Cause you asked...

Twilight....oh how I loved the Twilight series. You on the other hand might hate Twilight. Kristina is not a fan. Yet, she's the reason I read them. I had never heard of them but I was stalking Kristina and read her review and then I saw her little avatar or whatever you call that thingy. Perusing a book store (one of my favorite places to hang out) one day I picked up a copy and read the little jacket. Hmmm.... I put it down because I didn't want to read about vampires. It was too scary. More perusing....then I went back and picked it up, marched myself up to the counter and paid good money for the "scary" book.




Early riser that I am I started reading it before everyone else got up. 50 pages in and I was committed. 100 pages in and I couldn't stop. 200 pages and I was reading while I was cooking dinner. That was a little scary in itself. Before I went to sleep that night I was finished with all 500 pages. 10 days later I had read the entire series.




If you're looking for a scary book, this is not it. If you're looking for trashy romance this is not it. It's all nice and clean and stuff, not even any foul language. But it drew me in and kept me hanging on every word. BTW: They're very nice vampires.




Then I found out it was written for teenage girls. And 29 y/o girls (I wish). Yup I love a teenage secret romance book.




I was going to give the set to my other kid who's 27 (and a Language Arts teacher at an alternative school and yep...I'm still 29). So I casually mentioned it to her in an effort to fish. She's read the whole thing and loved it. She is a very discriminating and voracious reader. (There went that Christmas idea.) So now we have a date for the movie in November. Usually I don't like to watch the movie after I've read the book because it just spoils it for me. The movie in my head is usually so much better. But I'll never turn down a date with my oldest. She's the bomb!





First I loaned it to our AT who thought it was just silly. The next night she called to tell me to hurry up she was almost ready for the next book. Then I brought it to work and got all my employees hooked on it. Then I loaned it to Connie and she was rushing my co-workers to hurry up so she could have the next book. It was a real book chasing event around here for a while as everyone was tapping their fingers impatiently waiting on the next book. Now my mom has started it. Luckily no one else is reading it at the moment so the book chasing is over for the moment.




I thought the only reason I liked it was because I had only read therapeutic parenting books, cd's, etc for the last 2+ years. Evidently not so since it has really been making it's rounds around here.

Nah...don't read it...you won't like it......don't waste your time. Boring.

I am loving that little gun totin/cigar smokin/angel pup avatar up there. That is just the cutest thing ever Tracee. How do you get those things????





Still working down my list and Torina's chicken rocked the house.

Whew!

Cindy's back. I was so worried about her. She is as faithful as the sun rising in the east about blogging every day so when she doesn't show up it makes me worry. Please include this family in your thoughts.

Thanks to all of you I have many new things to try this weekend for the recharging of mom batteries. Tonight it is Saffron Chicken thanks to Torina.

Manicure at lunch today. Heavenly.

After saffron chicken it will be a salt/soda bath. 1lb of sea salt and 1lb of baking soda (p.s. if you do this at home you need to dissolve the salt in hot water before pouring in the tub, then dissolve the soda in hot water and pour in the tub. It cools the water off too much if you don't mix before and if you mix them together to try to dissolve they have a chemical reaction and the salt won't dissolve. I learned this the hard way). Then I'll be all relaxed and will sleep like a baby.

Tomorrow I'm having a girl night out with my friend Connie. Yahoo! No kid talk allowed!

Once upon a mattress book for the weekend. I sure do hate that I finished the Twilight series. Dang it.

A walk in the woods around the house. There's a little waterfall at the bottom of my property that I need to go visit.

Going to commit a random act of kindness for someone and I think I know who it is and what I'm going to do. I'm just in the plotting stages now.

Catch up on the DVR list. Dr. McDreamy, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters here I come.

Some time or another I'm going to watch P.S. I Love You or August Rush again because I think I need a good cry. FaerieMama made me cry with her comment last night and really touched me. Maybe I'll feel better and have some stress relief if I just let it all hang out. I hate crying because I am a really ugly crier. Yuck! Puffy eyes, can't breathe, can't see for 2 days kind of crier. Double yuck! On the other hand I've been having chest pains lately so maybe this will stop them too. Much rather cry than have a heart attack.

Some time I've got to implement # 3 on Gerri's list. Wait this is about my batteries. Next week I'll work on that.

