This was originally posted in February 2011.

During the course of attachment therapy, over the years, we have explained to J that she has RAD and shown her a diagram of healthy attachment and unhealthy attachment cycles. It was something I was really apprehensive about at first because I didn't want J to know that anything was wrong with her or for her to label herself OR to allow her to make excuses for her behavior OR teach her to see herself as a victim. Kristy honored my wishes cause she's awesome like that but I was wrong on so many levels.  It turned out to be a big mistake on my part because once we explained it to her you could see the relief in her eyes.  She had no idea WHY she had so much trouble or WHY she was so different from other kids.  She had felt lost because she didn't understand and it only exacerbated the problem.  She got it on the first explanation.   Now we remind her on an as needed basis.  Whether it's FAS or just different levels of healing, she needs to be reminded of it.  And the light bulb goes on again for her every. single. time. 

Kristy has a chart in her office that we use to explain this to her.  A diagram of the attachment cycle to use with our kids can be found here.  I'm going to print it out and use it at home as well. It certainly can't hurt.  On the first diagram, during the explanation, we explain what are some of the needs a baby has and what the mother does to meet the needs.  The second diagram we go through what the baby needs and how the mother doesn't meet the needs.  The last diagram we go through what happens with during the 2nd year of attachment and how the child learns limits and boundaries.  Now that J is healthier and been through these explanations a gazillion times she can rattle them off all by herself.  Every time she does she gets a little better because she internalizes them each time she says them.

Just sharing what has worked for us.

Communicating Sparkly Bits

Parenting any kid, but especially a kid from trauma, our postural communication is so important.  Absolutely, your facial expressions and regulated voice is so important but 80 to 93% of all our communications are postural.  Changing postural habits is just important as changing our verbal communication.

Before J came home I listened to Deborah Hage's CD, Parenting With Pizzazz.  Actually since that time I've probably listened to it over 30 times in the last 6.5 years.  It's a gem of a CD.  Unfortunately it's not available anymore or at least not anywhere that I can find it.  She also has a book, Therapeutic Parenting - It's a Matter of Attitude.

Deborah is a mother that parents trauma and also a therapist.  Her delivery is rich, funny and engaging.  The most memorable line in the CD is, "You can't bond with a bitch."  Some of the wisest words that I've heard.  I have to remind myself daily.

I have to remind myself of this over and over and over.  Sometimes on a minute by minute basis.  I also have to remind my face that I'm happy.  After living in stress mode for several years I think I've developed a permanent frown.  It's not from being unhappy - it's from waiting on the other shoe to drop.  We start living in stress and we're always preparing ourselves for the next therapeutic parenting move we've got to make or be ready to head off the next tantrum, etc.  It's easy for our faces to become stuck.

Enter my brilliant friend, Mary, who turned me on to Amanda Gore last week.  Oh my goodness this is good stuff!  That she is so comical just makes it even better.  I had never heard of her but as a mom parenting a kid in hard places, this video is priceless.  Every time I watch it I hear Deborah Hage in my head too.

So watch, enjoy and turn on your sparkly bits.  It will make this therapeutic parenting stuff much easier.



Here's another one on how to show someone you love them.  Again, priceless....  Watch then go "zoot zoot on your kid.



One more and I'll shut up.  I'm going to be watching for Ta Da's in J's life.  Starting tomorrow I will be parenting with pizzazz and enthusiastic about the little things.




The World Tapping Summit (free) starts tonight.  Click here for the link.

Prescribing

Prescribing the problem.  It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  Feel free to beat me with a wet noodle.  I can take it.  :)

I wrote about it here in January 2011

Again here, in February 2009

There are more going back to early 2008 but I'm too lazy to copy and paste all the links besides you're not going to click on them anyway.

Our kids ache to push all of our buttons.  Every stinking one of them.  They are like stealth missiles, aimed to search and destroy.  And they take us down.  Then all you end up with is a big wasteland because they have accomplished their mission to make us do the great big splat.  How do you diffuse a bomb?  Very carefully.

Everything you let get under your skin they are going to do it until you're ready to jump off a bridge.  If you can show that it doesn't bother you that's when you will start to see a reduction in behaviors.

The bigger reaction you have to their behaviors the longer they are going to test you with them.  


Anything that annoys/shocks you.  Prescribe it.

That which you accept does not control you.

Kristy first introduced me to the miracles of prescribing the problem waaaaaayyyyy back in 2007.  Then I wanted to hurt her because seriously you want me to tell J to do more of something that is already driving me crazy. Get real, lady.....I'm sooooo NOT going to do that.  No way, Jose!

But I did it anyway..... because I always do what Kristy tells me to do.  She hasn't failed me yet.

It took me quite a bit of time to master this technique.  I mean it really goes against everything that you would think you should actually do.  I kept practicing......

First though, I had to do it way wrong.  My delivery was horrible.  Prescribing the problem with bad delivery does NOT work.

Subtract the sarcasm.  Sarcasm will guarantee that it will not work.

Snideness doesn't work either.  Big surprise.

A kind and regulated voice is an absolute must.

Control battles DO NOT work.  If they don't want to do it.  Don't make them.  Why would you want to torture yourself more?  Wait till they're regulated.

There are several ways to use prescribing the problem effectively.

Scenarios:


#1
There are the the behaviors that you wish with all your heart and soul would just disappear.  Such as your kid pees/poops in inappropriate places.  Prescribe the problem.  (remember no sarcasm)

"Oh honey, I noticed you've got some really big feelings going on since you're showing me with pee/poo."  Tonight I want you to be sure to pee here (gesturing around their room), here and here and don't forget here too and by the way, anywhere else that you need to put some big feelings pee there too.  It's not a problem.  I know someday you'll be able to voice your big feelings instead.   I love you and will wait till you're ready."

