So Much Progress

AT was very impressed with the progress that J has made in the past couple of days. I am still so grateful that she's open-minded about J's treatment. She has known since the beginning that J would require many interventions to help her heal due to J's severity on the spectrum of RAD. It was the first time EVER that she checked her energy and it wasn't flipped. She checks it first thing before each therapy session by muscle testing.

There's so much to this energy business and I am still confused by most of it but I can give you a little tip (if I can explain it right). Have your spouse hold their arm straight out by their side. (If they put up both arms like this they would be shaped like a letter t.) Put your hand on their wrist. Ask them to say, "My name is ________ (insert their correct name here)." Once they have said it tell them to hold their arm up as you press down on their wrist towards the floor. It won't budge. Then ask them to say (with their arm still out and your hand on their wrist), "My name is Suzy Q." Tell them to resist (hold their arm up) and press down on their wrist. Their wrist will push down easily. Hint: You can always check to see if someone is lying with this. Once you've tried this on your spouse or someone other than your Radalicious kid (sorry Christine-had to steal that one) then try it on a kid. You might get some interesting results.

J worked really hard in AT today. During dinner she said that she really wanted to get all of the yuckies out and she wanted to work hard on her life. We talked about how many people she had in her life that was working so diligently to help her get all the negative energy and yuckies out of her. We talked about the AT, Ms. Chris (reiki master) and me. Then I told her that sometime soon that Ms. Donna (who did the pastel of angel Sarial), Ms. Donna's husband, Dudley, Ms. Chris, Ms. Kristy (AT) and I were going to have a Reiki session to help all the negative energy and anger to leave her body. That we were all going to work with her at once to help lots of yuckies leave. J's response, "Really????? Mom, I am such a lucky girl to have so many people helping me." Yep she is but I was shocked that she saw herself as lucky. That was really neat.

While she was jumping rope her side started hurting. She sat down and I asked her if she remembered that she could give herself Reiki to make the pain go away. Oh yeah mom! So she started givingWhile she was jumping rope I asked her if she thought she should take a shower or salt/soda bath. Immediately she said salt bath. While I was running her salt/soda bath she asked if she could put some crystals in the bath with her. Ms. Chris (she is a Reiki Master and an ordained minister) had told her yesterday that she could put crystals in the tub with her and they would give her positive energy and help the yuckies get out. I was so over the moon that she is using the tools she has been given to help the yuckies move out. She is choosing to be a part of her healing and making a conscious choice to work on her life. As most of us know, that half the battle is to admit that something is wrong and to want to change it. Once you become willing to change lots of little miracles start happening.

And just in case you're wondering, Day Three is a success too! Not a word or a peep out of me.

Still me...letting go....turning loose...giving it up.

Pseudo-crunchy woman, Christine, has been added to the blogroll. Go check her out.

Oh and my confession of the day is that:

I. Hate. Shopping!


You see... now you're asking yourself if I am really a woman. A woman that hates shopping & ice cream. There has to be something wrong with her. Yep. But y'all already knew that.

C.J. Merrell, you are a hero!

Thanks Joy for letting me know it's actually a chain link on top of the world instead of a little hat. :-)

Another Quick Tip

This is another quick tip to new bloggers, to go with the other tip, I blogged about earlier this morning. It changed my life. ;-) I kept missing new comments because people would comment on a post that happened several days before and I didn't know about it until I would "just happen" to be looking back on past posts on my blog. Then I discovered the new tip.

Go to Settings then click on the Comments tab. All the way at the bottom it will give you a place to put your email address. Add your email address of choice. No one sees it but you if your worried about spammers, psychos, etc. Every time you get a comment on your blog you'll get a nice little email with the nice little comment that some sweet person left you. Then you feel all loved and special and stuff. No kidding...you really do!

That's my tips for the day. Two posts in one day! See how much time I have when I'm not spazzing out about being the education enforcer?

Have a blessed day!
Given up

Day Two

Once again.... I made it. Ms. Cranky Pants did not reside at my house again! Not one peep from little ol me. Starting to get the hang of this "not giving a flip" thing. Who knew an old dog could learn new tricks?!? Two days down is monumental for this old pit bull. (Just a FYI: maybe I should have used chihuahua instead of pit bull. The only pit bull I ever had would run hide under the bed when company came. She was such a weinie.)

Chris was such a dear to come over and give a Reiki treatment to both J & I. J did really well but she did say that the yuckies left a pretty big hole when they vamoosed so I made sure to fill her up with lots of pink love so the hole wouldn't be so empty.

Guess what? AT is this afternoon. Mrs. Kacak is coming. Mrs. Kacak & AT are going to meet with J about school issues. I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. BE. IN. THE. ROOM.! School is now their deal not mine. Nope. Don't even want to hear about it. Not my problem.

Letting go....see....it's not a big deal after all. Boy that pendulum really swung in the other direction fast didn't it? Didn't see it coming did you????

After Jessi and AT meet about school then I'll come in for our normal AT session. Sweet loving mom. No longer the education enforcer. No more Ms. Cranky Pants. She has left the building.

Now that all of that is out of the way I would like to introduce some really cool, new people around the block. Kelly is in the process of finding her daughter. Joy has two little radishes. CJ is a really awesome mom to Sean and has a great post about Eye Lights today which I am going to check into. Thorn & Lee are also in the process of finding their children. Brenda is mom to two radishes too. Enough two/to for you? Maia is the sister to many and works tirelessly in a residential treatment facility with lots of little radishes. Please keep her on your prayer list as her family is going through a tough time right now. Newly found, Queen Mommy is the mother of two as well.

By the end of today I'll have all of you linked up on my blog so if you don't want to be associated with a former chihuahua mom let me know and I'll de-link you. ;-0 Gotta share the love ya know!

This morning while I was plundering for CJ I found a really cool OT site. So I thought I would share. While I am over using my linking capabilities I'll share The Listening Program with you too. Lauri is somewhere in the mid-west shaking her head saying, "good Lord! I wish I had never taught that trick to the chihuahua mom." For all you new bloggers I will give you the tip. Highlight the words that you want to hide a link in then click on the world button that looks like it has hat. (It's a couple of buttons over from the Bold and Italics button). Paste your link in the long box. Works like a charm!

Still giving up. Powerless. Yep that's me alright!

The Earth Didn't Stop

Thanks to all of you for rallying around to support me. I don't know where I would be without all of you! Maybe a straight jacket??? ;-0

I am so proud of me. I didn't mention a peep about school. Almost had a little slip out of habit. When I get home J runs up to me, hugs me and asks me how was my day. Of course she did so tonight too. Chrissi was sitting right next to her. As soon as J asked I said, "fabulous!" then I almost slipped. But quickly recovered and looked at Chrissi and asked her about her day. Whew! That was close!

We had a great evening together. The world didn't stop turning on it's axis. Who knew??????!!!!! It was so much fun to just be a mom instead of education enforcer. I'm reading Little Women to her at bed time. She is very enamored with the story.

A beautiful, brown-paper package was waiting at the door. Oh! How exciting it is to get brown-paper packages! Then I opened it. The complete set of Little House books had finally arrived. Be still my heart! These were my most beloved books when I was a child. Laura Ingalls & I were the best of friends. Completed the whole set in 2nd grade. Actually many times over and over. Mrs. Swindall, the librarian, thought I had taken up permanent residence in her library. They took me to distant places, taught my imagination to soar and made my heart sing. I can't wait to read them again. 3rd grade the love was Little Women and Gone with the Wind.

J watched me open the beloved brown-paper package and her eyes got wide with excitement. Unfortunately according to the new plan they went downstairs to the "bookshelf". You know the one. Well...J took them down there and put them up. Mrs. Kacak got lucky again. Of course after bedtime I'll be sneaking and reading me some Little House on the Prairie. ;-) Laura & I will be best friends again. We have some catching up to do!

When J was in public school it was so easy to let go of the "school" thing. I explained to the teacher that it was J's problem. She almost never did her homework and the teacher did let her complete it during recess. If I'm really honest about this situation it's about the money (hanging head in shame & embarrassment) and not really her education. (Although I do think it's extremely important. I'm still letting go...see? ) I'm paying one person to be her teacher and one person to be her babysitter. Every day! Well, if I'm paying someone to teach her then, by golly, she should go to school. Dadgumit!

Well...Chrissi goes home 9/8/08 so I'll have to pay her teacher anyway so I just need to get over it. School or babysitting. Same thing. Doesn't matter to me....nope. I. Don't. Care.

This is still me....giving up. I am giving up. Yep, P, I am powerless over people, places & things. Powerless....That is me.

P.S. Lynn honey....I need you to call me or email me your new email address. Something to ask you on the down low.

Since I'm keeping it really honest. I don't like ice cream. Now you can run screaming into the streets.

Happy as a lark....Couldn't care less.....me

This is gonna be hard...

Okay....I have a warning for you...this is going to be long and painful for both of us. This is a lesson in "what NOT to do." Be prepared to call me a horrible mom.

