At lunch today, J and I were having a conversation about Special K moving home. (She's been renamed Special K by Torina and I love it.) I asked her what she remembered about moving here. She remembered absolutely nothing. I told her that her FM had brought her here on a plane. A couple of hours after this conversation she remembered that they served food on the plane and related it to G's plane in that there is not a flight attendant doling out food. She didn't remember her first night here or even several nights into the move. She did remember bleeding and the barbie incident. She could probably sense that I was freaking out when that happened even though I was so trying to fake it. After she was sound asleep I went into total freak out mode.
I reminded her of several things that she did during that time and she was stunned. She would walk into things (as in walls and furniture) all. the. time. She couldn't find her way from her bedroom to the kitchen and it's a straight shot. For days all she would say is, "stop, drop and roll" over and over and over. She refused to eat ANYTHING that I cooked declaring that she wasn't hungry. I asked her why today and she said, "I did not want anything to do with your love." Imagine that. She would not hug me up and would constantly play "keep away" and run away from me. No eye contact at all. Wailing for hours on end for the abusive FM. I asked her why. "Because I didn't know you. She was mean to me but I knew her."
Me: When you moved here were you scared of a new home or were you scared to have a mom.
J- I was scared to have another new mom.
She does remember the stuff she did to Puddin. When asked she said, "I have a promise between you, me and Puddin that I won't hurt her ever again. If I break that promise she'll never trust me again. She trusts me now.
I asked her what she thought would make this an easier transition for Special K. These are her ideas:
1. She can't call you mom until she gets better. She needs to call you Miss. Lisa until she decides to be a family girl. Moms are the enemy to a RAD kid.
2. You need to sit in the middle seat (on the plane) and I'll sit on one side and K will sit on the other so that you can keep me safe.
3. K will always be the last person in the house so that we can keep Puddin safe and she can't go in the backyard because she might hurt Stud (cat).
4. I'm going to be really quiet until I feel safe around her.
5. Show her where the alarms are so that she will know she is safe and that bad people can't hurt her in the middle of the night.
6. She doesn't need furniture in her room because she will break it because she will be so mad sometimes. Too much stuff in a room is too much mom. It's scary.
7. I will help protect Puddin because she's my sister too. (awwwww....)
8. I will never come out of my room without getting dressed first.
9. Can I have an alarm on the inside of my door so that I can be safe? (Not sure how I'm going to work that out because I like to check on her before I go to bed and I don't want to be setting the alarm off. But...if I put one on the outside of her door she can't get out without setting it off.) J hasn't needed an alarm on her door in quite a while and now she likes to have snuggle time at 5 AM. Any ideas????
10. If she shows me her private areas I will turn my head, tell her that's not appropriate and come tell you.
I was impressed with her list. Obviously she's more worried about when we get home than when we pick her up. That's totally understandable.
Just a FYI....the matching meeting still hasn't happened yet, the worker still hasn't even called our therapist (which she said she wanted to do) either but I'm still hopeful that it will happen. We're planning as if it were a sure thing but we won't know anything for a while. The worker has a whopping 60 kids on her caseload and I'm afraid if there's not a fire we're kind of on the back burner. Hoping that's not so but you know it goes.....
This afternoon we had to make a trip to the dreaded wally world to pick up my prescription that was I was shorted on. Usually J holds my hand all the way through the store or holds the cart. Today she wouldn't hold my hand. Not in a disrespectful way though. I asked her why she wasn't holding my hand. She said, "I'm eight mom and I'm walking right beside you." Geesh. Then we got to the parking lot and she held my hand. I said, "what? you want to hold my hand now?" She said, "I'm only eight mom." Hee hee....
Sidenote: The intimidating blogger I mentioned last night....she doesn't intimidate me in a bad way...it's more like the I'm not worthy way. Now you can wonder about my complex. I do it all the time. Hardy har.
P.S. J hasn't been blogging because the weather has been too nice to be inside so she's been playing hooky. 78 today and the windows open 24/7 for the last 4 days. Nice. You northern gals can be jealous now. Hee hee.