P.S.

Dinah just brought up a another thought. Sometimes if I have a little spare cash I'll pay for the people behind me in the drive thru. Once in the parking lot was a group of police officers talking. I got'em a bag of biscuits and took them out. They looked scared to take them. Like there might've had a bomb in the bag. Of course it could've been the no make-up, Saturday sweats and harem scarem hair. ;-)

Random Acts of Kindness

Well...I am still positive (most of me anyway) today unfortunately J didn't get the memo. Tantrums ALL. DAY. LONG. 10 minutes before bedtime she just stopped. Hmmm....

The good news is I didn't lose my cool, I won the lottery and she'll probably sleep really well. Tomorrow she'll wake up in a better mood.
Play group therapy tomorrow. Woo hoo!

Now I'm taking a different direction. Random Act of Kindness....
Just because we don't go to church right now we still do tithes. J puts so much of her chore money in her little Ziploc tithe bag and I have a percentage taken out of my check and direct deposited into a savings account labeled tithes. That direct deposit business is wonderful because I never miss it. If I got my grubby little hands on it the chances are it would be spent. Probably for therapy. ;-) I love to secretly help people that need help or have a dream they're trying to reach. It's really wonderful to do it secretly because then you have absolutely no expectations. You can't worry about them spending it on what you want them to spend it on (which is none of my business) or be expecting a thanks (which isn't necessary). Preferably I take the cash out of the account, put it in a really pretty card and just sign it "Love". No name. Nothing. It gives me the warm fuzzies all over because it was a random act of kindness.

Another random act of kindness that I used to do is send birthday cards. I'd pick an office and send anonymous birthday cards to every employee for an entire year. One office was pretty large. 100 or so employees.... I would go the Hallmark once a month and pick out birthday cards for all the people that were having birthdays for the next month. I would have a grand time picking out those cards and the process could amuse me for an hour or more if I had the time. Then I'd go write sign all the cards and have them ready to mail a few days before the person's birthday. I wouldn't sign them with my name silly! I'd put nonsensical stuff like, hoping all your dreams come true, you deserve them, etc., then I'd turn the card upside down and sign "L". My penmanship is REALLY bad so it looked nothing like an "L" once upside down. So anywho the whole year passed and I had sent everyone in the office a card. I started hearing rumors about people talking about their birthday cards and wondering who was sending them. At the end of the year a group of people at the office thought they had figured out who was sending the cards. They thought it was a guy that had retired from management about 6 months before. They threw him a huge birthday party. Isn't that cool!!!!! Random acts of kindness can make some really cool things happen.

Sometimes it's hard to be all sneaky about it but I still keep trying.... I like being sneaky.

Tomorrow I'm going to be sneaky. It'll make me feel better and some unsuspecting stranger will feel better too.

What are you going to do for your random act of kindess today?

Less Drama

Ok...this may or may not be a rambling post. Apologies now rather than later cause you might not make it to the end.

I am projecting my thoughts on a happy, peaceful, calm child. I am going to put all my energy into these thoughts instead of worrying about the next meltdown. Secondary PTSD wants all my energy to go into projecting the next drama and it sends me into the same flight or fight that J battles. I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. GO. THERE. (today)

This morning J & I created a new set of beliefs for ourselves and read them over and over. Some of them are below:
Mine:
1. J is a normal, happy, healthy child.
2. J isable to show me love and be loved by me.
3. J is completely healed.
4. J is nice to me.
5. J is nice to Mrs. Kacak
6. I live in a calm and happy home that will be filled with peace and light.
7. I help others.
8. God & angels watch over me.
9. My home is safe.
10. We won the lottery!

J wrote her own set of beliefs in her own words:
1. I have an awesome mom.
2. I am a very good girl.
3. I can make mistakes.
4. Mom, Miss Kristy and Miss Chris help me get out my yuckies.
5. I will have a great day.
6. Mom keeps me safe.
7. All my yuckies have left.
8. My dreams came true. They are I give love and get love.
9. I am a normal 7 y/o.
10. I am magic.
11. I make good choices.
12. I play with friends.
13. I am a good friend.
14. I am nice to mom every day.
15. I love to learn.
16. I am carefree.
17. I have a happy life.
18. God & angels watch over me.
19. I love myself.
20. I show my mom I love her.