Then walk away.  Don't say another word.  You cannot care if they pee/poo on all the places that you just gestured to or it will not work.

Remember if they do pee/poop in those places, they are doing what you told them to do so you win and they do too.
If they don't do it, you still win and they win too.

#2
Your kid like to *ahem* show inappropriate body parts or *ahem* likes to pay a lot of attention to inappropriate body parts in inappropriate places.  Prescribe the problem.

Dia actually is the one that clued me on this one and I have to say it works like a charm.  She is sooo wise.

Prescribe it every hour.  Seriously.  Especially when they are doing something really fun like riding their bikes or whatever.  Interrupt the fun activity for the private activity.

Of course they need to go to their room, bathroom or appropriate private place.

"Honey, you need to run to your (private room) and practice (whatever word works for your family) for 15 minutes.  I'll let you know when your time is done then you need to wash up."  We always use the correct terminology for all body parts, acts, etc. so there is no confusion.  *Gasp*

#3
Using profanity.  Prescribe it.  Yes.  Do it.  I don't care how offensive it is.  Prescribe it.  I've even had one to end every sentence with the profane word. For the whole day.  It's never happened again.

#4
Rolling eyeballs, giving the finger and other annoying things.....  Prescribe it.

"Honey, stand right here and we're going to practice (insert annoying behavior).  You go first.  Then practice it together."

#5
Use prescribing right before you know something inevitable is going to happen.  Such as, you've just told your child to go get ready for bed.  You know that your child always has to have a fit before they go to bed.  Prescribe it.

"Honey, I want you to go get ready for bed but first I want you to throw a fit. Make it big one please."  This is called heading them off at the pass.  It works almost every time.




Always remember that the more they know something they annoys/offends you, the more they are going to do it. 

It is just the way it is.

P.S.  I didn't know till this afternoon that the link to the seminar wasn't working.  I've repaired it now so look in the post below for the links.

Seminar

I fully expected to have to wait for a few days, if not a week or more, for Brad to have time to upload last nights call.  Since he's super fast they are ready to go.

If you click here you can listen to the full call from last night.

If you click here you can listen to just the amazing guided imagery that Brad did for us.

Clicking here will take you to the full page where you can pick and choose from our call or others videos.

You can download them too.  They're already on my phone and ip*d. :)

Quotes from Brad, "Do this on a daily basis and watch what happens."

"There is no bad tapping. Just do it."

Quotes

Thank goodness Christine was taking notes last night.  How she multitasks with tapping and typing is beyond me.

Quotes from Brad Yates during the seminar last night:

"Sometimes givers feel guilty about feeling good." 


"I'm not sure I knew it would be this hard, and I'm not sure I can handle it. In fact, there are times when I'm sure I can't handle it.

Even though I feel this despair, I choose to deeply and completely love, honor and accept myself ... and my kids ... and anyone else who might be involved in this."


"I look at tapping as energetic hygiene."


"I spend so much time giving love to my kids and others, I rarely have any left over for myself ... I need to take care of myself first before I can take care of others ... I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to treat myself with love, even though I sometimes make mistakes. Then I have more love to give." 


"So often, what we think our kids need is based on what we WANT them to have. That's not wrong, but a lot of it has to do with our own stuff. So, we want to do our own clearing before 
we suggest what our kids need [when tapping]."


On how he does this so well, "God is good at what I do."


"No one can make me feel bad."


"I choose to feel love."


"No rules."


‎"The person who needs to forgive me is myself"




"You can't do this wrong." - Kristy (Lisa Amos's kickin' A attachment therapist) in talking about tapping.


**************


A few of the comments posted after the seminar are below.  They warmed my heart. 


Christine: "I could hear and feel everyone tonight in my heart. It was one of the most vulnerable, overwhelming and beautiful experiences of my life."


Wendy K. :"Sitting here like jello after an intense 90 minute conference call on tapping. "Thanks Lisa" doesn't even cut it. I SO LOVE Brad Yates. This was amazing."


Colleen: "Well that was freaking awesome! Thanks Lisa!!! I can't wait to listen to the guided imagery everyday from now on too! BONUS!"


Sheri: "Sitting here listening to a teleconference with tears streaming down my face because I am hearing the voices of some wonderful trauma mamas from around the United States."


Barb: "Thank you, Brad Yates, for the call-in for special needs moms tonight. Two weeks ago, we were going thru one of the toughest situations so far with our son adopted from trauma, and Lisa Amos had your 'overwhelmed' tapping video on her website. it was a lifesaver for me, and tonight was a real blessing. Thanks for having a kind and caring heart. You are blessing more moms than you can imagine."


Sheri: "Brad Yates is a Rock Star."


Brandi and Laynie: "This is freaking amazing!"


Tab: "Rocked My World!"


Dia: "That session was awesome!"


Barb: "After listening to not only Brad Yates soothing voice, but sweet Lisa's too, I am so relaxed. It might take all of two minutes to fall asleep. :-)"


De: "It was truly wonderful and soothing and gave me a chance to say things out loud to myself that I had not said before. I usually have a lot of anxiety just before falling asleep at night and last night was the first time in forever that I fell asleep with peace. The aura is still in affect this morning. I too can't wait until the guided imagery is available... I plan to use it often.: "


Carol: "I found your blog a few weeks ago, what perfect timing to be able to participate last night. For me I am not sure what was better, learning about the tapping, or being on the phone with other moms who understand the life I am living with my daughter. I have an amazing and maybe a little crazy story about last night. A week ago I was praying for strength for me and my daughter (like every morning). I kept getting this message in my head that said "clear". Now just to let you know, this is not something that happens to me every day. Maybe a few times in my life. So last night when Brad used the term "clear" I just went "WOW" is this what that message was about? I have no idea, but I will be tap, tap, tapping and find out. I tapped while my daughter raged this morning (raging is our new morning routine - but sadly after I had already lost my cool). Tomorrow I will try to tap before the cool losing. Anyway...thanks for setting this up and giving us a new tool."