I have something to let go of. I don't like to let go of anything. I am a pit bull. Tenacity is my middle name. It is one of my biggest attributes and also one of my greatest defects of character. I always grab something by the jugular and won't turn loose until "it" works out the way I want it to or else. It's not working for me on this one and I am waving the white flag over my head. I GIVE UP! There... I said it. *heavy sigh* I am sure the world is about to stop turning.

As most of you know, J has had a chronic problem of being extremely irritating, ODD (emphasis on defiant), hateful, disrespectful, biting, scratching, spitting on, hitting and in general hard to get along with in the relationship with her homeschool teacher. You also know she does EMDR, tapping, energy work, consequences, therapy, teacher re-direction, LOTS of mini-tramp jumping, rewards, respite, lordy...the list just goes on and on. IT. DOESN'T. WORK.

She tends to have one good day at school and the others suck. Around 1 PM I get phone calls from Jessi to see how the day went. So four days out of five it's a long diatribe of J being disagreeable. Please know right now I am NOT faulting Jessi here. She is doing EVERYTHING the AT & I recommend over and over and over. Most people, by that I mean 99.9 %, would have quit by now. I certainly would have and I am by no means a quitter.

This is from the AT:
I just want to say that it seems to me like Jessi is doing everything right and I'm very proud of how much she has learned about teaching RAD kids! I hope J is better today after last night's session with Chris and post-Chris. If not, I think Jessi needs to continue just like she is....J is stubborn, but Jessi will win if she doesn't give up and takes pride in her approach and doesn't get frustrated or burned out.

So after the phone calls I get crabby because I am at work and I can do nothing to make this situation better. I have tried going home to get things re-directed. IT. DOESN'T. WORK. So anyway, Miss Cranky Pants (me) goes home and proceeds to bring more cranky to the table.

Friday night I had an epiphany. I have put way too much emphasis on education with J because I want her to have a great education. It is stressing me out and her as well. She has got to want to have a good education and I am D.O.N.E. caring about it because no matter what I want, it is her life. I can give her all the tools to get a good education but she is the one that has to do the work.

Sidebar: A few weeks ago, my dear friend, Texas Mary sent us a ton of books. You know...chapter books for 2nd - 3rd graders. I put them all in her room (big mistake). She loves books! So it was several sleepness nights for her as she was trying to read all of them and was totally overwhelmed. I let her pick 25 of her favorite, I want to keep forever, books and keep them in her room. We've always affectionately called them her "baby books" because they were her "starting to read" books.

Saturday morning, after coffee and meditation, I ventured into her room to let her in on the epiphany. First of all, I explained to her that I had made a mistake and I wanted to apologize. I told her that I had put too much emphasis on education and too much pressure on her and that it was unfair of me to do that. I let her know that from now on that I wasn't going to ask her how her day went with Jessi or Chrissi and I was just going to focus on being the best mom that I could be and on our mother/daughter relationship. However, since I wasn't worried about her education anymore I was going to "give" her new books to Mrs. Kacak and her teacher could do with them whatever she wanted but that J could keep all of her "baby" books in her room. She is free to buy more books with the money she has earned from chores. I also told her we weren't even going to talk about school at all anymore that all the units of concern were now hers. She helped me move the books to a bookshelf downstairs outside her classroom. She wailed some....crocodile tears. You know....no tears, just the 2 year old wailing. But she helped me move them and proceeded to have a great day.

Sunday AM, in the car, she said, "Daddy G did you know I can write in cursive?" I tapped Daddy G's hand and he said, "J, we're not going to talk about school anymore." Go G! She said, "oh" and dropped the subject.

I called Jessi and explained the new plan to her and why I didn't want to hear anything about J's day for a while. She totally gets it. She's going to bring a good book and read Monday & Tuesday telling J she is taking some time off that she doesn't want to teach right now.

An email conversation with the AT bolstered my ego some:
I think that is a great way to handle it. She has been controlling your mood by being bad at school. Even healthy kids do better at school and in life when school is their deal to succeed or fail. (me: did you read that statement?) It is a hard one for parents to let go of. Let's see how she does.

If Jessie needs support when J has a bad day, she is welcome to call or email me. It won't bother me in the least and it will take you out of the loop and give Jessie someone to lean on. Also, I can make judgement calls about when or if to intervene.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

This is me. Giving up.

We survived the picnic. I decided to get a great attitude about it. I was up at 6 AM cooking for 10 people. 9lb pork shoulder (carnitas), pico de gallo, guacamole, salsa, jalepeno poppers. It is required to bring your family to this event. The coordinator was 45 minutes late. The other family of 6 only brought 2 and didn't bring any food (they were going to bring a dish and so was the coordinator). Can you say lots of leftovers?!? How Cindy Bodie does it is beyond me. How do you feed 22 people, 3 meals a day, every day? Out of her 39 children at least some of them are out on their own now. The logistics of that are beyond my comprehension. Just a FYI, Chrissi, J & I had great attitudes at the picnic.

Remember....This is me... giving up. I Am Giving Up. See... if I keep repeating this maybe I can actually do it. It's not about me. Priscilla...maybe I need to write this 100 times too.

Does anybody feel the earth slowing down a bit??????? I swear I felt a little pause....

Sushi

You know when you've had a hard day nothing will pick you up quite like a road trip for sushi. Daddy G, J & I high-tailed it 3 cities south for all our favorite rolls. Of course J ate her weight in sushi and was a very happy camper. The moon must have something to do with my lack of sleep last night. Since I was up so early I took the opportunity to go snuggle J up. An hour of wiggly worm and I went back to my bed and then did NOT want to get up when the alarm went off at 5:45.

A 3 egg omelet with smoked provolone (veggie cheese of course silly!) and home grown maters and a piled high plateful of watermelon later my kid was FINALLY full. Who knew it could actually happen?!?!

Since we're in nice, peaceful space right now I wanted to take the opportunity to share with you some things that have really helped J. The Learning Breakthrough program helped J make significant strides in mental/sensory processing. Before this program she had trouble getting almost ANY subject. Couldn't choose the right pronoun to save her life. Sequential processing was extremely difficult. Most little radishes have lots of trouble with sensory and processing issues. Leaps and bounds were made with this program and it couldn't be easier. 15 minutes twice a day. Simple as pie. The AT noticed it first. I didn't mention that we were doing this program and she picked up on the difference only 2 weeks into the program. Very cool! I chose to do this program with an OT vest thanks to help from my friend, Tudu. Speaking of Tudu, she's been conspicuous by her absence. Gonna have to check on that girl! ;-)

The k12.com homeschooling program has been great for J and easy on her teacher. Simple as 123. Plus it's free as a state funded program in quite a few states.

I have a few more, but work calls so look for an update a bit later.

Much Improved

Things around our house are much improved. A huge thanks to Gerri & Texas Mary. I couldn't have gotten through it without you. Big things happened around our household that can't be blogged about but everyone came out in one piece and a huge step forward has happened. Possibly even 2 or 3 steps forward....

J worked unbelievably hard in AT yesterday. Undeniably the hardest she's ever worked. Zero yucky choices in school. This is a first! In AT she said (by her own volition) that she wanted to give up her anger and the thing that she wanted to work on the most was her anger. At the beginning of school she did the Secret Inside My Head workbook and she brought it to AT which she processed about half of it before we moved on to other things. We'll work on the other half next week. I really wanted her to work on the Volcano book but didn't find it in time. After she processes this book we'll move on to the Volcano book. I've just been putting this off for so long and it's time to pony up to the table and get with it.

Reiki on Tuesday night with Chris for whom I am eternally grateful. She helps me see the light at the end of the tunnel. A sea salt/baking soda bath and bedtime stories. J earned her American Girl magazine yesterday and boy was she excited.

To Daddy G's office after AT where she was able to play "The Boss" (for a limited time folks...). Sitting in his chair and answering the phone, "This is the Big Boss. What can I do to help you?" You KNOW being the radish that she is that she had the BEST time with this. Gave up play time at home for a while just to be "The Boss". G & I talked about her working a couple of hours a day in the mail room when she is 9/10 during the summer so that she can start working her way up the ladder. ;-) She LOVES sorting mail!

Tonight more Reiki and keep taking steps forward.....and hopefully not too many back.

Angel Sarial

More of the same

On J, yesterday was really beyond horrible. There aren't words to describe it. I went for a Reiki treatment yesterday and the Reiki master put a stone on my solar plexus and when she started doing Reiki there my stomach started thumping very hard. Really weird. When she got through I asked her if she felt it and she did and described it. Turns out she was sending Reiki to J through my solar plexus. I made the short drive (5 minutes) home and by the time I got there things had improved. I could start breathing again. I made her practice sticking her tongue out, growling and being disrespectful while jumping rope. Then when she stopped jumping I had her spanking herself. (She's been hitting herself alot and she's supposed to be working on being gentle with herself) I figured since she was practicing everything else she could just practice hurting herself by spanking herself (cause she can't hurt her fanny) while growling, sticking out her tongue and being disrespectful. This may not have been a good idea but I was running out of options. Plus I really wanted to spank her because she was being so horrid so it was a little plus for me too. She practiced all of this for an hour then she had a bath and Chris (Reiki master) told me to have her pick out some crystals then lay on the Reiki table putting the crystals wherever she felt the "yuckies" and keeping her hands over them. Then she's supposed to ask Sarial (her angel) to send a thousand angels to help her feel better. So she did this too last night. She really loved it. Tonight I will try to remember to take a picture of Sarial and post it here tomorrow. After J went to bed I smudged the house and cleaned the crystals.