I woke up in a happy, carefree mood and expecting a loving, cheerful little girl with a great attitude instead of the dreaded wondering of what I'm going to find and what is going to be the next fight. Attitude of gratitude and great expectations. Opening her door to find exactly what I expected. A loving, cheerful little girl who had a great attitude. Who would've ever thunk it? How much of my mindset controls J's behaviors is something that is bewildering. Can she read my mind?

I am enjoying the shift so far and not thinking about what's going to happen next.

Feeling a like a celebrity with all you followers. Warm fuzzy feelings...
Christa's "I root for you everyday" and Andra's "Looking forward to walking with you..." really moved me. I would tell you I teared up (which I did) but then Torina would think I am a big wuss but I guess that's ok because she already knows it. Putting on my patience panties and waiting for the promised pictures. All the positive comments are really taken to heart and some days it's y'all that get me through.

Posted by:
Positive Lisa

Small amounts of progress

And I'll take it.
The first time in almost 2 months that J didn't have to be restrained in therapy. Progress...

We talked in therapy about the fact that she's doing everything to push me away and nothing to show she loves me. Kristy helped her identify some things she could do to show me love because it's important that she learns reciprocity. Hopefully she'll really start to make some effort here. We also talked about how she should know who my best friends are, my favorite things to do, etc. By the time we left she had everything memorized.

Things are improved for right now. It might not last for 5 more minutes but for this minute there is improvement. She was very helpful making dinner. We had salmon patties, gravy and tomatoes for dinner so I told her the story of this particular dinner. It is comfort food for me. My grandmother always fixed either this meal or cornmeal gravy for me when I was a little kid (and up till I was 35 - oops! I mean 29). So now when I'm feeling sad or blue I make these and then I can feel my grandmother's love and don't feel so sad any more. So I told her when she's all grown up and feeling sad & blue she'll be able to cook these and feel my love and not be sad & blue anymore. She really liked the story and was able to relay it back to me.

We also talked about more things she can do to show me love and practiced how the key words are "Jordan, it's not all about you." and then what would happen. She also did all the dinner dishes and gave me 10 minutes on the computer while she colored. I called Connie and she's going to keep J for me on 10/18 so that I can go to the Saturday Al-Anon meeting. I cannot tell you how important that meeting is for me in that it helps me learn how to practice detachment from the situation. Many of the lessons I learned in Al-Anon are what have kept me going where others have given up. Learning it's not about me, I didn't cause, I can't control it and I can't cure it, you don't have to go to every fight you're invited to, just because someone calls you a chair doesn't mean you're a chair, detach with love and too many more to mention. Hopefully it'll work out where I can get to at least 2 a month. God bless her! Thanks to Kristy for the brilliant suggestion.

Torina, I am anxiously expecting the promised pictures. 0;-) Just because I'm feeling a little more hopeful doesn't mean you're off the hook.

To all you new folks I am so glad you're here. Even if it's just to be grateful that you're not a resident in our life. ;-) 13 Followers - you rock! Feeling really special now!

To all the faithful supporters, you're my rock, glue, calm in the storm, giggles, and sometimes snorts. Tudu your words will stay with me forever.

P.S.

Just a FYI....I am really sorry that I haven't been commenting much lately on other blogs. Trying to make a concerted effort to do better but it seems I'm really stuck in the trauma and PTSD at them moment. Analysis - paralysis. Hopefully we'll pull out of this soon. Thanks to all of you for being so faithful and so supportive, even when I'm a crappy, whiney mom.

Lynn, I know you're there and yes, you can call anytime. Any distractions are welcome anytime. I stink at picking up the phone to ask for help but I will answer it if it rings. See...still a dork. ;-) BTW...I still need your new email address...hint...hint....

More drama

It turns out that J was fast & snappy yesterday morning because she was trying to hide pee.

While she was apologizing to Jessi for the day's indiscretions I told her to also apologize for peeing on the floor in the Reiki room. She told on herself. "I did that with you." I had suspected that but was shocked to hear her admit it. Told her that was fine. Wasn't a problem with me that she peed in that room because she had to smell it.

Patience went flying out the window. Not my proudest moment.

I let her hear me telling Daddy G that she had peed on the carpet. May have been mean but he should know. Told him we're not going to the lake this weekend because I don't want to risk her peeing on his carpet and he agreed.

