We traveled all day to North Myrtle Beach. 6 1/2 hours in the car. J didn't suspect a thing since I packed in camouflage in the dark of night. ;-) But....as soon as she got in the truck she knew instantly that we were destined for the beach. This is her 5th trip to this house so it's starting to become more familiar. We have a modified routine here and she remembers it. Routines are comforting to her.
The 1st day is down and it was really a great day. Yay for both of us! J ate her weight in crab legs. She has to crack her own and she does it very well and with great persistence. She was even ok with not being able to swim because "buuuuurrrrr" it's cold here!
Thanks from a little help up north J is off the Clonid*ne and starting to act like herself again. I know she is emotionally disturbed but she was truly off her rocker with Clonid*ne and getting weirder by the minute. Yuck!
Puddin should be eating out of Astrid's hand by now. Y'all think I'm kidding. I'm not. When I'm not home that's the only way she'll eat. 3 trips to ICU proved that. Puddin has issues too....
Monday, October 20, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Witness
G has only seen probably 2 of J's meltdowns. Ever. Usually she can hold it together in front of him because well... she doesn't see him that much. Last night he was at the house for all of 5 minutes before she exploded. I could see it coming for an hour and had been trying to divert it but it didn't work. He tried to pacify her out of it for a few minutes. God love him. You know...giving explanations to all of her screams of "I want to go outside, I hate you, you're a meanie, you're an assh*le", etc.... Answering her with an explanation. It only fueled the fire but he tried. Finally when the screams hit the highest decibel he's ever heard he disappeared into thin air faster than you can whippersnapper. Honestly on a bad fit scale of 1 -10, it was probably a 2. Not too bad. I was actually impressed that it wasn't worse considering the behavior leading up to the explosion. You know how you just get that sneaking suspicion that something major is about to pop?
15 minutes later she was sound asleep and snoring up a storm. No restraints necessary as she wasn't trying to hurt herself at all this time. Just a calm loving mom singing lullabies while she rocked her baby to sleep. Note to self: do more tapping this afternoon on adoption.
He called a couple of hours later...."I just don't know why y'all can't get along." Hmmm....
Vacation could be interesting....
15 minutes later she was sound asleep and snoring up a storm. No restraints necessary as she wasn't trying to hurt herself at all this time. Just a calm loving mom singing lullabies while she rocked her baby to sleep. Note to self: do more tapping this afternoon on adoption.
He called a couple of hours later...."I just don't know why y'all can't get along." Hmmm....
Vacation could be interesting....
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Warning...Potty Humor
You know....it would probably help if I shared all the med info. Risperd*l was started in March 08 and Clonid*ne was started 10/13/08. The fart police have been off duty for about 4 months. I didn't even realize it's been that long since that's been an issue. Now it's just normal farting instead of every two seconds farting. What a relief. Oh I'm so hoping this doesn't start back up now that Clonid*ne has been added. Geez aren't you glad I covered that subject?
Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions. They were great!!! Does anybody have any experience with benefi*ber? I was on Miral*x for years (3 times daily for maybe 8 years??) back when it was only available as a prescription. Then some really smart(y) (pants) person informed me it was only one molecule different than antifreeze. Weirded me out so much I never took it again. I KNOW it doesn't work that way but it was already in my head. The DVR had already hit auto-protect and the delete button didn't work.
Trying to be excited about vacation. I haven't broken the news to J yet. She does so much better if you don't share "fun" information ahead of time. She will sabotage it every time. For that matter Puddin doesn't like advance information either. Bring out luggage and Puddin is FREAKING out! So my plan is to pack the van Sunday night. Put J in the bed, then let Puddin out the back door to play then stash the luggage as quickly as possible before I get busted. Camouflage might be necessary. Sounds like a good plan but I'll just betcha some smarty (pants) will let the cat out of the bag before I can execute.
P.S. How do you get prune juice down a kid? Any tricks to this????
Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions. They were great!!! Does anybody have any experience with benefi*ber? I was on Miral*x for years (3 times daily for maybe 8 years??) back when it was only available as a prescription. Then some really smart(y) (pants) person informed me it was only one molecule different than antifreeze. Weirded me out so much I never took it again. I KNOW it doesn't work that way but it was already in my head. The DVR had already hit auto-protect and the delete button didn't work.
Trying to be excited about vacation. I haven't broken the news to J yet. She does so much better if you don't share "fun" information ahead of time. She will sabotage it every time. For that matter Puddin doesn't like advance information either. Bring out luggage and Puddin is FREAKING out! So my plan is to pack the van Sunday night. Put J in the bed, then let Puddin out the back door to play then stash the luggage as quickly as possible before I get busted. Camouflage might be necessary. Sounds like a good plan but I'll just betcha some smarty (pants) will let the cat out of the bag before I can execute.