This morning was better with the teacher but it went downhill fast after snack time. Very ODD, refused to do tapping, breathing exercises, jump, rubbing, she couldn't be re-directed to do anything.

Thanks Gerri for reminding me about the Volcano book. I'll find it tonight. It's at home somewhere. I just made a copy of The Secret Inside Your Brain (AT recommended having her do this every 6 months so I made copies) to have her work through tonight. This afternoon Chris is coming to help me (God bless her!) do a Reiki treatment on her @ 5 to get rid of some of the bad energy. Hanging on for therapy tomorrow.

Snarky mood

Some of my snarky mood might be coming from J having 2 really hard days in a row. Now granted I am very grateful that she hasn't had any bad days with me in quite some time. It's actually been so long that I would have to look it up on the blog to find out. That is quite a feat. However, when it happens it's like PTSD and I look like a possum in the headlights.

If I wasn't before I am positive that meds are necessary now. Yesterday I forgot to give J her meds. Damn. Not a very good day to say the least. Have seen worse though. Bossing, lying to G, hateful, bad attitude, etc. Last night I had her practice growling in front of the mirror for an hour. In actuality it was only probably 20 minutes but because of attitude it ended up being an hour. She started poking the back of her mouth to make it bleed (she hasn't self-mutilated in almost 2 years) and then screamed for me to come in there and that she had to stop.

This morning she "forgot" something to thank me for 3 minutes after I told her. ODD J refused to say it of course. To her room to throw a fit and then she came back and made it right. Since she didn't have her meds yesterday or last night I gave her the whole .50 mg this morning to see if it would help in the classroom (I was doing this awhile back per p-doc instructions but lately I've been giving her the .25 in AM & .25 in PM). NOT! Jessi says it's been a horrible day. One of the worst she's seen. ODD J refuses to do absolutely anything. None of the rubbing, tapping, breathing or the new things the AT has given her. I got on the phone with her and she was off the charts. I haven't had this in like forever. Extremely disrespectful, ODD, just absolutely blech! Screaming at me that she is hungry, etc. I finally told her to go to the respite room and be sure and throw a fit in there and to hit the walls and door then she could rest and that we'd talk when I get home. She went and is sound asleep now.

I am going for a Reiki treatment this afternoon at 3 before I get home at 4. God bless Chris! Maybe then I'll have something to give back. Smudging, Reiki, salt/soda bath, and lots of hugs & kisses coming up tonight.

Excuse me while I puke on the blog

Thanks Laura & Mary!
I apologize now for the puke you are about to read. Big Grrrrrrrr coming...

So one of the requirements for having an Au Pair is to have one annual family gathering with all other au pairs under a counselor/coordinator (a/k/a perpetually late, always have to do things on her time frame, lying, never showing up, never lets Chrissi know when to meet her until an hour before the meeting). I am so ready to get this woman out of my life and thankfully after Chrissi goes home on 9/8/08, I'll never have to put up with her shenanigans anymore. This meeting should be in a public place and last for approximately one hour.

Our coordinator only has one other family besides us. As I already said this family has 4 children and not one of them has an alphabet behind their names. I received an email last Tuesday that all of them would be at my house at 4 PM and to have food ready. Now I suppose I could just not show up but then Chrissi wouldn't get her $500 deposit back when she returns to Germany. Did I mention that this is Chrissi's birthday too? She positively loathes the coordinator and is livid that she has to spend her birthday with the woman that has held her hostage for a year.

My return email told them to bring chairs. The decision is to keep all of them outside my house. Did you see the southern hospitality as it went flying out the window???? It makes me really mad that the coordinator invited herself and others to my house. My backyard is a disaster and I don't have the time or energy to get it into "company" shape so we'll sit in front of the garage. Trying to decide if I will throw the dead plants away that flank each side of the front door and kill all the poke weeds lining the cul-de-sac. I'll throw a table out there and slap some chips & salsa on the table. Make a pitcher of sweet tea and call it a day.

The reason for staying out of my house is that walls make it really hard to see if my child tries to bein mean to another child. Now I would like to think that wouldn't happen but I have to protect my child and others. J will have to stay within line of sight of me or Chrissi at all times. Wonder what they will think every time I put her in a time-in for being a Miss. Bossy Pants?

At 6PM (our usual time) I'll excuse myself to start J on her bath, meds, bed time stories and nightly therapies and rituals. Then I can cuddle her up till she goes to sleep but probably not before the meltdown she'll have to have since we're out of a routine.

Southern hospitality is a distant memory....apologies again....

Linda suggested I wait on them in my car in the driveway and lead them to the city park. It won't hurt everyone to drive 5 more minutes right?????

Patiently waiting on sympathetic comments (or snarky ones).

Practice, Practice, Practice

J has taken to growling at her teacher. She's even decided she wanted to growl at me. No problem..... Tonight she got to practice growling for an hour at herself in the mirror. Growling doesn't seem to be an issue now. We'll see how tomorrow goes. Lordy it really feels weird to prescribe the problem. It just doesn't seem normal. But usually it works. I'll let you know how it comes out.

There's something happening next Sunday that I am so not happy about. Trying to get happy about it but it's just not working out. When I can type about the details with out popping a gasket I'll get back with you. The short version is that I am being forced to spend a couple of hours with a normal family of 4 "normal" (y'all know I hate that word) children, 2 parents and 1 unorganized, perpetually late, lying au pair coordinator. At. my. house. I was not asked. I was told. Therefore....I.Am.Not.Happy.

Trying to figure out how to slip some Exlax in one particular person's food...... Y'all think I'm kidding.....

Check out Kari's post on hanging with normal people. She put it much more eloquently than I ever could.

Conversations & AT

Saturday night there was a very meaningful and moving conversation around the dinner table. J & I were doing our gratitude lists and another person asked to do one as well. Sure no problem.... This person then had a hard time thinking of things for which to be grateful. J jumped in to help.

J: You have a room to sleep in that's safe. People used to come in my room at night and hurt me.
Added to list
J: You have food to eat. I didn't have food because my birth mom wouldn't feed me.
Added to list
J: Your mom sings to you and rocks you. My birth mom left me in a box all day and wouldn't change my diapers.
Added to list
J: Your mom gets you when you have bad dreams. My birth mom never picked me up. I just stayed in the box and bugs crawled all over me.
Added to list
J: You've had one mom who took care of you all of your life. I've had lots of moms and one of them was really mean and she made me sleep in the bathtub and locked me in the closet.
Added to list
J: Nobody helped me when I was sick. Your mom does.
Added to list
J: My life was really bad until my awesome mom found me. You've had an awesome mom all your life.

Needless to say there wasn't a dry eye at the table except for J. She was very matter of fact. She has never told her story to other people except for AT. I had to wait a few days before posting this because I sob every time and I am NOT a pretty crier. My beautiful child has come so far. How I wish she didn't have to go through so much....

AT yesterday. Turns out J was pretty mad at Kristy for going out of town on vacation. She thought yet another person had disappeared out of her life forever. They've made a deal now where Kristy will tell her that she is leaving and when she is coming back. This is a huge sign of progress for J. Before we didn't tell her because we knew it would send her into huge meltdowns. Now she is well enough to handle being advised of someone leaving and they will be back.

Also discovered that in J's head she thinks she's really stupid and that if we find out she's stupid that we won't love her anymore. She's living in fear of being outed that she's not really smart. Many people in her life tell her she's smart. (I am not one of them). She is VERY intelligent! So now I am going to TRY to get everyone to quit telling her that. AT gave her a new rubbing mantra where she says, "Even though I'm really stupid, my mom still loves me. Even though I'm so not smart, Mrs. Kacak still wants to teach me. Even though I think I'm really the most stupid person in the world, my mom thinks I'm really great kid." Now see...in my normal head that just doesn't make sense to have a kid tell themselves that and I think it sounds really cruel but the AT says it works and we've done it with other sentences for other behaviors and it works like a charm. So I go forth in faith trusting that this will help. So far yesterday and today it's working.

There's a poster in both AT's office and I've seen it elsewhere. It says: When you love someone more than they love themselves they will always attack you. This is very true and I understand that's where her fear of being outed comes from. How I wish I had Katharine Leslie's book Coming to Grips with Attachment, before I was blessed with J.
But then again I am not going to beat myself up today over shoulda, coulda, woulda's. Nobody wins then....

Thanks Brenda!

Thanks Brenda for your post on this. You put in words what I fail to do constantly. Knowing it and writing it is two totally different things and I struggle in that department. You rock!

AT today! Whoo hoo!!!!!! We are all so excited!!!!!!!

