Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I Am Enough?
The theme for Orlando this year is "I am enough." It sounds really great and I would love to believe it but I question myself all the time.
Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? What am I missing? Am I too strict? Am I too lenient?
What if it's not enough? Do I show her enough love? Do I show her enough attention? Do I show it too much? What if she would be better off in public school? Is she getting enough interaction with her peers? What if I send her to school and she can't handle it then she'll feel like a failure? Does she have enough structure? Does she have too much structure? Does my voice convey love? Do I honor her? What could I be doing better? What should I let go? What should I stand firm on? Am I giving her enough fun time? Am I giving her too much? If I show her too much will she still be able to be a responsible adult?
What if all I've done is give her a reason to be in therapy for her whole adult life? You know like S*ndra Bull*ck says at the end of "Hope Floats". "
Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome."
Then I hear my mother in my head. When I was a teenager she told me a story about a day when I was an infant and I was inconsolable. Evidently I wouldn't stop crying. My mother is a perfectionist (the apple does not fall far from the tree) so she had read all the books before she had me and was in the process of reading Dr. Sp*ck when the phone rang. Oh Lord, help me now. .... we all know that Sp*ck was bad.
So in the midst of having a crying newborn a neighbor and co-worker called to check on the two of us. Eugenia could hear me (of course) crying in the background. And my mother was crying because she didn't know what to do. Eugenia calmly said, "Put down the book and pick up the baby." So mama did and lo and behold it worked. Imagine that.
So for tonight, I'm putting down the book (and the worries) and picking up the baby (tween) and loving on her.
I am not a perfect mom but I am the perfect mom for my daughter.
Life has gotten in the way of some moms that really wanted to be in Orlando. That means a couple of spots are available but not for long. Check out ETAAM if you think you might want to come. If you are parenting or have parented trauma, it is the place for you.
Home a Soft Place to Fall said it best:
What an insanely safe and loving place...right.here. with you all.
Beyond religion, beyond color, beyond alcohol, choclolate even meat, beyond countries, sexual preference, beyond relationship status, make up, accents, extroverts or introverts, bio hurt kids or adopted, beyond weight, runners, walkers and cheer leaders, beyond heels or pajamas pants...we connect. I AM SO PROUD OF US AS WOMEN. This is how women are meant to be. I am overwhelmed at how kick ass this thread is, how magical Orlando is because of exactly this...
Btw, shook in my boots last year, tried to back out...cried the first plane ride, ugly cried, when you are hurt and rejected every day it begins to feel normal...I was afraid to feel good and then how much I would miss it when I did, that my life was too hard and too much to share....because I am damaged by the trauma too.
I WILL get overly shy, I will get tongue tied, I will hide or cocoon when I feel overwhelmed...I will forget everyones names...not because I don't know you, love you, or remember your story, but because I am dyslexic and suck at names...but probably could tell you what you were wearing the first time I met you...I am afraid in my quietness, or need to be in smaller groups I wont meet everyone, know that I want to meet you...or see you again...
I LOVE the gentleness of this group, no one go anywhere...its only gonna get better.