1st Day of Camp

Kara is staying with us at the lake this week for camp.   This is the first spend the night (with a friend) for both of them.  A huge memory for both of them and so grateful that they are healed enough to do this.  I kept them swimming from 10 AM yesterday morning until 5:30 straight.  I even brought lunch down to the dock so they wouldn't miss a minute.  Kara didn't want to sleep in the room next to J's and asked if she could stay in J's room.  I talked with J about it and we went over safety, etc.  Both girls were adamant that they could be as quiet as mice.  Kara wanted to go to bed a J's bedtime of 7 since she was still exhausted from camp for the previous two weeks.  True to their word they were quiet and I stepped in to check 15 minutes later and Kara was sawing logs.  In 15 more minutes J was as well. 


J was up at 5:30 this morning nervous about camp and because she didn't sleep very well last night with Kara in the room.  We tapped, rubbed on psychological reversals and went over all the rules ad nauseum.  After breakfast, when they had all their camp bags ready, they took turns reading out of the Amer i can G irl book, Friends - Making Them and Keeping Them.  Great book BTW.


Tapped, etc all the way to camp.  They were the second ones to arrive which gave J a comfort level.  I left and all day I kept looking at the time and fearing that I'd be getting a phone call any second.  No calls.


The director came out first to greet me before bringing any of the kids out to their parents.  I was worried as she was walking up.  She kept a perfectly straight face all the way to my car.  I probably should've gotten out of the car but thought it would be better to receive bad news sitting down.  When she got to the car she said Jordan did amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  She said all the camp counselors were in love with her and couldn't believe all her good manners!  She remembered her manners, listened, told the director when she was scared, remembered to tell them she's allergic to cheese so she couldn't have mac & cheese today.  The kids liked her and she made new friends. Woo hoo for my kid!!!!!!!!!!!!  


And then I started crying!  This news would've been music to any mother's ear but to mine it was priceless.  J was never the charming RAD kid.  She was the "don't turn your back" kid cause you might seriously regret it and have wounds if you do.  Today the heavens were singing and I might have burst into song myself.  Then I had to hug the director awkwardly through the car door and told her I loved her.  Sadly, I'm not kidding. 

Jordan came running screaming, "MOM!!!!" with a grin as big as Texas.  Insert more awkward hugging through the car door.  I don't think I could get out due to the shock factor at this point.  The director told her she would see J in the morning and J emphatically replied, "yes ma'am you will!!!" She got in the car and screamed "THAT WAS SOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!"  Then I started crying again.  J said, "mom are you crying?"  Yep.  She turned to Kara and said, "she does that when she's happy."  :)


She chattered away about her day and how she did a the high dive.  She started on the dock which she does pretty well and then moved on up.  She said when she came up she sputtered that she had a "head stomach" and everyone thought that was funny. 


On the way home J kept saying she was about to get sick and she had a headache.  We made it home without an event.  I think dehydration/lack of food/and stress factors were the contributors.  She ate two pan-seared tuna steaks, 2 avocados and 2  peanut butter and honey sandwiches.  While she was doing the dishes she said, "mom, I forgot I was a bottomless pit at camp because I was nervous but now that I'm home I remembered that I am a BOTTOMLESS PIT!!!!"   No kidding.


At 6 the dishes were done and J was begging to go to bed due to exhaustion.  She went on and Kara and I read some more out of the AG book till 7.  J was already asleep and 5 minutes later so was Kara.


Tonight I think she'll do better with Kara in the room.  At bedtime I introduced J to Kara.  J meet Kara.  Kara meet J.  Kara is still Kara in the middle of the night just like she is right now.  Contrary to your midnight beliefs she does NOT morph into a monster.  She is always Kara.  They both giggled.

.

The high notes of the day:

Creek walking was the BEST according to both girls. J didn't like drama or basketball (because she thought she didn't do well) but she said it was all great.  Kara wasn't crazy about speed ball. 

Asked each what was the thing they were most proud of today. 

Kara: Being a good friend to J.

J: Remembering her manners even though she was stressed and making a new friend.

The things they both wanted to improve on tomorrow:

Kara: Wanted to do better on table manners.

J: Wanted to be a better friend tomorrow. 


Today is the day that I never thought would arrive.  I never in a million years thought or even hoped out loud that she could blow the doors off such a monumental challenge.  Yes... I've known that she's made great emotional strides to overcome so much trauma that would bring most adults to their knees.  But this was over the top!  It's a proud mama day today.   I'll take it and store it away here so I can always pull it out on a rough day and remember the champion of conquering her fears.  I love my kid.  She is the bomb!

Random

We're hanging at the lake a good bit this summer. Friends coming in and out.  J is loving it.  Next week she will start at a day camp from 8:30 to 5.  Like a real old fashioned camp.  Camp Dixie was started in 1914 and most of the buildings were built around that time.   Trees grow through the cabins and other buildings.  The wood on all the buildings has been worn so very smooth from years of use.  350 lush acres at the top of a mountain decorated with lakes and waterfalls.  So very cool.  It's very structured with lots of great activities and no electronic devices allowed.  I took her up last week for her to visit and get a comfort level.  She loved it and we both decided we'd love to live there.  It's about 1.5 hours from our house so we'll stay at the lake and I'll be 20 minutes away in case she hates it.

She has been able to tell me she's nervous about camp and talk through her feelings.  This is so huge!  She has also expressed nervousness about being away from me for so long each day. Yay J!  I have her a transition object to carry in her pocket so that when she's missing me or scared she can touch it and get some love.  The camp director is now familiar with tapping and shaking so they'll be able to identify her coping skills for her if necessary.

Her normal excessive appetite is now off the charts.  We ate at the seafood market last week and she ate 2 shrimp po-boys, 8 hushpuppies, a bowl of crawfish etoufee, a pound of crab legs, and half of my po-boy.  No.  That is not a joke.  She is a 4'10", 89 lb eating machine.  I cannot keep groceries in the house.

Last week my computer, cell phone, microwave and dryer all went catawompus.  In a period of 48 hours.  Geesh.  So now this strictly pc girl has turned mac and is dealing with all the frustrations that entails.  Not to mention learning a new cell phone, etc.

Have you met Barb and all her loveliness yet?  If not, rush on over and read a great post here.  Then go check out this post from Colleen at Therapeutic Moments.  I don't put links in for my entertainment people.  They are for you.  :-)  Not to mention that I haven't mastered copy and paste into blogger links so these are links that were slaved over.  Not. even. kidding.  So click, people.  Click.  You know you want to.....  :-)

(Why oh why will the mac not let me copy and paste links?  Please tell me this is just a temporary blogger issue.)

Sketchy internet up here.  I'm very happy that there is even a little bit of service but we're at the end of line so you never know if you're going to have it or not....or it will go down in mid-sentence.  Reminds me of dial up days....