Returning to Washing Machine Normal Setting

Okay....I'm still here. Thanks Tudu, Gerri and Brenda for checking on me. I was so far down yesterday that I went to bed at 6 PM. Yup....6 PM really. I didn't get up until 5 minutes before my alarm went off this morning at 5:50 AM. I was one pooped puppy. There is a vague, twilight sorta memory of Puddin jumping on me when she came to bed but other than that I was in la la land. Not even one trip to the bathroom which is no small feat for me.

No details will be released regarding the events but just know that everything came out alright even though it is a miracle.

I will however, share the lovely events of our weekend. I surprised J Thursday afternoon (after school) that we were going to the lake. Yes....he was found and I am so profoundly grateful. We arrived at the lake in time for her to go swimming before bed and she was loving that! She had the day off from school on Friday so she was in the water by 9 AM and didn't get out except to eat and apply sunscreen until 5 PM.

After she went to bed my friend, June, came up to spend the night with her daughter Maddy. So J had a huge surprise when she got out of bed Saturday! Maddy is 10 and very mature for her age so I asked her if she would re-direct J when she got too bossy. Maddy did great at this! I would hear her saying "J that's too bossy, please try again." And J would. It was great lessons for J and they got along famously. Brian brought Kira up for a bit too so there were 2 girls to swim with her. Yahoo! It was a 9 - 5 day again in the lake. Maddy worked with J on diving and doing flips and J LOVED it! Dinner was at 5 so the girls came up to eat. Now y'all know how much my girl loves her food. She sat down and stared at her food and made a concerted effort to pick up her fork. I'm watching and waiting to see what is next because there are baked beans on her plate. My child never says "no" to baked beans! The unthinkable happens.... J says, "mommy, I am soooo tired....may I please go to bed." That child had absolutely worn herself out. So at 5:15 she was dead to the world and didn't wake up till 7 the next morning!

Daddy G and entourage are home safe from the motorcycle trip. One less thing to worry about. We were all very happy to see him even though he is a crispy critter from so much sun and wind. G had a great time playing with J on the float Sunday afternoon. Wishing I had my video camera down with me! Y'all will be happy to know that I am trying to make a concerted effort to do better in the picture department. I'll post some later.

Upon arriving home Sunday afternoon we found the dear, brown boxes left by the postman. Oh how I love it when I pull in the driveway and see beautiful, brown boxes sitting on the doorstep. My heart flitters and my feet do a little happy dance. The first set of the Little House books, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and a huge box of books from Texas Mary (30 lbs!). Little Women and the rest of the Little House books should be here any day. J was in heaven! Texas Mary....You rock!!!!!! Early to bed Sunday night as J & I were both pooped from too much sun and fun.

Today I made the decision to unenroll J in the K12.com/gva program and keep her on the K12.com program. I know this will be more money but I think it will be better for J in the long run. They want her to test in a public facility 3 or 4 times a year in a room with 100 kids that she's never met before. This would be setting her up for a meltdown and I just can't do it. Plus the K12.com/gva program is much more remedial considering what she has already completed in 1st grade. It's set up for Georgia requirements and the consumer direct K12.com program is way ahead of GA. Praying I made the right decision. In my head it doesn't make sense to go backwards instead of forward.

Discovered Shakespeare Can Be Fun (who knew???.....only kidding...) series on thepioneerwoman.com and ordered a set for J. I think she'll love them and Mrs. Kacak is excited too!

Please pray for Murray. Tumor found and surgery coming. She needs some extra ones right now.

No....we have not forgotten to do gratitude lists but I don't have them here and my brain is officially mush so you'll just have to wait. So there!

Events

Y'all I am tired....beat up and exhausted. We've had some exciting events going on that I can't disclose but I need a mini-break. Hang in there with me...I'll be back....

Our AT

I have had our AT on my mind lately. We are so fortunate to have her. She is open-minded and willing to try different approaches. Her work in trauma is really amazing and she is always right-on the mark for what is going on with J. She is still willing to work with Janice & Barbara if it's needed and always builds me up and gives me great ideas. She always honors my ideas and never makes me feel like an idiot (I realize there are days that I am one ;-)). When she saw how much difference Reiki made with J she quickly made the decision that she would be attuned for Reiki as well and is using it in her practice with much success. How cool is that?!?! Most people would have just poo-pooed the whole idea but then again not everyone is as open-minded as Kristy.

My dear, friend Chris (who attuned both Kristy & I to Reiki) came over Monday evening to give J some crystals and a dream catcher. It worked out that Chris was able to give me a Reiki treatment with J watching so that she could see what is going on since most of the time her eyes are shut. Then Chris & I did Reiki on J together. It was really cool. Chris said that she could tell that some of her chakras are not right because of the sexual abuse but that her heart chakra was very strong. Chris told J that her spirit was a beautiful pink rose and that someday that pink rose would be where everyone could see it as she continues to get better. Something about that statement was very profound for me (it was for J too) and moved me to tears. Thank you Chris for all you do for us. I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Helping another RAD mom get started on the k12.com program to homeschool her radishes. Very exciting although I have no idea where I'm going to fit this in but tickled she's going this route since it's turned out to really help J in so many areas. How I wish that I could be a SAHM.

Lunch was such a nice treat today. I got to see my friend Mary (Mountain Mary) which always just makes my day! I'm expecting a 30 lb box of books from my other Mary (Texas Mary) and can't wait for them to get here. Monday I ordered the whole Little House collection (Laura Ingalls Wilder). As a child these were my favorite books so I'm really excited to start this journey with J. It should be a trip down memory lane for me.

G is somewhere in WV having a grand ole time on a motorcycle trip. I'm trying not to worry. Part of me pines for the Harley days. Then I hear his voice at the end of the day and he is soooo dragging and I remember that tired feeling and the sore butt feeling and the can't walk feeling and the next morning trying to get my leg over the motorcycle feeling and then I don't feel so bad anymore. I get to sleep in my comfy bed and walk like a lady instead of a bow-legged cowboy. :-)

This afternoon my darling little Mattison will be back. How unfortunate for her....but when you throw dirt in your Awesome Mom's face (on purpose) twice bad consequences will occur. Lucky me though....my house will be spotless soon.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Chris
2. Mountain Mary
3. Texas Mary
4. Book anticipation
5. Mattison

J's Gratitude:
1. Learning about silkworms
2. Learning about the Great Wall
3. Bubble Wars
4. Mattison is coming to do my chores
5. ?????

Bubble War

Rock Star (that's Mr. Rock Star to you) (a/k/a Hunka Hunka Burnin Love) & Little Miss Drama Queen facing down for a bubble war....

Napper has a new foster mom!

God bless my friend, Sandy, for helping me find Napper a foster home. It was hard to do but I know it would've been so much harder for J if we had waited 3 more weeks. She had meltdowns last night and ALL day today. It was really funny (well...now it's funny). I had let the dogs out to potty and J decided to throw a big screamer for who knows what. I had opened the door to call the dogs back and usually it takes a few minutes to get them both inside. They heard J and came running to protect me. I mean in a FLASH! Whew...it got interesting for a few minutes.

I had to meet Sandy at 7 in C'ville to transfer Napper. J & I talked about appropriate reactions to Napper leaving. She did really great while we were with Sandy but as we were pulling out of the parking lot she started crying real. genuine tears and talking about her feelings and that she was going to miss him. I pulled into another parking lot and let her crawl up in my lap to comfort her. She started feeling a little better and I said, "why don't we go see Big Mama"? (G's mother) J didn't get a chance to answer because there goes Priscilla (Big Mama's weekend caretaker & driver) and Big Mama driving through the parking lot. I was the crazy woman running across the parking lot to catch them. Hope no one I know saw that. ;-0

So J got to see Big Mama for a few. It always makes me a little sad to see her because now she doesn't remember us (Alzheimer's) and it always stings since she's been a part of my life for over 30 years but I know it's part of it. Been there done that with my grandmother. But it still stings.

Then of course we had to go to the DQ and get a milkshake. Yep I know J's shouldn't have dairy but sometimes nothing fixes a heart quite like chocolate milkshakes. Home to bed and hopefully tomorrow's going to be a better day.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Sandy
2. Sandy
3. Sandy
4. Sandy
5. Sandy

J's Gratitude: (yep...she did one even though she was Bad Attitude Betsy today)
1. Napper will have a great new home tonight
2. Homegrown blueberries in my Cheerios
3. Learning about shadows in science
4. Awesome Teacher
5. I have my own room

What Lies Beneath....

He's still below the surface. I am so praying that they find him instead of having to wait till the water flips in October.

