I am a smudger

Where to begin....

Friday J had a great day in school! Yippee! I have been told by 3 different people that I needed to smudge my house, myself & J. What the heck is smudging???? Was told to use copal instead of sage and be sure to get behind doors, inside closets and drawers. So my friend Chris gave me enough to get started and Saturday morning we had a smudging ceremony. "God please take away all the negative energy and leave us with a house of peace." J loved it and had the best time. She helped show me where all the negative energy was hiding!

We left early to go to the lake and J swam all day and had a blast! She learned to dive and swim underwater (without holding her nose)! It was a big day. JJ and AJ (friends of G) arrived by boat around 4:30. I sent J up to the house to see if Daddy G was there yet and if so, to tell him that JJ & AJ were there. He was but wouldn't come down to the dock. Trying to be polite (note to self: don't do that again!) I invited AJ & JJ to come up. Invitation accepted. Keep in mind that AJ is very loud and add some alcohol and it's totally out of hand. G is naturally loud too a lot of the time.

G was cooking (big gasp here) dinner when we got up to the house. I started J on her bath noticing that things were loud in the kitchen but didn't pay it a lot of attention. Passing through the kitchen offering to help AJ had taken over my kitchen and was cooking dinner and I was told to get out. Not a good sign. Where's a taser when you need one???? Gracefully excused myself and I started getting cleaned up for dinner. G came in and said J was screaming for me. Running in the bathroom expecting disaster and finding that J just wanted to get out of the tub. Bad mama did not see the signs of distress. Totally missed it in the chaos. Gave her 5 more minutes to soak as she was doing a sea salt soak. Went back in a few minutes and got her out and started her drying her hair. This was my attempt to keep her out of the chaos for a few more minutes hoping against hope that JJ & AJ would leave. No such luck.

Dinner ready and instead of leaving JJ & AJ wait for us to finish. See the clouds going across J's face since the chaos is sitting behind her. J decides she's not hungry. Huge sign of distress. My child is ALWAYS hungry. Finally JJ & AJ decide to leave and G walks them down to the dock. He's gone for over 1 1/2 hours talking to them at the dock. Also keep in mind that Daddy G only sees J (by his choice) Saturday evening (J goes to bed at 7) and Sunday until 3:30 or 4 when we leave to come home. They have a tradition of laying on the couch reading stories, playing games and other fun stuff before bedtime. So J is waiting patiently for the couple of hours that is precious to her with her Daddy G and he's blowing her off (in her mind). G calls up and says he's going on a boat ride with JJ & AJ. Well....I am not going to deliver this news to J so I politely say that we're going to go on home but to go ahead and have a great time. Big huff! "Fine! I won't go! I'm coming up!" Well... that is code for "I'm coming up but you're going to pay cause I'm going to be in a crappy mood so we'll all be miserable." NOT going to happen.

By the time he came up we had the car packed and very kindly said thanks for letting us swim & for dinner and then we split. When we got in the car J let out a heavy sigh. I asked her how she was feeling. She said, "thanks for letting us go home Mom. I really want to sleep in my bed tonight because that was really scary." Me, "what was scary honey?" J, "Those people were really scary and I was really scared of them last week too." (They came by after the fireworks last weekend.) Next was, "why didn't Daddy G not want to see me?" I tried to be honest but w/o making G look bad. Wasn't easy at this point. I understand he wants to see JJ & AJ. I totally get that! Yet he sees them 4 or 5 times a week and J only a 24 hour period and she's sleeping for 12 of those hours! On the good side I am so proud of her to be able to tell me what she was feeling instead of throwing a fit and to know that going home to sleep in her bed would make it all better. Very HUGE! She was really down but we were able to talk through all her feelings. I asked her what would it take to make her feel better and she said that Daddy G needed to apologize to her and she didn't want to go there for 2 weeks and to go to my lakehouse instead. Very cool again! Right before I put her to bed she said, "Mom, we need to smudge the lakehouse and Daddy G too." That child amazes me sometimes with her astuteness. You said it sweetie!