Anger Work

J has had a lot of anger toward a certain someone.  Rightfully so.  We've been doing anger work in therapy and it's been helping.  A couple of weeks ago a lightbulb went on and I remembered something that really helped me many years ago.  You write down the reason (person, place, event, etc) on the bottom of your shoe and stomp on it.  Usually by the time the writing has disappeared so has your anger.  A couple of times I had to do it twice but it worked.

I mentioned it to J and she loved that idea!  So she wrote her anger all over the bottom of her shoes with a sharpie.  Complete with mean faces.  Then she stomped.  Now I don't know about your child my but mine could make a Tennessee Walking horse jealous with the strength and volume level that she can stomp.  Kristy and I both thought her legs would be sore but miraculously they weren't.  Must be all those years of practicing.  She ended up stomping for several days.  Then it started dissipating and she only asked to do it every couple of days.  Now she doesn't think about it much.  Amazing!

Another anger tool I need to write down and put in my toolbox so that I don't forget. 

Do you have any good anger tools to share?  I'm writing them down and would love to have some more. 

Loved all your suggestions on the "No" post.  They're now in my toolbox too.  Signing "no"......I loved that and had to go look it up.  So grateful for all you smart mom's.

Thanks to blogger's like Corey's and Barb's I no longer have to pay for tv.  Saving mucho bucks and ever so happy about it. 

Love Don't Run

by Steve Holy. 

Tissue Alert: This song speaks volumes about us.  And you too.....

The Dreaded "No" Meltdowns

This post has been sitting in the draft box for a few weeks.  I'm truly not good at explaining stuff so please bear with me....

Our kids hate the word "no".  Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.  I used to think it was just an excuse to have a wango tango event.  Now I think it's more of a trauma response.  We already know that cause and effect is severely damaged in traumatized children so we can't expect them to respond correctly as a NT.  ESPECIALLY if it's a stressful situation.   BUT when J came home she was 5 and she was verbal so I expected her to understand what no meant.  Oh boy! Was I ever wrong!  When you've had about a million other homes and too many changes, and too many hurts and too many scary things happening it just doesn't work that way.  No, in their mind, means the end of the world because they think there will NEVER be another "yes."  The amygdala engages and all hope is lost.  They say "game on."  It's just one of the millions of things that I wish that I understood before I parented trauma.  I could've saved myself and J so much trouble and shattered eardrums. :)

Try to say yes to everything you can within reason.  I really have to watch myself because I will get in the habit of saying no just because....I'm too tired or I really don't want to be bothered or it's Wednesday, or whatever.

Please don't get your panties in a wad.  Hear me out first.... I KNOW there are times you have to say no AND that's it's really important that they can handle it and obey it immediately.  Sometimes it life and death.  As in...."no" when they're about to run out in the street, or touch a hot pan, etc.  BUT when you can say "yes" and when they're regulated, maybe you can try the things below that worked for us to take the sting out of "no".


We made up another word to use instead.  One of ours was hippopotamus.  Yes... I know it's crazy to use another word when it would be so much easier just to say no.  But it sounds funny and it would interrupt the spin into the amygdala and most of the time she could handle it.  Not always... but seriously people if it worked only for one day I would take it.  When hippopotamus stopped working we used supercalifragilisticexpialidocious cause that was even sillier and then she'd try to say it and couldn't and then we'd both be laughing.  (P.S. if you're both laughing you are both winning.)  Sometimes I let her pick the word that would represent "no."  It gave her some control and it was always interesting to hear her choice.

AND



We practiced, ad nauseum, using the representative word or the dreaded actual "no" when she was regulated.  Lots of pizazz to enforce when they are strong enough to actually hear the word and accept it. Sweet treat rewards during practice never hurt either.  Your hand to their mouth with love.

Model it: Turn the practice around and let them tell you "no" and model the appropriate response.  Yes, you may feel silly but find the fun in it.  Use your imagination and make it fun.

J is attached and her responses are appropriate most of the time but still, even after 5 years, if she is not regulated or stuck in her amygdala due to a stressful situation she can STILL have a hard time with no.  STILL.  I have to keep reminding myself that sooooooo much was missing in her first 5 years that this may be a pattern for her.  It may be something she adjusts too eventually but it's up to me not to expect her to have the exact response a NT child might have.  She's doing the best she can and sometimes I have to adjust my expectations.  It is frustrating and there are times when I think "she just be over all that stuff by now."  That's just me being ridiculous.   Then I have to remember how far she has come. 

We've come a long way baby!

If you've got any helpful hints on what you've done to ward off the no wango tango please share.  I can use all the tips I can get in my arsenal.

Working on the Hooping Skills

She's using my 3 lb. hoop.  That thing is h.e.a.v.y.

Feeling Claimed

It is blatantly obvious that J feels more "claimed" since the commitment ceremony.  She has a comfort level in our family environment that I have not seen before.  I hear her saying more "we" statements rather than "I" statements.  As in we're a team and she "feels" it on a very deep level.  How I wish we had done this sooner!  She laughs at herself more rather than feeling embarrassed.  She is laughing more period.  Appropriate, "I am delirously happy" laughter.  She is trying new things that before she wouldn't attempt for fear of failure.  She is sleeping better and her previous heightened startle response is almost nonexistent. 

It has been very interesting and informative to watch the difference.  Yes, I "knew" that I claimed her but on some level she didn't feel like I really meant it.  Even after 5 years of being home.  Now she feels safe and loved to her very core.  You can see the changes on her face AND in her actions.  Her breathing is even more steady.  She can hear better because she's not trapped in her amygdala wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.  She is more relaxed.  Things that used to frustrate her to no end is now a piece of cake for her.   She will readily admit when she has made a mistake and moves through it rather than feeling she has to be perfect. She feels safe. 

I am so glad that our anniversary will not be anywhere close to her traumaversary.  By family vote we have decided that from now on we're not going to celebrate the adoption date and instead celebrate our commitment day.  My gift to her was a music box that covers 4 of the 5 senses.  Another stellar idea from the keepers of wonderful ideas. It has a picture of us inside, peppermint essential oil (our favorite) dropped inside and it plays, "My Girl".  She keeps it very close to her and you can see her face light up every time she reads the engraving and hears the music. 

J gave me this beautiful angel.  Yes.... I was a puddle.  Not that I, in any way, think I'm the miracle in her life but that she is mine.  She has changed, touched and moved me in ways that I didn't think possible.  However, I was very touched that she was so very thoughtful. 