J has been playing dumb blonde all day. (No offense to all the blondes out there, natural or bottle). Ya know it's kinda cute the first time but by the 1000th it's not so darn cute anymore. I sent her to her room a few minutes ago to go find her brain or someone else's. Really didn't matter which it was just as long as she had one. It took about 5 minutes and she did find hers which is a relief. ;-0

Picked Napper up from the vet after the dentist visit and have decided to just be his foster mom. So any of you dog lovers out there that is looking for a fabulous dog...I'm your girl. Plus he's free with all problems fixed. He's a really awesome dog. Very kind, loving, well-mannered, good disposition, trainable, intelligent and cute as a button....well he will be when his hair grows out. Would be a great lap dog. Right now he kind of resembles a skinned rat. eek But give him a week or two and he'll be as cute as pie and look just like Mr. Muttley who is a friend of mine. How I wish his Mom, Mary Alice, (really awesome woman) would consider him as an addition to her family.

Lyme Disease

Well....Napper has Lyme disease. Damn. That's why he had the uncoordinated movements of a puppy when in actuality he's around 5-7 y/o. So, no ta-ta removal or teeth cleaning today. 3 weeks of antibiotics twice a day and meds in his ear twice a day for 3 weeks. Then we'll see if he's ready for the rest. Anal glands rescued but now he needs another bath so he won't be a stinky boy tonight.

He was very well behaved last night. Learned quickly to get in his crate and slept through the night without so much as a whimper.

J's a little out of sorts today but that's to be expected with a new dog in the house and the events of last night. Dentist visit this afternoon.

Welcome Maia! I am so glad that you joined in and it's great you're de-lurking. Love to hear more from you.

I have a new addiction: The Pioneer Woman. When I grow up I want to be the Pioneer Woman. Now there's something to aspire to..... Now I've heard Lauri & others talk about her but I just didn't get it. Unfortunately now I do....and my work suffers....

Proud of being a dog napper

Here's Napper! He did have long hair like Puddin but Crystal had to cut him really short to get all of the mats out. He's going to the vet tomorrow for a check up, antibiotics for the eye infection & ear infection, cutting of the ta-ta's, a teeth cleaning and something to fix the problem with his anal glands. I know....TMI...

Sushi was great. Had to rush back to pick up Napper (best I can do for a name till I know him better). Introduced Napper to Puddin which surprises of surprises she wasn't too upset. Well....she didn't attack him. Usually she doesn't like other dogs. Getting aquainted in the house and then let them both out in the back yard (fenced in). J was going around the house because she had smushed wild black cherries all over the bottom of her feet. She left the gate open because she wasn't too happy about having to walk around the house. She didn't do it on purpose just that she was mad so she didn't check to make sure it closed. Napper took off....down the bank and was walking down the middle of the road. Told G to get J in the house and ready for bed as I rushed to get in my car in a hot pursuit dog chase. Mind you I did not do all of this gracefully or eloquently to put it mildly.





Found Napper, he came right to me, loaded him up in the truck and back to the house. J & G are outside the house. J stormed past me crying when I told her the dog was fine. I think it was the sudden relief of knowing the dog was ok and feeling guilty for leaving the gate open. She went into her room and threw herself on the bed in dramatic fashion (just as a teenager would) and proceeded to cry (real genuine tears!) J's crying..."it's all my fault." G said, "J it wasn't your fault" I pulled her up in my arms and said, "yes, J it was your fault but everything turned out ok. What was the lesson you learned to which she answered, "never leave the gate open mommy....oh mommy....I am sooo sorry and I was so scared that something was going to happen to Napper." Then we talked about what I had done wrong and I apologized. She forgave me and she'll get eggs for breakfast to make restitution. Do y'all realize how BIG this is???????? She had clear signs of a conscience!!! While believe me I could've done all this much more gracefully I was sooooo excited to see clear, distinct signs of a conscience.





I've had a weeks worth of adrenaline rushes in one day so it very possible I'll be in the bed shortly. Remembering I have to stay up and let the new baby out to potty before bed now....
P.S. If you're just joining us since yesterday morning you need to keep reading below. I've been very prolific today.

I am now also a dog napper

Sorry to leave in mid blog....

Call from G who said there was a Puddin look-a-like in the middle of a 4 lane hwy. Two teenage boys 300-400 ft away so he asked if it was there dog. Yup.... Sorry....you don't have a collar on your dog nor a leash in a 4 lane hwy....not your dog anymore. So I am officially a dog napper now too. (Priscilla...you know you are not shocked....) So to the 4 lane in the dogbulance. Picked up the cutest little fellow...called the groomer for emergency clean up (covered in mud, sand, matted horribly and panting like there's no tomorrow) and dropped him off. He's happily sitting in a crate with a plate of food and water waiting on his bath.

G: What's Puddin going to think about this?
L: Can't think about that now. I'll think about that later (can't say tomorrow since I have to pick him up after sushi.)

I think I'm going to need a bigger bed.....

Wow! (Edited) Made an oops!

4 comments in one day....I think that's a new record too. I've been worrying lately that my blog is sooo boring and mundane because I believe I have either lost all my creative writing skills that I once possessed or I've turned into a pretty boring person. Thank goodness I have loyal readers that are tracking our ups and downs. I really appreciate you sticking with me. Tudu (who got me here), PeWee, Gerri, Maggie, Torina, Mary & Lauri, you're all appreciated more than you know. Then there's all you lurkers out there, you know who you are....I can see you and I'm so glad you're here. Would love to hear from you sometime....that is if you have something nice to say. ;-) Priscilla for lurking nearby, always only a phone call away when the world is falling apart. Knowing that you're always cheering for us when we're up and crying with us when we're down. I am so grateful for you.

PeWee, that Laundry Pure thing is one of the most amazing inventions ever. At first I thought it was pretty hokey and that I was wasting my money at first but I love that thing! I did use a demo machine for 2 weeks before I bought it and then I wouldn't let him have his demo machine back. I held it hostage! The nice salesman thought I was kidding. Not! He didn't get his demo unit back until my unit had arrived. Sorry buddy! Nice soft towels, colors never fade, no more buying detergent or fabric softener. It's truly an addiction. When it broke I swear I thought I was going to start hyperventilating! How silly is that?!?

Now on to J....
She was such a fast & snappy girl this morning that she had time to get her hair straightened and put up just like mom's. Scrambled eggs and homegrown tomatoes for breakfast was a real treat. Usually during the week it's a cereal breakfast. Personally I just hate breakfast before 9 AM. Never have liked food early in the morning. Yuck! Cooking eggs at 9 is fine. Cooking eggs at 7 AM is pure love.

Maggie is right....it's best to enjoy all these precious moments of "wonderful". They do hold me together when things go downhill. So much progress has been made. I am so grateful!

This afternoon Daddy G is taking us girls out for sushi. J will soooo be loving that!!!

I should be working right now but I've got to finish a story. Maybe someday I'll be a Pioneer Woman. Priscilla you've got to check this out. You will love it! Yup...all of them. You won't regret it. I am so hooked....

They're searching the shorelines today. Rescue was out at 7 AM this morning according G.

G just called and there's a Puddin look a like in the middle be back...

Cloudy with a chance of rain

Another cloud was painted today. Yahoo! At this rate, with our current drought situation, the chances of it raining is greater in her classroom than it is outside. Last night the clouds & strong winds were just teasing us. Same thing tonight.

J earned a page full of check marks today so she got a bottle of nail polish, barrettes and a yummy sweet & salty breakfast bar for snack. She was also excited about tacos for dinner. She loves tacos and we use lettuce for shells instead of tortillas. Yummy!

Right before bed she got a little out of sorts and had a mini-fit. No big deal and she recovered quickly. Y'all do realize that it's been 7 days of having "fun to be around J". Enjoying the good while it lasts. Yes, Tudu, it's been such a blessing. Thanks to you too Torina. I suck at taking pictures. I get too busy living life and forget that it's important. PeWee don't feel bad. I have this effect on just about everyone including myself. ;-) Remember that when the student is ready the teacher appears. ;-)

3 days and counting and they haven't found the body yet. Hating it for the family and hoping he turns up soon preferably not under G's dock (which is what I'm dreaming about). G is on his way up there and he's braver than me. I told him to go look under the dock and he asked what he should do if he found him and I told him to start screaming like a little girl. J should've taught him a thing or two about that! Nothing on the news about it except these 2 articles.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Clouds
2. Fresh blueberries. Yum!
3. More homegrown tomatoes
4. My Laundry Pure is fixed finally. I was lost without it. Some of the best money I've ever spent.
5. High winds & thunder may mean some rain. Doubtful but a girl can still hope....

J's Gratitude:
1. Having an awesome day at school
2. Popping shipping bubbles
3. Popping my poppers
4. Having a hot recess
5. 36 good choices
6. Only 3 bad choices
7. Invitation to Natalie's B-day pool party
8. Barrettes
9. Pink nail polish
10. Mrs. K for painting my nails & toes
11. Mrs. K for buy me a bottle of polish & barrettes
12. Have salty crunchy bars for snack

10 of these she listed as fun. Y'all can figure out which ones. ;-)

Falling down with gratitude

Chrissi is gone on vacation to NYC, Boston, DC, and Niagra Falls with a group of German Au Pairs so this leaves J staying with Mrs. Kacak until I get off work. Now usually a huge transition like this is really hard for my baby girl. It would usually result in meltdowns because that's what you do when you're emotionally 2/3. J had a great day. Things were a little tricky before lunch but she was able to talk about it and move on. More beaming from proud mom.....