Sunday morning G arrived with the J's crystals and salt that I had forgotten. J was able to tell him what happened and I was proud yet again. He apologized. We went to the DQ for breakfast and all was right with the world. G left right after breakfast because J had a play date with her friend, Maddy, after church. A few minutes after he left June called and Maddy wasn't coming because her father had hurt her feelings and had some really bad behavior. J was disappointed but accepted it.

Shopping was next on the list. Now shopping is most certainly my most dreaded chore but it is J's favorite thing so shopping we went. J had $23 of her own hard earned money that she had budgeted for spending money. (Y'all know she budgets her money into categories of Spending, Christmas/gifts, Tithes & Savings.) My smart girl has $44 in savings, $40 in Christmas & $15 in tithes! So to Target we go and she discovered she had enough to buy this toy which was on sale for $17.48 and a hula hoop! She was so proud of herself!

Daddy G showed up with sushi in hand. I had already made home-grown fried okra, juicy red tomatoes, silver queen corn, fried green tomatoes, cucumbers and corn bread so we had a spread. Did I mention that my kid loves to eat????? Daddy G asked J how her play date went. Black cloud across her face again.....Then she told him that Maddy didn't get to come. "Why not," asked Daddy G. Very matter of factly J said, "her daddy hurt her feelings too." Ouch! That stings! After Daddy G picked his feelings up off the floor he apologized.

Very proud of J for telling yet again how she feels. Using words instead of meltdowns......Very big stuff!

Now I need help....anybody know where you can buy boxes of good, cheap children's books. J's in 1st grade but reading on 3rd grade level. Anybody got any ideas???? I am listening.....

Poopy Panty Patrol

It's baby steps I tell ya but I'm so happy to have them. Lots of processing in AT but that dadgum hateful FM still keeps turning up. The AT put Daddy G on Poopy Panty Patrol with J. He's to come randomly and intermittantly to do a panty check. Not the ones that are on her of course but the ones in her diaper pail. We're all hoping that this will assist in clearing the problem up because she DOES NOT want Daddy G to find poopy/peed panties in an inspection. God bless Daddy G. He agreed to do it. Gotta love him.... The rest of the day was hit or miss and not really stable.

Today started off pretty shaky with a whole lotta lying going on and the speed factor was slower than a snail's pace. Then more visualizing, tapping and pushing Lying, Sneaky J out and bringing Sweet, Strong, Brave J back. When Jessi arrived things improved greatly and she had a really good day in school. Her awesome teacher (me) made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies (it's a southern staple I swear!) last night for snack today in school and she had such great choices she had 2!

Hoping all goes well the rest of the day.

Regression

1 step forward....2 back....
Yesterday J sat in her classroom chair (after school doing homework) and decided her chair was a good enough toilet. *heavy sigh* More meltdowns....ODD....
The good news is that it's been a while since this behavior has appeared around Chrissi & I. The bad news is it brings on PTSD for me.

Any holding and talking about what could be the problem is a dead end. She can't seem to make heads or tails of it. Regular AT appt @ 11 is being anxiously awaited by all of us. More will be revealed later.

Hmmmm.

Yesterday we had emergency therapy and it helped. (J even asked to go to therapy. Woo hoo at recognizing her needs! Turns out it was the movie was the problem. The wicked witch sent her into another realm. Her perception of scary is much different than most kids. Pretty much anything is really scary but the witch really bothered her this time (she's watched this movie before). It triggered memories of the bad foster mom and something that happened with macaroni & cheese. (This seems to happen no matter what we watch that something is triggered) The AT is working on a new tapping algorythym (EMDR) to work out some of the trauma because this is not in the past in J's perception.

Reiki last night and this morning she was extremely fast & snappy and in a great mood. She did very well until 9:30 and things went downhill. Threw a major screamer. I went home and tried to help her work through some of it and thought it helped until I called for an update later. On my way home to see if she can turn it around......