Afterwards, she had to clean the carpet then wash out all the cleaning rags & her clothes outside in a bucket. Then I sent her to take a bath. She ate dinner, Chris came and did Reiki then she went straight to bed. I was still so mad I really didn't want to be around her. Now logically I know this is to be expected but it was straw on the proverbial camel's back. I think the onslaught of behaviors that are relentless each day is catching up with me and wearing me down.

The defiance is still over the top. Feeling like a really crappy mom.

Therapy

Adoption stuff is really setting J off and the Jesus incident isn't helping. Therapy was very challenging yesterday as J spent most of the time spitting, biting, hitting, kicking, raging and trying to hurt herself. *heavy sigh*

After dinner last night I spent time doing crazy stuff. Like leading her around by her hand in circles with no purpose, spinning her around, etc. Eventually I was able to get her to do some baby time and it seemed to improve her mood. While she was putting her dishes up she did tell me that "she did NOT want my love". No shocker there. She is RAD. Love is scary to a radish. Love equals pain to her, so even though she REALLY WANTS MY LOVE at her core, her survival self says "push away" or I will die.

This morning she did exceptionally well. Very fast & snappy girl. Made it through breakfast with time to spare and almost had time to ride her bike before Jessi got there. Woo hoo!

As of 8:16 this morning she was spitting on Jessi, raging, screaming obscenitites, etc.

Meltdowns, nightmares, etc.

Fun oh fun I am telling you.

Anniversary dates are triggers we're already dealing with. Friday night, the sitter (without my knowledge or permission) talked with J about her bad choices and how Jesus died on the cross with nails in his feet and hands for her bad choices. Oh boy have we got problems now. Night terrors 3 or 4 times a night. Saturday morning telling me she is terrified of Jesus and that she's going to die with nails in her because of all her bad choices. I don't know this for a fact but my intuition tells me that she was "punished" with religion in another home.

Saturday was really terrible. Fit after fit after fit. We went to the lake against my better judgment. I told J if there was one step out of bounds we were going home. She held it together the whole time and by the time we got home I was starting to be able to stand being around her again.

This morning I asked her what she had to do after she made her bed. She replied, I don't want to tell you, blah, blah, blah... I went upstairs. Sneaking suspicion when she came up. Smelled her hands. Hadn't been washed. Asked if she did and she said yes. Went back downstairs to check it out. Before we got to the bathroom I told her now was the time to tell me if she lied. Yes she did. Asked her if she flushed and she said no. Flushed and washed but did a sorry job washing and wouldn't (refused) sing the ABC song. Got a book and told her that was fine. I'd wait. Huffed off to her room. Trying to hurt herself again so had to restrain. Then she went back and did it right. Came upstairs and couldn't get her teeth brushed, hair brushed, etc. Finally made it to strong sitting. Took 3 tries before she was able. At 7:30 when Jessi got there she was still doing strong sitting.

Jessi called and said she was refusing to do anything she tells her. The last I heard she is back in Reiki room and Jessi was going to give her a bit to calm down.

Lunch provided more calls on more defiance, shoving, growling, talking in a different voice, etc. Therapy @ 4.

On top of all this...I, like Tudu, am having nightmares. Ugh!

Assistance Please

Can anyone tell me where to find some really cool web award thingys like on the right side of my blog? I'd to peruse some and have exhausted all efforts to find them. I must be googling the wrong thing.

Rattling - Edited

Yes Jill she was sound asleep in her bed and I totally believe you on the vases & books because I've seen a lot of things lately that most people would never believe unless they were there. Heck...I wouldn't believe it either.

Night out....not only am I going to see one movie...I am going to see two!!!! I've NEVER done that before. Connie suggested it because she's brilliant like that. My tired brain would've never come up with that idea. Hoping my squirmy self can sit still that long, then on the other hand, I'm hoping I don't fall asleep from exhaustion. The Women & Nights in Rodanthe here we come...