P.S. How do you get prune juice down a kid? Any tricks to this????
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Celebrating Ceyja
Effects
Can anyone tell me if risperd*l causes constipation? Isn't that a lovely way to open???? We've upped water intake, added grape juice, exercise and extra fiber foods in the diet but honestly it's not working much. Any advice??? I think the 4 lbs she's gained is all poop. Since she already has poop issues I try to make this a non-issue with me so it's hard to monitor.
The clonid*ne really seems to be helping her sleep better which is a really good thing even though I hate meds. J was waking up every morning with black eyes and bags. This morning there was a great improvement with the dark circles.
The good news is that J made some serious efforts with me last night. She was very helpful in the kitchen. Volunteered to do the dishes and volunteered to give me a foot rub. Yahoo!
Oh...and about this morning....I woke up to Jessi ringing the doorbell at 7:30. That 5:45 alarm meant nothing to me. It was a figment of my imagination. Can you say...rude awakening? Still cannot believe I slept that late?! I don't sleep that late on weekends and I was asleep @ 9:15 last night. What is up with that?
The clonid*ne really seems to be helping her sleep better which is a really good thing even though I hate meds. J was waking up every morning with black eyes and bags. This morning there was a great improvement with the dark circles.
The good news is that J made some serious efforts with me last night. She was very helpful in the kitchen. Volunteered to do the dishes and volunteered to give me a foot rub. Yahoo!
Oh...and about this morning....I woke up to Jessi ringing the doorbell at 7:30. That 5:45 alarm meant nothing to me. It was a figment of my imagination. Can you say...rude awakening? Still cannot believe I slept that late?! I don't sleep that late on weekends and I was asleep @ 9:15 last night. What is up with that?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Behaviors and happenings are just not bloggable these days. Sorry.
The p-doc recommends RTC. I am against that idea. She also told J that if she didn't get a grip she was headed for jail. J laughed. P-doc told her it wasn't funny. Nope. It's not. She added another drug instead of increasing risperd*l because her cholesterol was elevated. Sorry...I am not worried about her cholesterol right now. I am tired and tired of whining.
Go read Ceyja & Maia's new blog. Ceyja's Days. They have reminded me that I have no reason to whine so I'm dragging my whiny butt outta here.
The p-doc recommends RTC. I am against that idea. She also told J that if she didn't get a grip she was headed for jail. J laughed. P-doc told her it wasn't funny. Nope. It's not. She added another drug instead of increasing risperd*l because her cholesterol was elevated. Sorry...I am not worried about her cholesterol right now. I am tired and tired of whining.
Go read Ceyja & Maia's new blog. Ceyja's Days. They have reminded me that I have no reason to whine so I'm dragging my whiny butt outta here.
Friday, October 10, 2008
P.S.
Dinah just brought up a another thought. Sometimes if I have a little spare cash I'll pay for the people behind me in the drive thru. Once in the parking lot was a group of police officers talking. I got'em a bag of biscuits and took them out. They looked scared to take them. Like there might've had a bomb in the bag. Of course it could've been the no make-up, Saturday sweats and harem scarem hair. ;-)
Random Acts of Kindness
Well...I am still positive (most of me anyway) today unfortunately J didn't get the memo. Tantrums ALL. DAY. LONG. 10 minutes before bedtime she just stopped. Hmmm....
The good news is I didn't lose my cool, I won the lottery and she'll probably sleep really well. Tomorrow she'll wake up in a better mood.
Play group therapy tomorrow. Woo hoo!
Now I'm taking a different direction. Random Act of Kindness....
Just because we don't go to church right now we still do tithes. J puts so much of her chore money in her little Ziploc tithe bag and I have a percentage taken out of my check and direct deposited into a savings account labeled tithes. That direct deposit business is wonderful because I never miss it. If I got my grubby little hands on it the chances are it would be spent. Probably for therapy. ;-) I love to secretly help people that need help or have a dream they're trying to reach. It's really wonderful to do it secretly because then you have absolutely no expectations. You can't worry about them spending it on what you want them to spend it on (which is none of my business) or be expecting a thanks (which isn't necessary). Preferably I take the cash out of the account, put it in a really pretty card and just sign it "Love". No name. Nothing. It gives me the warm fuzzies all over because it was a random act of kindness.
Another random act of kindness that I used to do is send birthday cards. I'd pick an office and send anonymous birthday cards to every employee for an entire year. One office was pretty large. 100 or so employees.... I would go the Hallmark once a month and pick out birthday cards for all the people that were having birthdays for the next month. I would have a grand time picking out those cards and the process could amuse me for an hour or more if I had the time. Then I'd go write sign all the cards and have them ready to mail a few days before the person's birthday. I wouldn't sign them with my name silly! I'd put nonsensical stuff like, hoping all your dreams come true, you deserve them, etc., then I'd turn the card upside down and sign "L". My penmanship is REALLY bad so it looked nothing like an "L" once upside down. So anywho the whole year passed and I had sent everyone in the office a card. I started hearing rumors about people talking about their birthday cards and wondering who was sending them. At the end of the year a group of people at the office thought they had figured out who was sending the cards. They thought it was a guy that had retired from management about 6 months before. They threw him a huge birthday party. Isn't that cool!!!!! Random acts of kindness can make some really cool things happen.