Holiday

Back to the real world. Friday J did wonderfully. We had a great time swimming and she was tuckered out by 6:30 and asked to go to bed early. When we got up Saturday it was raining so I thought (bad thought bad) watching a Barbie movie cuddled up on the couch would be a good idea. Now I know I've been told over and over that TV is bad for RAD but we will watch an occasional Barbie movie and it's proven to me over and over again that it's not good because it always seems to suck her brain right out of her head. Well it did it again. It was downhill from there. A bunch of bad decisions meant that she had a time in with me on the dock before she could go swimming. After time-in she swam for several hours before G arrived. G took her on a boat ride to his sister's house and there were lots of people there which meant "scary" for her. Of course that didn't help. Several more bad decisions.

At dinner it was obvious that she was pooped so she went on to bed at 6:30 with the promise that I would wake her up for the fireworks. She did really great at the fireworks except for being disrespectful to G about blowing the horn. (She thought she should be in charge of blowing the horn.)

Sunday AM more of the same and she came very close to throwing a full blown meltdown in front of G & Craig which amazed even me. I had her do some running up and down the steps and things improved slightly and I let her go on a boat ride with all of us instead of us sitting the boat ride out. Hindsight being 20/20 we should've stayed at home because it was worse. The naked eye would not pick up on her behavior but being eagle-eye mom it was glaring me in the face. Kira came over for a playdate and J was rude and disrespectful to her as well. Ignoring, bossy, controlling, hateful at times and not willing to share any of her water toys that she has an abundance of. 4:30 rolled around and it was time to head home to get ready for the school day. She went home with Chrissi so that I could go to dinner with G, Craig & Murray. She threw one more screamer about that even though she knew ahead of time.

This morning she was soooooo slow that she didn't make it to eat breakfast until 7:45 instead of 6:55. Very disrespectful, couldn't remember how to strong sit, ODD, couldn't remember her metta prayer. I've done rubbing & tapping with her, blowing up her yucky pillow, etc....nothing is seeming to work. At school she was very much the same. After school major meltdowns so far, ODD, etc. Cannot put my finger on the problem for the life of me.

P.S. The gas is horrible around our house. I mean seriously like bad. G got sick at the smell. You could smell it two rooms away from her bedroom. What is up with that??????!!!!! It's always been really bad (ever since she's been here) and I've taken her to the doctor and he poo poos me away as being silly. Last weekend and this weekend it's been off the charts. Her pooh looks fine and everything seems to be in working order but it's constantly a problem. Any ideas????

Pre-Fourth

J had another fabulous day in school. Another cloud painted and so many check marks that she got to make July 4th cards for her treat! She is very proud of herself. I asked her if Mrs. Kacak changed. She said "no ma'am I changed and I just discovered she is awesome." She got all of her Saturday chores completed this afternoon so we can leave first thing in the morning to go to the lake. We'll have all day to ourselves until Saturday when Craig, Murray, Beau & Chrissi will be there to watch the fireworks. The firework display at Lake Burton is always stellar and the booming echoes from the mountains are fabulous! God help me...I even bought some junk food to take with us. The world must surely be coming to an end. ;-0

This evening she made some sassy (disrespectful) remarks to Chrissi but she's outside cleaning out Chrissi's van to make restitution (her idea). I'm hoping she gets to bed before midnight.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Great friends
2. Kisses from an awesome daughter
3. Packing for the lake
4. J having 3 bad choices and 30 good choices in school today!
5. Some bad people who did bad things to Tudu's babies were arrested yesterday!

J's Gratitude:
1. Having an awesome day in school! (fun)
2. Painting a cloud in the classroom (fun)
3. Awesome teacher
4. Making Independence Day cards (fun)
5. Cooking with Miss Chrissi (fun)
6. Dancing to music (fun)
7. Discovered my teacher is awesome! (fun)
8. Having a great attitude (fun)
9. Did chores fast & snappy so I can go the lake sooner
10. Talking to Daddy G on the phone (fun)

Actually there were 17 but I spared you some reading. Lucky you!
Over & outta here....we're gone to the lake!