Y'all are the best! If you think of other self-care things please let me know. I'm keeping all of them and putting them on the fridge so that I'll remember to actually do them before I go splat!

Positive Mom

Positive mom is back. Going to try to keep her here.

I was the recipient of the most wonderful backrub last night from a random act of kindness committed by J. Now I've got to put up the board for the scavenger hunt posted by Brenda. What a great idea! Perhaps Jessi could do one too.

Last night my "new" (2 y/o) fabulous laptop decided to poop out on me. All those times I said I was going to back up and didn't....I think I'm going to pay for that. =(

Made it through a funeral yesterday by staring at a picture of Puddin to keep me from crying. Afraid if I started it might never stop. Don't have time for that right now. Started a list of all the nice things I'm going to do for myself over the weekend to recover from emotional fatigue.

What are some of the things you do to take care of yourself? I could use some help on my list please.

Tracee, if you will please comment again I'll email you some info.

Have a blessed day!

Who knew it would be so hard to revise

I deleted the other post and put the revised version here.
I must be feeling a little sensitive today. Isn't it amazing that you can get 10 positives and one negative can just suck the life out of you. It's like all I can hear in my head. Blech!

It's so easy to judge a mess of words on a page. It's easy to judge anyone or anything if you don't live with it. No matter how much we try to show the big picture it doesn't work. You have to live and breathe it 24/7 to get it. Believe it or not I don't share everything here. I can't blog about half the behaviors because I am not ok with sharing this information. Besides I'm not near as eloquent or funny as all you dear cyber friends and I have never once claimed to be a great communicator. I would say that I wish you could get inside my head but I think you'd just get dizzy in the swirling mess. I know I do.

There is a distinct severity level to J's RAD not to mention all the traumas and the moves and all the families that couldn't live with her behaviors. There is a spectrum to RAD. Helen Keller is on one end of the spectrum, then there's lots of middle ground, on the other end is Ted B*ndy, Jeffrey Dahm*r, etc.. Unfortunately J is on the far end. I knew this before I got her. Her s/w and GAL deemed her a seri*l killer at 3. Evaluations by psychologists and psychiatrists printed it out in black and white. They wanted to move her into a RTC and to consider her unadoptable. I saw hope and begged for her. I admit there was some whining in there too. ;-)

The rules are always the same and have been the same for 2 years and 5 days. Consequences on the other hand change constantly. What works today probably won't work tomorrow. It's just a fact. For instance, this morning I gave her a small stuffed mouse that I filled up with my pink love to use as a transition piece. During the day when she's with her homeschool teacher if she misses me all she has to do is hold the mouse and she can feel my love. This is done hoping she will transition better with her teacher today instead of torturing her, trying to kill her, etc. Will it work today? It has so far. Will it work tomorrow. Very doubtful. This afternoon if she is self-mutilating again I will tell her to run along to the bathroom and pick to her hearts content for 5 minutes. She will quit self-mutilating for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow I will have to come up with something different because it won't work anymore. Tomorrow I will re-invent the wheel because that's what RAD moms do. Every. Day.

My expectations have changed. I really thought lots of bonding, therapy, therapeutic parenting and tons of love would make all this anger dissipate and she would be just a normal little girl. I have lowered my expectations but my hopes are still high.

We have had 3 different RAD specialized therapists say that we need an in-home, full-time therapist living with us. J still sleeps with an alarm on her door, Puddin & I sleep behind double locked doors.

28 homes before age 5 and the longest she ever made it was 9 months. These were all 2 parent homes. Most homes couldn't sustain the abuse for more than 2 months. One home couldn't take it after 24 hours. She was 3 at that time. She has been subjected to traumas that would bring seasoned adults to their knees in a quivering mess. She is a fighter. She had to be. Every day existence was life or death. Literally in every sense of the word.

Tonight I watched last week's episode of ER. Part of the storyline was about a little girl who tried to kill her sister. It was amazingly and fearfully familiar.