She wrote a lovely thank you note to Mrs. Kacak:

Dear Mrs. Kacak,
Thank you for the spelling book. Thank you for the children's thesaurus book. Thank you for the children's dictionary book. Thank you for the children's encyclopedia book. I'm going to have a blast with these books!
Sincerely,
J
Pretty great for 1st Grade! I purchased these books and decided to let Mrs. K take the credit for them to give her some more power.

Tonight she had time to play with her poppers and she had a great time helping in the kitchen for dinner. Right after I had put her in the bed I realized that she hadn't thrown a fit during the transition so I went right back in her room.

Mom: Honey bunny do you realize that you had a huge transition today?

J: I did????

Mom: Yes, ma'am. Miss Chrissi was gone and you spent the whole day with Mrs. K and didn't throw a fit.

J: Wow! I didn't! I am really proud of myself!

Mom: Me too honey bunny!

J: I'll just bet I can do that again tomorrow!

Fingers crossed for her...

They're still dredging & diving for the body. Please Lord let them find him soon. We heard today that he was swimming and started feeling bad so he told his wife to bring the boat closer so he could hold on to the side. Before she got to him he went under. 53 y/o. How sad for his family...

Really bad storm heading our way so I've got to check out soon.

Ok....I've been really lazy lately and we haven't been doing our gratitude lists at dinner. My bad... So tonight we had to make up for some lost time so hang in there:

Lisa's
1. Rain
2. Homegrown tomatoes, green beans, cucumbers, silver queen corn
3. The hands that grew them & the hearts that shared them.
4. A great weekend
5. No meltdowns

J's Gratitude:
1. Having a blast in school
2. Riding my scooter, bike and playing with my hula hoop
3. Excited to see mom
4. Mrs. K letting me look at pictures of reptiles and mammals online.
5. Having a great time at lake
6. Got to see Daddy G
7. Going swimming
8. Making cookies with mom
9. Daddy G reading to me
10. Daddy G for taking me for a boat ride
11. Playing bubbles with Daddy G
12. Getting to pet Puddin
13. Books from Mrs. K
14. Going to the beauty parlor
15. Playing in the bumper boat
16. Playing ball with Mom

God works in mysterious ways....

Friday J got her ears lowered by a couple of inches and the cut is very cute! We did a quick run by the grocery store and headed to the lake. We made it there just in time to unpack and throw some dinner together before it was J's bedtime. I forgot the cable for the MP3 player so we made the decision to get up really early and head to Wally world to pick up another. Girls have to have tunes ya know! Saturday morning we blew in and out of Clayton in record time. Even stopped by Mickey D's to pick up J's 3 biscuits which were promptly devoured. We were in the lake by 9:30! We are fast & snappy girls!

A glorious day relaxing & splashing in the lake. Daddy G arrived just in time for dinner and read J her new Junie B book so he certainly made up for last weekend. After J went to bed we spent the rest of the evening watching Charlie Wilson's War. Fabulous movie by the way!

Miss Meg's for breakfast. 3 giant pancakes, 2 pieces of bacon, 2 sausage patties, 2 fried eggs over medium disappeared in one inhale. My girl can make food disappear faster than you can say grace.

G & J had a great time with some big bubble makers. Then J was in the water playing with her bumper boat. Squirting everything to her hearts delight! G drove back home to get his trunks and came back by boat. He had forgotten J's lifevest in his boathouse so we loaded up to run pick it up. Just as we got to his cove a boat pulled up beside us and said we couldn't go in and that the lake had been shut down because someone had drowned. J was a little upset about this but we quickly closed our eyes and sent some pink love, blue light and asked God to watch over the person who had gotten hurt and his family. That seemed to make her feel so much better.

As y'all know we were at my lakehouse this weekend because of last weekend's events. J had said that we needed to spent the weekends at my house for 2 weeks to get over last weekend. Boy was that ever a God thing! G said when he was leaving his house there was a boat of screaming people and he didn't get that something was wrong. If J & I had been there that would've really freaked J out! Probably me too.... Sure am glad I wasn't in control of that situation.

Last night J unpacked fast & snappy then came to help me in the kitchen. She was quite the helper too! She VOLUNTEERED to unload the dishwasher all by herself. You heard the "volunteered" right??? Then she asked to cut up the tomatoes and peel and cut the cucumbers. She is really doing great at learning to peel & cut. Very proud of my muchkin! We had home-grown tomatoes which I swear is manna from heaven, home-grown cucumbers, smushed potatoes (courtesy of Sarah in Ode to a Potato), home-grown silver queen corn, and hamburger steak. I am so grateful for everyone that sends us home-grown veggies to adorn our table. Next year I have got to find a place to have a garden!

P.S. They still haven't found the body yet even though the search started about an hour after the accident which was around 11 AM. They've brought in cadaver dogs, 3 sets of divers and rescue boats and no luck yet. Guess it would be fair to say we won't be going swimming.

More good days....

No med change since J is maintaining very well. We had a great time hanging out yesterday afternoon. She was lots of fun to be around. 10 minute p-doc appt (whoo hoo) got us out in time to hit the health food store and get the heck out of the dodge before the moving parking lot started. I pined (and whined) as I passed Pappadeaux's but I didn't want to risk the parking lot fiasco. I do not do moving slower than a snails pace well. Knowing full well that I probably scared PeWee this week with our phone conversation. I am a full speed ahead, don't slow down for anything but animals & children kinda girl. So.....I just had to dream about crawfish etoufee instead. North of the "parking lot" we had dinner and made a quick trip to Sam's for a big bag of baking soda for J's baths.

Quick stop to drop off Monya's wheat free items that I picked up at the health food store. After J was in the bed I started googling wheat free items for my mom. She just recently discovered that she is allergic to wheat so we're all in the process of trying to find foods that could replace. It's astonishing all the products that wheat is in! I read enough to just get me curious enough to wonder if this could be contributing to J's serious farting problems. Seriously people, the child farts like Uncle Arnold in How to Lose a Guy in 10 days. Wednesday morning she had to have another bath before she started school because she reeked from 10ft away!!! The wheat allergy didn't show up when she tested positive for bovine allergies (she can have goat milk/cheese) and there are a high number of RAD kids that have an allergy to milk so not shocking.

The thought of having to change our diet even more is a revolting thought so I am going to start doing a food/fart journal somehow (I know you are praying at this very moment that it won't be here) and see if we can trace it back to food. Oh joy of joys.....

Waiting to hear how G did at the Grand Ole Opry last night. I am sure he will be feeling like a rockstar again today. Chrissi is leaving in the morning for her 2nd (10th) vacation. This time she's going to NY, Boston, DC, Niagra Falls and she's really excited.

Jessi is out sick today with strep so J is working on her Saturday chores. Chrissi will drop J & Puddin off this afternoon at my office and we'll head to the beauty parlor to see Robin for a snip (J not me), grocery stop & to my lakehouse for a weekend of swimming and just being generally lazy. Whoo hoo!

Please pray for my friend, Torina. Rough times right now and she could use some extra ones going up.

It's a New World Record!

J had 5 straight days of really trying hard and having great days. I am beaming with pride. Can you see the glow where you are????

Now the last 2 days have been difficult for her but we've attributed it to Mrs. Kacak having a hard time in her personal life right now and J seems to be feeding off it since she doesn't have really good boundaries yet. We worked out things for J to do if Jessi felt bad today...being helpful, getting her a glass of water, making good choices so that Jessi isn't more stressed, etc. Hoping it helps but still happy to have 5 straight days.

Sunday & Monday she did salt baths which really cleansing for toxins. 1lb sea salt and 1lb baking soda, soaking for 20 minutes. I set her up with soft music, glasses of water (she gets really thirsty doing this) and candles. You know....a big girl bath.... Well...for people who actually have the patience to sit in the tub. I am not one of those.... She gets out of the bath really relaxed and yawning. Her sleep is much deeper and less hyper-vigilant after these baths.

Yesterday she had way toooooo much energy. Like jumping out of her skin energy. Could hardly calm down enough to work in therapy. I think I made the mistake of giving her Reiki 2 days in a row which is something I don't usually do. Note to self: no more Reiki until a little calmness appears.

New technique from AT to switch up the brain: Sit on floor with feet stretched out in front. Put right hand over left hand and pull into the power-sitting hook-up position. Put left foot over right foot. Put tongue on roof of mouth and breathe in a short breath. Close mouth and exhale slowly through the nose. Repeat breathing technique 15 times. Worked like a charm!

Today we are heading to the p-doc for a med refill. 2 hours getting there, 1 hour in office, 3-4 hours home since we'll be sitting in the moving parking lot that is Atlanta. Yippee...insert sarcasm here. Tomorrow is hair snipping day for J.

Hoping to order the Brain Gym teachers edition tomorrow (if I can find it) so that we can start doing that at home too.

My friend, Chris suggested a "dream catcher" in her room and I think that's a great idea. J will love the story.