The Great News & The Bad News

Bad News first so we can just get it over with and out of the way. Chrissi backed (plowed) the mini-van into Jessi's SUV while it was sitting in the driveway. Don't ask me how it happened. I have no idea. The good news is that the only thing broken on Jessi's car is the cover of a tail light. The mini-van didn't fair so well. The whole back door is completely unsalvageable. Dagnabit....more money.... :-(

The Great News is that J had another fabulous day at school. Jessi put an index card on J's desk and anytime she notices that J is doing a great job she doesn't interrupt J, she just puts a check mark on the card. The card was full today so her awesome teacher took her to Mickey D's for a Happy Meal. This was a real treat for J because we don't do fast food. J finished all her classwork with time to spare and has another cloud on the wall to prove it.

J also worked very hard in therapy today. She was very proud of herself and described the proud feeling as being very pink, warm & fuzzy. Pretty cool! The AT gave her a Metta prayer to repeat softly (like a chant) while she's doing her strong sitting and J already has it memorized. It's "May I be responsible. May I be respectful. May I be peaceful. May I be happy. May I be fun to be around. " She repeats it softly for 5 of the 7 minutes that she does strong sitting.

After AT we went to eat Mexican (kind of tradition for us) then to get a manicure & pedicure and on to see Daddy G. His secretary let her have some packing bubbles so J had a fabulous time popping them. There was a virtual symphony of popping!

When we got home (1 1/2 hours after eating mexican) she ate 2 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. I swear that child eats more than 5 adults put together. I asked her how she kept from being 500 lbs. She said, "I have a tube that runs down into the ground and that's where it all goes. I have to clean out the tube every couple of years with special cleaning spray that only I have." I told her I needed one of those tubes and she said, "mom, I'll wave my magic wand over you then you can eat as much as me too." I NEED one of those tubes. ;-) The child had 3 bowls of holy moly ravioli for lunch @ 1!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. Jessi's car wasn't hurt as bad as the van
3. Great time with J
4. Connie (she knows why)
5. Lauri, Laura & Gerri (you gals like totally ROCK!)

J's Gratitude: (warning...it is long) (RAD kids think they never have fun so she puts "fun" after all the things she considers fun then is always amazed that one little kid could have so much.)
1. Awesome mom
2. Dad
3. Awesome teacher (fun)
4. My awesome teacher knew I needed a brush
5. My awesome teacher took me to McDonald's (fun)
6. My awesome teacher let me have a Happy Meal and a Sprite (fun)
7. Great day at school (fun)
8. Being with my awesome teacher (fun)
9. Being with my awesome Mom (fun)
10. Learning about the Trojan War in history (fun)
11. Got to see Susan (fun)
12. Got to see Daddy G (fun)
13. Susan let me have popper bubbles (fun)
14. Manicure & pedicure (fun)
15. Pink nails from mom
16. Awesome teacher let me write my name on a Children's Miracle network foot (fun)
17. I made so many great choices
18. Worked really hard in therapy
19. Ate Mexican with Mom (she ate my plate & hers too!) (fun)
20. Awesome mom let me have a peppermint patty for dessert (fun)

J's Gratitude List
1. Awesome Mom
2. Dad
3. Great day at school
4. Making clouds in a science project
5. Mom giving me a massage & Reiki
6. Listening to Reiki music all night
7. Going to Papa's & Monya's
8. Going to the cow palace with Papa

Pressure Cooker Ranting Ramble

You know....when you're sitting on the outside looking in it's so easy to judge or be critical of someone's parenting, their life, their relationships, etc. I know I have been sooo guilty of this in the past and it's something I really work on today because I don't want to be that kind of person. It's really easy to be judgmental or critical when you don't live in the situation because you have nothing to lose. When you live with the problem it gives you a whole different perspective. I guess that's where the old saying comes in "never judge someone until you've walked in their shoes".

My daughter has been to hell and back with several round-trip tickets. She has seen more trauma than most adults and it was all before the age of 5. Her bio family started her journey to hell and foster care perpetuated and exacerbated the trips. It really pisses me off which is why I try not to focus on it too much because it takes my energy away from J. Actually pissing me off is a real understatement because I don't think there's a word to cover the emotions I have about what happened to her. No child should have to go through what she went through. It's unforgiveable.

