Monday, May 7, 2012
Communicating Sparkly Bits
Parenting any kid, but especially a kid from trauma, our postural communication is so important. Absolutely, your facial expressions and regulated voice is so important but 80 to 93% of all our communications are postural. Changing postural habits is just important as changing our verbal communication.
Before J came home I listened to Deborah Hage's CD, Parenting With Pizzazz. Actually since that time I've probably listened to it over 30 times in the last 6.5 years. It's a gem of a CD. Unfortunately it's not available anymore or at least not anywhere that I can find it. She also has a book, Therapeutic Parenting - It's a Matter of Attitude.
Deborah is a mother that parents trauma and also a therapist. Her delivery is rich, funny and engaging. The most memorable line in the CD is, "You can't bond with a bitch." Some of the wisest words that I've heard. I have to remind myself daily.
I have to remind myself of this over and over and over. Sometimes on a minute by minute basis. I also have to remind my face that I'm happy. After living in stress mode for several years I think I've developed a permanent frown. It's not from being unhappy - it's from waiting on the other shoe to drop. We start living in stress and we're always preparing ourselves for the next therapeutic parenting move we've got to make or be ready to head off the next tantrum, etc. It's easy for our faces to become stuck.
Enter my brilliant friend, Mary, who turned me on to Amanda Gore last week. Oh my goodness this is good stuff! That she is so comical just makes it even better. I had never heard of her but as a mom parenting a kid in hard places, this video is priceless. Every time I watch it I hear Deborah Hage in my head too.
So watch, enjoy and turn on your sparkly bits. It will make this therapeutic parenting stuff much easier.
Here's another one on how to show someone you love them. Again, priceless.... Watch then go "zoot zoot on your kid.
One more and I'll shut up. I'm going to be watching for Ta Da's in J's life. Starting tomorrow I will be parenting with pizzazz and enthusiastic about the little things.
The World Tapping Summit (free) starts tonight. Click here for the link.
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4 comments:
I've met Deboarh. Had her in our home (and Nancy Thomas) and worked extensively with both..more so with Deborah.
I've hugged Deborah and had her hold me up when I thought I could not go on anymore.
I've talked to her on the phone several hours on end in tears of desparation during C's hospitalizations. I've had her blessing way before we ever ended up disrupting reminding me in a gentle manner that what she told us over and over.
And it wasn't that many Mother's Day ago..she sent me a prized necklace. With a card that was lost in a move...one that was framed and treasured dearly.
Her gentle and loving soul are so incredible heartwarming. We all need a little "Deborah" in our lives.
Lisa, I have been struggling with my own eldest daughter, who is bio kid, who is neuro-typical, who is well-bonded, blah blah blah. And who is so demeaning to me, and rude, and hostile--and she's only 11! I know it is just she is mired in self-focus, like her mom! But I am SO STRUGGLING with parenting her wisely, and the hardest part is not knowing what it even looks like to parent her well. I react to her negativity with my own, I scold and lecture and find myself withdrawing love because she is not respecting or loving me. (because, yes, apparently my parenting is all about me. working on that too!)
So I find it FASCINATING that you moms who blog about bonding with your "harder" kids have been the #1 source of my learning and heart conviction these days. I absolutely love it when you share such stuff, because I think it perfectly aligns with the idea of parenting with grace, which I don't know how to do. It is applicable to ALL children, not just children from the hard places. I find myself thinking about ideas you all have written about in the car, when I'm falling asleep--and think God is using you all to grow and challenge me to the kind of whole-hearted loving He wants of me.
The first bit I needed to hear--which of course I knew but seeing it in print somehow makes it hit home--is that you can't bond with a bitch. Now, isn't it telling that my first thought was what a bitch our children can be to bond with. ; ) And then it hit me, ohhhhhhhh, I'm the bitch, and it's hard for my daughter to bond with meeeeeeeee.
As the Bible would say about it: parents, don't exasperate your children. Because then they won't be able to honor you, as they know they should. (my paraphrase)
I really enjoyed all the videos. And I love how Amanda makes her listeners do all sorts of silly stuff--because she is really helping us practice giving over our pride, and being a fool for love (which is another thing the Bible tells Christians to do, btw).
Loads of good stuff. I'm going to be trying the wipe and flick today when my girl throws her stuff on me!
Love you AND your sparkly bits!!!!!
I so loved every bit of this...and needed it today. Love you.
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