Christine to Brad: "Thank you. Tonight was very personal and truly helped a lot of people understand tapping and connect with it. It's yet another powerful tool for parents. 

You made yourself available and many, many people were brave and strong to show up and be present. What a privilege to share in something so healing. Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving your time and gifts to so many."

If you were tuned in last night please share your thoughts....

Incredible!

One of the most incredible evenings.  E.V.E.R.

Brad gets our lives and is a champion for us.  Powerful stuff this evening.  Knowing so many of my friends were on the line with us was priceless.

The grass on my side of the fence is greener tonight.  Because I chose to fertilize my side of pasture.

The session was recorded.  Keep checking back.  I'll post it as soon as Brad makes it available to me.

To everyone that participated.  Thank you.

It's a Hot Date!

Our day has finally arrived.  It was almost a month ago when Brad Yates opened his heart to Trauma Mama's and offered to do a free tele-seminar on tapping.  When we finally got this event put together I announced it on this April 19th post.


Three cheers (or many more) for Brad Yates!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for caring enough to help so many mothers.  Your kindness is priceless.

Join us for a group hot date.

9 PM EST
8 PM CST
7 PM MST
6 PM PST
 

It's easy peasy to join us.  Just click on this link, Moms Call.  The phone number is there.  Dial the number then enter the access code.  It can't get any simpler than that!

Charging my phone now! :)

Rambling Update

Good news on the 10:00 medical appointment, a different med has been prescribed and the new doctor was against the 6 hour surgery that another doctor was wanting my family member to have.  Breathing a huge sigh of relief.

Waiting on the test results for J's appointment.  Hoping to having good news tomorrow.  Some other test results for J will not be back for 2 weeks.  She's been through a lot in the past fews weeks and is handling it like a champ considering how much trauma is surrounding this medical situation.  Much better than her mom at the moment.

While I am relieved at some of the good news, I am exhausted from the worrying.


Thank you, Sarah, for letting me know about this.   Tee, you are the bomb. Seriously.  I'm so grateful for all your help too.

You know you are a trauma mama when you get texts about pee.  I love you, Jenn.  You are a rock star!

I'm hoping you don't miss Thursday's Mom's Call with Brad Yates.  It's free.  Thank you, Brad.  I'm still humbled by your generosity and kindness to all of us.

If you're late to the show and need some more info on what is happening on Thursday, click here.

This exhausted mom is dragging herself to bed.

A Soldier's Story on PTSD

Click here to read the whole story.

Ramblings

Many different things are going on lately.  Many different worries are present.  Some of them are medical.  I'm trying to stay focused on the moment but my mind seems to keep drifting off in attempts to fix the worries.

3 AM found me wide awake processing.  Yeah....I probably should've tapped on that.  I probably still should.  But I'm not done with trying to control it myself and find different solutions to the situations.  I'll get there but it's a process for me to get there.  If you've emailed or called me and I haven't gotten back with you, I'm sorry.  I'll get back to you...it just make take me a little while.

Tomorrow there are some doctor appointments that some of my immediate family members will be attending.  Unfortunately they are at almost the same exact time and as much I would like to, I cannot be in two places at once.

Any good energy, prayers, kind thoughts, whatever you believe in, would be greatly appreciated.


Don't forget about our own personal tapping session on Thursday, May 3rd.  9 PM EST.  I'll be there no matter what.  Click here for the link.

On the off chance that you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here for some more details.

ETAAM

It's official!  Corey created a website just for ETAAM.  Go check it out!

Early Trauma & Attachment Annual Meeting.  Click here.

Below I have copied and pasted a post from Cindy Bodie's blog.  Her son, Chuy, tells his story and it's a story that millions need to read.  I was afraid if I just posted the link that you might not click on it.   Cindy & Chuy have given me permission to post his story here.

E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E. needs to read this.  Please send comments to Cindy's blog because she is forwarding them to Chuy's phone.

Chuy, You are A.w.e.s.o.m.e.!!!

Do not miss a word....

From Cindy:

My 16 year old son wrote this lengthy, gut-wrenching narrative last night.  I have his permission, of course, to share it.  He uses his given name here, not the nickname we call him by.  I am not proofreading, nor breaking it into paragraphs, this is his story, and it's staggeringly horrific, very, very painful to read.

I cried my eyeballs out about it.  Sobbed until late last night.  The only thing I'd disagree about is even though he referred to me as aged, at that time that we met I was only 47.  He thinks he remembers face makeup on me then.  I don't ever wear face makeup.  I must've had on some scary lipstick or something that day.

I deeply, deeply love him.  I admire and respect him.  I am blown away by his words.  I am certain that he will grow up to be an amazing man.