That being said....(because she's been through so much hell)...she has a LOT of problems. I can guarantee you that any adult that has been through her circumstances would have significant issues too! Is it easy being her parent? Hell No! Do I love her? Beyond anything that I ever thought possible!!! Is it worth it??? Damn straight! Will I ever give up on her??? No way! Even if both of us are living in the state-run crazy house I will be her mom forever!

One thing I can promise you is that unless you have lived with my child who is a severely emotionally disturbed don't walk in judgment of me or my parenting methods. One thing I do know is that I know my child and I know what works for her and I, as her Awesome Mom, am duty bound to do whatever is in her best interest even if it's very painful for me. That's my job. I am the adult and I have to make the hard decisions. What works for your kid(s) won't work for my kid and I am sure probably vice versa. Wouldn't it be so easy if the same thing worked for all kids???? Life would be so simple. *Heavy sigh* It doesn't work that way unfortunately. All I can do is trust my instincts and know that I have her very best interests at heart and try to do the right things to give her the help she needs. When I do screw up I model making amends by telling her I was wrong and asking what can I do to make it right.



Rant over....I think I can breathe again.... Sorry... I just had to get that out. Had someone judging my parenting skills and it really pissed me off.

Fabulous AT session yesterday with lots of progress showing. J was able to say she felt lonely. This HUGE!!! A year ago all my child could say was that she was mad. Real tears too! Since I am so co-dependent I couldn't let her cry by herself. I had to cry too. Very emotional day but so worth it. I am so proud of her. She had a fabulous day at school today and the teacher incorporated the "rubbing technique" taught to us by AT which changes her energy around because J's gets flipped a lot. It worked wonderfully! Jumpings have been added at 10-15 minute intervals and that's helping a lot with her focus. Last night I gave J a Reiki session which always calms and centers her and I did Reiki on her lifebooks (distance Reiki to help her with the traumatic past events) and she crawled into bed telling me about all the wonderful dreams she was going to have about the angels.

Peeing your pants funny....

For grins and giggles and if you've got a real sick sense of humor (like me as I stray to the Far Side) go here to the ultra funny Foster Mom to Many.

God bless you Torina for sending me there. I really needed the ROTFLMAO!
Enjoy!

Still here

Too much has been going on lately. 2 employees out all last week (and the week before) and this week one is on vacation and one from last week is still out sick. Had to let an employee go. Sucks but such is the economy. Then add in the loss of my friend. Haven't felt like typing. Just trying to make ends meet.

G's community party was fabulous as always and J had a great time. She fell asleep in my lap about 30 minutes before the fireworks started so she got a little cat nap before the main event. I can't believe she turned off the hypervigilence with over 30k people surrounding her but she did!

Another Angel in Heaven

A good man left us Saturday traveling to what is surely his heavenly home. Godspeed Mr. Hatfield.... You will be missed.....

Eat some chicken in his honor please.

Progress

Thanks to everyone for all of your positive comments. It really picks me up and gives me much more to be grateful for in my already blessed life.

Since I was attending a CASA appreciation dinner last night we were a little off schedule. J had a really large time drying my hair for me before I took a super-size and super-hot flat iron to it. 450 degrees should straighten just about anything! Then we ran downstairs to do a Reiki treatment which left her very calm and relaxed.

G was on time to take me to the dinner. God bless him! I think it's the first time he's ever been on time! We left J eating a huge bowl of vegetable soup (one of her many favs) and in anticipation of finishing Daddy G father's day present. Her "please don't go mama" tugs at the heart strings and at least these days she really means it. More progress for J.