Amen

Now if I could just get over my addiction to Gray's Anatomy & Desperate Housewives I could do this. Just thinking about it is giving me the shakes though....

I am a smudger

Where to begin....

Friday J had a great day in school! Yippee! I have been told by 3 different people that I needed to smudge my house, myself & J. What the heck is smudging???? Was told to use copal instead of sage and be sure to get behind doors, inside closets and drawers. So my friend Chris gave me enough to get started and Saturday morning we had a smudging ceremony. "God please take away all the negative energy and leave us with a house of peace." J loved it and had the best time. She helped show me where all the negative energy was hiding!

We left early to go to the lake and J swam all day and had a blast! She learned to dive and swim underwater (without holding her nose)! It was a big day. JJ and AJ (friends of G) arrived by boat around 4:30. I sent J up to the house to see if Daddy G was there yet and if so, to tell him that JJ & AJ were there. He was but wouldn't come down to the dock. Trying to be polite (note to self: don't do that again!) I invited AJ & JJ to come up. Invitation accepted. Keep in mind that AJ is very loud and add some alcohol and it's totally out of hand. G is naturally loud too a lot of the time.

G was cooking (big gasp here) dinner when we got up to the house. I started J on her bath noticing that things were loud in the kitchen but didn't pay it a lot of attention. Passing through the kitchen offering to help AJ had taken over my kitchen and was cooking dinner and I was told to get out. Not a good sign. Where's a taser when you need one???? Gracefully excused myself and I started getting cleaned up for dinner. G came in and said J was screaming for me. Running in the bathroom expecting disaster and finding that J just wanted to get out of the tub. Bad mama did not see the signs of distress. Totally missed it in the chaos. Gave her 5 more minutes to soak as she was doing a sea salt soak. Went back in a few minutes and got her out and started her drying her hair. This was my attempt to keep her out of the chaos for a few more minutes hoping against hope that JJ & AJ would leave. No such luck.

Dinner ready and instead of leaving JJ & AJ wait for us to finish. See the clouds going across J's face since the chaos is sitting behind her. J decides she's not hungry. Huge sign of distress. My child is ALWAYS hungry. Finally JJ & AJ decide to leave and G walks them down to the dock. He's gone for over 1 1/2 hours talking to them at the dock. Also keep in mind that Daddy G only sees J (by his choice) Saturday evening (J goes to bed at 7) and Sunday until 3:30 or 4 when we leave to come home. They have a tradition of laying on the couch reading stories, playing games and other fun stuff before bedtime. So J is waiting patiently for the couple of hours that is precious to her with her Daddy G and he's blowing her off (in her mind). G calls up and says he's going on a boat ride with JJ & AJ. Well....I am not going to deliver this news to J so I politely say that we're going to go on home but to go ahead and have a great time. Big huff! "Fine! I won't go! I'm coming up!" Well... that is code for "I'm coming up but you're going to pay cause I'm going to be in a crappy mood so we'll all be miserable." NOT going to happen.

By the time he came up we had the car packed and very kindly said thanks for letting us swim & for dinner and then we split. When we got in the car J let out a heavy sigh. I asked her how she was feeling. She said, "thanks for letting us go home Mom. I really want to sleep in my bed tonight because that was really scary." Me, "what was scary honey?" J, "Those people were really scary and I was really scared of them last week too." (They came by after the fireworks last weekend.) Next was, "why didn't Daddy G not want to see me?" I tried to be honest but w/o making G look bad. Wasn't easy at this point. I understand he wants to see JJ & AJ. I totally get that! Yet he sees them 4 or 5 times a week and J only a 24 hour period and she's sleeping for 12 of those hours! On the good side I am so proud of her to be able to tell me what she was feeling instead of throwing a fit and to know that going home to sleep in her bed would make it all better. Very HUGE! She was really down but we were able to talk through all her feelings. I asked her what would it take to make her feel better and she said that Daddy G needed to apologize to her and she didn't want to go there for 2 weeks and to go to my lakehouse instead. Very cool again! Right before I put her to bed she said, "Mom, we need to smudge the lakehouse and Daddy G too." That child amazes me sometimes with her astuteness. You said it sweetie!

Sunday morning G arrived with the J's crystals and salt that I had forgotten. J was able to tell him what happened and I was proud yet again. He apologized. We went to the DQ for breakfast and all was right with the world. G left right after breakfast because J had a play date with her friend, Maddy, after church. A few minutes after he left June called and Maddy wasn't coming because her father had hurt her feelings and had some really bad behavior. J was disappointed but accepted it.

Shopping was next on the list. Now shopping is most certainly my most dreaded chore but it is J's favorite thing so shopping we went. J had $23 of her own hard earned money that she had budgeted for spending money. (Y'all know she budgets her money into categories of Spending, Christmas/gifts, Tithes & Savings.) My smart girl has $44 in savings, $40 in Christmas & $15 in tithes! So to Target we go and she discovered she had enough to buy this toy which was on sale for $17.48 and a hula hoop! She was so proud of herself!

Daddy G showed up with sushi in hand. I had already made home-grown fried okra, juicy red tomatoes, silver queen corn, fried green tomatoes, cucumbers and corn bread so we had a spread. Did I mention that my kid loves to eat????? Daddy G asked J how her play date went. Black cloud across her face again.....Then she told him that Maddy didn't get to come. "Why not," asked Daddy G. Very matter of factly J said, "her daddy hurt her feelings too." Ouch! That stings! After Daddy G picked his feelings up off the floor he apologized.

Very proud of J for telling yet again how she feels. Using words instead of meltdowns......Very big stuff!

Now I need help....anybody know where you can buy boxes of good, cheap children's books. J's in 1st grade but reading on 3rd grade level. Anybody got any ideas???? I am listening.....

Poopy Panty Patrol

It's baby steps I tell ya but I'm so happy to have them. Lots of processing in AT but that dadgum hateful FM still keeps turning up. The AT put Daddy G on Poopy Panty Patrol with J. He's to come randomly and intermittantly to do a panty check. Not the ones that are on her of course but the ones in her diaper pail. We're all hoping that this will assist in clearing the problem up because she DOES NOT want Daddy G to find poopy/peed panties in an inspection. God bless Daddy G. He agreed to do it. Gotta love him.... The rest of the day was hit or miss and not really stable.

Today started off pretty shaky with a whole lotta lying going on and the speed factor was slower than a snail's pace. Then more visualizing, tapping and pushing Lying, Sneaky J out and bringing Sweet, Strong, Brave J back. When Jessi arrived things improved greatly and she had a really good day in school. Her awesome teacher (me) made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies (it's a southern staple I swear!) last night for snack today in school and she had such great choices she had 2!

Hoping all goes well the rest of the day.

Regression

1 step forward....2 back....
Yesterday J sat in her classroom chair (after school doing homework) and decided her chair was a good enough toilet. *heavy sigh* More meltdowns....ODD....
The good news is that it's been a while since this behavior has appeared around Chrissi & I. The bad news is it brings on PTSD for me.

Any holding and talking about what could be the problem is a dead end. She can't seem to make heads or tails of it. Regular AT appt @ 11 is being anxiously awaited by all of us. More will be revealed later.

Hmmmm.

Yesterday we had emergency therapy and it helped. (J even asked to go to therapy. Woo hoo at recognizing her needs! Turns out it was the movie was the problem. The wicked witch sent her into another realm. Her perception of scary is much different than most kids. Pretty much anything is really scary but the witch really bothered her this time (she's watched this movie before). It triggered memories of the bad foster mom and something that happened with macaroni & cheese. (This seems to happen no matter what we watch that something is triggered) The AT is working on a new tapping algorythym (EMDR) to work out some of the trauma because this is not in the past in J's perception.

Reiki last night and this morning she was extremely fast & snappy and in a great mood. She did very well until 9:30 and things went downhill. Threw a major screamer. I went home and tried to help her work through some of it and thought it helped until I called for an update later. On my way home to see if she can turn it around......

Holiday

Back to the real world. Friday J did wonderfully. We had a great time swimming and she was tuckered out by 6:30 and asked to go to bed early. When we got up Saturday it was raining so I thought (bad thought bad) watching a Barbie movie cuddled up on the couch would be a good idea. Now I know I've been told over and over that TV is bad for RAD but we will watch an occasional Barbie movie and it's proven to me over and over again that it's not good because it always seems to suck her brain right out of her head. Well it did it again. It was downhill from there. A bunch of bad decisions meant that she had a time in with me on the dock before she could go swimming. After time-in she swam for several hours before G arrived. G took her on a boat ride to his sister's house and there were lots of people there which meant "scary" for her. Of course that didn't help. Several more bad decisions.

At dinner it was obvious that she was pooped so she went on to bed at 6:30 with the promise that I would wake her up for the fireworks. She did really great at the fireworks except for being disrespectful to G about blowing the horn. (She thought she should be in charge of blowing the horn.)