From Chuy:
When he opens his eyes in the morning. He sees nothing but the sky. Sleeping outside. But keeping it all inside. Never telling the full truth of his past. The true hurt and suffering that can't be told, but only experienced. Experiences that he suppresses back in his memories, but is constantly reminded of by his new, everyday life. Like seeing a child with their mom; a child with their father; a brother and sister together; a brother and another brother; smiles on peoples' faces, but that appear to be genuine. Not reminded because he was used to seeing them, but because he has always been neglected and withheld from the true joys of having someone truely care. The unexplainable comfort of a mother's arms. The unfamiliar security of a father. Always seeing families together, yet not knowing what it is like to have one. Always feeling clueless when asked about who his parents are... Or were. Having had seen things in person that his new peers only see in movies; horror movies. Being shocked when someone says "I love you"; since these words were never spoken to him before. Walking in a world that seems to be more cruel than Hell itself. Teachers see just another student, but he has learned things that they can't teach. Friends see just another friend in the distance, but he only sees their outlines, and seems to just see through them. Watching families talk and enjoy each others' company, while being the only one who knows the true bond of family; when family is the only thing that you have. He would never dream of raising a fist to someone else, but he fights tears with every passing moment. Neglected by his parents. Forgotten by society. He alone knows who he is, and where he's been. Knowing where he has been just doesn't seem to serve any purpose to him though, because he never knows where he is going. Always waking up in a new bed, or on a new floor. Never spending enough time in a single house to remember where the bathroom is. Never remembering where he wakes up. Never seeming to care if he even does wake up. He has gotten to the unfortunate state where the riding in the seat of a police car is become a too familiar and common event in his life. He faces the daily struggle of trying to hold his composure. Trying to hold his stability; not for him. but for the family that he still has. Since the cold nightmare of an event, he seems to not speak a word to anyone. Only the light whispers that he says to his little brother and sister before they go to sleep. Reminding them that he loves them. Feeling that he serves little or no purpose in this world as the middle child of a forgotten group of children who cannot even fathom the trials that they have faced, or the new hardships of what is to come in the too near of a cold future. Only being four years old, he finds it to be a normal day A day where he doesn't remember yesterday, but not to his knowledge; a day that he will never forget. Waking up he simply looks at the wall beside him. Then stares at an unusual object above his bed. He looks across the room to see his mother. He then asks her what it is, and gets the memorable reply of "What? Oh that? That is the cross. The cross where a man died to save you. He is also the man that we named you after. Now come Jesus; come out of bed." A man who died to save him? This doesn't seem to make any sense, nor does it matter to him anymore, as a few moments pass and the conversation is forgotten. The memory of today seems to be followed by only one other event, where he hears a room filled with noise and too many distracting sounds to pass his curiosity. Getting up, he begins to make his efforts into more of a rush, as whatever is happening seems to be quite exciting and is very attention-catching. As he enters the room his eyes widen; his body freezes; and his scars begin to form. The horror unfolds as he listens to a very fierce argument between his mother, and the man that he has grown up thinking of as his father. Never knowing what the argument was about, or how it started didn't even matter anymore. He closes his eyes. Then opens them as he recognizes familiar cries; his brothers and sister are in the corner together. All crying and screaming at the two who are fighting to stop, but none of them looking up even once. The forceful pull of a man he doesn't know throws him against the wall that his brothers and sister are. An officer. An officer, who unknowingly, had come just a second too late. His little sister and little brother are behind the two of his older brothers, but they all face the corner as they cry with what seems to be no resistance. Looking up, he sees the man who had pulled him to the wall beginning to yell at his parents, but with absolutely no meaning. With the quick reach of his mother's arm; the closest weapon is grasped tightly and fiercely; giant blade as tall as he was. Finding his will to divert his eyes seemingly impossible, he witnesses the most scarring event that he will have ever experienced as the blade finds its way to the man he called his father. After witnessing this, the young and frightful child then joins the flooding waters in the corner of the room. The wailling screams of 4 children, as they look up to hear the sounds of the brutal argument come to a halt, are only replaced by a silence that only deepens the memories. Time freezes as the next moment passes. Then it slowly creeps back up as the faded voices of many policemen crowd around the murderer; their mother. The ground that they were barley standing on becomes unrecognizable as the new thick, red carpet covers the it. The fuzzy sounds of the officers are muted by the shock and horror of what he had just seen. Not even noticing that he is the only person left where he had joined the rest of his family in the corner, he finally comes back to reality when he is rushed across the room to the cold streets that are filled with flashing red and blue lights; across the room covered in blood. Before he passes under the doorway that led to his new future, he turned around, looked at the scene, and fell completely silent at the sight of his small footprint in the blood stained room. Having no other family, the first place that they were sent to was with their grandparents. Not a bad decision you could suppose. But you would be very wrong. Greeted with a smile as the police officers just handed the five children over they had no choice but to accept them as their new family and this as their new home. A very rugged and worn down home that would hold as many dreadful memories as his past. A quick wave as the cars with the lights on the top of them drove off was the moment that the greeting smiles left his grandparents. Many shoves and forceful gestures later and they were in their new home. A step to the side, and they had crossed the entire house it seemed, or should I say the very crammed and unwelcoming trailer. What they had thought would be a new start was just another dead-end. A place where complete neglect and child abuse held an absolute presence. The first night was the worst. It was the worst, not because of what happened, but because they were not yet used to what would keep happening. A cold night outside, and the only slightly heart-warming touch of his older brother as he had laid himself down on the splintering porch, was only the beginning of a series of some very dark memories. All laying side by side. All having the same thought: Why? Why must we be forced through so much? Why must there be so much cruelty in this world? Why must this be the worlds I live in? What must this be the very opposite of "living"? Sleeping outside with an old rug found as their covers for the night. Only able to sleep because of the completely wearying crying that had taken place only a day before. As morning crept up there was a silence across the entire horizon in every direction. The quick realization of having had been put in a secluded area in the middle of nowhere came over him. As Jesus woke up, he could find nothing to do; nothing to do, but cry. Awaking his older brother with this only made him all the more aware that he was not asleep. It made him aware that although he was not sleeping that he was living a nightmare. An old trailer filled with two hateful people that could, but would not, take care of him and his family. He found himself completely unable to even consider them as his parents in any way. After more searching in the horizon, The now five year old child saw that the only thing around him in walking distance was a bus. He knew it was a bus because he remembered seeing one as it would pass the outside of the window in his old home. It took the older kids to school. After an eternity, everyone was awake. They decided, for some odd reason, to venture into the trailer to see what was for breakfast. "Whatever you can find over there!" That was the only reply they got as an arm extended with a finger pointing at a very old looking cupboard. Well they got to eat breakfast; if that's what you can call it. Some leftover, crushed, and unrecognizable mixture of what was supposed to be their food was found inside a box. It wasn't much, but it was at least edible. This was a daily routine. Day after day the same this was what was expected. Everything predictable, until a night filled with dark clouds covered the skys. Flashes of light scattered here and there, followed by the violent echoes of thunder as it shook the unstable boards. A click, a sudden thought came to mind. The bus. Why not go to it? It provided more cover than they had where they were, and it for some reason seemed to never move. The rush of five figures ran across the dirt, none of them seeming to ever get any further than an arm's length away. After reaching the bus they realized why it never moved. Because their initial thoughts were right on the first morning that they awoke in this Hell-hole: they were in the middle of nowhere. This bus was broken down with busted out windows and rusty metal scattered all around it. Whatever. It was still better. It did have a roof after all. This was something that brought at least the slightest of joy to them. It was away from the abusive couple, and it was much more protective from the harsh elements of the weather. None of them thought to think about the morning though. About the couple who