Don't get me wrong...there has been a vast amount of improvement and I am so beyond happy for her. At some point she has to want to get better. I still have hope that she will make more progress. I love her to pieces and I want only the best for her. I try and I try and I try because I believe she can make it. Many times I see glimpses of a heart. I know it's there. A sweet little soul trying to get out. I believe she's in there. It's just too scary to trust because when you've been through trauma, after trauma, after trauma you do tend to lose faith. I'm keeping the faith for her until she can claim it for her own. I am her mother forever even though she doesn't want me. She is my daughter forever no matter what she does.

I didn't want to lose everyone's comments so I've listed them here: (Tracee, I'll email you tomorrow.)
9 comments:
The Cunninghams said...
WOW!
I am so proud of you. I do not see how anyone can find fault in you parenting. You are doing the darn near impossible.

October 28, 2008 2:52 PM
Jillene said...
WOW!! That made me cry--especially the last 2 lines!! You are AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING!! J is VERY lucky to have you!!

October 28, 2008 3:00 PM
Alyssa's Mom said...
It takes all kind of ignorant people to judge others.

You my dear are a cut above!

Stay strong and do what you know is right!

Love,
Me

October 28, 2008 3:19 PM
Kristina P. said...
Oh, Lisa. How heartbreaking. I have working with kids who I know will be sociopaths when they get older. It's no one's fault, and it's not fair, but hopefully, they can experience a little bit of love in their lives.

October 28, 2008 3:49 PM
Dinah said...
reading your stories reminded me of the nancy thomas training i went to last year. you are one brave, strong woman! and it must be the most difficult thing in the world to set aside one set expections for another. you are doing right by J and she deserves that...and you deserve the respect of so many people.

October 28, 2008 4:54 PM
marythemom said...
Big hugs from your Texas friend (and everything is bigger in Texas so that's huge!)! I know you are an amazing mom, as do most of the commenters, but as Viv says in Pretty Woman, "It's easier to believe the bad stuff." (or something like that).

Focus on your progress with J (and it is immense), if not for you, where would she be now? You did not break her, you cannot mend her perfectly, but she (and many other people, including me) is/are better for having known you. You are doing the best you know how and that is better than good enough!

Know that you have my ultimate admiration! I know that I am only half the mother that you are (and I still count my kids lucky). I have a husband and a mom that lives close by - I don't know how you do it alone. You rock!

Love,
Mary

October 28, 2008 5:14 PM
Tracee said...
What a shocking, frightening, heartbreaking story. I wish only the best for you both. No matter what, you have improved J's life.

I'm curious about something (tell me if it's none of my business): how did a single woman with presumably no parenting experience get workers to agree to let you adopt a child with so many challenges? The only reason I ask is because I'm also single and trying to adopt from foster care and my worker is very cautious about what I should attempt to take on behavior-wise. Other workers have also mentioned my lack of parenting experience and the fact that I have no support from a second parent. I'm not even looking at the kids with lots of behavioral issues or diagnosed psychiatric problems either. Just wondering how this happened the way it did for you and J.

October 28, 2008 5:31 PM
Thorn said...
Oh, Lisa, that's a heartbreaking story and I know it's still only a small bit of your reality. You're totally inspiring and it's very clear that no matter how far J can eventually go into the light, you've been and incredible force for good in her life.

October 28, 2008 6:26 PM
Ashley said...
I'm new to your blog and your life, but I have to say- I'm stunned and filled with respect.

October 28, 2008 7:53 PM

Scattered Post

It is good to be home. J really did well at the beach. No meltdowns, took re-direction, and we all had a lot of fun. Then we got home. Yuck.

Maybe stubborn just lives here in my house. Maybe if we move to the beach the stubborn won't follow us. Hum....... Fat chance but at least it was a week of less hatefulness, stubbornness, spitting, growling. I'll take it.

Torina posted about a day with J. How'd she do that????

J doesn't have FAS. That is according to the tests done in two different states by 4 different doctors. But Kari posted a You T that looks glaringly familiar.

I use a gamut of BC, NT, Katharine Leslie, Karyn Purvis, L & L, Keck, lots of love, bonding activities, sensory integration therapies, AT, Reiki, lots of omega's, and a host of other things. Teaching life skills is big on our list because even though she is off the charts intelligent she refuses to learn anything academic. Oh and BTW she can memorize a vast amount of information verbatim and remember tiny details of things we did 2 years ago or 2 days ago.

