Saturday night (phone/net) and I was on information overload afterward.

It's so interesting to me that I've met so many great friends in Texas.

Had a fabulous time with Sheri last week in Stone Mountain. It was very cool and like coming home to meet her. She's so real and genuine. Robert wasn't too bad either. :) The kids had a great time. They were in the pool at 7:00 in the morning! Unfortunately for Sheri she had to meet me on probably the worst day I've had all year. She really helped me feel better and totally understood when we had to crash early. Thanks Sheri! ♥

I'm not going to be able to go to my annual spring retreat next week at Seabrook Island. It's during the week this year instead of the weekend and sitters could not be arranged. Cried rivers over that. Blubbering fool. I live for that trip and pay for it in advance every year so I'm committed. That's all I can say about that or I'm going to start blubbering again. Priscilla suggested I do the below and it won't be my special weekend but it will be a break.

Next week is Bon J*vi. Really excited about that. The next day J is going to spend the weekend with G, K is staying here with Connie, and I am jumping in the car for a sabbatical until Sunday. Me...only me....well...my camera of course. Hoping to get lots of cool shots so be looking for them on FB. I have no idea where I'm going. The only thing I'm sure of is that I'm going north of here. Blue Ridge Parkway, Tennessee, Asheville????? I'm just going to jump in the car and go where the wind takes me. More will be revealed later.

Edited to add: Yes, I took the bee picture yesterday. Amazing detail. Especially if you click on it to make it larger. Lots more really cool shots on FB. Click on the link on the right.

Spring Pics

Hmmm....

Wellb*trin is really helping and I'm hoping that a quit date is imminent. Feeling ever so much better. I take a double dose 80mg of L*tensin for my blood pressure every day and on a good (low stress) day my resting BP runs about 150/95. Because it runs so high (hereditary and have been medicated since I was 15) I try to check it every other day or so. I've read several places that Wellb*trin can cause BP increases. Obviously don't need that so I've been checking it every day now. Today was 114/63! A miracle in itself. Woo hoo! Have no idea if it's the exercise (although it's never been this low before on an exercise program) or the vitamin regimen. Really don't care, just tickled to see those numbers.

Today the Chia Seeds came and I've started taking those. Yes....I do everything Christine tells me to do. :) I didn't listen to *prah or Dr. *z. cause Christine is where it's at. :) She's supposed to be working up a post on it so be looking. Among having omegas it also helps with:

•weight loss/balance
•thyroid conditions
•hypo-glycaemia
•diabetes
•IBS
•celiac disease
•acid reflux
•lowering cholesterol
•Provides energy
•Boosts strength
•Bolsters endurance
•Levels blood sugar
•Induces weight loss
•Aids intestinal regularity

There's more but you can click on the link above and check it out.

I've found a great company that is family owned, Nuts Online, has them for $7 a pound. Very reasonable. Love the stuff. Great straight out of the container and I've also made up some of the gel. Put the girls on it too. They included a gift bag of chocolate mint cookies in the package. That certainly made me appreciate them even more. :)

****Edited to add: Christine sent me this link right after I put this post up so I need to include it.

I'm also working up a post on what it's like parenting J these days. It's still rolling around in my head but it will come to fruition soon.

What a Difference a Day Makes

This morning I woke up back to me again. And ever so grateful. It made me have a new respect for how the wrong meds can affect you. Honestly it was pretty scary for a while yesterday. On top of that I felt like I was walking through mud that was as deep as I am tall. Struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't realize how bad I was feeling until this morning and I was actually able to do stuff. Like make breakfast, walk, (today I finally mastered 31 minutes this morning and 20 tonight and it felt great!!!!!) act like a mom, make a sentence, brush my teeth, etc.

We made the trek to town and I got a script from a PA for welb*trin. Ten days to Q-Day.

Ashley became a mom today. A beautiful baby girl. J & I are over the moon for her!!!!

It snowed today. Nope. I am not kidding.

Not So Good...