Dinner was (as always) out of this world at Glen-Ella but the chicken piccata was so wonderful I could have taken a bath in it! My to-do list today includes calling Ed to see if I can talk him out of that recipe! Seeing old friends (and family) and meeting new ones was just lovely. Mary Perdue was the guest speaker arriving by helicopter in the meadow behind the gardens. Honestly she was not as impressive as Stephanie Ayers. Stephanie and her husband have fostered more than 70 children and adopted 5 to add to their 5 bio-children. Her story was very inspiring at the (all volunteer) work that CASA does to protect our children. Our Mountain Judicial Circuit of CASA doesn't have a website yet (not for long because I am working on that even as I type) but here is more info on the work of CASA. Priscilla and I were talking this morning and it was funny that we were both thinking the same thing. If J had had the luxury of having a CASA she probably would never have had to go through much of the trauma she has received and not have had such a severe degree of RAD. On the other hand, if she had had a CASA I might not have her now because she would not have been on the path to me.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. CASA
3. Chicken piccata
4. G being on time
5. Priscilla for urging me to attend the dinner.

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Awesome teacher
3. Riding her bike
4. Riding her scooter
5. Jumping rope
6. Learning about Crete

Update

I am happy (over the moon!) to report that J painted her first cloud in her classroom. Jessi called and said it was like teaching a completely different child. She said she had never met this child before! J made it through all 6 subjects and her exercises in The Learning Breakthrough with time left over to paint her cloud AND have time to play! Whoo hoo!!!!

Eating Machine

AT was awesome yesterday. She participated willingly and actively. At the end of the session the AT did some guided imagery for her while I cradled her in my arms (giving Reiki at the same time). J fell asleep. She has only been able to relax in my arms enough to fall asleep once before so I was incredibly impressed!!!! She slept for like 20 minutes!!!! Big stuff for the princess!!!! The AT had remarked earlier that she could tell that J had taken her trust level of me to another level and that it was blatantly obvious. I could tell it too but it was so great for someone else to see it too. Most RAD kids have very large pupils due to their hypervigilience and J's have been very small ever since she got home. Another great sign! Note: It's really interesting to be in a room of RAD kids and see all the large pupils staring back at you. I had this privilege at a camp and it can be really disconcerting.

Since J came home she has been an eating machine. Last night she had a HUGE (I'm talking 6 inches across 4 inches tall) hamburger, 2 tomatoes (GA grown of course), 2 servings of baked beans, 4 deviled eggs and a huge handful of bing cherries for dessert. An hour after playtime she was hungry again! Another huge serving of baked beans, 2 more deviled eggs and more bing cherries before bedtime.

She had a blast riding her bike, scooter and jumping rope! She made it to 71 consecutive jumps too! Great attitude in place. By the time she made it to the massage table last night the baked beans & deviled eggs had gone to another level. Imagine that! My nose was greeted with such lovely (insert facetious tone here) aromas during her massage and Reiki treatment. By the time I finished I needed a military grade gas mask! Pee eeewww!

She awakened in a fabulous mood this morning even though she was still tired. I gave her a Reiki treatment right after her strong sitting and she is becoming more and more receptive to it. She told me she could feel God healing her heart and her hurts.

Hopefully she'll get to paint the first cloud today!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. Watching J play
3. The smile on J's face when she sees the angels
4. AT
5. The best kiss ever!

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Awesome Teacher
3. Baked beans & deviled eggs
4. A blue classroom
5. Fun school
6. Puddin

Update

Jessi just called me and said that J had her best day ever in school! She was very respectful, responsible, fun to be around and she tried really hard. Tomorrow if she has great day too she'll paint her first cloud in her classroom!!!!! :-) :-) :-)

Proud mom I am!

Home Again

The princess is home! Yahoo! She was so glad to be home. Very loving, sweet, fun, just precious all the way around. Vowing to work very hard for Mrs. Kacak because she doesn't want to leave home again. She says she can't wait to go to Mrs. Kacak's school. Another Yahoo!

Short on time because she got home at 5:15 and we had to be at therapy at 6 so we stopped for Mexican. An adult order of carnitas along with Chrissi's portion of refried beans and she was still a member of the clean plate club. Dessert of fried ice cream and she was a very happy girl.

The AT was very impressed with J's changed attitude as she says now that she WANTS to go to Mrs. Kacak's school and she WANTS to learn and she WANTS to try hard. Yea! We all worked on helping her see the difference in her attitude and she was very proud of herself. G was waiting in the lobby when we got out of therapy and she was very happy about that too.