I truly believe she has a lot more control than she would like me to believe. She can hold it together for periods of time (hint: beach) then she'll revert back to 2 y/o behavior when she doesn't get her way. "I don't want to!" "It's too hard for me." "You're a big weiner assh*le." (No she did not learn this language in my house. She came here at 5 with the mouth of a sailor.) Then whining enters the game and it's the kind that would make fingernails on a chalkboard sound appealing.

Today I was a crappy mom. I yelled. Loudly. It was not pretty. MANY things happened and then the straw on the camel's back. J refused to put on her seat belt so I pulled over to wait (this has not happened since she first got here) G was in the car ahead of us and after we had pulled over twice he pulled over too. Told J no problem we could sit here all day and then she started beating the seats, kicking with her feet, screaming, etc. After she put it on the second time we were able to move. I passed G on the road from where he had pulled over. He called. G, "y'all quit arguing now. I can tell you're arguing." Yeah, I'm arguing. Right. I am trying to be a parent. I am ticked with both of them now.

When we got home I put myself in time-out. When I went in to chat with J. I told her the jig was up. It is so fine with me if she wants to be disrespectful, call me names, refuse to obey household rules, throw fits, etc. Not a problem at all. Because....every time she commits a household felony I get a toy, book, clothes or whatever I want of hers. No big deal, I won't yell, get angry, argue with her or get into a control battle. I'll just walk to the toy box. So far this is working. I have 3 small items that have been paid for retribution. Do I think it'll work over the long haul? I doubt it. One thing I do know is I have to keep changing it up. Today she loves her toys and doesn't want to lose them. Tomorrow she won't care. Such is RAD.

I love my munchkin, warts and all...just some days I don't like her very much. This just happens to be one of those days. Tomorrow is another day.

Sorry for being so negative or sounding harsh to all the non-RAD parents.

Day One

We traveled all day to North Myrtle Beach. 6 1/2 hours in the car. J didn't suspect a thing since I packed in camouflage in the dark of night. ;-) But....as soon as she got in the truck she knew instantly that we were destined for the beach. This is her 5th trip to this house so it's starting to become more familiar. We have a modified routine here and she remembers it. Routines are comforting to her.

The 1st day is down and it was really a great day. Yay for both of us! J ate her weight in crab legs. She has to crack her own and she does it very well and with great persistence. She was even ok with not being able to swim because "buuuuurrrrr" it's cold here!

Thanks from a little help up north J is off the Clonid*ne and starting to act like herself again. I know she is emotionally disturbed but she was truly off her rocker with Clonid*ne and getting weirder by the minute. Yuck!

Puddin should be eating out of Astrid's hand by now. Y'all think I'm kidding. I'm not. When I'm not home that's the only way she'll eat. 3 trips to ICU proved that. Puddin has issues too....

Witness

G has only seen probably 2 of J's meltdowns. Ever. Usually she can hold it together in front of him because well... she doesn't see him that much. Last night he was at the house for all of 5 minutes before she exploded. I could see it coming for an hour and had been trying to divert it but it didn't work. He tried to pacify her out of it for a few minutes. God love him. You know...giving explanations to all of her screams of "I want to go outside, I hate you, you're a meanie, you're an assh*le", etc.... Answering her with an explanation. It only fueled the fire but he tried. Finally when the screams hit the highest decibel he's ever heard he disappeared into thin air faster than you can whippersnapper. Honestly on a bad fit scale of 1 -10, it was probably a 2. Not too bad. I was actually impressed that it wasn't worse considering the behavior leading up to the explosion. You know how you just get that sneaking suspicion that something major is about to pop?

15 minutes later she was sound asleep and snoring up a storm. No restraints necessary as she wasn't trying to hurt herself at all this time. Just a calm loving mom singing lullabies while she rocked her baby to sleep. Note to self: do more tapping this afternoon on adoption.

He called a couple of hours later...."I just don't know why y'all can't get along." Hmmm....

Vacation could be interesting....

Warning...Potty Humor

You know....it would probably help if I shared all the med info. Risperd*l was started in March 08 and Clonid*ne was started 10/13/08. The fart police have been off duty for about 4 months. I didn't even realize it's been that long since that's been an issue. Now it's just normal farting instead of every two seconds farting. What a relief. Oh I'm so hoping this doesn't start back up now that Clonid*ne has been added. Geez aren't you glad I covered that subject?

Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions. They were great!!! Does anybody have any experience with benefi*ber? I was on Miral*x for years (3 times daily for maybe 8 years??) back when it was only available as a prescription. Then some really smart(y) (pants) person informed me it was only one molecule different than antifreeze. Weirded me out so much I never took it again. I KNOW it doesn't work that way but it was already in my head. The DVR had already hit auto-protect and the delete button didn't work.

Trying to be excited about vacation. I haven't broken the news to J yet. She does so much better if you don't share "fun" information ahead of time. She will sabotage it every time. For that matter Puddin doesn't like advance information either. Bring out luggage and Puddin is FREAKING out! So my plan is to pack the van Sunday night. Put J in the bed, then let Puddin out the back door to play then stash the luggage as quickly as possible before I get busted. Camouflage might be necessary. Sounds like a good plan but I'll just betcha some smarty (pants) will let the cat out of the bag before I can execute.

P.S. How do you get prune juice down a kid? Any tricks to this????

Celebrating Ceyja

This picture of Puddin is just for Ceyja to celebrate her new blog. Welcome to blogging Ceyja. I am so glad you're here and look forward to getting to know you better. Your sister, Maia, is pretty cool too but don't tell her I said that! ;-) It'll be our little secret!

Effects

Can anyone tell me if risperd*l causes constipation? Isn't that a lovely way to open???? We've upped water intake, added grape juice, exercise and extra fiber foods in the diet but honestly it's not working much. Any advice??? I think the 4 lbs she's gained is all poop. Since she already has poop issues I try to make this a non-issue with me so it's hard to monitor.

The clonid*ne really seems to be helping her sleep better which is a really good thing even though I hate meds. J was waking up every morning with black eyes and bags. This morning there was a great improvement with the dark circles.

The good news is that J made some serious efforts with me last night. She was very helpful in the kitchen. Volunteered to do the dishes and volunteered to give me a foot rub. Yahoo!

Oh...and about this morning....I woke up to Jessi ringing the doorbell at 7:30. That 5:45 alarm meant nothing to me. It was a figment of my imagination. Can you say...rude awakening? Still cannot believe I slept that late?! I don't sleep that late on weekends and I was asleep @ 9:15 last night. What is up with that?

Behaviors and happenings are just not bloggable these days. Sorry.

The p-doc recommends RTC. I am against that idea. She also told J that if she didn't get a grip she was headed for jail. J laughed. P-doc told her it wasn't funny. Nope. It's not. She added another drug instead of increasing risperd*l because her cholesterol was elevated. Sorry...I am not worried about her cholesterol right now. I am tired and tired of whining.

Go read Ceyja & Maia's new blog. Ceyja's Days. They have reminded me that I have no reason to whine so I'm dragging my whiny butt outta here.

P.S.

Dinah just brought up a another thought. Sometimes if I have a little spare cash I'll pay for the people behind me in the drive thru. Once in the parking lot was a group of police officers talking. I got'em a bag of biscuits and took them out. They looked scared to take them. Like there might've had a bomb in the bag. Of course it could've been the no make-up, Saturday sweats and harem scarem hair. ;-)

Random Acts of Kindness

Well...I am still positive (most of me anyway) today unfortunately J didn't get the memo. Tantrums ALL. DAY. LONG. 10 minutes before bedtime she just stopped. Hmmm....

The good news is I didn't lose my cool, I won the lottery and she'll probably sleep really well. Tomorrow she'll wake up in a better mood.
Play group therapy tomorrow. Woo hoo!

Now I'm taking a different direction. Random Act of Kindness....
Just because we don't go to church right now we still do tithes. J puts so much of her chore money in her little Ziploc tithe bag and I have a percentage taken out of my check and direct deposited into a savings account labeled tithes. That direct deposit business is wonderful because I never miss it. If I got my grubby little hands on it the chances are it would be spent. Probably for therapy. ;-) I love to secretly help people that need help or have a dream they're trying to reach. It's really wonderful to do it secretly because then you have absolutely no expectations. You can't worry about them spending it on what you want them to spend it on (which is none of my business) or be expecting a thanks (which isn't necessary). Preferably I take the cash out of the account, put it in a really pretty card and just sign it "Love". No name. Nothing. It gives me the warm fuzzies all over because it was a random act of kindness.