Sometimes it's hard to be all sneaky about it but I still keep trying.... I like being sneaky.
Tomorrow I'm going to be sneaky. It'll make me feel better and some unsuspecting stranger will feel better too.
What are you going to do for your random act of kindess today?
The good news is I didn't lose my cool, I won the lottery and she'll probably sleep really well. Tomorrow she'll wake up in a better mood.
Play group therapy tomorrow. Woo hoo!
Now I'm taking a different direction. Random Act of Kindness....
Just because we don't go to church right now we still do tithes. J puts so much of her chore money in her little Ziploc tithe bag and I have a percentage taken out of my check and direct deposited into a savings account labeled tithes. That direct deposit business is wonderful because I never miss it. If I got my grubby little hands on it the chances are it would be spent. Probably for therapy. ;-) I love to secretly help people that need help or have a dream they're trying to reach. It's really wonderful to do it secretly because then you have absolutely no expectations. You can't worry about them spending it on what you want them to spend it on (which is none of my business) or be expecting a thanks (which isn't necessary). Preferably I take the cash out of the account, put it in a really pretty card and just sign it "Love". No name. Nothing. It gives me the warm fuzzies all over because it was a random act of kindness.
Another random act of kindness that I used to do is send birthday cards. I'd pick an office and send anonymous birthday cards to every employee for an entire year. One office was pretty large. 100 or so employees.... I would go the Hallmark once a month and pick out birthday cards for all the people that were having birthdays for the next month. I would have a grand time picking out those cards and the process could amuse me for an hour or more if I had the time. Then I'd go write sign all the cards and have them ready to mail a few days before the person's birthday. I wouldn't sign them with my name silly! I'd put nonsensical stuff like, hoping all your dreams come true, you deserve them, etc., then I'd turn the card upside down and sign "L". My penmanship is REALLY bad so it looked nothing like an "L" once upside down. So anywho the whole year passed and I had sent everyone in the office a card. I started hearing rumors about people talking about their birthday cards and wondering who was sending them. At the end of the year a group of people at the office thought they had figured out who was sending the cards. They thought it was a guy that had retired from management about 6 months before. They threw him a huge birthday party. Isn't that cool!!!!! Random acts of kindness can make some really cool things happen.
Sometimes it's hard to be all sneaky about it but I still keep trying.... I like being sneaky.
Tomorrow I'm going to be sneaky. It'll make me feel better and some unsuspecting stranger will feel better too.
What are you going to do for your random act of kindess today?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Less Drama
Ok...this may or may not be a rambling post. Apologies now rather than later cause you might not make it to the end.
I am projecting my thoughts on a happy, peaceful, calm child. I am going to put all my energy into these thoughts instead of worrying about the next meltdown. Secondary PTSD wants all my energy to go into projecting the next drama and it sends me into the same flight or fight that J battles. I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. GO. THERE. (today)
This morning J & I created a new set of beliefs for ourselves and read them over and over. Some of them are below:
Mine:
1. J is a normal, happy, healthy child.
2. J isable to show me love and be loved by me.
3. J is completely healed.
4. J is nice to me.
5. J is nice to Mrs. Kacak
6. I live in a calm and happy home that will be filled with peace and light.
7. I help others.
8. God & angels watch over me.
9. My home is safe.
10. We won the lottery!
J wrote her own set of beliefs in her own words:
1. I have an awesome mom.
2. I am a very good girl.
3. I can make mistakes.
4. Mom, Miss Kristy and Miss Chris help me get out my yuckies.
5. I will have a great day.
6. Mom keeps me safe.
7. All my yuckies have left.
8. My dreams came true. They are I give love and get love.
9. I am a normal 7 y/o.
10. I am magic.
11. I make good choices.
12. I play with friends.
13. I am a good friend.
14. I am nice to mom every day.
15. I love to learn.
16. I am carefree.
17. I have a happy life.
18. God & angels watch over me.
19. I love myself.
20. I show my mom I love her.
I woke up in a happy, carefree mood and expecting a loving, cheerful little girl with a great attitude instead of the dreaded wondering of what I'm going to find and what is going to be the next fight. Attitude of gratitude and great expectations. Opening her door to find exactly what I expected. A loving, cheerful little girl who had a great attitude. Who would've ever thunk it? How much of my mindset controls J's behaviors is something that is bewildering. Can she read my mind?
