Feeling Claimed

It is blatantly obvious that J feels more "claimed" since the commitment ceremony.  She has a comfort level in our family environment that I have not seen before.  I hear her saying more "we" statements rather than "I" statements.  As in we're a team and she "feels" it on a very deep level.  How I wish we had done this sooner!  She laughs at herself more rather than feeling embarrassed.  She is laughing more period.  Appropriate, "I am delirously happy," laughter.  She is trying new things that before she wouldn't attempt for fear of failure.  She is sleeping better and her previous heightened startle response is almost nonexistent. 

It has been very interesting and informative to watch the difference.  Yes, I "knew" that I claimed her but on some level she didn't feel like I really meant it.  Even after 5 years of being home.  Now she feels safe and loved to her very core.  You can see the changes on her face AND in her actions.  Her breathing is even more steady.  She can hear better because she's not trapped in her amygdala wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.  She is more relaxed.  Things that used to frustrate her to no end is now a piece of cake for her.   She will readily admit when she has made a mistake and moves through it rather than feeling she has to be perfect. She feels safe. 

I am so glad that our anniversary will not be anywhere close to her traumaversary.  By family vote we have decided that from now on we're not going to celebrate the adoption date and instead celebrate our commitment day.  My gift to her was a music box that covers 4 of the 5 senses.  Another stellar idea from the keepers of wonderful ideas. It has a picture of us inside, peppermint essential oil (our favorite) dropped inside and it plays, "My Girl".  She keeps it very close to her and you can see her face light up every time she reads the engraving and hears the music. 

J gave me this beautiful angel.  Yes.... I was a puddle.  Not that I, in any way, think I'm the miracle in her life but that she is mine.  She has changed, touched and moved me in ways that I didn't think possible.  However, I was very touched that she was so very thoughtful. 

Garth Brooks, "You Move Me" speaks volumes of our journey.  Here are the lyrics:

This is how it seems to me

Life is only therapy

Real expensive

And no guarantee

So I lie here on the couch

With my heart hanging out

Frozen solid with fear

Like a rock in the ground

But you move me

You give me courage I didn’t

know I had

You move me on

I can’t go with you

And stay where I am

So you move me on

This is how love was to me

I could look and not see

Going through the emotions

Not knowin’ what they mean

And it scared me so much

That I just wouldn’t budge

I might have stayed there forever

If not for your touch

Oh but you move me

Out of myself and into the fire

You move me

Now I’m burning with love

And with hope and desire

How you move me

You go whistling in the dark

Making light of it

Making light of it

And I follow with my heart

Laughing all the way

Oh ‘cause you move me

You get me dancing and you

make me sing

You move me

Now I’m taking delight

In every little thing

How you move me

This mama's heart is singing. ♥