I started chant*x last Tuesday. Everything was pretty good until day 3. On day 4 you're supposed to take 2 pills a day. Friday was so-so. Saturday it was a beautiful day and all I could think of was taking a nap. Today I barely got out of bed. I didn't even bother exercising. Didn't have the energy. This afternoon I finally figured out that I am depressed. Like majorly depressed. Knew all the B-vitamins should be picking me up so didn't think they were they cause and finally deduced that it had to be chant*x. Sure enough one of the side effects is depression. The nausea isn't so great either. This is so not cool.

Going to try to figure out an economical way to try wellb*trin. Not having insurance majorly stinks at times like these. If I am able to do wellb*trin I may have to re-think my quit date since it takes (I've heard) 5 to 6 weeks to get in your system. Having to wait 5 or 6 more weeks makes me want to cry and the thoughts of quitting on Tuesday makes me want to cry too. Having to sit for a doctor's appointment makes me want to cry. Puddin is looking at me and it's making me want to cry. Yep. You guess it....pretty much everything is making me want to cry. This is so not me.

This just sucks.

Hoping it's out of my system by tomorrow.

Changes

Just because I'm a sorry blogger lately doesn't mean there isn't a lot going on. Didn't want y'all to think it's all crickets over here.

I've really begun a plan to take better care of myself. I need to for me and my kids.

A few of the changes are:

1. I've given up coffee. (Actually it's coffee flavored milk but still....) no more caffeine at all. The weird thing is that now I have more energy. Can someone please explain that?

2. Lots of dietary changes including going pretty much vegetarian (except for sushi). I'm shopping the perimeter of the grocery store in fresh items only except for staples. I've never been big on processed foods but I've really cut them out now. Even tried quinoa for the first time. We made this dish yesterday and it was a big hit. Portobello burgers are a current favorite for everyone.

3. Started a vitamin regimen. I already had one for the girls but I'd left myself out mostly due to the expense. I have decided that I need them regardless of the expense and my repulsion of taking pills. Omega's, B-2, B-12, niacin, kelp, CoQ10 and magnesium in an effort to jump start my failing metabolism and for the energy boost. Click here to learn why you should be taking CoQ10. Kelp is here. You might know all this stuff but I was shocked.

4. Power walking 20 in the morning and 15 minutes in the evening.

5. Drinking 5 to 6 20 oz glasses of water daily.

6. Started drinking 4 oz of Essiac Tea daily to detox my system. It is mainly used to treat cancer homeopathically and I have several friends that are still living (many years later) from using Essiac Tea even though they had been sent home with hospice. I have taken it before for chronic constipati*n (like hospitalized for it and years on miral*x) and it cured my problem so I'm using it now as a detox. More about Essiac Tea here. I make it myself so that I know the quality and freshness cause it's a piece of cake and it's much cheaper than buying it pre-made. $20 makes about 4 gallons which lasts about 3 months. It's found here.

7. I've started taking Chant^x. Yes.... you heard me. My dirty, nasty, shameful secret is out there for all the world to see. *hanging head in shame* I smoke. (There's a saying that you're only as sick as your secrets so maybe I just got a bit healthier by admitting it.) I hate that I smoke. I hate the way it smells, hate that I'm a slave to them, just loathe the habit all together. It's nasty and disgusting. Don't hate it enough to go through the pain of quitting though. So I've resorted to chemical help. My quit day is next Tuesday. Just so y'all know....I quit before I got J. Then I got her.......and the stress went through the roof and I caved. Blech. Please pray, send energy, positive thoughts....whatever you believe in....send it my way. I could really use it. ♥ Planning on tweeting on the good, bad and ugly on quit day and after.

J had a pretty bad weekend. She was very pissed off that she didn't get to go to NYC this past weekend with G and you know that was all my fault so she showed me with her behavior. I had figured out that was the reason she was mad but since it was almost therapy day I left it to Kristy to address. Now she's not mad about that anymore but the time change is throwing things out of whack for the littles. I've noticed that the fact that I'm taking better care of myself is bizarre to the girls too. Yet I know I'm setting an example to do it for themselves when they are grown.

The Painful Truth

Forgive me for rambling. It seems my life has become very rambly and if I don't just throw it out there I'll lose my nerve to post. Apologies in advance for the heavy.