I am enjoying the shift so far and not thinking about what's going to happen next.
Feeling a like a celebrity with all you followers. Warm fuzzy feelings...
Christa's "I root for you everyday" and Andra's "Looking forward to walking with you..." really moved me. I would tell you I teared up (which I did) but then Torina would think I am a big wuss but I guess that's ok because she already knows it. Putting on my patience panties and waiting for the promised pictures. All the positive comments are really taken to heart and some days it's y'all that get me through.
Posted by:
Positive Lisa
I am projecting my thoughts on a happy, peaceful, calm child. I am going to put all my energy into these thoughts instead of worrying about the next meltdown. Secondary PTSD wants all my energy to go into projecting the next drama and it sends me into the same flight or fight that J battles. I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. GO. THERE. (today)
This morning J & I created a new set of beliefs for ourselves and read them over and over. Some of them are below:
Mine:
1. J is a normal, happy, healthy child.
2. J isable to show me love and be loved by me.
3. J is completely healed.
4. J is nice to me.
5. J is nice to Mrs. Kacak
6. I live in a calm and happy home that will be filled with peace and light.
7. I help others.
8. God & angels watch over me.
9. My home is safe.
10. We won the lottery!
J wrote her own set of beliefs in her own words:
1. I have an awesome mom.
2. I am a very good girl.
3. I can make mistakes.
4. Mom, Miss Kristy and Miss Chris help me get out my yuckies.
5. I will have a great day.
6. Mom keeps me safe.
7. All my yuckies have left.
8. My dreams came true. They are I give love and get love.
9. I am a normal 7 y/o.
10. I am magic.
11. I make good choices.
12. I play with friends.
13. I am a good friend.
14. I am nice to mom every day.
15. I love to learn.
16. I am carefree.
17. I have a happy life.
18. God & angels watch over me.
19. I love myself.
20. I show my mom I love her.
I woke up in a happy, carefree mood and expecting a loving, cheerful little girl with a great attitude instead of the dreaded wondering of what I'm going to find and what is going to be the next fight. Attitude of gratitude and great expectations. Opening her door to find exactly what I expected. A loving, cheerful little girl who had a great attitude. Who would've ever thunk it? How much of my mindset controls J's behaviors is something that is bewildering. Can she read my mind?
I am enjoying the shift so far and not thinking about what's going to happen next.
Feeling a like a celebrity with all you followers. Warm fuzzy feelings...
Christa's "I root for you everyday" and Andra's "Looking forward to walking with you..." really moved me. I would tell you I teared up (which I did) but then Torina would think I am a big wuss but I guess that's ok because she already knows it. Putting on my patience panties and waiting for the promised pictures. All the positive comments are really taken to heart and some days it's y'all that get me through.
Posted by:
Positive Lisa
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Small amounts of progress
And I'll take it.
The first time in almost 2 months that J didn't have to be restrained in therapy. Progress...
We talked in therapy about the fact that she's doing everything to push me away and nothing to show she loves me. Kristy helped her identify some things she could do to show me love because it's important that she learns reciprocity. Hopefully she'll really start to make some effort here. We also talked about how she should know who my best friends are, my favorite things to do, etc. By the time we left she had everything memorized.
Things are improved for right now. It might not last for 5 more minutes but for this minute there is improvement. She was very helpful making dinner. We had salmon patties, gravy and tomatoes for dinner so I told her the story of this particular dinner. It is comfort food for me. My grandmother always fixed either this meal or cornmeal gravy for me when I was a little kid (and up till I was 35 - oops! I mean 29). So now when I'm feeling sad or blue I make these and then I can feel my grandmother's love and don't feel so sad any more. So I told her when she's all grown up and feeling sad & blue she'll be able to cook these and feel my love and not be sad & blue anymore. She really liked the story and was able to relay it back to me.
We also talked about more things she can do to show me love and practiced how the key words are "Jordan, it's not all about you." and then what would happen. She also did all the dinner dishes and gave me 10 minutes on the computer while she colored. I called Connie and she's going to keep J for me on 10/18 so that I can go to the Saturday Al-Anon meeting. I cannot tell you how important that meeting is for me in that it helps me learn how to practice detachment from the situation. Many of the lessons I learned in Al-Anon are what have kept me going where others have given up. Learning it's not about me, I didn't cause, I can't control it and I can't cure it, you don't have to go to every fight you're invited to, just because someone calls you a chair doesn't mean you're a chair, detach with love and too many more to mention. Hopefully it'll work out where I can get to at least 2 a month. God bless her! Thanks to Kristy for the brilliant suggestion.
Torina, I am anxiously expecting the promised pictures. 0;-) Just because I'm feeling a little more hopeful doesn't mean you're off the hook.