Another random act of kindness that I used to do is send birthday cards. I'd pick an office and send anonymous birthday cards to every employee for an entire year. One office was pretty large. 100 or so employees.... I would go the Hallmark once a month and pick out birthday cards for all the people that were having birthdays for the next month. I would have a grand time picking out those cards and the process could amuse me for an hour or more if I had the time. Then I'd go write sign all the cards and have them ready to mail a few days before the person's birthday. I wouldn't sign them with my name silly! I'd put nonsensical stuff like, hoping all your dreams come true, you deserve them, etc., then I'd turn the card upside down and sign "L". My penmanship is REALLY bad so it looked nothing like an "L" once upside down. So anywho the whole year passed and I had sent everyone in the office a card. I started hearing rumors about people talking about their birthday cards and wondering who was sending them. At the end of the year a group of people at the office thought they had figured out who was sending the cards. They thought it was a guy that had retired from management about 6 months before. They threw him a huge birthday party. Isn't that cool!!!!! Random acts of kindness can make some really cool things happen.

Sometimes it's hard to be all sneaky about it but I still keep trying.... I like being sneaky.

Tomorrow I'm going to be sneaky. It'll make me feel better and some unsuspecting stranger will feel better too.

What are you going to do for your random act of kindess today?

Less Drama

Ok...this may or may not be a rambling post. Apologies now rather than later cause you might not make it to the end.

I am projecting my thoughts on a happy, peaceful, calm child. I am going to put all my energy into these thoughts instead of worrying about the next meltdown. Secondary PTSD wants all my energy to go into projecting the next drama and it sends me into the same flight or fight that J battles. I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. GO. THERE. (today)

This morning J & I created a new set of beliefs for ourselves and read them over and over. Some of them are below:
Mine:
1. J is a normal, happy, healthy child.
2. J isable to show me love and be loved by me.
3. J is completely healed.
4. J is nice to me.
5. J is nice to Mrs. Kacak
6. I live in a calm and happy home that will be filled with peace and light.
7. I help others.
8. God & angels watch over me.
9. My home is safe.
10. We won the lottery!

J wrote her own set of beliefs in her own words:
1. I have an awesome mom.
2. I am a very good girl.
3. I can make mistakes.
4. Mom, Miss Kristy and Miss Chris help me get out my yuckies.
5. I will have a great day.
6. Mom keeps me safe.
7. All my yuckies have left.
8. My dreams came true. They are I give love and get love.
9. I am a normal 7 y/o.
10. I am magic.
11. I make good choices.
12. I play with friends.
13. I am a good friend.
14. I am nice to mom every day.
15. I love to learn.
16. I am carefree.
17. I have a happy life.
18. God & angels watch over me.
19. I love myself.
20. I show my mom I love her.

I woke up in a happy, carefree mood and expecting a loving, cheerful little girl with a great attitude instead of the dreaded wondering of what I'm going to find and what is going to be the next fight. Attitude of gratitude and great expectations. Opening her door to find exactly what I expected. A loving, cheerful little girl who had a great attitude. Who would've ever thunk it? How much of my mindset controls J's behaviors is something that is bewildering. Can she read my mind?

I am enjoying the shift so far and not thinking about what's going to happen next.

Feeling a like a celebrity with all you followers. Warm fuzzy feelings...
Christa's "I root for you everyday" and Andra's "Looking forward to walking with you..." really moved me. I would tell you I teared up (which I did) but then Torina would think I am a big wuss but I guess that's ok because she already knows it. Putting on my patience panties and waiting for the promised pictures. All the positive comments are really taken to heart and some days it's y'all that get me through.

Posted by:
Positive Lisa

Small amounts of progress

And I'll take it.
The first time in almost 2 months that J didn't have to be restrained in therapy. Progress...

We talked in therapy about the fact that she's doing everything to push me away and nothing to show she loves me. Kristy helped her identify some things she could do to show me love because it's important that she learns reciprocity. Hopefully she'll really start to make some effort here. We also talked about how she should know who my best friends are, my favorite things to do, etc. By the time we left she had everything memorized.

