People are way too quick to suggest things to do to help. If you'd just do this or that or whatever. Hellfire people, I'm doing the very best I can and it's never enough. Nothing is changing, my kid is still pushing me away, she won't let me into her heart, the never-ending behaviors are enough to make me want to jump off a bridge, drip, drip, drip behaviors are making me lose my mind, the raging never stops, craziness is directed at me all the time, the passive aggressive drips are insane, why oh why did I ever get myself in this mess. We are constantly second guessing ourselves and racking our brains for solutions to help our kids and it seems it's never enough.
There needs to be a new word for hard work that applies to what we do as parents of trauma. Because "difficult" and "hard" just don't cut it. Maybe it should go something like this: "seriously-fricking-fracking-what-a-crapping-pisser-I-want-to-kill-people-this-motha-f*cking-shit-is-exruciating-and-I'd-rather-have-bamboo-shoots-driven-under-my-nails-than-take-this-for-one-more-second."
Friends bail, spouses don't usually take the abuse that we do so they think we're just crazy, bystanders are quick to judge, and we rarely get any support from anyone in our lives. It's a lonely and unforgiving place. Until recently, the only friends I trusted, lived in the tubes because y'all were the only ones that I could trust to be safe with my very fragile feelings.
Emotional bankruptcy comes quickly. And it is a hard, cold and lonely place to be. Then we beat ourselves up because we feel like we have failed, yet again. Ending this cycle is incredibly difficult.
Remember that phrase of "That which I accept does not control me"? Personally I don't like being controlled. So even though acceptance comes hard for me it's a dang sight better than being controlled.
So gang, I created a tapping video for all you fabulous moms who are doing the impossible every day. I had to do some rubbing on my fear of the camera but I did it. Yeah....as you're watching you'll see that I forgot some tapping points but it doesn't matter. Even bad tapping is good tapping. Just tap....
FYI: This video probably won't be up for long so download it or whatever if you want to keep it.
I've edited to add the script for this video. Change the words if necessary. Use what works for you. Email me if you have questions. LisaAmos @ payco.org
Even though I feel like I suck as a mom, I totally accept myself.
Even though I'm so stinking tired and want to quit, I totally love myself.
Even though parenting a child with RAD/trauma is the hardest thing I've ever done, I'm a totally great mom.
Even though I don't think I can take one more minute of this mess, I totally love and accept myself.
Even though I've given everything I have to give and there's nothing left to give, I love and accept myself.
Even though I don't have an ounce of patience left, I'm a totally great mom.
Even though I hate my kid right now, I totally love and accept myself.
Even though I give so much that I don't have anything left for me, I love and honor myself.
Even though I'm stressed to the max, I totally love and accept myself.
Even though my kid keeps pushing me away, I will love and honor myself.
Even though my kid hates me with every fiber of their being, today I will love and honor myself.
Even though I hate everyone who contributed to this problem, I forgive them and I forgive myself.
Even though I feel like quitting, I love and accept myself.
Even though I want to jump off a bridge right now, I'm a totally great mom.
I also recognize that love takes time.
Sometimes a lot of time.
Love doesn't happen overnight.
Sometimes it takes longer than others.
I'm clearing anything that might slow it down, even if it's me slowing it down.
Clearing the frustration
Clearing the pain
Because I've been doing the best I could
Based on my programming
and I'm clearing the programming that holds me back.
Including all this programming that says I should hurt, suffer and feel hopeless and frustrated
Sometimes I get angry, frustrated and resentful.
Sometimes I feel under appreciated by my family.
And that can be painful
I choose to clear the pain
Because that's just taking away my energy.
I choose to feel energized.
Clearing the stuff that slows me down.
I'm acknowleging the progress that I am making
and letting go of guilt and shame so I can achieve more
I'm doing myself a favor and getting better in mind, body and spirit
I'm doing the best I can
I choose to honor myelf
I choose to appreciate myself
My kid is deficient in the appreciation field.
I choose to love them anyway and I choose to love myself.
I choose to take care of myself
Doing what I need to do to take care of myself.
I'm allowing myself to feel good and to feel good about myself.
Clearing all things that don't feel good.
Doing what I need to do to make this difficult situation better.
and allowing myself to feel good in the process.
I deserve love and respect and I'm giving it to myself first.
The better care I take of myself the better care I can give others.
Feeling better in mind, body and spirit
I'm allowing myself to be whole
I'm letting go of the guilt, the shame, the anger, the resentment.
I'm choosing to feel good about myself where I am right now.
Totally loving and accepting myself as I am right now.
Take a deep breath in and let it out slowly.