To all you new folks I am so glad you're here. Even if it's just to be grateful that you're not a resident in our life. ;-) 13 Followers - you rock! Feeling really special now!
To all the faithful supporters, you're my rock, glue, calm in the storm, giggles, and sometimes snorts. Tudu your words will stay with me forever.
The first time in almost 2 months that J didn't have to be restrained in therapy. Progress...
We talked in therapy about the fact that she's doing everything to push me away and nothing to show she loves me. Kristy helped her identify some things she could do to show me love because it's important that she learns reciprocity. Hopefully she'll really start to make some effort here. We also talked about how she should know who my best friends are, my favorite things to do, etc. By the time we left she had everything memorized.
Things are improved for right now. It might not last for 5 more minutes but for this minute there is improvement. She was very helpful making dinner. We had salmon patties, gravy and tomatoes for dinner so I told her the story of this particular dinner. It is comfort food for me. My grandmother always fixed either this meal or cornmeal gravy for me when I was a little kid (and up till I was 35 - oops! I mean 29). So now when I'm feeling sad or blue I make these and then I can feel my grandmother's love and don't feel so sad any more. So I told her when she's all grown up and feeling sad & blue she'll be able to cook these and feel my love and not be sad & blue anymore. She really liked the story and was able to relay it back to me.
We also talked about more things she can do to show me love and practiced how the key words are "Jordan, it's not all about you." and then what would happen. She also did all the dinner dishes and gave me 10 minutes on the computer while she colored. I called Connie and she's going to keep J for me on 10/18 so that I can go to the Saturday Al-Anon meeting. I cannot tell you how important that meeting is for me in that it helps me learn how to practice detachment from the situation. Many of the lessons I learned in Al-Anon are what have kept me going where others have given up. Learning it's not about me, I didn't cause, I can't control it and I can't cure it, you don't have to go to every fight you're invited to, just because someone calls you a chair doesn't mean you're a chair, detach with love and too many more to mention. Hopefully it'll work out where I can get to at least 2 a month. God bless her! Thanks to Kristy for the brilliant suggestion.
Torina, I am anxiously expecting the promised pictures. 0;-) Just because I'm feeling a little more hopeful doesn't mean you're off the hook.
To all you new folks I am so glad you're here. Even if it's just to be grateful that you're not a resident in our life. ;-) 13 Followers - you rock! Feeling really special now!
To all the faithful supporters, you're my rock, glue, calm in the storm, giggles, and sometimes snorts. Tudu your words will stay with me forever.
P.S.
Just a FYI....I am really sorry that I haven't been commenting much lately on other blogs. Trying to make a concerted effort to do better but it seems I'm really stuck in the trauma and PTSD at them moment. Analysis - paralysis. Hopefully we'll pull out of this soon. Thanks to all of you for being so faithful and so supportive, even when I'm a crappy, whiney mom.
Lynn, I know you're there and yes, you can call anytime. Any distractions are welcome anytime. I stink at picking up the phone to ask for help but I will answer it if it rings. See...still a dork. ;-) BTW...I still need your new email address...hint...hint....
Lynn, I know you're there and yes, you can call anytime. Any distractions are welcome anytime. I stink at picking up the phone to ask for help but I will answer it if it rings. See...still a dork. ;-) BTW...I still need your new email address...hint...hint....
More drama
It turns out that J was fast & snappy yesterday morning because she was trying to hide pee.
While she was apologizing to Jessi for the day's indiscretions I told her to also apologize for peeing on the floor in the Reiki room. She told on herself. "I did that with you." I had suspected that but was shocked to hear her admit it. Told her that was fine. Wasn't a problem with me that she peed in that room because she had to smell it.
Patience went flying out the window. Not my proudest moment.
I let her hear me telling Daddy G that she had peed on the carpet. May have been mean but he should know. Told him we're not going to the lake this weekend because I don't want to risk her peeing on his carpet and he agreed.
Afterwards, she had to clean the carpet then wash out all the cleaning rags & her clothes outside in a bucket. Then I sent her to take a bath. She ate dinner, Chris came and did Reiki then she went straight to bed. I was still so mad I really didn't want to be around her. Now logically I know this is to be expected but it was straw on the proverbial camel's back. I think the onslaught of behaviors that are relentless each day is catching up with me and wearing me down.
The defiance is still over the top. Feeling like a really crappy mom.
While she was apologizing to Jessi for the day's indiscretions I told her to also apologize for peeing on the floor in the Reiki room. She told on herself. "I did that with you." I had suspected that but was shocked to hear her admit it. Told her that was fine. Wasn't a problem with me that she peed in that room because she had to smell it.
Patience went flying out the window. Not my proudest moment.
I let her hear me telling Daddy G that she had peed on the carpet. May have been mean but he should know. Told him we're not going to the lake this weekend because I don't want to risk her peeing on his carpet and he agreed.