Garth Brooks, "You Move Me" speaks volumes of our journey.  Here are the lyrics:

This is how it seems to me
Life is only therapy
Real expensive
And no guarantee

So I lie here on the couch
With my heart hanging out
Frozen solid with fear
Like a rock in the ground

But you move me
You give me courage I didn’t
know I had
You move me on
I can’t go with you
And stay where I am
So you move me on

This is how love was to me
I could look and not see
Going through the emotions
Not knowin’ what they mean
And it scared me so much
That I just wouldn’t budge
I might have stayed there forever
If not for your touch

Oh but you move me
Out of myself and into the fire
You move me
Now I’m burning with love
And with hope and desire

How you move me

You go whistling in the dark
Making light of it
Making light of it
And I follow with my heart
Laughing all the way

Oh ‘cause you move me
You get me dancing and you
make me sing
You move me

Now I’m taking delight
In every little thing
How you move me

This mama's heart is singing. ♥

Vows

LISA AND JORDAN MOTHER/DAUGHTER

COMMITMENT CEREMONY

Jody:

We gather together at this time to celebrate and seal the commitment between Lisa and Jordan Amos. Lisa, you come here today to celebrate your adopted daughter. We honor and bless this child who is placed into your care and keeping.

A gift from life itself, she came to you -- a special gift because you have chosen and have been chosen to receive Jordan. To you she has been given. In due seriousness, and with joy and keen anticipation, we mark the moment of this new commitment to each other. This child has come into your life and you have come into hers. May this union bring happiness, growth, and lasting good to both of you.



Jody to Jordan: With joy and blessings we recognize you as daughter in this family. Your mom wishes to express in our presence her love and commitment to you as a parent and she has invited us to share this time with you.



Jody to Lisa: What is the name of your daughter?

Lisa: Jordan Olivia Amos



Jody to Jordan: I say your name in the presence of all, Jordan Olivia Amos, and welcome you into your mom’s love. The two of you share the name Amos as a sign to all that you are mother and daughter.



Jody to Lisa: Lisa, do you take Jordan as your daughter?



Lisa: I do.



Jody to Jordan: Do you take Lisa as your mom?



Jordan gave a very emphatic, "YES, I DO!".



Lisa to Jordan: I take joy today in recommitting my life to yours. From the first day I laid eyes on you. I knew you were the one. So beautiful then and even more beautiful now. Side by side, step by step, may our journey together begin here, from this day forward.

What I have promised before, I gladly promise again: I promise to love you forever. To love all parts of you. To be open, honest and faithful to you. To nurture your spirit and support your dreams. To honor your thoughts and feelings. I promise to comfort and challenge you. In return, all I ask is that you never give up.

When you need strength, I will offer mine. When you need words of encouragement, I will listen and provide support. When you need solace and comfort, I will understand. I place you in my heart today, before all others.



Jody to Jordan: As a symbol of your awesome mom’s commitment to you, she would like to give you a necklace that represents her love for you.  (This is where I explained each of the charms to J.)
Jody: With joy we greet you as mother and daughter.

To each of you in this new family we wish:

May each of you be a blessing to the other.

May your hours together be enriched by shared interests and pleasures.

May your home be a welcoming and safe place.

May you find strength and understanding in each other.

May you help one another to attain the best of which each of you is capable.

Let us pray.

We give thanks, O Spirit of God, for the blessing bestowed on this family in their commitment to each other. Confirm their joy by a lively sense of your presence with them, and give them calm strength and patient wisdom as they seek to love what is true and admirable, just and lovable and gracious, so that their lives may be a blessing to many. Amen.

***At the moment I'm reading these to J every morning while she's doing her strong sitting.  She loves hearing them each day. :) More on the ceremony in previous post.

Commitment Ceremony

Last weekend when the Rancho Chico clan were here, N & C suggested having a ceremony to reaffirm J's place in the family.  They are brilliant!  The seed was planted and the plans started when they drove out of the driveway.

Tab (another trauma mom who still doesn't blog dang it) wrote the most perfect vows ever (I'm posting those later).  I scrambled to get a necklace together (again another brilliant idea from N & C) and a music box ordered to be here in time. 

On June 25, 2011 a commitment ceremony took place between J & I with Tab's husband, Jody (a pastor), officiating.  When her adoption went through in 2007 I was just praying she didn't tell the judge she wanted another family (or major expletives of hating me) and it took years before she was ready to be a family girl and accept love.  This has not been an easy journey or either of us.  Today, almost 5 years later, she wants to be my daughter.  Who knew?

Kristy came and she energy tested both of us to make sure we both were serious about the commitment. My friend, Connie, was the event photographer. J's long-time sitter and our friend, Ashley, was there as well.  The whole event was beautiful, meaningful, poignant and affirming.   There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Wishing the Rancho Chico fam could've been here with us but they were here in spirit. 

Kristy energy testing J.

Left to right: Jody Anderson, Tab Anderson, me, Jordan, Kristy and Ashley.


Here's a close-up of the family jewels:

Our commitment certificate created by Tab (can you spot all the words - mother, daughter, Lisa, Jordan, Amos, Family, Faith, Hope, Believe, Love, Commit, Kind, Courage, Peace, Forever.)  Tab is super talented as you can tell.

At the bottom Tab listed our gotcha and adoption dates:

The journey from this side is so much sweeter because of what we have gone through to get here. 
Never, ever give up!!!!!

Found: One Pair of Therapeutic Panties

Tab found them for me. Yay! I wore them over my clothes today and they really gave me a boost.  Now you can be jealous! :)



 I saved the best for last:

Rancho Chico and company will be here this weekend.  Now you can be even more jealous. :)

Pre-cooking so I can spend more time with them and less in the kitchen.

Not so much...

My therapeutic panties have left the building.  If anyone finds them please let me know.


On the flip side... I learned something new today.  I've always wondered why so much pee happens during the night when there is no intake.  Kristy cleared that up for me today.  They are so constricted during daylight hours, just trying to stay alive and living in their amygdala, that they cannot fully empty their bladder.  When they finally relax at night, when they don't have the stress and fear of....I don't know....living.... and um....heaven forbid trying to love someone, they can actually fully release their bladder.  Who knew?!?!?! 

Honestly....I had no idea.

Winning

So J got a little wonky yesterday afternoon but managed to pull it back together pretty quickly.  Swimming helped and lots of hooping.  The end score was J winning by 5 points.  Today she won again. By a scant 1 point but still....

Today she was a little better in therapy.  Still disorganized but better nonetheless. 

I finally managed to get the hoop down my arm onto my body gracefully today (graceful for me anyway).  Nothing short of impressed with myself.  J is working on it and is getting really close.

More than 2 "Kristy" girls are going to Orlando.  Gotta love that!!!!

Fingers Crossed

This post is certainly going to jinx our day.  At the moment the score is 19-2 with J winning!  It is also her first good morning in over 3 months.  Wow!

Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the lamp of the oncoming train.  At this very moment anyway our future's so bright I gotta wear shades. :)


Now I'm off to do a new guided imagery CD from this book.  Kristy and I both thought she needed a new one since the one we've been using has probably lost it's effect or she's tuned it out.  Or both.

Then we'll be hooping fools with broken noses and bruised noggins since I found Babz Robinson all her amazing hooping tutorials on you t^be yesterday.  Dangerous stuff for us hooping newbies.  (Y'all do realize that hooping is another version of the wet dog trauma shake, right?)

New Trauma



I have been bloggy MIA.  Things have sucked.  Like unimaginably.  We fell in a deep, black hole and can't seem to pull ourselves out.  Then add in a blog stalker troll.  Ugh.

A horrible thing happened, particularly to J, and she has been thrown back into traumaland to the degree that it's almost as bad as when I got her.  A major loss and abandonment of catastrophic proportions to her healing. 

I get why she's having such a hard time.  Truly I do.  But it's been feeling insurmountable and like she will never recover. 

I have pulled out every. single. stinking. tool. out of my Trauma 101 Toolbox and nothing has seemed to be working.  I've even gone back to laying down with her when she goes to sleep.  Whispering in her ear, "I know you're really scared. It's OK to be scared.  I'm right here for you."  On the upside there was a time when she would've never gone to sleep with me in her room and now she's snoring in less than 5 minutes.

Yesterday..... I had an epiphany.  

RAD     HATES to lose. At a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.   E.V.E.R.

AND everything is a competition.  You do realize by everything that I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.????

So at dinner I did the "Woo hoo! You forgot to be respectful".  I caught you so therefore "I" get a point. Yay me!  Insert surprised look on J's face.  

Then "Hot dang! You tried to push me away.  Score another one for Mom! It's 2-0." 

By the time the score was 3-0 the light bulb went on in her head and she was getting busy trying to score some points.  She was trying to do things right.  Yes...you heard that correctly.

Side note: Keep in mind that even though we're in the throes of regressed RAD-like behavior she has still had LOTS of healing so she KNOWS the right way to do things.  This would probably never work with a child that is at the beginning stages of healing.

By the the time the night was over it was 15-10.  In my favor but still....she was trying to "win" by doing things right instead of doing every stinking thing in her power to piss me off.

Starting with a fresh slate today we're currently at 15-10.  I'm still winning by points but more importantly I'm winning (and she is too) because she's trying. 

Last night, when we were on the way home, Pink's Perfect came on the radio.  After it was over she said, "mom, I'm just like that song."  I asked how and she replied, "cause I feel like nothing."  Insert mental sobs from me.  I looked back at her in her turquoise shorts and shirt and said, "nah....you're not nothing.  You're a turquoise blob with a pony tail."  No, I did not say it with a sarcastic tone but with a playful one.  She could take me calling her a turquoise blob.  If I had said, "no, you're a beautiful young lady (which she is)."  She would have thought I was lying and immediately went into meltdown mode because she wouldn't be able to internalize that statement.  (There is a quote by someone that says: Never, ever, love someone more than they love themselves or they will always attack you.)  If the child believes that they are worthless and you tell them they are priceless they will get very angry because what you are telling them is going against what they believe.

Then I congratulated her for using her words and gave her 5 points.  This was an amazing feat for her lately.

Also today,  I stepped out in faith and hope.  I made reservations to go to the Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque in October for vacation.  Scared to death to do it financially but also know that we both need something joyful to look forward to in the future.  The thought of taking my camera to see 800+ balloons makes me very, very happy.  It's impossible to be around hot air balloons and NOT be happy.  Lucky for us the Helen to Atlantic Balloon Race was this weekend and I was able to make a lot of wonderful new friends AND let my camera do the happy dance. :)  The pics above were from this weekend.

Asking For Help

Quite a struggle going on here.  Please send prayers, good vibes, positive energy or whatever you believe....
Those of you who do Reiki....that would be appreciated as well....

Parents of Trauma - Edited

Christine has created a really great map to show that we really AREN'T alone.  Go here if you're a parent of trauma and add yourself.  Do it.  Be connected.  Just knowing there is someone close by is comforting.

Edited to add:
Things started getting wonky and moved around so now you need to email christine moers at hotmail . com and she'll put you on THE MAP!  Just do it.  You may have support right around the corner and not even know it.

View Parents of Trauma in a larger map

Orlando proved that we aren't alone.  If you didn't go to Orlando you still aren't alone.

A Mom's Niacin Ephiphany

So many lessons over the weekend.  Too many to count and I'm sure I'll remember others as time goes on.  I'm slow like that.

One that really sticks out is about Niacin.  Yes I know that Niacin is not a proper noun.  You can read my explanation about that here.

Yes, I have been giving it to J for quite some time.  We worked up to 1500mg a day (NON-FLUSHING)because she's the one who needs it.  Riiiiiiiiggggghhhhttt.  I wasn't taking it because I was trying to save money or at least that's how I rationalized it.  Big mistake. Huge.

A couple of weeks ago I just happened to watch a commercial on N i a span.  In the fine print on the commercial it said Niacin.  Hmmm....  So of course I googled it.  This revealed it's a prescription version of Niacin for high cholesterol.  I have off the charts cholesterol numbers.  Scary numbers.  So I decided that I would start taking it to reduce the cholesterol.  Uh huh.  I doled mine out with J's every morning about two weeks ago.  I just called the pharmacy to see how much it would be for a prescription of N i a span.  A month's worth for the lowest dosage (500mg) would be around $90.  My numbers are so high they said I would probably need 1500mg a day and it would be triple that amount. We get our Niacin from S a m's and 200 capsules runs about $15.00 for 500mg.

Sidenote: There has been a major upheaval in something that's going on in my personal life that has nothing to do with J. (My roommates were privy to this info but it's nothing I want to discuss on my blog.)  I have been dealing with the situation in anger and pissyness rather than the sadness that would be more appropriate. 

Fast forward to last Tuesday.  I cried about the situation.  (The ugly cry cause I don't do pretty crying. I fight it because I always have the Cry Hangover with swollen eyes and stuffy nose.) No anger or bitterness involved.  Just appropriate grief.

Wednesday I cried briefly some more.  Then I was really able to handle the situation appropriately. 

Now fast forward again to last Friday night, sitting around the table and surrounded by greatness.  We were discussing Niacin.  Ding! Ding! Ding!  Light bulb moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Niacin = all my appropriate feelings.  HELLOOOOO!!!!!!  That's why it's helped J so much.  Insert duh moment.  Peeling the layers of the onion.  Yep.  It works.  Cholesterol lowering is just an added bonus.  I have found that I am much better at handling many other things during this Niacin period.  The person (not J)that is very adept at pushing my buttons is finding it is no longer working.  Wowza.  Another plus for J on the days that she does like to push.  I can be a more regulated mother for her when she finds it necessary to poke me.

