Embrace the RAD

This was originally posted on February 21, 2011.

Last week I did something I NEVER thought I'd do.  I embraced RAD.  Before you haul out and clobber me hear me out.  Pretty please.  I'm going to muddle through and try to splain myself.  If something doesn't make sense please let me know.

During therapy and all the explaining of attachment cycles (as in previous post), Kristy has been actively telling J's RAD brain that we appreciate it coming and protecting her when she was little.  BECAUSE if she didn't have RAD she would certainly be dead by now. There is no doubt about it.  It served a purpose to keep her alive and it worked.  BUT...that she could tell her RAD brain that it could take a little rest "if it wanted to" because now she had a mom that could handle it and protect her.  Our homework for the past few weeks was to daily tell her RAD brain how much we appreciated it coming to protect her when she needed it the most.

OK...so y'all know about pink love right? ("Pouring" love in J by touching foreheads and humming sounds as it goes in.)  The color of her love is pink so that's why we call it by the color.  After every therapy session I "pour" pink love in her head.  I also give some to Little J.  Little J is the part of her that was so hurt when she was so young.  Little J needs love too.  No one was there for her.  No one saved her.  It was just one more trauma after another raining down on her.  Little J's love color is pink also.  Last week I had the stellar idea to ask her if RAD needed some love too.  She closed her eyes and asked RAD if it wanted love.  IT DID!  So then I told her to ask RAD what color it's love was.  She closed her eyes then said it was red.  Imagine that!  So then I told her I was going to give her some red love just for RAD and asked her if she would give it to "him." (she says her RAD brain is a boy).  I proceeded to pour red love into J's forehead that she was supposed to just give to RAD. 

I have been giving RAD red love every day whenever we do J's and Little J's pink love.  We have had 8 glorious days.  Like over-the-top, unbelievable, can't-believe-life-is-this-good, better-than-NT, is-this-really-my-kid days!!!  Freakily so because there hasn't even been a tiny little blip on the radar. 

Now you know the blog curses are going to get me.  I don't care.

Kristy and I always have a little 5 minute wrap up session without J after therapy.  Kristy was very proud that I thought to do this and also explained it as "embracing all of her".  Just like I have so many different parts of myself and have to accept all of those parts, the good and bad, to be a whole and healthy person, so should I embrace all of J.  Let me tell you that it is HARD to tell RAD that you love it.  BUT.....by envisioning RAD as what kept her alive and helped her survive during all the trauma I can indeed embrace it.  I do NOT focus on what it's like to live with RAD or the behaviors.  Only on the fact that RAD helped my daughter survive until she came home.  For that I am grateful and I can genuinely give RAD love for protecting my child. 

So I am consciously remembering that I am so appreciative of the people in my life that ACCEPT me and LOVE me.  All of me.  The good and the bad.  It's very freeing for someone to give me this acceptance.  Why should RAD be any different?  Don't we all want to be accepted unconditionally exactly where we are right now?  Am I not grateful for the people that protected me when I was a baby?  RAD was the only "person" that protected and "saved" her from volumes of abuse.  Shouldn't I be grateful for that?  Plus I have found that the more accepting I am of myself and others the more willing they are to reciprocate.

So I've forgiven RAD and am honoring and embracing it because it saved my daughter's LIFE and I've found a way to be grateful for it.  For today anyway I am embracing RAD.  With love.

Now you can clobber me.  Respectful clobbering will be published.  Mean clobbering.....probably not. :)

The quote of the day is from an anonymous friend.  We were emailing back and forth the other day and she made some profound statements.

"We have had struggles with our daughter since she was about 2 years old (adopted at birth), and I’ve just finally reached the point of being willing to call it attachment.  Therapeutic parenting works wonders with her, and ‘typical’ discipline is a flop!"

I get the being willing to call it attachment.....being willing to call it RAD.  It's tremendously frightening to admit and define what you're living in. Truthfully, I don't give a flying cow patty what you call it.... just do the right things so that the problem will get better.  Do the right thing so the child can heal.  

Just do it.