Afterwards, she had to clean the carpet then wash out all the cleaning rags & her clothes outside in a bucket. Then I sent her to take a bath. She ate dinner, Chris came and did Reiki then she went straight to bed. I was still so mad I really didn't want to be around her. Now logically I know this is to be expected but it was straw on the proverbial camel's back. I think the onslaught of behaviors that are relentless each day is catching up with me and wearing me down.
The defiance is still over the top. Feeling like a really crappy mom.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Therapy
Adoption stuff is really setting J off and the Jesus incident isn't helping. Therapy was very challenging yesterday as J spent most of the time spitting, biting, hitting, kicking, raging and trying to hurt herself. *heavy sigh*
After dinner last night I spent time doing crazy stuff. Like leading her around by her hand in circles with no purpose, spinning her around, etc. Eventually I was able to get her to do some baby time and it seemed to improve her mood. While she was putting her dishes up she did tell me that "she did NOT want my love". No shocker there. She is RAD. Love is scary to a radish. Love equals pain to her, so even though she REALLY WANTS MY LOVE at her core, her survival self says "push away" or I will die.
This morning she did exceptionally well. Very fast & snappy girl. Made it through breakfast with time to spare and almost had time to ride her bike before Jessi got there. Woo hoo!
As of 8:16 this morning she was spitting on Jessi, raging, screaming obscenitites, etc.
After dinner last night I spent time doing crazy stuff. Like leading her around by her hand in circles with no purpose, spinning her around, etc. Eventually I was able to get her to do some baby time and it seemed to improve her mood. While she was putting her dishes up she did tell me that "she did NOT want my love". No shocker there. She is RAD. Love is scary to a radish. Love equals pain to her, so even though she REALLY WANTS MY LOVE at her core, her survival self says "push away" or I will die.
This morning she did exceptionally well. Very fast & snappy girl. Made it through breakfast with time to spare and almost had time to ride her bike before Jessi got there. Woo hoo!
As of 8:16 this morning she was spitting on Jessi, raging, screaming obscenitites, etc.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Meltdowns, nightmares, etc.
Fun oh fun I am telling you.
Anniversary dates are triggers we're already dealing with. Friday night, the sitter (without my knowledge or permission) talked with J about her bad choices and how Jesus died on the cross with nails in his feet and hands for her bad choices. Oh boy have we got problems now. Night terrors 3 or 4 times a night. Saturday morning telling me she is terrified of Jesus and that she's going to die with nails in her because of all her bad choices. I don't know this for a fact but my intuition tells me that she was "punished" with religion in another home.
Saturday was really terrible. Fit after fit after fit. We went to the lake against my better judgment. I told J if there was one step out of bounds we were going home. She held it together the whole time and by the time we got home I was starting to be able to stand being around her again.
This morning I asked her what she had to do after she made her bed. She replied, I don't want to tell you, blah, blah, blah... I went upstairs. Sneaking suspicion when she came up. Smelled her hands. Hadn't been washed. Asked if she did and she said yes. Went back downstairs to check it out. Before we got to the bathroom I told her now was the time to tell me if she lied. Yes she did. Asked her if she flushed and she said no. Flushed and washed but did a sorry job washing and wouldn't (refused) sing the ABC song. Got a book and told her that was fine. I'd wait. Huffed off to her room. Trying to hurt herself again so had to restrain. Then she went back and did it right. Came upstairs and couldn't get her teeth brushed, hair brushed, etc. Finally made it to strong sitting. Took 3 tries before she was able. At 7:30 when Jessi got there she was still doing strong sitting.
Jessi called and said she was refusing to do anything she tells her. The last I heard she is back in Reiki room and Jessi was going to give her a bit to calm down.
Lunch provided more calls on more defiance, shoving, growling, talking in a different voice, etc. Therapy @ 4.
On top of all this...I, like Tudu, am having nightmares. Ugh!
Anniversary dates are triggers we're already dealing with. Friday night, the sitter (without my knowledge or permission) talked with J about her bad choices and how Jesus died on the cross with nails in his feet and hands for her bad choices. Oh boy have we got problems now. Night terrors 3 or 4 times a night. Saturday morning telling me she is terrified of Jesus and that she's going to die with nails in her because of all her bad choices. I don't know this for a fact but my intuition tells me that she was "punished" with religion in another home.
Saturday was really terrible. Fit after fit after fit. We went to the lake against my better judgment. I told J if there was one step out of bounds we were going home. She held it together the whole time and by the time we got home I was starting to be able to stand being around her again.