Christine wrote more about it here.  She's written about it many other places on her blog too.  She also wrote in the first post about helping cholesterol.  I conveniently missed that part the first time around.  Imagine that!

This household will NEVER run out of Niacin again.

Coming Home, Amazing Women, Facing Fear, etc.

So much to blog, so overwhelmed that it's hard to articulate. 

I was terrified to make the step out there to go to Orlando.  Social anxiety on crack.  It turned out to be an amazing weekend with Amazing Women.  Women that understand.  You don't have to tell your life story.  They already live it.  There's so much comfort in that. 

It's going to take a while to process all that I learned from so many different women.  Women of different faiths, backgrounds, beliefs, anxieties, problems, strife, etc.  We all live with a common denominator.  Trauma, RAD, mental illness, etc.  And it was wonderful, painful, scary, funny, sad, healing and ACCEPTANCE......a gamut of emotions.  I LOVED it.  I LOVED these women.  So many women I didn't get to meet too.  But I met the ones I was supposed to meet and realized that it was alright that I didn't get to spend significant time with everyone because we are ALL the same. These women are phenomenal and they don't even know it. 

These women touched my heart in so many ways.  The fact that I did not have to 'splain myself was an added bonus. I'll have much to say on this subject later.

Bouncing down the stairs on my hiney was not what I had planned during my weekend.  Thanks to Reiki I am moving and the purple and black bruises disappeared by the next morning.  Totally worth it though cause I was able to spend time with Thorn and Tubaville. 

I flew home.  In my car. Thank goodness Tab and Brenda didn't freak out on me because I was determined to get home as soon as possible.  Last night I came home to a total rock star.  She was so happy to see me.  Even though she had been really stressed all weekend.  Wow!  She went to bed at the usual time comforted knowing I was home and she could relax.  She wanted to do my birthday presents and I needed to rest.  We did them today after I had recovered somewhat.  More on that later too.

The best part.....

I went in to check on her around 9 last night.  She was sound asleep.  Her weighted blanket was missing so I put it on her.  As soon as I laid the blanket across her she roused from her sleep.  Her face lit up like a star with a smile upon her face and she spread her arms to hug me as she said, "Mom!  I'm so glad you're home."  I wish I had a picture of that moment.  It was so genuine and loving.  And incredibly moving.  I am crying now just thinking about that.  The picture of that moment will be a memory that I will remember forever.  Where was Nelda when I need her and her camera????  This afternoon I recounted the event to her and she doesn't remember it but she said, "Mom, I AM so glad you're home."  J is such a rock star.  I'm so ever living happy she's my kid.

Remember this was not always the case.  There was a time of much stick poking.

So to those of you that have kids who cannot speak the language of attachment and are still using the stick poking language when you return.....  We have been there for too.  This too shall pass.  Some day you they will be able to say they are so glad you're home.  For now just interpret the stick poking as "I'm so glad you're home."  You can even give them the correct interpretation. It will come.  In time.  I'm so glad I lived to hear, see and feel it.  I promise you there's nothing like it in the world.

This and That

We are currently experiencing crazy weather in Georgia.  I've had the windows open for going on almost 3 weeks.  Yesterday and today it was 75 degrees and the trees are blooming and budding out.  Freaky deaky.  Big storms tonight. 

The birds are happily singing me awake every morning.  Love those spring sounds.

Trying to tie up loose ends so that I can blast out of here on Thursday morning.  I really should make a list but I'd rather torment myself by letting my brain spin with everything I need to accomplish before I leave.  Who knew I could be so excited about a 10 hour drive?  So looking forward to a weekend with people that I admire and adore.  Cannot. wait.

I spent Christmas and New Year's with the flu.  Today I started getting a sore throat.  E m e r g e n C in massive doses.  I. am. not. getting. sick. Nothing is going to mess this up.

More on Embracing RAD

Thanks everyone for not beating me up on the last post.  It was a scary thing to put out there to bloggyland.

There's more to report.

So I've been keeping my mouth shut and waiting on the other shoe to drop and the blog fates to step in on this new HUGE step in J's healing heart.  She's holding her own so far and seems to be coming into another level of maturity as well. 

There's been one morning where she was a little iffy around the edges for a couple of hours and I was holding my breath waiting on it to sit and stay a while.  Immediately I went to her and told her I was so grateful for RAD that saved her life and I was glad he was still hanging around.  Now when I said it I was NOT genuine.  My tone was snide and dripping with sarcasm.  It. didn't. work.  Big surprise. :( We both took a time out.  A little bit later I was able to go with a genuine heart and thank RAD again and I apologized for being sarcastic before. I also told RAD that he deserved to have fun too because he'd been so busy saving J's life that he didn't have any time for fun before. Total change up.  Things that make you go hmmmmm.....

Lesson to myself a.g.a.i.n.:

 If I reject RAD I reject J because it is an inherent part of her. 

Now I have a big sticky note on the fridge that says "Thank you RAD for saving J's life" cause I need the visual reminder.  Then I put one on J's bulletin board that says,
"Thank you RAD for saving J's Life.
Love,
Mom"

As you can see from the picture I am not crafty nor good penmanship mom.

That which I accept does not control me. 

Big "duh" moment for me.

Kristy had told us last week to start being thankful for ____________(insert whatever is the problem). 
Thank you for RAD.
Thank you for this problem.
Thank you for this chore that I don't want to do.
Etc.

Well I didn't want to hear it and therefore didn't do it.  (Yes I was doing it on RAD but not on some other REALLY big, life changing, problems in our family.) So Kristy told us AGAIN this week.  J practiced in session over something that she didn't want to do.  When we came home she did it on her particular problem.  Then she opened her eyes and went about doing the thing she was just thankful for.  No complaints. As soon as she was finished she happily reported that it worked!  Well....I can't let my kid out-do me so I had to do it too.  It worked for me too.  I don't understand it but I don't have to.  I'm not one of those people who have to know why.  I just do it on faith.  I'm trying to do the same with all the changes in J.  Taking it on faith that we are on to something great here.

It is not lost on me that this goes hand in hand with my last post.

I wish someone had told me this 4 years ago.  WAIT! I wouldn't have listened 4 years ago.  I was too busy trying to exile RAD to have heard it.  This has been an enlightening and growing journey for me.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Embrace the RAD

Last week I did something I NEVER thought I'd do.  I embraced RAD.  Before you haul out and clobber me hear me out.  Pretty please.  I'm going to muddle through and try to splain myself.  If something doesn't make sense please let me know.