Sometimes I'm hanging by a thread or so it seems. One minute at a time, one second at a time.

Grief is a funny thing. Well not really. It's sneaky and cunning. One second I am fine and the next overwhelmed. I still feel no need to grieve G because I've really worked hard on processing it for years. I am grieving a relationship that happened eleven years ago and the bad decisions I made at that time. There was a casualty, figuratively speaking, and I was the one that held the knife. My behavior was reprehensible. Not sure why it has hit so ruthlessly now. I'm doing a lot of writing, processing, tapping and therapy regarding that time. Regrets. Too many to count. I've done quite a bit of work on my life over the years and thought I covered my regrets. That's what I get for thinking. Somewhere deep down I knew it was there but it was too painful to face it. My behavior during that time still makes me cringe every time I think of it. Another layer of the onion to peel away. Recovery is a process not an event, I suppose.

I think I'm right in the middle of a miracle and lordy it's hard when you're in the middle of it. I know the outcome will be a bright, shining rainbow and another layer of freedom and joy but dang, when you're right in the middle it's so painful.

Working with my girls has forced me to look at things differently. That's a good thing even if it hurts for now. Settling for less of myself would make me a very bad role model.

I wish I'd done things differently. I wish I didn't care. I wish, I wish, I wish. Daammmmmnnnn.

Knowing it will be worth every second of pain when I come out of the darkness.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." Mark Twain

Working on forgiving myself. Working on letting go of the past and the future. Letting go of the outcome. Grieving what I thought my life would be. It's all going to be OK.




I've written it all down extensively and put it in my God Can. It's not mine anymore. Every time I think of it I'm writing it down and putting it in the can. So far there's been 10 more additions.

Things are very calm now with G. I'm keeping my side of the street clean and setting up clear boundaries. I'm moving forward and reclaiming my life.

Overwhelmed

Truly I am overwhelmed by all the birthday wishes. They brought tears of joy and really touched my heart. Y'all made me feel so special and loved. Thank you all so much.

Dia, thank you so much too. You are such a thoughtful, special friend, very dear to my heart and I am so grateful for you. Knowing you are always just a phone call away is a true comfort.

It has been such a great day. A sitter was arranged and I spent it with my BFF, Connie. Fabulous lunch, a wee bit of shopping and ended watching Valentine's Day.

I'm expecting great things this year. So glad all of you will be along for the ride. It may not always be pretty but I promise it will be real.

XOXOX

***A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT***

Did you know that today is

Lisa's birthday???!!!

She is taking a little time to enjoy her day and won't be back for a good part of the day so I hijacked her blog. I want her to remember how important she is to so many of us and I thought it might be nice if we surprised her with our birthday greetings when she check in tonight. Personally, she has been a life-line for me on this rollercoaster journey of parenting children with RAD, PTSD, ODD, etc. and I know that I have her to thank for many of the strategies that have made a world of difference for my kids and for my own sanity! So come on over and leave her a little birthday love if you wish! Thanks, Dia @ Rancho Chico.

Self-Care

Several have asked/mentioned what I'm doing to take care of myself. It turns out to be quite a lot. These are in no particular order....

1. Reiki at least once a day and twice a week I go to get Reiki from someone else.

2. I'm doing a lot of reading.

3. Losing myself in music. I love music and it can really transport me to a different mood.

4. Singing at the top of my lungs and doing the crazy dancing around the living room. Neither of which are very pretty but I'm OK with that. :D

5. Having quality time with Jordan without the crazy.

6. Quiet times alone at least 3 times a day. Even if it's 5 minute increments.

7. Salt/soda baths occasionally.

8. Extra long gratitude lists.

9. Therapy

10. Phone conversations with really good friends.

11. Daily meditation

Truly I'm not grieving. As hard as that might be to understand I think I've grieved for so long that it no longer feels necessary. The only thing that has changed is what we call it. We called it a relationship, when in fact, it was just a friendship. We're just calling it what it is. We'll remain friends. Well...I'm doing my part at least.