Home to a scented bath, fresh jammies and a handful of fresh bing cherries. Princess couldn't wait for a massage and I gave her a Reiki treatment too. She loved getting Reiki! She even told me saw angels around her and one was lying on the bed! That was really cool! She loved that her classroom had been painted sky blue and I told her that Mrs. Kacak said that whenever she made lots of good choices that she would let her paint a cloud on the wall. She was really excited! (Actually it was Chrissi's idea but she graciously allowed Mrs. Kacak to take the credit since we're trying to help J see her as the awesome teacher that she is.)

This morning she didn't want to get out of bed. She was still pooped! Once her feet hit the floor she was a fast & snappy girl though. She was so fast I had time to give her another Reiki treatment before school. (I gave her classroom a Reiki treatment too just for good measure.) J started school early today because she wanted to!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. My kid is home!
3. J wants to go to school!
4. J has a great attitude!
5. Fabulous AT

J's Gratitude:
1. Awesome Mom
2. Being home
3. Seeing angels
4. Cherries
5. G coming to see her
6. Awesome teacher
7. Getting to go to fun school

I'm still here.....

So sorry I've been MIA. There's been so much going on around me and in my head that I haven't felt like blogging. God bless you Tudu & Gerri for caring....

Last Thursday I sent J to another respite provider in Tennessee because J was again beyond horrible to Mrs. Kacak. I am so afraid that I have condoned her behavior by allowing this to go on so long. Feeling terribly guilty about it too. Feeling guilty about sending her to a new respite provider too. Mrs. Fisk is a trained provider and has worked with lots of RAD kids so I have lots of confidence in her but J had never met her before and so I worry. The therapist, Mrs. Gaddy and myself all were in agreement that she needed a shock to motivate her to do something different because she knows the drill at Mrs. Gaddy's and I think it doesn't work as well now because she knows the drill But it's hard on so many levels. Plus I miss my little princess.

Early Saturday morning I took Chrissi to the airport for her vacation. She is touring LA, San Fransico, Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, Vegas and the redwood forest with a tour group of other Au Pairs. It is a requirement of the Au Pair program that she vacation for 2 weeks in America. She won't be back until next Monday. (Next month she will go to DC, NY, Phildelphia & Boston for her 2nd week.) I miss her too....

I left Hartsfield airport in a flurry and flew back to NE Georgia in time to make my Saturday Al-Anon meeting. It was good to be back and more than one eyebrow was raised that I was finally in attendance. The soft, orange chair was still awaiting me. It was sooo good to be back.

Saturday afternoon & Sunday were spent at the lake. Robin, Brian, G & I all had a great time and spent most of Sunday on the boat or in the water because it was unbearably hot!!!! Speaking of which I have a nice little sunburn on my shoulders & neck to prove it. Yes....I did use 30 sunscreen (and lots of it) several times but I still got one nonetheless.

During all this time I have been actively studying to become a Level II Reiki practitioner and yesterday I received my certification. I promptly went over to my parent's house to work on my mom since she has been in great pain with her left hip, leg & foot. Back this morning to give her another treatment and am proud to report that she is having some relief.

Reiki is supposed to be excellent for emotional problems which is why I studied to be a practitioner. This isn't a change of professions for me. I knew it would be hard for J to let someone else give her Reiki so I made the decision to (thanks to Chris & Mary Mc) put forth the effort to give J a little extra help.

Also, while J is gone I am re-painting her classroom (it is a dark, rich red since the room used to be the room that I painted in) to a soft, pale blue. I am hoping this is going to be more soothing for her as well.

I have cleaned out cabinets and thrown away crap that seems to multiply like rabbits around my house. Even though I've been cleaning my house looks like a tornado hit it because I have stuff scattered hither & yon.

Tonight I'm going to give my mother another Reiki treatment. Tomorrow I'm going to the lake with a friend that is going to try to mark off my property lines so that I can take the neighbors to small claims court about cutting my trees down. Hate that going to court business but am afraid if I don't more trees will disappear.