During therapy and all the explaining of attachment cycles (as in previous post), Kristy has been actively telling J's RAD brain that we appreciate it coming and protecting her when she was little.  BECAUSE if she didn't have RAD she would certainly be dead by now. There is no doubt about it.  It served a purpose to keep her alive and it worked.  BUT...that she could tell her RAD brain that it could take a little rest "if it wanted to" because now she had a mom that could handle it and protect her.  Our homework for the past few weeks was to daily tell her RAD brain how much we appreciated it coming to protect her when she needed it the most.

OK...so y'all know about pink love right? ("Pouring" love in J by touching foreheads and humming sounds as it goes in.)  The color of her love is pink so that's why we call it by the color.  After every therapy session I "pour" pink love in her head.  I also give some to Little J.  Little J is the part of her that was so hurt when she was so young.  Little J needs love too.  No one was there for her.  No one saved her.  It was just one more trauma after another raining down on her.  Little J's love color is pink also.  Last week I had the stellar idea to ask her if RAD needed some love too.  She closed her eyes and asked RAD if it wanted love.  IT DID!  So then I told her to ask RAD what color it's love was.  She closed her eyes then said it was red.  Imagine that!  So then I told her I was going to give her some red love just for RAD and asked her if she would give it to "him." (she says her RAD brain is a boy).  I proceeded to pour red love into J's forehead that she was supposed to just give to RAD. 

I have been giving RAD red love every day whenever we do J's and Little J's pink love.  We have had 8 glorious days.  Like over-the-top, unbelievable, can't-believe-life-is-this-good, better-than-NT, is-this-really-my-kid days!!!  Freakily so because there hasn't even been a tiny little blip on the radar. 

Now you know the blog curses are going to get me.  I don't care.

Kristy and I always have a little 5 minute wrap up session without J after therapy.  Kristy was very proud that I thought to do this and also explained it as embracing all of her.  Just like I have so many different parts of myself and have to accept all of those parts, the good and bad, to be a whole and healthy person, so should I embrace all of J.  Let me tell you that it is HARD to tell RAD that you love it.  BUT.....by envisioning RAD as what kept her alive and helped her survive during all the trauma I can indeed embrace it.  I do NOT focus on what it's like to live with RAD or the behaviors.  Only on the fact that RAD helped my daughter survive until she came home.  For that I am grateful and I can genuinely give RAD love for protecting my child. 

So I am consciously remembering that I am so appreciative of the people in my life that ACCEPT me and LOVE me.  All of me.  The good and the bad.  It's very freeing for someone to give me this acceptance.  Why should RAD be any different?  Don't we all want to be accepted unconditionally exactly where we are right now?  Am I not grateful for the people that protected me when I was a baby?  RAD was the only "person" that protected and "saved" her from volumes of abuse.  Shouldn't I be grateful for that?  Plus I have found that the more accepting I am of myself and others the more willing they are to reciprocate.

So I've forgiven RAD and am honoring and embracing it because it saved my daughter's LIFE and I've found a way to be grateful for it.  For today anyway I am embracing RAD.  With love.

Now you can clobber me.  Respectful clobbering will be published.  Mean clobbering.....probably not. :)



The quote of the day is from an anonymous friend.  We were emailing back and forth the other day and she made some profound statements.

"We have had struggles with our daughter since she was about 2 years old (adopted at birth), and I’ve just finally reached the point of being willing to call it attachment.  Therapeutic parenting works wonders with her, and ‘typical’ discipline is a flop!"

I get the being willing to call it attachment.....being willing to call it RAD.  It's tremendously frightening to admit and define what you're living in. Truthfully it doesn't matter what you call it.... just do the right things so that the problem will get better.  Do the right thing so the child can heal.  Just do it.

Attachment Cycle

During the course of attachment therapy, over the years, we have explained to J that she has RAD and shown her a diagram of healthy attachment and unhealthy attachment cycles. It was something I was really apprehensive about at first because I didn't want J to know that anything was wrong with her or for her to label herself OR to allow her to make excuses for her behavior OR teach her to see herself as a victim. Kristy honored my wishes cause she's awesome like that but I was wrong on so many levels.  It turned out to be a big mistake on my part because once we explained it to her you could see the relief in her eyes.  She had no idea WHY she had so much trouble or WHY she was so different from other kids.  She had felt lost because she didn't understand and it only exacerbated the problem.  She got it on the first explanation.   Now we remind her on an as needed basis.  Whether it's FAS or just different levels of healing, she needs to be reminded of it.  And the light bulb goes on again for her every. single. time. 

Kristy has a chart in her office that we use to explain this to her.  A diagram of the attachment cycle to use with our kids can be found here.  I'm going to print it out and use it at home as well. It certainly can't hurt.  On the first diagram, during the explanation, we explain what are some of the needs a baby has and what the mother does to meet the needs.  The second diagram we go through what the baby needs and how the mother doesn't meet the needs.  The last diagram we go through what happens with during the 2nd year of attachment and how the child learns limits and boundaries.  Now that J is healthier and been through these explanations a gazillion times she can rattle them off all by herself.  Every time she does she gets a little better because she internalizes them each time she says them.

Just sharing what has worked for us.

Ginger Ale

Back in the fall we were in Asheville, NC to grab some pictures.  On Saturday night we discovered an eclectic, little restaurant called The Admiral.  We had to sit at the bar because we didn't have reservations.  The food was fabulous but before our food arrived the bartender/waiter handed J a glass of ginger ale to try.  Then he told us it was homemade and that they made it fresh every week and ran out of it a lot. I'm not surprised.  I had no idea that ginger ale could be that delicious.  The stuff you buy in the store is more like they waved a ginger root over a roomful of carbonated water and called it ginger ale. 

The bartender gave me a breakdown of about a dozen ingredients and I hastily scribbled them down on a napkin.  Then I lost the napkin.  AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!  I remembered bitters, cayenne pepper, fresh grated ginger, sugar, lemon juice, grated lemon zest, lime juice and zest, black pepper, and a cinnamon stick.  The rest of it is a mystery.

Alton B had a pretty good starter recipe that called for yeast so it would "carbonate".  All Recipes had another recipe where some of the commenters left some great helpful hints including adding a lot more ginger.  Here's wiki "how to".  Vegetarian Times had this recipe.  I'm scared to death of any recipe with yeast.  Yeast never works out well for me.  Ever.   So I made a combo recipe from all of the links and using all the ingredients I remembered.  Boiled the ingredients sans yeast and let it steep for one hour and strained it once cooled.  Then poured over ice (1ish - 2ish parts) and added club soda.  It is soooooo good.

Whenever I am sick I really crave ginger ale.  But I would never, ever make this recipe when I'm sick so I freeze some individual servings to keep on hand in case of emergency.  I make this recipe on regular basis.  We LOVE it!  It's not as good as the ale at The Admiral but it'll do in a pinch.

Someday I'm going to be brave and try the yeast version.  Someday......