Pathetic Update

Weekend visitations are working out pretty well. She was a little shaky when she came home Sunday but she figured out the problem and re-grouped quickly. He wanted to keep her again that night but one night was enough and she needed to come home. G is holding her routines so that is really helping her feel safe enough to go.

It snowed today and I got stuck on a hill trying to get to therapy. Note to self....next time be sure and get 4 wheel or AWD. G picked up J to take her to see more snow and she ended up spending the night at the lake. There's a lot more snow up there so she'll have a blast. Make up therapy at 10 tomorrow. Hoping we can get there since it's going to freeze over tonight.

Recipe

Refried Beans

I've heard several of you speak of fear of the dried beans. I've broken down the how-to to give you a no-fail recipe. I'm a refried bean snob and won't even think of buying that canned stuff so see if you enjoy these as much as we do.

2-lb bag of dried pinto beans
2 cloves of garlic minced
1 large onion diced
2 jalapenos roughly chopped (seeds too)
Salt and pepper to taste

Soak dried beans in water at least 12 hours. (I soak mine on the counter not the fridge.) After soaking rinse and make sure there aren't any questionable beans (or rocks).

Pour beans into a crock pot. Cover with water until the beans are submerged by about an inch of water. Cook on low all day (8 hours?). (Do not season!!!!!) If you season now the beans will remain hard and inedible.

In the last hour season move the temp up to high then add salt, pepper and jalapenos (don't worry they will not be too spicy). Saute the onion and garlic in olive oil and add to beans. I usually use habanero peppers because I like the heat and so do the girls.

After they have cooked for another hour use a submersible blender, potato masher or blender till smooth (unless you like chunky beans).

We use these for a lot of things but our favorite is have bean burritos. I use whole wheat tortillas, sprinkled with cheese, homemade pico de gallo, sour cream and guacamole. We freeze the leftovers in z iplock bags pressed flat.

Pico de gallo
1 large tomato diced
1/2 onion diced
1 T fresh cilantro
salt to taste
juice of 1/2 a lime

Guacamole
2 avocados
2 T fresh cilantro
juice of 2 limes
couple of dashes of hot pepper sauce
salt

Sidenote: I'm so grateful for all of you. Starting to pull myself out of the hole. I've even started (baby steps) on commenting again. *gasp*

Faking It till I Make It

Things are pretty tough on the other blog so I'm trying to fake it here.

Last week G took J skiing again and now she's catching air! Doing the trick slopes and managing 3 - 5 ft in the air. Totally impressed with her. She's doing amazingly well and trying her very best to pick me up. It was G's weekend so he took her to the lake and she did really well there too.

A shopping trip was required today for new shoes since all have been outgrown. 6 1/2ladies! I'm still in shock. So long cute kid shoes.

I have put both girls on 1500 mg of niacin after reading and talking to Christine and Dia. Increased omega's too.

After about 4 days I started noticing a difference.

During the above mentioned shopping trip I purchased wi-fi blu-ray player. (Thanks Cindy) Purchased so that I could download instant net f li x educational documentaries for J to watch. Many hours of frustration later I discovered that unfortunately ancient TV's and blu-ray's don't get along so well. Now it looks like I'm getting another TV.

Thanks for hanging with me till I get my crap together. I've been a horrible bloggy friend. My sincere apologies. I just don't have much positive to say these days and I'm trying to keep it to myself.

Still Here

I'm still here. Muddling through. J is doing amazingly well.

A bunch of you have called, emailed or commented and I'm truly grateful. Socialwkr24/7 put it best when she said, "it's hard to be a person isn't it." Some days it really is.

The award was so sweet. Boy. Soooooo not feeling like a ray of sunshine lately.

Feeling woefully inadequate for this job.

Trying to do things to fill me up.

Please think of Claudia. I'm really worried about her and have been obsessively checking her blog & Kari's.

Tour of Home

Shanti, you can't tell by this picture (cause all the "stuff" was put away) but this is where most of the home schooling occurs:

See the chair to the left of the fireplace??? That's where I sit when I'm commenting and reading all the fabulous blogs.