was supposed to be taking care of them. What they would think of the sudden disappearance of them. In all honesty, probably nothing, If not nothing, then it would strike a slight jolt of joy at the riddance them. And that was right. When they finally returned to the house after awakening, they greeted with two faces that showed much anger. That anger wasn't just anger, but multiple beating waiting to happen. Quite reluctantly for them though, there was a visit from the all too familiar police officers a few days after. Looks of horror and a very shady excuse was all that was needed to remove the five children once more to, yet another, "home". All memories appeared to be the same for the next year. The repeating memories of the silent rides in the police cars. The sleepless nights at the new places that he was somehow expected to call "home". Why would he call any of these places "home"? He only knew one place to be his home, but that place seemed to be covered in horrifying memories that seemed to be written out by Satan himself. Everywhere he went there seemed to be a group of new faces. There was always a house for him and his torn apart family to go to, but there was never a place that they could call home. The continuous rides and greetings came to be almost second nature to him; greetings that would very quickly become departing words. This happened over and over, until there seemed to be a place that they could call their home. A man named Issac and his wife took him and his family in. They cared for them. And although they were always awaiting their time to leave, this seemed to never happen. He even started to go to school. He made friends, and seemed to completely forget what had happened. He even seemed to accept the new couple as his parents. Almost as if they had always been there for them; as if they were...family. Time passed. Jesus was beginning to accept them as his parents. They seemed to act the part, and they showed compassion to his family. Everything was going all too well, of course. He should have known be now that all good things must come to an end. Those people came again. The people dressed in their matching uniforms. POLICE. Heart break was not even a start to the feeling that overcame him. He didn't cry though. Not even a tear. Not because he didn't feel like it, but because he felt the familiar lump in his throat that wouldn't let him speak, or utter a single word. He simply waited until he saw who had come with them. A white lady. There were few white people that he had seen before, but she was accompanied by a few others. They were children, but they weren't white like her. He just went ahead and accepted the fact that it was time for another trip to another house after another ride in another police car. But he was wrong. It wasn't to a house. The ride was to a giant building that read HOTEL. A what? Who cared? It looked very nice! There were many people who greeted them with smiles as they entered, regardless of how terrified they seemed, and were. The lady seemed nice, and very oddly, she even spoke Spanish. She made some small talk to them behind her slightly aged grin, Her eyes appeared slightly dark behind the face that was covered in makeup, but they appeared even more bright than dark. They seemed hopeful. They gave that light look that was just enough to allow me to at least force another fake smile to another stranger. Everyone else seemed to have forgotten everything. They were all about in the hotel room. Some watching T.V. Some laying in the bed. Others scattered across the floor with a quickly emptying bag of many plastic toys. He didn't know how they were able to so quickly adjust to what had happened and to what was happening, but just made the quick decision to join everyone. Somehow this was something that could; even after the darkest of moments, behind the deepest of scars, under the most covered and neglected of emotions, have him force a smile. A smile that had not happened in far too long for a child. A smile of true happiness. The next morning after having had been used to eating the garbage that was supposed to be food, Jesus was overwhelmed by shock as something of a sweet aroma came to him in his awakening. This was slightly uncomfortable, but in a good way. In a way that would set a very jagged, shattered, and torn apart heart in the direction of recovery. A quick ride, and a flight through the skies was all that had separated him from being able to pursue something that he had only heard the word of. A word that he had never quite known the meaning of. A word that could only be defined by having had experienced it. The word: Living. Not having to go through a day in fear of the shadow of death that always lingered in the air. Not having to wonder if there would be food that day. Not having to worry about the only thing that he cared about; his family. The new life that was placed before him was a great blessing. A blessing that he had absolutely no idea how great it was, and still is. A blessing that he still has no idea how amazing has been to him. To me. To Jesus. I, Jesus, had finally been able to live an entire day where everything seemed normal; or at least for me. When the plane finally touched down in Georgia, I was unaware of where I even was, and I didn't even care. Me and my family took a drive through a new environment. A new area of the world. New surroundings that I would would unknowingly come to call an actual: HOME. Unfamiliar faces greeted us as before the car had even stopped in the driveway of a very large house, as if they had known us all our lives. With that new feeling that I hadn't yet experienced too often, a smile came upon my face as other children came to us with warm welcomes before we had even made it to the doorway in the garage. A very friendly environment is enough to make someone feel out of place when they have been used to just the opposite. When all we knew was hostile environments that were ever changing before us, and before we even had time to blink, in an awakening of another household almost every day. But it seemed that that had changed. Real bedding, real blankets, and a real home had finally been presented. All I could do was wonder in awe as I wondered how long this would last, just as every other house had only become a distant memory that came to haunt me when I awake to more new faces. But I didn't know. I didn't know that this would become the place that I would call home. The place that I would be able to become emotionally attached to, and not then have my emotions simply thrown aside. But what else was I to think? It was just a habit. Days passed, and a six year old boy soon became seven. The day seemed no different than most others. The "Happy Birthday" greeting somewhere in the day. But I was awfully thrown off when I was confronted with presents. With gifts. I had never received a gift before. Overwhelmed by joy, I had completely forgotten that I was holding an unopened, wrapped box with a surprise. After a few moments of a cheerful grinning, I recollected myself and set my attention, once again, on the present. I don't remember what it was anymore, but I do remember cherishing it for a very long time. The first gift that I had ever gotten. And then came Christmas, which came with more gifts. The simplicity of a gift to a child is something that most parents have to the point where it's not even a gift anymore. To where it is just an expected item that they wanted, decorated with a bow and paper that would soon be in the trash. But a real gift is something that surprises someone, and is something that they then build a quick attachment to. Not because it's a something else for them to have, but because it is something from someone that they care about and that cares about them. And, although it took me a while to realize this, I WAS cared about for once. I was LOVED for once. And it was something that cannot just be given. It is something that takes time and patience to prove that it is true. It takes true compassion to build the understanding that they are loved to that individual. It is something that most people don't ever come to realize until it is too late. Until there is a time of passing. But after spending so much time testing this lady. After spending so much energy trying to see if she cared, setting off tears, emotional breakdowns, and temporarily becoming someone that I had despised for ruining my childhood; a hateful person, I finally came to realize that she really did love me. That I was loved. When vacations come, and we left the house, I would confide to my older brothers. I would ask them where we were going this time. I would wonder where we would sleep now. I would have a mind full of thoughts that were stains of my memories of the childhood that I never had. Much time passed. Many attempts of trying to prove to myself that this white lady was just the same as everyone else in my life had ever been. But only to disprove my own theory every time. After much time, when I finally became thirteen, I had felt the understanding that this would be where I were going to be living from now on. I came to the reality that I actually had a place to call "Home", and that I could feel a sense of security when I fell asleep at night. Where safety, joy, and family weren't just dreams in the distance. Sixteen. I am now sixteen, and although I still have moments of doubt, I still hold it to my heart that I am loved by someone that I can call my mother. Whether or not it is a biological relation between us, I know that it is a REAL-ation that we have. Despite the arguments we have, the cold eyes that gaze across the room when caught in moments of anger, I know that there is only one person who I can call a real mother to me. And that is you. So thank you for everything that you have done for me and my brothers and sister. This is something that I just feel has been needing to be said, but I could never find it in myself to confront you myself to tell you. Not without breaking down into tears as I did in my past. Though not the same tears, but tears of joy. The, still odd, ability to realize how much you care you really do care, whether you can fit it into your busy schedule to show it, I still know. So thank you mom. I love you. Sincerely Chuy (Ellis Jesus Bodie). -Jesus Montes- 