This morning I asked her what she had to do after she made her bed. She replied, I don't want to tell you, blah, blah, blah... I went upstairs. Sneaking suspicion when she came up. Smelled her hands. Hadn't been washed. Asked if she did and she said yes. Went back downstairs to check it out. Before we got to the bathroom I told her now was the time to tell me if she lied. Yes she did. Asked her if she flushed and she said no. Flushed and washed but did a sorry job washing and wouldn't (refused) sing the ABC song. Got a book and told her that was fine. I'd wait. Huffed off to her room. Trying to hurt herself again so had to restrain. Then she went back and did it right. Came upstairs and couldn't get her teeth brushed, hair brushed, etc. Finally made it to strong sitting. Took 3 tries before she was able. At 7:30 when Jessi got there she was still doing strong sitting.
Jessi called and said she was refusing to do anything she tells her. The last I heard she is back in Reiki room and Jessi was going to give her a bit to calm down.
Lunch provided more calls on more defiance, shoving, growling, talking in a different voice, etc. Therapy @ 4.
On top of all this...I, like Tudu, am having nightmares. Ugh!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Assistance Please
Can anyone tell me where to find some really cool web award thingys like on the right side of my blog? I'd to peruse some and have exhausted all efforts to find them. I must be googling the wrong thing.
Rattling - Edited
Yes Jill she was sound asleep in her bed and I totally believe you on the vases & books because I've seen a lot of things lately that most people would never believe unless they were there. Heck...I wouldn't believe it either.
Night out....not only am I going to see one movie...I am going to see two!!!! I've NEVER done that before. Connie suggested it because she's brilliant like that. My tired brain would've never come up with that idea. Hoping my squirmy self can sit still that long, then on the other hand, I'm hoping I don't fall asleep from exhaustion. The Women & Nights in Rodanthe here we come...
Tudu...I wish we lived closer cause I'd so give you a night off...Torina...I am going to try to figure out that follower business. I gave it a half-hearted look one day, got discouraged and quit so now I'm going to be more diligent. Awesome mom Gerri, God bless her, already figured it out and added me. Maybe you can give me some tips Gerri...wink...wink. CJ thanks for the shout out. I think that bonding time is soooo important even with the older kids (even with that thing I won't mention anymore cause I promised). I have to use winking games to get J to stay focused on my eyes. I wink once she winks once. I wink twice she winks twice and so on. Sometimes I tell her the story of how she came to be my daughter, other times I just tell her how much I love her and specific things that I love about her (her sense of humor, being stubborn ;-), her toes, etc.
Dreaming of 4:00.....
Look! I figured out that Follower business. That was easy....Now just hoping I have some more followers...hint...hint....looking for the warm fuzzies.....
Cool that people can follow anonymously too. Priscilla, Lynn, and you other cool people....that means you too ;-)
Night out....not only am I going to see one movie...I am going to see two!!!! I've NEVER done that before. Connie suggested it because she's brilliant like that. My tired brain would've never come up with that idea. Hoping my squirmy self can sit still that long, then on the other hand, I'm hoping I don't fall asleep from exhaustion. The Women & Nights in Rodanthe here we come...
Tudu...I wish we lived closer cause I'd so give you a night off...Torina...I am going to try to figure out that follower business. I gave it a half-hearted look one day, got discouraged and quit so now I'm going to be more diligent. Awesome mom Gerri, God bless her, already figured it out and added me. Maybe you can give me some tips Gerri...wink...wink. CJ thanks for the shout out. I think that bonding time is soooo important even with the older kids (even with that thing I won't mention anymore cause I promised). I have to use winking games to get J to stay focused on my eyes. I wink once she winks once. I wink twice she winks twice and so on. Sometimes I tell her the story of how she came to be my daughter, other times I just tell her how much I love her and specific things that I love about her (her sense of humor, being stubborn ;-), her toes, etc.
Dreaming of 4:00.....
Look! I figured out that Follower business. That was easy....Now just hoping I have some more followers...hint...hint....looking for the warm fuzzies.....
Cool that people can follow anonymously too. Priscilla, Lynn, and you other cool people....that means you too ;-)
Thursday, October 2, 2008
We're still hanging in there. Therapy revealed some of what is going on is the 2nd anniversary is coming up. Has it really been two years???? What did I do with all my time before? It's all a distant memory.
I have been kicked in the face, spit on, bit, etc... for the last few days. Trying to project normalcy and picturing what life would look like when this passes. It will pass...
Tomorrow night I have an evening off with my friend Connie. Yahoo! Going to see The Women. I don't care if the movie stinks. Just need to get out of the house for a bit. Torina, I'm hoping you and JB have as much fun as I'm going to.
I have been kicked in the face, spit on, bit, etc... for the last few days. Trying to project normalcy and picturing what life would look like when this passes. It will pass...