Just from looking around does it appear that I am graffiti artist? FYI: Everything is super tidy in these pics because it was a big clean up weekend. Yes, I realize that I live in a very beige house. At the time I built it I thought I was going to sell it upon completion. Haven't gotten around to adding color to the walls except in J's bedroom. Not so crazy about painting with 14' and 20' ceilings. (high ceilings=bad decision) But I digress.....

Over the years with RAD there has been considerable property destruction. I've rolled with the punches and moved on but not without harboring some resentment. Seriously...I've worked hard for the things I have and most of my furniture was left to me by grandparents, great-aunts and other family members so there is a lot of sentimental value as well. Yet my kids are my kids. Huge difference. So when a little person decorated her desk I decided to "help" her. Insert Christine in my head. She's spinning around, hitting replay every few minutes. I hate that about her. ;) Then I pulled her straight out of this April 10, 2009 post. While J was in the shower I pulled out all my sharpie's and went to town. Her eyes became as big as saucers. No comments though. I think she was speechless. Then the next day she was downstairs cleaning the bathroom and I let my sharpie fly along with some crayons for good measure. Eyes even bigger. Hee. hee. You can't tell from the pics below but it is "decorated" on every single side. Nothing was left untouched.

I honestly cannot tell you how freeing this action was. I was gleeful down to the tips of my toes. Glowing even. A rush that was unbelievable. I am not being facetious or sarcastic in any way, shape or form. I "let go" of the stuff and embraced my kid.

She knows that I take care of things and am very responsible with them, therefore she knows it's a hot button for me. It's usually her first line of defense. I took it out of the equation. AND....I feel better about myself and my kid is healing.

Pretty soon I'm expecting to be decorating walls too. That should be tons of fun. My paint cans are ready and waiting.

Now scroll back up to the top and you'll notice something sneakily suspicious on her desk. :) It appears that her dolls are now using the desk as a bed. With Essie's blanket as their bedspread.
Wonder what that's about? *wink wink*

I spent last night downloading all of Christine's videos onto my ip*d. Sometimes you just got to take her on the road with you. So now she's a part of my "Rescue Lisa Package" that travels where ever I go.

The S o u thern Living Graffiti Artist.

Are You Ready For The Big News????

So......

















Are you ready????















To hear the big news?????????













Drum roll please............














Ta Da!!!!!! I am updating my home study.

Again.







Somehow I'm sure that no one fainted about this news. Probably no one is even surprised.

Last Friday night I read Claudia's post. And I blubbered.

Then I read Bart's post. And I blubbered some more.

Going back to look at my list on AdoptUSkids.org I discovered that Liz had aged out and I turned into a huge puddle on the floor. Sleep did not come easy Friday night. I left a message for Emily at All God's Children. We talked Saturday morning and things started happening.

When I first decided to adopt domestically I was drawn to adopt teens. It didn't work out that way and I have no idea why except that I was supposed to parent J and K. I thought I was done but it looks like there is going to be even more estrogen around here. God help us all. Talking with Kristy (AT) made me feel much better and she thinks it's a great idea and a great fit (specifically because it's a vast difference in ages) in our family.

I'm specifically looking at girls, hopefully in Georgia, that are 16 or older and taking a Yondalla's Allegory approach. We'll see what happens.....

Stay tuned.....

How NOT To Parent a RAD Kid

Most days I can do therapeutic parenting. The post below was not describing one of those days.





Tuesday morning J needed to take a shower before we left to go to Betsy's and later to therapy. She didn't want to take a shower.

Did I let the chips fall where they may and let natural consequences follow. Nope. Did I step in and try to help her regulate. Nada. Did I try to talk with her about the "big feeling" that made her not want to take a shower. No way.

I stepped onto my high horse and got into a control battle. Ugh. I know better. Now she was rolling her eyes, throwing some stink bomb looks my way, stomped around the house and finally dramatically threw herself on her bed. She was done. No way she was going to take a bath. She had drawn a line in the sand. Did I let it go? Silly people....no way.

An argument ensued. Not a pretty argument. No yelling but an argument nonetheless.