Attachment Therapy

Urgent:

Is there anyone out there in the tubes that can recommend a good attachment therapist or a therapist that works on trauma with children?  I need them to be within an hour drive of Kingston or Poughkeepsie, NY????

You can comment here or email me at LisaAmos @ payco.org.

Thanks!

I Beat The Odds

Pretty much everyone has watched The Bl*nd Side, right?  This is a movie that I really enjoyed but I wanted to know the rest of the story.  Cause you know that Hollywood totally dramatized and changed things in the movie.

Enter "I Beat The Odds," by Michael Oh*r.  This is the real story.  Oh my but it is goodness.  Michael tells how things really went down.  He is so respectful and kind and all kinds of loveliness.  He writes of his love of both his families, his family of origin and his adopted family.  He writes of open adoption and how the Tuohys' included his first mom and siblings in his with his adopted family.  He clears up all the misconceptions of the movie.  He was pretty frosted about the scenes portraying him as stupid and that he had no idea how to play football but he clears all that up in a very tactful manner.

Michael is a man of great principles and it shows in every word.  He is also a man to admire because he is working to set a great example for our children.  He talks of learning to set boundaries.  The book is written in a manner that is to encourage our children to "Beat The Odds." There are no inappropriate words for  our kids to read.  It is delightful in it's cleanness.  This book is absolutely next on J's reading list.  It is warm, embracing, and inspiring.

Quoted from the book,

"No matter what is going on around you that you can't control, your attitude is the one thing that you can control. 

"We are all in this together, I'm pledging my support to be the best role model I can be through appearances and speeches I make for the various foster care support groups I work with, as well as with my lifestyle and the choices I make.  I hope each child reading this book will pledge to value their life enough to commit to making it no matter what; and that every adult will pledge to find a way - any way- to give back.


If we all believe we can achieve something great, then I know that together, we can beat the odds, one life at a time."


J cannot have contact with her first family due to huge safety issues but this book opened my eyes to the fact that I should always be kind and respectful of J's feelings about her family of origin.  I really do try to be very respectful but it's hard to keep that thought process in the pre-frontal lobe of my brain. Yes, the physical, emotional and sexu*l damage was something to be very angry about but if I reject her first family, it is as if I reject her.  It also helped me to see how her internal beliefs were formed.


Loved, loved, loved "I Beat The Odds".  Run, don't walk, to buy this book.

Even though I'm a hot mess...

For those of you who aren't attempting tapping, you can't stop reading now.  There's nothing new here that you want to hear.  Moving on to the next blog in your reader.........

Internalizing the affirmations of "I totally love and accept myself" is really difficult for a lot of us.  It's even harder for our kids.  That said, when you first start doing tapping if it's something that you absolutely cannot say....Don't. Say. It.  Start with external conditional affirmations first.

Even though I am a hot mess, I have great toenails.

Even though I'm struggling right now, I have cute eyelashes.