We all know it's great for colds and stomach aches but did you know that a beverage steeped with a good amount of ginger is a more powerful pain reliever than mor phine?  I've been told that by several herbalists/health food stores so I'm taking that it's pretty true.  No wonder I like this stuff! :)

Andy and Kiara

Allow me to introduce Kiara who commented on my crunchy post last night.  In case you don't go back and read comments here it is:

I commented last night about our whipped body and hair butter, and Lisa said it's okay to share more. (Thanks, Lisa!)







We are selling our whipped body and hair butters right now as an adoption fundraiser.






If you'd like to try some, you can have a free tub if you blog, twitter, or FB about our fundraiser and I'll send you some!






Check out our family blog if you'd like to learn more.


http://www.andykiara.blogspot.com/  (or click on my pic to see my profile and link.)






Thanks! :)

There's more right here about Kiara's fab body butters and lip balms.

Homemade Crunchy Stuff

 This past 6 months has been the trying of "all things homemade".  So far it's working out wonderfully well.

In the effort to be better to the environment, better to our bodies and save money I wanted to try some homemade products.  OK...I'll be totally honest, this is in the wrong order.  It's really to SAVE money, be better to our bodies and then better to the environment.  And....truthfully I really wanted to be able to pronounce the ingredients in some of our daily product usage.  I have been more than pleasantly surprised that I LOVE all the products below BETTER than the store bought products that I used before.  They only take mere minutes to make and I don't have to shell out big bucks for things I can do simply at home.  Once I got in the groove it has turned out to be so much easier than I ever expected. 

Sheri made me get off my hiney and start making homemade laundry detergent and I LOVE it.  I still have to add a cup of bleach to our whites every couple of weeks but that's no biggy.  The stuff lasts f.o.r.e.v.e.r.
1 tablespoon for medium loads and 2 for large loads. And the price savings is huge.  It cost me about $3.00 to make enough detergent for about 6 months.  On the next batch I'm going to use Dr. Bonner's peppermint bar soap instead of Pels N aptha just to give it a try (mainly because I love peppermint).  I put off doing this forever because most of the recipes called for a 5 gallon bucket and lots of water.  I did not want to have to go out in the garage and refill a container of laundry detergent every few weeks nor did I want a 5 gallon bucket sitting in my laundry room.  Then my next stall was that I did not have any idea how the dry soap would work with my front loading washing machine.  Discovery: It works great!!  Here's another recipe from SouleMama.

Sheri is also responsible for getting me off household cleaners.  It took some convincing but we now use a spray bottle of vinegar-water and a sprinkling of baking soda to clean the fiberglass showers, sinks, toilets, dirty pans, etc., vinegar water also cleans our counter tops, windows, and mirrors as well.  It works like a charm.  To dust we use a warm damp (well wrung out) dusting cloth.  It works better than furniture polish and the damp cloth works better than those electrostatic thingys at holding the dust.  We just wash it out between rooms.

My shower is marble with clear glass doors.  Hate, hate, hate those clear glass panels.  They're a pain in the arse to clean.  Then I found a recipe (have no idea where) for a daily shower cleaner (green bottle above).  3 parts rubbing alcohol, 1 part water and about 10 drops of jet d r y.  I mist the shower walls down while they're still wet, let them sit while I dry myself off then squeegee the walls down before I get out.  Takes all of 30 seconds. Then I spray the shower floor every fews days.  I don't rinse it or wipe it down.  I also keep a bottle of bleach-water mixture (white bottle) to spray the mildew when it decides to rear it's ugly head.  I haven't had to "clean" my shower in months.  Seriously. (I think the original recipe called for 2 parts alcohol but I decided more had to be better cause that's how I roll.)

Then we move on to the no-poo.   Sarah Beam (Big Mama's daughter and just for the record they are both as beautiful, witty, charming and entertaining in real life as they are on their blogs) convinced me on to no-poo. You're going to seriously think this is crazy but I've discovered that I love it and my perpetual dandruff has disappeared.  My hair is so long and curly I haven't been able to do the homemade conditioner and am still looking for a good recipe.  For the no-poo I boil my water (to get rid of chlorine, hard water stuff, etc.) for a few minutes then dissolve my baking soda in the boiling water.  Put it on the counter to cool for a few minutes then pour in the bottle.  A bottle typically lasts me about a month.  The trick to making it work is to apply to dry hair and on the scalp only.  My routine after applying is to gently scrub my scalp then wash my face while letting the no-poo sit on my hair for a minute.  Then rinse.  Easy peasy.  The bottle on the right is apple cider vinegar-water which I use as a rinse about once every couple of weeks after conditioning.  (I only use conditioner on the ends.) Too much ACV dries my hair out but if used prudently really makes it shine.  Crunchy Betty writes about no-poo here and here.  High on Health wrote "Would you shampoo your brain?" here.

Moving on to toothpaste.  Not sure how this one is going to work out for my really sensitive teeth so more will be revealed later. This powder recipe is from Crunchy Betty who I believe got it from someone else. It's baking soda, salt and ground cloves.  It tastes delicious.  When this is gone and my peppermint oil is here (I always keep peppermint oil cause it makes everything better) I'm going to try CB's recipe here.  I didn't know that peppermint kills bacteria.  Double bonus for bad breath.

Now we're on to facial cleaners and moisturizers.  No more.  I've learned to do the Oil Cleansing Method and no longer have to buy either of those products anymore.  I had serious reservations about this because I have mixed up skin.  It's dry, oily, scaly, and acne prone.  So I had some serious doubts.  Was I ever surprised!  Seriously loving this.  Great for wrinkles, fine lines and my face feels delish.  Gotta love that.  CB did a post on it last week so rather than look up my recipe I'll point you in her direction at this post.  I've gone with the castor, avocado and apricot kernel oils with a drop or two of lavender or tea tree oil.  I do the OCM before I go to bed and only hot wash my face in the shower in the morning with no soap/cleaners.  Works like a charm.  Also, be sure and check out CB's facial masks, scrubs, lip balms, etc. She's got some great recipes.

That's enough for tonight.  Coming soon.....homemade deodorant, dishwasher detergent, body wash, ginger ale and hair color.  The hair color business could be interesting. 

Does anybody have any homemade product recipes they'd like to share?

J's Post and Mine

From Mom:
We had a great day in therapy today. We talked about J helping other RAD kids that Kristy sees.  She has a monthly group therapy with other RAD kids and she does really well with helping others.  The other kids love it too because they realize they aren't alone.  While we were talking about it I brought up the idea of doing it through J's blog and that she could talk with other RAD kids to help them figure out ways to help themselves and to turn off their RAD brains.  Then we started brainstorming and came up with a plan that if you (the Mom) could ask your child if they would like to talk to another child with RAD to help them if they are radding out on you (not if they're going to destroy the computer in the process) but if they are stuck.  Then we could set up a time and use Sk ype for the kids to talk to each other to figure out their problems.  We all thought it might be helpful but it would have to be at our (the mom's) discretion.  J could share her toolbox and give them ideas.  Hopefully it would be great for all involved.  We thought we'd give it a try.
So if any of y'all want to try it let me know and we'll see how it goes.  Guess we have nothing to lose.