Tudu...I wish we lived closer cause I'd so give you a night off...Torina...I am going to try to figure out that follower business. I gave it a half-hearted look one day, got discouraged and quit so now I'm going to be more diligent. Awesome mom Gerri, God bless her, already figured it out and added me. Maybe you can give me some tips Gerri...wink...wink. CJ thanks for the shout out. I think that bonding time is soooo important even with the older kids (even with that thing I won't mention anymore cause I promised). I have to use winking games to get J to stay focused on my eyes. I wink once she winks once. I wink twice she winks twice and so on. Sometimes I tell her the story of how she came to be my daughter, other times I just tell her how much I love her and specific things that I love about her (her sense of humor, being stubborn ;-), her toes, etc.

Dreaming of 4:00.....

Look! I figured out that Follower business. That was easy....Now just hoping I have some more followers...hint...hint....looking for the warm fuzzies.....
Cool that people can follow anonymously too. Priscilla, Lynn, and you other cool people....that means you too ;-)

We're still hanging in there. Therapy revealed some of what is going on is the 2nd anniversary is coming up. Has it really been two years???? What did I do with all my time before? It's all a distant memory.

I have been kicked in the face, spit on, bit, etc... for the last few days. Trying to project normalcy and picturing what life would look like when this passes. It will pass...

Tomorrow night I have an evening off with my friend Connie. Yahoo! Going to see The Women. I don't care if the movie stinks. Just need to get out of the house for a bit. Torina, I'm hoping you and JB have as much fun as I'm going to.

Crazy Straws

The harping about the importance of a RAD child "sucking" "with their cheecks" on a bottle is about to end. I promise. I remembered from somewhere that it can be helpful for them to use a crazy straw like you will see here. Because of yet again, the sucking motion. Now why I did not figure out that J had to "suck" on the bottle is still beyond me. Brain fart I suppose. So now I'm incorporating the crazy straws back onto the dinner table. We did it for about a month a year or so ago but I am dragging them back out of the booby-trapped drawer in the kitchen.

Really increasing J's baby time right now as she is still struggling and it seems to be very calming and soothing to her. G seems to think it's ridiculous and will not even sit in the same room while we have baby time but that's ok too. Reading to her while she's soaking in a salt/soda bath is calming as well. She sleeps soooo much better after a salt/soda bath. That is 1 lb sea salt and 1 lb baking soda which is about 2 cups of each.

Friday and yesterday were especially hard but trudging through as best we can.

Post Therapy

While therapy was a challenge yesterday...A. Big. Challenge. Great improvements since though. Count them...5 restraints. J was pretty scared too. Both of us and I am sure, Kristy too, were very tired afterwards. At the end it is customary for J to thank Kristy for helping her get the yuckies out yesterday she added..."Thank you for holding me too" because she was trying to hurt herself so much.

Home for lots of baby time with warm, chocolate, goat milk after a salt/soda bath. She was exhausted, as was I. After she was tucked in I fell in the bed shortly thereafter. Pooped puppy I was.... Could've slept till noon.

I prescribed lots of laughter to Jessi this morning as laughter always makes it harder for the yuckies to stick. More unschooling going on too and she has no idea that she is learning so much. Sssshhhh...it's a secret....don't tell her or she'll quit.

The fairy came to sprinkle her last night so she was very quickly enamored this morning when she saw all the fairy dust. That darn fairy! She just shows up out of nowhere! ;-)

She is getting better at her yoga poses that Kristy suggested to help her find her center. Mountain is easy of course but the tree pose is much harder. For me too...but I am learning that you can indeed teach an old dog new tricks!

Thanks to each of you for all of your support. You really don't know how much I appreciate all of you. It's hard living in a RAD world at times but having great friends like you helps heaps!

It's Wednesday!!!!

Yesterday J did well all day with Jessi then as soon as I walked in the door....BOOM! Restraint time again. Really upping the ante for her and keeping her right by my side All.The.Time.

Well...the good news is J did well in the Reiki session last night and this morning was started without a restraint. Yeah! Salt/baking soda bath and baby time after session.

I am always excited about Wednesday's because it's THERAPY DAY!!! Woo hoo! Doing a little happy dance! A big session is planned today. Chris is coming to do Reiki and we'll start the session off with all 3 of us doing Reiki on her. I just dropped off the Reiki table at Kristy's office so that J won't have a clue.

There's alot I can't explain here but I am asking you to trust me and to pray that a large amount of yuckies will turn loose and leave today. Praying for miracles and expecting them.