Why? Because it was my stuff. I did not want J to leave the house dirty because it was a reflection on me and my parenting. Now picture me.....I am banging my head against the wall. Idiot. Imbecile. What was I thinking?!?!?!?!

I put myself into a timeout. I needed it. Serious talk with myself to get a grip Lisa. 5 minutes later I was able to go in and be the parent she needed me to be. She became calm and regulated. More talking about the feelings and an apology for not doing the right thing the first time. The thing that I knew worked. Apologies from her for the disrespect. Hugs and all was right with the world.





Then she took a shower with no problem. Shower, hair washed, dried and dressed cute as a button in 15 minutes.

Hugging the unhugable. Loving the unlovable. Taking the time to do the right thing and making the choice to do it. Control battles never work. Keep my eye on the prize. Keep my stuff out of the mix. Stay connected. All of these things need to be tattooed on my body.





Remembering there was a time I had to put vi*ks salve under my nose. Gratefully those days are long gone.





In case you were early to the game yesterday I added a link to Dia por Dia. Click here.

Hooking You Up - Edited

There's some really great stuff going around right now and I have to share. If you parent RAD kids you must click on these links. It is must read information and put so much better than I ever could.

First off go visit LDW by clicking here. Really cool stuff about Denise Best therapeutic parenting seminar. Waiting on a call back from Denise to get the book myself. Cannot wait.
Update: Laynie posted more. Click here.

Then go see Christine by clicking here. More information on the seminar in Christine Language. Hilarious and insightful.

And last, but by no means least, check out J at Stellar Parenting by clicking here. She did an excellent post on watching for cues and how to get a kid to regulate. This morning I spotted a post I missed (have no idea how) on Paradigm. To check it out click here. BC info. Great stuff.

While I was typing this, Brenda did an excellent post on The Unattached Parent. You can click here.

I just met Kerrie this week. She de-lurked, thank goodness, and again, I'm learning even more. This is something I think I really need to look into with K. Click here to learn about vision therapy and how our kids process their world is so important.

UPDATE: Dia por Dia's post today was excellent. Click here.

I learn so much from all of you ladies. Thanks for teaching me, holding my hand and holding me up. You guys rock!

Just a FYI I don't go to the trouble of hyperlinking for decoration nor for the joy it brings me *cough* to create the links. :)

Liz Update: I talked with a worker in Kansas this morning! While I was typing this post. Yay! She has promised to find Elizabeth some how - some way and to speak with her personally. She asked me to give her till next week to get back with me. Yippee skip!!!!!!

Interesting Stuff - Updated

My friend, L, posted about a training with Denise Best that she and Christine went to on Friday. It was so interesting and I immediately had to give the test to both my girls. Both of them were able to do the belly test but K had trouble moving her eyes to the right on the finger test. Hmmmm......

Wondering does anyone read my blog from Kansas? In 2007 I made several inquiries about a girl named Elizabeth (Liz). She was almost 16 then and she wanted a family. I sent my study several times, filled out paperwork that was sent to me and never heard anything back. I assumed that we were not chosen for her and they had found her a family. Friday night I found out that she aged out of the system without ever having have someone claim her. It just about broke my heart. I would really like to find her. If nothing else to let her know that there was a family that wanted her and that tried their very best to be her family. To show up, to be a touch stone, to have someone to count on. I tried sending an email to her worker and leaving a message on her voicemail. Email was returned and the voicemail didn't work.

If anyone has any connections in DCFS in Kansas please email me. lisaamos@payco.org Please. I'm begging shamelessly. If anyone would link this or put out requests on their blogs I would be so eternally grateful. The more people that read about her the greater the chance that I may find her or someone to talk to in Kansas. Praying so anyway....

There's a possibility that I may have some other pretty big news soon. Stay tuned....

Update: I have found a contact person in Kansas. Waiting on a call back.

Help

Can anyone tell me of a really good internet blocker for kids? Have a friend with a teenager getting on inappropriate sites as well as, my sp ace, etc. I've spotted several but looking to all of you to give me expert advice that has your stamp of approval.

Thanks bunches!