Even though I have stinking thinking, I like my fingers.

Even though I screwed up, I like my *whatever is external*.

You get the idea.  Gradually move into some internal affirmations.


The same things goes for our kids.  Their internal belief system is cracked and warped because they've been taught or they think that they're not good enough, they're bad, etc.  Don't expect them to be able to say unconditional affirmations until you think they are ready.  Then start with a couple during the tapping routine.  This will keep them from blowing it out when you first start doing it.  They can "hear" the external affirmations much easier.

Even though I have so many secrets, my mom loves me.

Even though I have so much fear, my mom accepts me.

Even though people in my past taught me not to believe in myself, my mom believes in me.

Even though I feel broken, I have great elbows.

Even though I'm scared to tell anyone how hurt I am, I have cute fingernails.


Get the idea????

If they are able to handle the personal affirmations, that is great!  BUT, if they can't hear it right now, start small and build on it.  Stay in tune with yourself and your child.  You'll know exactly what to do.

Human

I've heard the rock star comment a few times.  While I so appreciate the affirmations, it's hard to hear at the same time because I have failed miserably so many times.

I am only human.  I screw up all the time.  I try things that don't work out so well.  I lose my cool.  I lose my mojo sometimes.  I've yelled.  More times than I can count I have cried for days on end because I just don't think I can give one more thing.  Emotionally bankrupt.  I've thrown my hands in the air and retreated to my room with my head buried under the covers.  I've thrown temper tantrums.  I've been sarcastic when I should've been loving, kind and understanding.  I lose my faith sometimes.  I forget to keep my eye on the prize.  I forget how far  J has come in terms of healing.  I fail to recognize progress.  J's progress and mine.  I fail to do a lot of things.

My list of failures is long.

I am only human.

Which reminds me of this quote:

“I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong”  ~ Benjamin Franklin


I have failed a million times but I get back up and try to do better the next time.   


I'm no different than you.   Just like you, I am only human and I keep doing the best I can with the information I have at the time.  When I know better I'll do better and until then I keep doing the best I can with the information I have.   Just like you....


This work is hard.  The most difficult job I've ever had.  We did not get to where we are overnight.  It has been a long and arduous journey.  J has survived and thrived in spite of my screw ups.  


It has been worth it.  

Guided Imagery

Dia is a very wise and resourceful woman and she's one of my go-to people for ideas.  We had a little pow-wow a couple of days ago and she asked me to post on guided imagery again.  This is coming from a mom who ignored this suggestion for a while but once she started doing it, they saw great benefits.

Invisible Heroes is one of my favorite books and one that has given much to our family.  It is a gift to your child and to yourself.   We've been doing guided imagery in Kristy's office since 2008 but in 2009 I purchased this book and have found it to be one of enormous value to our family.  It's less than $10! You cannot beat that!

I first started posting about guided imagery here on February 5, 2009.  Which resulted in great news on February 8, 2009 posted here.

Since then I've done many posts on this subject including this one on March 25, 2009.

Random fact: Most kids with trauma have very large pupils due to their hyper-vigilance. It's really interesting to be in a room of kids with trauma and see all the large pupils staring back at you. I had this privilege at a camp and it can be really disconcerting.  The way I remember it, once I started doing guided imagery with J (when she slept) I noticed her pupils returning to their normal size. 


In September 2009, I wrote this post about the lie detector test and guided imagery.  


Then in October 2009 I wrote a script that I recorded for J.  The script is here and feel free to use it if you think it will work for your child.  We used this script for a really long time.  I recorded it in my voice with some Reiki music in the background and it played all night long in her room.  It's one of her favorites and the CD resides in a safe place in her room so she can pull it out anytime she wants.  Three years later and she still pulls it out to listen.


June 6, 2011 found us still using this book.  More about that and the benefits of hooping here.  Just in case you're wondering, hooping in our house is a/k/a The Wet Dog Trauma Shake.  




On January 30, 2011, I did a post on all the interventions, therapies, etc. that worked for us these are still true for us today.  So if you're looking for some ideas there are many right here. 


So in other words, get the book.  Devour it.  Embrace it and record it for your child.  Remember these GI's build upon each other so start at the beginning with the first script.  Also remember to record it in a slow monotonous tone of voice.  If you've ever been hypnotized you know that tone.


If you're ODD and don't want to do it then......  WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T DO THIS.  IT WON'T WORK ANYWAY!  


So there..... :)


Was I fast enough, Dia????

Feeling Stupid

One of the new baby calves on my parent's farm.

For those of you who are new to my blog, please go read this post about Before and After first.  Don't worry.  I'll wait right here.... It'll be helpful for you to know where we started to where we are now.  It's only a snippet of our lives but you'll get the idea.  Those of you who've been hanging around with us for a while, it would probably help to get a reminder.  It's easy for me to forget too.

Trauma doesn't leave overnight and love doesn't come in an instant.


While the fear level that our kids have is off the charts, our kids also feel stupid most of the time.  Their internal script keeps repeating in their brains.  It a hard cycle to break but the behaviors of "playing stupid" or "forgetfulness" can drive a person batty.  I've never thought to do tapping on this belief but several events occurred a couple of weeks ago that lead Kristy to giving J & Kara the script below.  Kristy gave us the example of "Pretend you're in a strange country.  You know the language of this strange country but if you're really, really scared it feels safer to pretend as if you have no idea what anyone is talking about."  She put it much more eloquently but you get the idea.

You already know the tapping points from the videos but here is our current script:


Even though I think I'm stupid, I'm a great kid.


Even though I think I'm not as smart as other kids, I'm clever and my mom loves me.


Even though sometimes other kids get more attention than me, I love myself.


Even though I'm worried that others think I'm stupid, I'm a great kid.


Even though I know I'm smart, thank you *RAD brain for playing stupid so I could stay safe.