Wishing

It's amazing to me that our Radish lives (behaviors) are so parallel. We all live in different areas of the country and yet our kids seem to be pulling out similar behaviors at the exact same time. Interesting indeed....

I have spent several days wanting and wishing to blog about some things that are happening in our household but know that I can't right now.

2 restraints unavoidable this morning. 2 restraints necessary during AT yesterday. 3 hour AT session scheduled tomorrow. Something rattling (so much that it woke me up) my (locked) bedroom door at midnight while J was sleeping soundly in her room. J's prayer has become our mantra lately and it's said on an almost hourly basis.

My Mom and more

Thanks for all the prayers. It's been really appreciated.
Come to find out Mom's regular doctor prescribed a diuretic to go along with her blood pressure meds since her b/p meds haven't been working as well. This is a BIG problem because my mother has another condition that makes her have to drink water All.The.Time. (honestly...that's what her heart dr prescribed). If she doesn't drink water constantly she immediately passes out. She melts like a puddle onto the floor. So it goes without saying the diuretics were working against having to drink all the water so her sodium level bottomed out. By the time my dad got her to the hospital her b/p was 195/124. Very scary! They gave her an additional med to go with her b/p meds and told her to drink nothing but pedialyte or gatorade and eat extra salt. Today she goes to her heart dr and I am hoping she will inquire about a regular physician that will COMMUNICATE with her heart DR!

On the home front, we are still struggling. J is struggling with losing Chrissi and some days it drives me bonkers. Pushing to get in lots of baby time (remembering that she has to suck on the bottle) and snuggle time. Also using crazy straws with her mealtime drinks which is helpful for the sucking motions for her brain too.

I am still struggling because I. Miss. Chrissi. She was my daughter and friend for a year and now she is on another continent and it HURTS. Chrissi is not doing too well herself and is struggling too.

Lots of stress going on to with John having heart surgery, my aunt dying, then my mom, I've had the flu or some silliness. I am tired folks. Linda put it well here.

By 8:30 this AM I already had a phone call this morning that J was trying to be mean to Puddin, then threw a holy roller meltdown with the beating of the walls, doors, etc.

It is Monday.

Please Pray

Please pray for my mother. My dad is on the way to the hospital taking her to the emergency room. We think she may have a blockage in her heart. She has been going downhill fast this week. I am so scared. Leaving now to go to the hospital.

Puny

Thanks for the emails but I am really puny right now and just don't feel like typing. Just a very bad cold. Plus I miss Chrissi. Chrissi's sad, we're sad....we're all a sad lot at the moment. We were supposed to talk on Skype Monday night but I just felt too much like crap. Would've let J talk with her but I feel so yucky that I just didn't think I was up to managing behaviors.

God bless Chris....she did Reiki on me too last night. Weird stuff with J's session and really bad behavior afterwards.

I'll be back....just got to start feeling a little better.

Progress

Chrissi left yesterday and J had appropriate sadness and cried a lot off and on for the rest of the evening. Only a RAD mom would be so excited that their kid was sad. This is really great progress for J. I did lots of holdings with her yesterday and baby time (now that I know important it is that she SUCK on the bottle instead of chewing it) with chocolate goat milk (you already know that most RAD kids are allergic to bovine milk/cheese and it doesn't mimic lactose intolerance but meltdowns/behaviors instead) and chocolate oatmeal cookies. When you're sad you can never have too much chocolate. ;-)

Lordy I was sad to see Chrissi go home. Hugs at the airport and pictures made then I had to turn and start walking before I lost it in the middle of the airport. I sure do love that child and she was such a wonderful blessing for us this past year. She will be back to America of that I am sure. Probably before she expects to. She's going to have a hard time with a lot of things but she will persevere because she is not a quitter. Yes...Chrissi....I know that you are reading this so get out your American dictionary and look up persevere. ;-) Ok...enough about Chrissi cause I'm about to start crying again. :-(

Jessi is only going to let J have fun for the rest of the week to help her cope some with Chrissi leaving. A plan formed by AT, Chris & I and I think it's a good one. Jessi knows that if she's having a really hard time to bring her to my office so that we can cuddle and I can console her. I sure do wish I could be at home today. Friday afternoon 4:15 our time and 10:15 Chrissi's time we'll be talking on Skype. Thank God for Skype! If you don't know about it you need to check it out. All you need is a webcam with a microphone and you talk for FREE long distance anywhere with anyone else who has Skpye. It's in real time and it's a wonderful way to keep in touch with loved ones and the bonus is to be able to see them too. Check out www.skype.com.