Tomorrow night I have an evening off with my friend Connie. Yahoo! Going to see The Women. I don't care if the movie stinks. Just need to get out of the house for a bit. Torina, I'm hoping you and JB have as much fun as I'm going to.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Crazy Straws
The harping about the importance of a RAD child "sucking" "with their cheecks" on a bottle is about to end. I promise. I remembered from somewhere that it can be helpful for them to use a crazy straw like you will see here. Because of yet again, the sucking motion. Now why I did not figure out that J had to "suck" on the bottle is still beyond me. Brain fart I suppose. So now I'm incorporating the crazy straws back onto the dinner table. We did it for about a month a year or so ago but I am dragging them back out of the booby-trapped drawer in the kitchen.
Really increasing J's baby time right now as she is still struggling and it seems to be very calming and soothing to her. G seems to think it's ridiculous and will not even sit in the same room while we have baby time but that's ok too. Reading to her while she's soaking in a salt/soda bath is calming as well. She sleeps soooo much better after a salt/soda bath. That is 1 lb sea salt and 1 lb baking soda which is about 2 cups of each.
Friday and yesterday were especially hard but trudging through as best we can.
Really increasing J's baby time right now as she is still struggling and it seems to be very calming and soothing to her. G seems to think it's ridiculous and will not even sit in the same room while we have baby time but that's ok too. Reading to her while she's soaking in a salt/soda bath is calming as well. She sleeps soooo much better after a salt/soda bath. That is 1 lb sea salt and 1 lb baking soda which is about 2 cups of each.
Friday and yesterday were especially hard but trudging through as best we can.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Post Therapy
While therapy was a challenge yesterday...A. Big. Challenge. Great improvements since though. Count them...5 restraints. J was pretty scared too. Both of us and I am sure, Kristy too, were very tired afterwards. At the end it is customary for J to thank Kristy for helping her get the yuckies out yesterday she added..."Thank you for holding me too" because she was trying to hurt herself so much.
Home for lots of baby time with warm, chocolate, goat milk after a salt/soda bath. She was exhausted, as was I. After she was tucked in I fell in the bed shortly thereafter. Pooped puppy I was.... Could've slept till noon.
I prescribed lots of laughter to Jessi this morning as laughter always makes it harder for the yuckies to stick. More unschooling going on too and she has no idea that she is learning so much. Sssshhhh...it's a secret....don't tell her or she'll quit.
The fairy came to sprinkle her last night so she was very quickly enamored this morning when she saw all the fairy dust. That darn fairy! She just shows up out of nowhere! ;-)
She is getting better at her yoga poses that Kristy suggested to help her find her center. Mountain is easy of course but the tree pose is much harder. For me too...but I am learning that you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks!
Thanks to each of you for all of your support. You really don't know how much I appreciate all of you. It's hard living in a RAD world at times but having great friends like you helps heaps!
Home for lots of baby time with warm, chocolate, goat milk after a salt/soda bath. She was exhausted, as was I. After she was tucked in I fell in the bed shortly thereafter. Pooped puppy I was.... Could've slept till noon.
I prescribed lots of laughter to Jessi this morning as laughter always makes it harder for the yuckies to stick. More unschooling going on too and she has no idea that she is learning so much. Sssshhhh...it's a secret....don't tell her or she'll quit.
The fairy came to sprinkle her last night so she was very quickly enamored this morning when she saw all the fairy dust. That darn fairy! She just shows up out of nowhere! ;-)
She is getting better at her yoga poses that Kristy suggested to help her find her center. Mountain is easy of course but the tree pose is much harder. For me too...but I am learning that you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks!
Thanks to each of you for all of your support. You really don't know how much I appreciate all of you. It's hard living in a RAD world at times but having great friends like you helps heaps!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
It's Wednesday!!!!
Yesterday J did well all day with Jessi then as soon as I walked in the door....BOOM! Restraint time again. Really upping the ante for her and keeping her right by my side All.The.Time.
Well...the good news is J did well in the Reiki session last night and this morning was started without a restraint. Yeah! Salt/baking soda bath and baby time after session.
I am always excited about Wednesday's because it's THERAPY DAY!!! Woo hoo! Doing a little happy dance! A big session is planned today. Chris is coming to do Reiki and we'll start the session off with all 3 of us doing Reiki on her. I just dropped off the Reiki table at Kristy's office so that J won't have a clue.
There's alot I can't explain here but I am asking you to trust me and to pray that a large amount of yuckies will turn loose and leave today. Praying for miracles and expecting them.
Well...the good news is J did well in the Reiki session last night and this morning was started without a restraint. Yeah! Salt/baking soda bath and baby time after session.
I am always excited about Wednesday's because it's THERAPY DAY!!! Woo hoo! Doing a little happy dance! A big session is planned today. Chris is coming to do Reiki and we'll start the session off with all 3 of us doing Reiki on her. I just dropped off the Reiki table at Kristy's office so that J won't have a clue.
There's alot I can't explain here but I am asking you to trust me and to pray that a large amount of yuckies will turn loose and leave today. Praying for miracles and expecting them.
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