J tried to get her blog up this afternoon to post this.  It didn't work and neither of us could log in.  The email we were using before isn't working anymore. At least I think it's the email we were using. It said it would send us an email to let us know the login.  So didn't work.  Ack.

From J:

Dear kids,
In case you don't know I have RAD just like you.  I would like to be able to help you if you're stuck in your RAD brain.  I know how it feels to be RAD and to be stuck and stubborn.  You're not alone. It's not a fun thing to have RAD.  Actually it's pretty miserable.  The good news is that I have a lot of tools in my toolbox and I'll be glad to share them with you.  I would like to help you get over this and learn how to feel love and trust.  I'm still learning and it gets better every day.  I used to have no good days, then I started having a few good hours, then good day and then more days.  Now I have more good days than RAD days.  If I can do it you can too!!!!!!!!!   Ask your mom if you can Sk ype with me and maybe we can help each other.  Remember you are not alone!

I also need to let you know that I'm pretty shy and may be nervous the first time we sk ype but I get over it in a few minutes.  Please be patient with me.

Sincerely,
J
♥♥♥ 

My Little Valentine

We took off after lunch making tracks for the big city. Staying in a hotel, enjoying the pool, and sushi across the street.

Taking off from school in the morning for a late breakfast, and more swimming. Heading home tomorrow after lunch with a short stop to renew my passport.

I received an I p a d for valentine's day. Trying to blog on it is really frustrating. Commenting is worse. Internet went down yesterday (and phone too but who cares about the phone???) but it's supposed to be repaired by the time we get home. Wish the I pa d keyboard matched the iph on e.

Just discovered there is no hot water in the shower! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Considering I don't think I'm clean unless scalded this is terrible. Ack!

Growing Love

I took this picture Tuesday night because it made me think that we're purposefully growing love.  We're being pushed away, stomped on, kicked, bit, spit on, peed on, pooped on, challenged in ways we did not think possible, and we still keep on planting our love, feeding it, regulating the temperature for optimum growth, nurturing it, singing to it, encouraging it, soothing it, keeping it safe and protected....we keep on growing the love.  No matter the obstacles in our path.  Sometimes we have to start over with better soil, light, conditions....but we keep on keeping on.  We do what needs to be done. 

The Love Farmers.  That's us.

The importance of growing the love in me is not lost.  This is something that I have to do to be able to grow J's love.  Feeding my soul.....photography is an important way to feed myself beauty and love.  If I'm keeping myself in the optimum growing environment beautiful things happen between my child and I.  As mother's it's a hard job to do.  There is always something else that needs to be done and we are forgotten.  We can't forget ourselves.

What are some things that you do to grow your love?

Happiness

If my kid turns you to a puddle of mush you're not the only one.  I haven't read the comments to J yet but I will when she's through with school tomorrow.  She will be thrilled.  I totally meant to do it after school today.  Yes, she did school today.  Transitions are still difficult for her so we decided in therapy to go 7 days a week for a little bit to see if it would help her.  We don't do full school days on the weekends but enough that we stay in the groove.

 Diana wrote a great post yesterday but this paragraph really hit me like a ton of bricks.  "All that crazy crap they pull isn’t about the purposely being naughty or hateful or manipulative. It is about them t trying to survive in a world they believe is out to get them. Given that perspective, what they’re doing IS perfectly logical and rational to them. Does it really make sense to punish them for that? Not really. Doing so will only increase their already off the charts fear, stress, and cortisol levels."

Do you know how long it took me to get that?  Like 3 forevers.  Seriously probably about 3.5 years.  I am so slow sometimes and it's so easy to see all the behaviors and not see what is driving it.  The really sad thing is that I probably wasn't able to internalize it until J was able to verbalize life as she saw it.  I am so hoping that she will go back to posting on her blog again.  She gets so frustrated because she has a processing disorder where she has trouble getting the thoughts from her brain to the computer keys (or pencil).  But...when she is able to express her thoughts she grows so much emotionally.  Then when she gets positive affirmations from y'all her self-esteem gets a huge boost.

I watched Op rah this week (gasp) with Goldie H awn and the topic was happiness.  They stressed many things that are great for happiness.  O challenged people to meditate for 1 minute every day for 10 days.  I've never included J in my meditations but after seeing this program I decided to give it a go.  It couldn't hurt. We sat in the strong sitting position, facing each other, with a birthday candle lit for a focus point in between us.  We did it until the candle burned about 1/4 of the way down (about 3 minutes). It was very cool.  I wrote J's meditation on a piece of paper and gave it to her.  She memorized it but kept it laying on the floor in front of her in case she forgot. Hers was "peace" (silently) on the inhale and "love" on the exhale.  Mine was (because I'm always feeling like there isn't enough of me to go around to remember to take care of me), "I'm here for me." on inhale and "I'm here for you" on exhale.  A couple of times I had to remind her to breathe from her "tummy" but she really did great.

Practicing deep breathing is really good for our kids.  It's incredibly calming and soothing for both of us.  That is when I don't get caught up in life and actually remember to do it.

From J

Dear RAD moms and RAD kids,

Thank you very much for the comments and noticing how hard I've worked on my RAD stuff.  It makes me very happy to help other RAD kids and RAD moms.  RAD moms have a really, really hard job helping their kids.  RAD kids have a really, really hard job trying to get better because they're really, really terrified even if they won't admit it.  That makes it harder for RAD moms.  Someday if they work really hard they'll be able to tell you thank you for helping them.  Maybe if they can't tell you now I'll tell you for them, "thank you for working so hard to help your kids get over RAD. Keep telling your kids that love is stronger than fear.  Love is stronger than anything in whole wide world.

I'm sorry that we make life hard on RAD moms.  We don't really mean to it's because we were hurt so much. 

I'm thinking about going to work on my blog. My mom and I'll talk about it and we'll see.  I don't like typing so my Mom typed this for me.  If I write on my blog I have to do all the typing.  I'm not crazy about that.

Ms. Corey, my mom read your blog to me.  You were so smart not to make a big production over V's "you".  She would have exploded.  You're a smart mom!  It makes me very happy that V was able to tell you she cares about you.  I know that was hard for her.  Tell V don't ever quit, it' s worth the hard work to feel love.  Love is really beautiful and you have a lot more fun when you figure out it's not so scary.

Keep hope.  We're worth it.

Sincerely,
J
♥♥♥♥♥♥