Chrissi, J has carried Bo Peep everywhere and is convinced (hoping) you'll be here for a visit at Christmas! Selfishly wishing you were here too.

Winding down -edited

Emergency attachment therapy with Kristy (AT) yesterday proved to be very helpful. While there it was discovered that since we've uncovered all these new demons J is having another internal struggle believing that I will not give up on her. Her energy was flipped again and Kristy was able to flip it again. Here is a direct quote from AT to Chris on the other blog we keep to just focus on therapies:

Lisa will probably want to add to this, but the session was very positive. We worked on straightening out J's energy; she was able to relate to being afraid her awesome mom might not be able to handle the evil yuckies (and her fear is higher, so her basic fear of not trusting her care-giver - awesome mom - is ratcheted up). She received reassurance from mom.

When Lisa first adopted J, J would eat other people's food and restaurant food, but not Lisa's food. Lisa took her for mexican before our appt, just to see, and J gobbled up her food. We processed this as well. Then we did some regressive work with J sitting in mom's lap, being fed warm, soft cookies with a baby spoon and drinking apple juice. It was hard for J to maintain eye contact with Lisa, but she did relax and I thought the energy/aura around her was much more peaceful than I have seen in awhile.

She is still really scared and as a result gets giddy/silly when we work on the heart connection with Lisa. But, at the end of the session her energy was strong and more focused and she was determined, at least for tonight to be strong, good and kind to her awesome mom. We called on AA Michael and J called on her angel, Sarial, who brought her thousands and will stay with her all night holding her hand.

I did regressive (bottle feeding & spoon feeding) while cradling ALOT when J first arrived but thought she was past it as it no longer had the great affect. I still do regressive work with J at home albeit not near enough and I am going to make a concerted effort to do this more often right now. Kristy also pointed out that it's VERY important that J SUCK on the bottle's nipple to get the juice out rather than chew on the nipple. It is REALLY important for her brain to suck while looking in my eyes. I did not know that. Just assumed that it was ok to do this. Point taken and correction made.

Chris has given her a new prayer to say to the yuckies:

“ 'I am a child of God. You will not influence me any longer. You are no longer welcome. You must leave. I command this in the name of God and in the name of Jesus Christ.' ”


"Say this 3 times whenever she seems to be at her worst. Say it also, three times, before she retires in the evening and once she awakens in the morning – before anything else. It is important that you keep commanding, as opposed to demanding.

There are more details to this prayer that I'm not going to blog about here but Texas Mary & Gerri, you know what I'm talking about.

J now has the prayer memorized as we worked diligently on it last night.

We are winding down to Chrissi's last days in America. We will leave to take her to the airport at lunch on Monday. Sad to see her go but it is the best for all of us and I know she's excited to see her family. Her family is going to be shocked at what an independent woman she has become.
I am taking avantage of the last days by taking a break this weekend so that I can come back recharged & revitalized.

More winding down in that my aunt, Cheryl (father's sister) is now in a coma and it's only a matter of hours that she has yet to fight.

John is still in CCU and waiting to see if the doctors can come up with a plan.

To end on a high note I discovered this site by total accident. The 30 Day Gourmet is a woman after my own heart. I have been making and freezing meals from all my favorite recipes for years now to make life easier. Folks....I even freeze mashed potatoes!!! So why bother getting this cook book??? Because I loved that she had grocery lists that I can download (keep me from having to write All.That.Stuff.), ways to organize my freezer meals and that she had a wonderful set of freezer lunches that can be used for kids that go to brick and mortar schools and working parents. I'm going to try doing the latter and save some money on lunches. She even has some vegetarian meals I'm going to try. It's wonderful to be able to have a REAL dinner on the table in 15 minutes or less and it'll be even better to have some new freezable recipes. So if you want a huge timesaver give this a try. She led me to another site that had wonderful ideas on frozen breakfast because that's when I really stress. Trying to have a healthy, filling breakfast and get me out the door to work at the same time. I may have to put another freezer on my wish list. :-)