Bad girl is on hiatus. Hoping she'll return soon.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Chris
2. Sandy
3. Mary McKenzie
4. G
5. Reiki

A feeling of relief....

Emergency therapy session last night and J tried to work on what is going on. Lots of tapping and exercises for a neurologically damaged brain. J promised to write a 2 page heartfelt apology letter to Mrs. Kacak. (Letter was her idea to make up for her behavior. G met us at therapy in the hopes to get J out of her funk. It didn't work but J coughed up all of her bad decisions regarding Chrissi & Jessi and I was proud of her for owning her behavior. Then only J & I went into therapy and J told G good bye. God bless him he was still waiting when we got out. He was very supportive in telling J that she is responsible for her actions but her bad decisions could land her in some very bad places but we were really hoping that she could change things up. We went through the list of everything that we are doing to help her but G told her that she had to do her part too. Which is all too true. I was VERY proud of G too! It was a big step for him. After therapy Ms. Kristy asked J if she had been honest with G while she & I were talking and she said no. So Kristy had her tell G (looking him in the eyes) that she was afraid if she was completely honest with him that he wouldn't love her anymore. Of course he responded positively that he would love her no matter what she did. Proud moment again!

This morning J did great doing all the new tapping & rubbing and exercises. Then we talked about the letter and it was straight to meltdown. 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. When I left (late for work) she was still in full meltdown mode. Beating myself up because I can't be at home with her.

Back to the bad girl (me). My dear sponsor read yesterday's post and instead of calling me she came to my office. God bless her! Probably all the way here she was probably telling herself "that girl has really done it now." :-) I couldn't help but get tickled when Deb said Priscilla is here to see you. I fessed up immediately and was told to write a hundred times "it is fun and it's ok." Whew! I know my friends had already told me that but somehow when Priscilla did it made it REALLY ok. My conscience is clear now.....what a relief! P.S. Priscilla, I have written my sentences and it's the new tape playing in my head..... I think I can get over myself now!
Sometimes it is good to be bad!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Priscilla
2. Jordan
3. Connie
4. Kristy
5. Robin
6. Tudu
7. Gus

J's Gratitude:
1. Mom
2. Ms. Kristy
3. Bike
4. Leap Frog
5. Daddy G

Trials & Tribulations Plus "Bad Girl"

J came home Friday against Mrs. Gaddy's judgement because she wasn't ready. It was obvious to me as well. She refused to do anything for any of us all weekend and tested EVERYTHING! Cried over nothing all the time. Usually she comes back from TMR and she does fabulous. Not so this time. I think Mrs. Gaddy had too many kids last week (4 respite, her 2 and her sister's granddaughter). So money not well spent. Of course it could also be that it's going to take longer for J to get it because the abuse has been going on so long. Who knows????

Yesterday she was again a little hellion with Jessi. 20 things on her bad choice list including trying to hit Jessi, throwing her paper and pencil across the room and throwing a huge screamer. *heavy sigh* I truly do not know what to do. Mrs. Gaddy recommended that maybe a new respite provider might be helpful since J doesn't seem to be listening to her. So...I talked with one in TN, who is trained by Nancy Thomas and have sent in the application. It really worries me but I know this isn't working and she'll never get back in public school if she doesn't learn that throwing fits and threatening to kill the teacher is not acceptable behavior. This TMR provider only takes one child at a time and that would be better.

I took her to the doctor yesterday (because she has been going to the bathroom so often) and she has a very low grade kidney infection so he started her on antibiotics.

I proudly announce that embracing my inner "Bad Girl" finally happened. I wasn't just bad. I was BAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDD!!!! And it was fabulous!!!! I am still blushing even though Connie told (ordered) me to "stop it!" Gerri....I remember your message and you were pretty darn close. Sorry to scar you again. ;-) Tudu.....You will be soooooo proud of me. :-)

Lisa's Gratitude:

1. Bad Girl

2. Bad Girl

3. Bad Girl

4. Bad Girl

5. Bad Girl

6. Bad Girl (yup...that was 6 bad girls)

J's Attitude:

1. Crappy