Sunday AM more of the same and she came very close to throwing a full blown meltdown in front of G & Craig which amazed even me. I had her do some running up and down the steps and things improved slightly and I let her go on a boat ride with all of us instead of us sitting the boat ride out. Hindsight being 20/20 we should've stayed at home because it was worse. The naked eye would not pick up on her behavior but being eagle-eye mom it was glaring me in the face. Kira came over for a playdate and J was rude and disrespectful to her as well. Ignoring, bossy, controlling, hateful at times and not willing to share any of her water toys that she has an abundance of. 4:30 rolled around and it was time to head home to get ready for the school day. She went home with Chrissi so that I could go to dinner with G, Craig & Murray. She threw one more screamer about that even though she knew ahead of time.

This morning she was soooooo slow that she didn't make it to eat breakfast until 7:45 instead of 6:55. Very disrespectful, couldn't remember how to strong sit, ODD, couldn't remember her metta prayer. I've done rubbing & tapping with her, blowing up her yucky pillow, etc....nothing is seeming to work. At school she was very much the same. After school major meltdowns so far, ODD, etc. Cannot put my finger on the problem for the life of me.

P.S. The gas is horrible around our house. I mean seriously like bad. G got sick at the smell. You could smell it two rooms away from her bedroom. What is up with that??????!!!!! It's always been really bad (ever since she's been here) and I've taken her to the doctor and he poo poos me away as being silly. Last weekend and this weekend it's been off the charts. Her pooh looks fine and everything seems to be in working order but it's constantly a problem. Any ideas????

Pre-Fourth

J had another fabulous day in school. Another cloud painted and so many check marks that she got to make July 4th cards for her treat! She is very proud of herself. I asked her if Mrs. Kacak changed. She said "no ma'am I changed and I just discovered she is awesome." She got all of her Saturday chores completed this afternoon so we can leave first thing in the morning to go to the lake. We'll have all day to ourselves until Saturday when Craig, Murray, Beau & Chrissi will be there to watch the fireworks. The firework display at Lake Burton is always stellar and the booming echoes from the mountains are fabulous! God help me...I even bought some junk food to take with us. The world must surely be coming to an end. ;-0

This evening she made some sassy (disrespectful) remarks to Chrissi but she's outside cleaning out Chrissi's van to make restitution (her idea). I'm hoping she gets to bed before midnight.

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Great friends
2. Kisses from an awesome daughter
3. Packing for the lake
4. J having 3 bad choices and 30 good choices in school today!
5. Some bad people who did bad things to Tudu's babies were arrested yesterday!

J's Gratitude:
1. Having an awesome day in school! (fun)
2. Painting a cloud in the classroom (fun)
3. Awesome teacher
4. Making Independence Day cards (fun)
5. Cooking with Miss Chrissi (fun)
6. Dancing to music (fun)
7. Discovered my teacher is awesome! (fun)
8. Having a great attitude (fun)
9. Did chores fast & snappy so I can go the lake sooner
10. Talking to Daddy G on the phone (fun)

Actually there were 17 but I spared you some reading. Lucky you!
Over & outta here....we're gone to the lake!

The Great News & The Bad News

Bad News first so we can just get it over with and out of the way. Chrissi backed (plowed) the mini-van into Jessi's SUV while it was sitting in the driveway. Don't ask me how it happened. I have no idea. The good news is that the only thing broken on Jessi's car is the cover of a tail light. The mini-van didn't fair so well. The whole back door is completely unsalvageable. Dagnabit....more money.... :-(

The Great News is that J had another fabulous day at school. Jessi put an index card on J's desk and anytime she notices that J is doing a great job she doesn't interrupt J, she just puts a check mark on the card. The card was full today so her awesome teacher took her to Mickey D's for a Happy Meal. This was a real treat for J because we don't do fast food. J finished all her classwork with time to spare and has another cloud on the wall to prove it.

J also worked very hard in therapy today. She was very proud of herself and described the proud feeling as being very pink, warm & fuzzy. Pretty cool! The AT gave her a Metta prayer to repeat softly (like a chant) while she's doing her strong sitting and J already has it memorized. It's "May I be responsible. May I be respectful. May I be peaceful. May I be happy. May I be fun to be around. " She repeats it softly for 5 of the 7 minutes that she does strong sitting.

After AT we went to eat Mexican (kind of tradition for us) then to get a manicure & pedicure and on to see Daddy G. His secretary let her have some packing bubbles so J had a fabulous time popping them. There was a virtual symphony of popping!

When we got home (1 1/2 hours after eating mexican) she ate 2 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. I swear that child eats more than 5 adults put together. I asked her how she kept from being 500 lbs. She said, "I have a tube that runs down into the ground and that's where it all goes. I have to clean out the tube every couple of years with special cleaning spray that only I have." I told her I needed one of those tubes and she said, "mom, I'll wave my magic wand over you then you can eat as much as me too." I NEED one of those tubes. ;-) The child had 3 bowls of holy moly ravioli for lunch @ 1!

Lisa's Gratitude:
1. Awesome daughter
2. Jessi's car wasn't hurt as bad as the van
3. Great time with J
4. Connie (she knows why)
5. Lauri, Laura & Gerri (you gals like totally ROCK!)

J's Gratitude: (warning...it is long) (RAD kids think they never have fun so she puts "fun" after all the things she considers fun then is always amazed that one little kid could have so much.)
1. Awesome mom
2. Dad
3. Awesome teacher (fun)
4. My awesome teacher knew I needed a brush
5. My awesome teacher took me to McDonald's (fun)
6. My awesome teacher let me have a Happy Meal and a Sprite (fun)
7. Great day at school (fun)
8. Being with my awesome teacher (fun)
9. Being with my awesome Mom (fun)
10. Learning about the Trojan War in history (fun)
11. Got to see Susan (fun)
12. Got to see Daddy G (fun)
13. Susan let me have popper bubbles (fun)
14. Manicure & pedicure (fun)
15. Pink nails from mom
16. Awesome teacher let me write my name on a Children's Miracle network foot (fun)
17. I made so many great choices
18. Worked really hard in therapy
19. Ate Mexican with Mom (she ate my plate & hers too!) (fun)
20. Awesome mom let me have a peppermint patty for dessert (fun)

J's Gratitude List
1. Awesome Mom
2. Dad
3. Great day at school
4. Making clouds in a science project
5. Mom giving me a massage & Reiki
6. Listening to Reiki music all night
7. Going to Papa's & Monya's
8. Going to the cow palace with Papa

Pressure Cooker Ranting Ramble

You know....when you're sitting on the outside looking in it's so easy to judge or be critical of someone's parenting, their life, their relationships, etc. I know I have been sooo guilty of this in the past and it's something I really work on today because I don't want to be that kind of person. It's really easy to be judgmental or critical when you don't live in the situation because you have nothing to lose. When you live with the problem it gives you a whole different perspective. I guess that's where the old saying comes in "never judge someone until you've walked in their shoes".

My daughter has been to hell and back with several round-trip tickets. She has seen more trauma than most adults and it was all before the age of 5. Her bio family started her journey to hell and foster care perpetuated and exacerbated the trips. It really pisses me off which is why I try not to focus on it too much because it takes my energy away from J. Actually pissing me off is a real understatement because I don't think there's a word to cover the emotions I have about what happened to her. No child should have to go through what she went through. It's unforgiveable.

That being said....(because she's been through so much hell)...she has a LOT of problems. I can guarantee you that any adult that has been through her circumstances would have significant issues too! Is it easy being her parent? Hell No! Do I love her? Beyond anything that I ever thought possible!!! Is it worth it??? Damn straight! Will I ever give up on her??? No way! Even if both of us are living in the state-run crazy house I will be her mom forever!

One thing I can promise you is that unless you have lived with my child who is a severely emotionally disturbed don't walk in judgment of me or my parenting methods. One thing I do know is that I know my child and I know what works for her and I, as her Awesome Mom, am duty bound to do whatever is in her best interest even if it's very painful for me. That's my job. I am the adult and I have to make the hard decisions. What works for your kid(s) won't work for my kid and I am sure probably vice versa. Wouldn't it be so easy if the same thing worked for all kids???? Life would be so simple. *Heavy sigh* It doesn't work that way unfortunately. All I can do is trust my instincts and know that I have her very best interests at heart and try to do the right things to give her the help she needs. When I do screw up I model making amends by telling her I was wrong and asking what can I do to make it right.



Rant over....I think I can breathe again.... Sorry... I just had to get that out. Had someone judging my parenting skills and it really pissed me off.

Fabulous AT session yesterday with lots of progress showing. J was able to say she felt lonely. This HUGE!!! A year ago all my child could say was that she was mad. Real tears too! Since I am so co-dependent I couldn't let her cry by herself. I had to cry too. Very emotional day but so worth it. I am so proud of her. She had a fabulous day at school today and the teacher incorporated the "rubbing technique" taught to us by AT which changes her energy around because J's gets flipped a lot. It worked wonderfully! Jumpings have been added at 10-15 minute intervals and that's helping a lot with her focus. Last night I gave J a Reiki session which always calms and centers her and I did Reiki on her lifebooks (distance Reiki to help her with the traumatic past events) and she crawled into bed telling me about all the wonderful dreams she was going to have about the angels.