Things are improved for right now. It might not last for 5 more minutes but for this minute there is improvement. She was very helpful making dinner. We had salmon patties, gravy and tomatoes for dinner so I told her the story of this particular dinner. It is comfort food for me. My grandmother always fixed either this meal or cornmeal gravy for me when I was a little kid (and up till I was 35 - oops! I mean 29). So now when I'm feeling sad or blue I make these and then I can feel my grandmother's love and don't feel so sad any more. So I told her when she's all grown up and feeling sad & blue she'll be able to cook these and feel my love and not be sad & blue anymore. She really liked the story and was able to relay it back to me.

We also talked about more things she can do to show me love and practiced how the key words are "Jordan, it's not all about you." and then what would happen. She also did all the dinner dishes and gave me 10 minutes on the computer while she colored. I called Connie and she's going to keep J for me on 10/18 so that I can go to the Saturday Al-Anon meeting. I cannot tell you how important that meeting is for me in that it helps me learn how to practice detachment from the situation. Many of the lessons I learned in Al-Anon are what have kept me going where others have given up. Learning it's not about me, I didn't cause, I can't control it and I can't cure it, you don't have to go to every fight you're invited to, just because someone calls you a chair doesn't mean you're a chair, detach with love and too many more to mention. Hopefully it'll work out where I can get to at least 2 a month. God bless her! Thanks to Kristy for the brilliant suggestion.

Torina, I am anxiously expecting the promised pictures. 0;-) Just because I'm feeling a little more hopeful doesn't mean you're off the hook.

To all you new folks I am so glad you're here. Even if it's just to be grateful that you're not a resident in our life. ;-) 13 Followers - you rock! Feeling really special now!

To all the faithful supporters, you're my rock, glue, calm in the storm, giggles, and sometimes snorts. Tudu your words will stay with me forever.

P.S.

Just a FYI....I am really sorry that I haven't been commenting much lately on other blogs. Trying to make a concerted effort to do better but it seems I'm really stuck in the trauma and PTSD at them moment. Analysis - paralysis. Hopefully we'll pull out of this soon. Thanks to all of you for being so faithful and so supportive, even when I'm a crappy, whiney mom.

Lynn, I know you're there and yes, you can call anytime. Any distractions are welcome anytime. I stink at picking up the phone to ask for help but I will answer it if it rings. See...still a dork. ;-) BTW...I still need your new email address...hint...hint....

More drama

It turns out that J was fast & snappy yesterday morning because she was trying to hide pee.

While she was apologizing to Jessi for the day's indiscretions I told her to also apologize for peeing on the floor in the Reiki room. She told on herself. "I did that with you." I had suspected that but was shocked to hear her admit it. Told her that was fine. Wasn't a problem with me that she peed in that room because she had to smell it.

Patience went flying out the window. Not my proudest moment.

I let her hear me telling Daddy G that she had peed on the carpet. May have been mean but he should know. Told him we're not going to the lake this weekend because I don't want to risk her peeing on his carpet and he agreed.

Afterwards, she had to clean the carpet then wash out all the cleaning rags & her clothes outside in a bucket. Then I sent her to take a bath. She ate dinner, Chris came and did Reiki then she went straight to bed. I was still so mad I really didn't want to be around her. Now logically I know this is to be expected but it was straw on the proverbial camel's back. I think the onslaught of behaviors that are relentless each day is catching up with me and wearing me down.

The defiance is still over the top. Feeling like a really crappy mom.

Therapy

Adoption stuff is really setting J off and the Jesus incident isn't helping. Therapy was very challenging yesterday as J spent most of the time spitting, biting, hitting, kicking, raging and trying to hurt herself. *heavy sigh*

After dinner last night I spent time doing crazy stuff. Like leading her around by her hand in circles with no purpose, spinning her around, etc. Eventually I was able to get her to do some baby time and it seemed to improve her mood. While she was putting her dishes up she did tell me that "she did NOT want my love". No shocker there. She is RAD. Love is scary to a radish. Love equals pain to her, so even though she REALLY WANTS MY LOVE at her core, her survival self says "push away" or I will die.

This morning she did exceptionally well. Very fast & snappy girl. Made it through breakfast with time to spare and almost had time to ride her bike before Jessi got there. Woo hoo!

