Monday, January 24, 2011

Fear of Blogging

As many of you have probably heard through the blog land grapevine, I've been through a really rough time lately. That is true. I have been. You have no idea how much your love and support has meant to me during this time, too.


I realize most of you don't know what happened or why I've been gone for so long. For about a million reasons, I'm not ready to share my whole story yet. I'm not ready to share most of it, actually. What I will share, though, is that K is no longer living with us. It's just J & I now. Please believe me when I tell you that the things we've been through in connection with this have been the HARDEST thing I've ever had to deal with. Be patient and gentle with me. I'm still very fragile and I'm still trying to work through all the ins and outs of it myself. I'll eventually share more details as I'm ready and able, but for now, I just wanted you all to know that much. I won't be answering any questions at this time regarding the hows or whys of what all has happened, so please don't ask. My heart is still broken and the grief is still overwhelming and at times paralyzing.  (Yes...I am rubbing, tapping, etc.)  I can't blog about what I haven't processed.  The pain is too raw right now and honestly is like a physical pain.  However, I can't stay away from blogging any longer. I miss all of you too much! I need this community! We need each other. So even though I'm terrified to put even this much information "out there", I'm facing my fears and doing it anyway.   Eventually I'm going to pull myself out of this deep, dark hole.

J was really abused by K.  She's had a really hard time too.  Thankfully she's doing much better now and she's trying really hard to help me.  I'm so grateful for her and proud for the sweet, kind person she's become.

I'm trying to get back to commenting on everyone's blogs.  Slowly but surely I am getting there.

She spent the night with Papa and Monya this weekend.  My Mom called this morning to tell me how wonderful she was and what a joy it was to have her and spend time with her.  (This has not been the case in the past.) This is two weekends in a row and even when she has come home she has been able to still be a joy instead of blowing out because she had too much fun.  We've been working toward this for a really long time so this is a huge event.  My Mom also said that people around them in church stopped them to comment on what a little lady she is.  They are correct!

She was very tired last night, as she always is when she spends the night away from home, but she was able to say that she was tired and asked to go to bed early.  She was asleep at 6 PM and slept until 8 this morning.  A late start to school but that's OK.

Thank you so much, Diana, for all of your help and encouragement.

28 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I'm so sorry Lisa. As someone who works heavily with adopted kids and their families, I totally understand that situations change, and there are things people just weren't aware of.

Diana said...

I love you and I'm so very proud of you! You are a rock star!! :-)

I've got your back and will keep all the meanies away. I'm pretty sure there are more that a few others who will help me do that, too. So meanies, listen up. Don't mess with Lisa. If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all...or you'll be dealing with me!

Lee said...

I knew something hard must have happened. I can't imagine anyone ever being horrible to you--you share so much fantastic info and you are IMHO a totally rocking parent. Hugs and hopes for healing for you and J

:)De said...

I love you so much and I am so glad you are back. I was telling someone that I so wish I had known about this community back 15 years ago when I brought my oldest home. It is such a lifeline.

Peace

motherissues said...

Love you, Lisa. I'm so glad you're back and able to blog again.

Sarah said...

I am so sorry to hear things have been hard. Be nice to yourself. Take care of yourself. And *major kudos* to you, and J. for getting to a place where she can spend the weekend away and have fun. That's HUGE! Congratulations!

Kristin said...

You let me know if there's someone that needs a good swift kick in the ovaries. It's rodeo time in Houston, and I got my boots out and polished.

But, honestly, honey. I send you hugs and support and love. You are such a valuable resource to the whole community. You.Were.Missed.

roztime said...

Lots of love to you - even from 'knowing' you a short while, you are intelligent, respectful, loving, and kind. Losing K was/is immensely difficult, but trust yourself. Looks like a lot of people here love you a lot; I hope you can absorb as much as possible. Big Canadian (cold!) hugs to you,
-Roz

GB's Mom said...

Welcome back. Your strength is under all that pain. BTDT, a long, long time ago. Praying for you both.

J. said...

amen to you to sista, I sure have your back, we'll squish the trolls together.

Anne said...

Oh, I'm so sorry, Lisa. But I'm happy you're back. I hope you know you've got a TON of support in the blogosphere :)

Nicky said...

I have been following your blog for a while now but don't often comment. You are a fantastic mother, keep on doing what you are doing, you and J will heal. My thoughts are with you.

Ashley said...

Love you, love you love you Lisa- Welcome back.

Annie said...

I wanted to cry when I saw your comment on my blog. I have been so worried about you! And I missed you, too.

Krista said...

So glad you are back....many hugs. xxx

matryoshka said...

Love from Maine...

Lynne said...

I love you, Friend. :)

Mama Drama Times Two said...

Missed you bunches and glad you are back. J's progress is just amazing and reflective of the love and caring you have for her.

PAM said...

I am so sorry to hear about your pain, Lisa. Sending love, hugs and prayers your way.

xox

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

Lots of love and {{{hugs}}}

Crayon said...

I certainly missed you. So happy you are back. Take all the time you need!

QueenB said...

Glad you are back, and I pray for your continued strength, and healing.

marythemom said...

Welcome back!! I was so excited to see you commenting again! You have been greatly missed and I know there are a lot of us who have been thinking and praying about you. Please let me know if there is any way I can help you!

Hugs, prayers and squeaks from Mary in TX

BT said...

I was very worried by your long silence, so it was a relief when you resumed your blog. I am really sorry that things with K haven't gone differently. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling about that whole evolution, on so many fronts and from so many angles. I still keep K in my thoughts, along with you and J. And, yes, J is growing into quite the poised and lovely young lady. Kudos to you both for that.

Tenntrace said...

Dear Lisa, (1) How dare anyone be mean to you about any decision you need to make for you and your family (including K)! You did what had to be done for everyone, and not without lots of hard work, pain, and thought put into your decisions. (2) I'm glad you're back, even though you don't have a clue who I am. (3) I'm glad you and J are rediscovering balance. Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

You're back!!! I'm so glad, you have been missed. Sorry to hear about K, I can't imagine the pain and sorrow you are feeling. Happy to hear J is making progess. Look forward to reading more. Kaje xx

Blessed said...

I was upset when you pulled your blogs, because you did so at such a scary, traumatic time, and I was so concerned for you! You dont know me from Eve, but I had discovered your blog through another RAD blog I read, and read everything you had posted, it was so compelling and heart-wrenching. I have been praying for you and J and K. I was SO EXCITED to find you are back! I am so sorry to hear K is no longer with you, because you are an amazing mom with so much courage and fortitude. I will keep praying for her! And for you, grieving Mom, and for J, hurting sister.

Thank you for coming back, and for sharing all the things you have learned--it is so helpful to so many families! And hopefully it will continue to be cathardic for you and J too.

robyncalgary said...

you dont need to post this, but i just wanted to sincerely apologize for emailing you asking unknowingly callous questions about k and her blog. i think youre an amazing woman and mother doing incredible things with j through sheer commitment and love for her. im sorry.

:) i wont comment again til i get through the next entries, err i put my foot in my mouth again :P lol