Even though I like to pretend I forgot, I'm a great kid.


I let go of thinking I'm stupid.


It's impossible to measure smartness.


Even though I've felt stupid and less than, I'm working on this.


I release feeling stupid.


I release feeling stupid.


I release feeling stupid.


I release feeling less than.


I believe I can be smart.


I believe I can remember.


I believe I can learn.


I believe I can always pretend to be stupid if I need to feel safe even though there might be consequences.


Even though I use playing stupid to keep me safe, I can play smart.


Even though I'm scared to play smart sometimes, I'm a great kid.


Even though I'm scared, my mom loves me.


I'm letting go of feeling stupid.


I'm doing the best I can and I accept myself.


Today I think I'll choose to play smart.


Today I think I'll remember things I'm supposed to remember.


Today I think I'll choose to be smart and let others see the real me.

There had been some competition issues in classwork that warranted this script.  It's all based in fear but it's hard to see the fear for the behaviors.  Thank goodness Kristy spotted this one.  The competition has stopped and the grades are much improved.  Wish we'd been doing this one sooner.

Sheri was convinced tapping wouldn't work and thinking it was darn hinky actually.  She posted tonight on her successes with tapping.  Super coolness!  But then again everything Sheri does is pretty darn cool!

Beloved T-Shirt

So a couple of years ago, my very wise and lovely friend, Dia, gave me a really cool t-shirt.  It was pristine white and on the front of it said,

"Mothers, Even When They Are Wrong, They Are Right."

I loved that t-shirt and took really good care of it.  It is still optic white with not a stain on it.  When I was feeling really down or things were tough all around, I'd pull out that t-shirt and it would totally pick me up and make me feel better.  J was usually not very happy about me wearing this shirt.  Which meant I totally needed to be wearing it.

Fast forward a couple of years, a several weeks ago, we were at the lake and J had forgotten her pajamas.  I pulled out that shirt since it would be a little big on her and she wore it to bed. The next day I was expecting to get it back.

Ummmm.....maybe not.....

I noticed it went through the laundry and thought it might be returned when clean.  Nope.  The next day she wore it during the day.  Out in public.  Picture me being very quiet.  This is the child that likes her clothes to fit.  They cannot be too big or too small.  They must fit correctly.  (Yes, I know why.)  She was wearing it even though it was too big and in public.  Hmm....

I haven't asked for the shirt back.  I'm just watching this child who used to reject me with every fiber of her being....wearing a shirt that has a statement on it about me.  Wow.

She is still wearing it.  Often.  Still in public.

Not only that but she is taking wonderful care of it.  If she had worn that shirt 3 years ago her main goal would've been to rip it to shreds or stain it beyond recognition.  I've noticed that she doesn't wear it when she's doing something that might get it stained like mowing the grass or fishing.  It is still pristine, optic white.

Picture me still being very quiet.  I'm still watching and enjoying.

My kid loves her "new" shirt.  I don't have the heart to ask for it back.

Volumes of healing in this post.

Information

I wanted to clarify how the tele-seminar will work.  You will call the number, put in the access number and can mute your phone and just listen to everyone or un-mute and ask questions.  You can be completely anonymous and just listen if you would like.  Participate or not...it's totally up to you.

Video will not be available but when Brad leads us through a tapping sequence he will be queuing you the places to tap.  If you have any more questions, feel free to email me at LisaAmos @ payco.org.

Sheri posted the following on a private forum.  I asked permission to quote her here and she graciously agreed.

"All right, all right you win. I was avoiding tapping because I am oppositional like that. (I have never ever read Pioneer Woman because everyone else does and I refuse - that is perhaps why I was punk rock in the 80s too!) So this was a bad week with dealing with Dustin's issues when he turns 18 and his horrendous behavior this week as well as some really crappy money issues. I was determined that my weekend would not start off in a pile of shit. (excuse the language) I was determined that I would get my head on straight and pull it out for the kids. So . . . I did it. I didn't want to, but I tapped for the first time. It totally calmed me down and turned my mood around. And as we all know, if mama is happy everything goes much smoother. Swear to goodness, I think I may be a believer. Thanks Lisa Amos for beating me over the head with it."


So all you folks that don't want to try it or are ahem....oppositional.  Whatever you do, DON'T TRY IT.  DO NOT.  Walk away now.  Besides it'll never work.  Of course it won't.  Tapping is just silly and I'm not jumping on any bandwagon and you can't make me.  So there.  Don't forget to close this screen before you  read all of it and absolutely don't forget to walk away in a huff while muttering under your breath. 

Then there is Ramblings of a Trauma Mamma blog post.  Oh my heavens!  Totally didn't see that one coming.  

On Sunday, I started getting texts from Trauma Mamma about mid-afternoon about what was going on at her house.  She told me she was going to blog it later in the evening because her son wanted her to post it.  The suspense was killing me but oh my goodness, it was worth the wait.

J at Stellar Parenting blogged about using it on herself here.  She's in the throes of adding another attachment challenged child to her household.  Go check her out and share some love.  She's my roomie in Orlando and she loves me enough to let her pat her in the middle of the night (because in my sleeping stupor, I think she's Puddin) and not slug me.  She's awesome like that!


Hold the phone....Sunday morning I got an email from Brenda McCreight.  The Brenda McCreight of The Adoption Counselor.  After my heart went pitter pat and then jumped in my throat, I actually got myself together reply.   She did an amazing blog post today on the power of tapping.  Healing....that's what we're doing.  My love of Cindy Bodie stretches far and wide so I was texting her to tell her I had an email from a rock star.  She laughed at me but she loves me and gets it.  On a day real soon you'll find me in Cindy's organic gardens happily teaching her tapping.  Be jealous!  Hanging with Cindy makes me very happy.