As of 8:16 this morning she was spitting on Jessi, raging, screaming obscenitites, etc.

Meltdowns, nightmares, etc.

Fun oh fun I am telling you.

Anniversary dates are triggers we're already dealing with. Friday night, the sitter (without my knowledge or permission) talked with J about her bad choices and how Jesus died on the cross with nails in his feet and hands for her bad choices. Oh boy have we got problems now. Night terrors 3 or 4 times a night. Saturday morning telling me she is terrified of Jesus and that she's going to die with nails in her because of all her bad choices. I don't know this for a fact but my intuition tells me that she was "punished" with religion in another home.

Saturday was really terrible. Fit after fit after fit. We went to the lake against my better judgment. I told J if there was one step out of bounds we were going home. She held it together the whole time and by the time we got home I was starting to be able to stand being around her again.

This morning I asked her what she had to do after she made her bed. She replied, I don't want to tell you, blah, blah, blah... I went upstairs. Sneaking suspicion when she came up. Smelled her hands. Hadn't been washed. Asked if she did and she said yes. Went back downstairs to check it out. Before we got to the bathroom I told her now was the time to tell me if she lied. Yes she did. Asked her if she flushed and she said no. Flushed and washed but did a sorry job washing and wouldn't (refused) sing the ABC song. Got a book and told her that was fine. I'd wait. Huffed off to her room. Trying to hurt herself again so had to restrain. Then she went back and did it right. Came upstairs and couldn't get her teeth brushed, hair brushed, etc. Finally made it to strong sitting. Took 3 tries before she was able. At 7:30 when Jessi got there she was still doing strong sitting.

Jessi called and said she was refusing to do anything she tells her. The last I heard she is back in Reiki room and Jessi was going to give her a bit to calm down.

Lunch provided more calls on more defiance, shoving, growling, talking in a different voice, etc. Therapy @ 4.

On top of all this...I, like Tudu, am having nightmares. Ugh!

Assistance Please

Can anyone tell me where to find some really cool web award thingys like on the right side of my blog? I'd to peruse some and have exhausted all efforts to find them. I must be googling the wrong thing.

Rattling - Edited

Yes Jill she was sound asleep in her bed and I totally believe you on the vases & books because I've seen a lot of things lately that most people would never believe unless they were there. Heck...I wouldn't believe it either.

Night out....not only am I going to see one movie...I am going to see two!!!! I've NEVER done that before. Connie suggested it because she's brilliant like that. My tired brain would've never come up with that idea. Hoping my squirmy self can sit still that long, then on the other hand, I'm hoping I don't fall asleep from exhaustion. The Women & Nights in Rodanthe here we come...

Tudu...I wish we lived closer cause I'd so give you a night off...Torina...I am going to try to figure out that follower business. I gave it a half-hearted look one day, got discouraged and quit so now I'm going to be more diligent. Awesome mom Gerri, God bless her, already figured it out and added me. Maybe you can give me some tips Gerri...wink...wink. CJ thanks for the shout out. I think that bonding time is soooo important even with the older kids (even with that thing I won't mention anymore cause I promised). I have to use winking games to get J to stay focused on my eyes. I wink once she winks once. I wink twice she winks twice and so on. Sometimes I tell her the story of how she came to be my daughter, other times I just tell her how much I love her and specific things that I love about her (her sense of humor, being stubborn ;-), her toes, etc.

Dreaming of 4:00.....

Look! I figured out that Follower business. That was easy....Now just hoping I have some more followers...hint...hint....looking for the warm fuzzies.....
Cool that people can follow anonymously too. Priscilla, Lynn, and you other cool people....that means you too ;-)

We're still hanging in there. Therapy revealed some of what is going on is the 2nd anniversary is coming up. Has it really been two years???? What did I do with all my time before? It's all a distant memory.

I have been kicked in the face, spit on, bit, etc... for the last few days. Trying to project normalcy and picturing what life would look like when this passes. It will pass...

Tomorrow night I have an evening off with my friend Connie. Yahoo! Going to see The Women. I don't care if the movie stinks. Just need to get out of the house for a bit. Torina, I'm hoping you and JB have as much fun as I'm going to.