Advice Please

Calling all stellar moms!

Ok....Tracy needs some ideas and I'm standing in her stead since she doesn't have her blog up yet. Her daughter will be coming for her first extended in-home visit over Christmas (12/23 - 12/27) . S is 11 and has a high IQ, RAD, PTSD, and Bi-Polar. Bi-Polar is her big issue.

Can y'all help with suggestions on activities they can do during that time????

My suggestions were:
Crafts are good. Anything but TV. Play Mozart softly the whole time to be soothing. Board games, puzzles, reading to her, the park, manicures, pedicures, coloring books and crayons (yes I know that's usually for younger kids but it's a great activity to do together. They have more complicated coloring books too. I really love the ones that look like stained glass), and put on really old clothes and use finger paint to paint each other's faces & hands. Treat her just like if she were already living with you. Don't do too much because you want it to mimic real life. Plus she won't need to be over stimulated because she'll blow out either with you or when she gets back to the group home. Find out from the GH what the schedule is on the weekends. It will be informative. Try to honor their sleep/wake times because it will easier on her.

It will help if you will kind of keep the same routine as there so she won't be overwhelmed. When she gets home you'll ease into your own schedule. You've GOT to get in touch with the therapist and find out how old she is emotionally so you'll know what kinds of games & activities to get. Or ask the SW to find out for you. Think very low-key, low-stress stuff.

Tracy hasn't put up her tree yet so I thought that might be something fun they could do together to include her in the family. I don't know....maybe it's better if it's already up. Your thoughts????

Same thing on Christmas, very low-key. Limit Christmas presents. It's so hard to tell someone to be low-key and simple. It's also hard to tell someone to get toys for younger kids when the kid is chronologically much older. It doesn't make sense. What do you think???? Can you help explain???

I'm counting on all of you fabulous moms to come up with some other suggestions. What ideas do you have in your arsenal????

So Far...

Three weeks into the saving journey I have figured that I will have a projected savings of:

$200 on vehicle gas
$168 on lunches eaten out
$300 on groceries
$60 on lawn maintenance (I am lazy)
$50 on house cleaning (again...I am lazy)
$35 on nails (I bite my nails to the quick and they look awful. You'd think I'd outgrow that habit but no! I love my bad habit and embrace it.)
$25 on trash service
$300 on J's therapy (starting this week, therapy is now 1 hour instead of 2. She used to require 2 hours just to get 1 hour of therapy because of opposition. Now we're not having this problem so I'm feeling relatively safe about cutting the extra hour out.)
$71 on satellite service
$10 off cell phone by removing texting & insurance
$100 by having insurance agent re-evaluate home & car insurance and putting us with another carrier
$150 a month for J's second health insurance policy (she is strictly medica*d now)
$13.00 Onst*r cut off
$300 teacher salary
$80 Monthly expense for J & I eating out one night a week
$30 Cutting off landline


$1892 projected savings! I've impressed myself with almost $2000 of savings!

The above does not include the savings projected for electricity or water but in 3 weeks we've used only 263 kwh of electricity! Before this happened I was running around 900 -1000 kwh so this is a huge drop! We are washing dishes now after I discovered that the running the dishwasher runs the meter up 5 kwh!!! It's a one year old energy star appliance too! Have no idea on the water bill yet but hopefully it will come down at least $10.00.



I am loving watching Gray's, P Practice, Brothers & S and ER on my computer. It is so cool! When J is doing homework I can watch it with my headphones on and she's none the wiser. I don't have to wait on her to go to bed to catch up. The TV has been unplugged for a solid 2 weeks now!

Sorry to hit you with so many posts at once. 3 posts is very prolific for me. This one was saved to draft but mysteriously appeared posted. Hmmm... Well at least I can see if y'all have been paying attention. ;-) ♥

The Sweetest Thing Happened

Annette over at 4 Girls and a Burly Man gave a bunch of gals an award last night. I am honored to be one of them. Annette has dryer setting family (read: normal) and still accepts us unconditionally and is always supportive and kind in her comments. It's hard to understand what life is like living in a radical world when you don't actually walk the path but Annette has chosen to be non-judgemental and kind and it's truly appreciated. You rock Annette!

Claudia wrote an excellent post so it made me think about how I wanted to forward this award. I am not bypassing all the wonderful moms who live with special needs kids but I am choosing to acknowledge bloggers who live in the dryer setting yet still have love and acceptance for those of us who are struggling with children that have issues. Here's who I'm passing the bloggy love to:

Christa over at Chrissi Pooh

Jillene at Jillene's Journal

Kristina at Pulsipher's Predilections

Kelly at The Missing Piece

I'm sure there's others I need to be including but it's time to pretend to be a teacher....

P.S. I found the dollhouse furnished. Tuesday it was out of stock but last night I went back to check on a few places. There was one in stock at Toys*R*Us. Yahoo! Received an email this morning that it has shipped!!!!

Various

The stress that is Christmas. Honestly I've never really become aquainted with holiday present stress until this year. We keep things really simple and low key for Christmas because too much sends J into orbit. So J asked for a toy horse, coloring book and a baby bottle. I've ordered the horse online and we had already given her a baby bottle for her birthday (she had written her letter to Santa before her birthday). I'll pick up a coloring book sometime when I can arrange for someone to stay with her. The problem is "my" gift. She has wanted a dollhouse for so long even though she didn't put it on her list to Santa because she knew it was expensive. I wanted the dollhouse to be from me. Not Santa. I've been eyeballing a certain dollhouse for quite some time but never felt pushed to go ahead and buy it. I had saved the money to purchase it long before I became unemployed. Never occurred to me that they might be sold out. Bad decision.

Actually it's not the dollhouse that's the problem. It's everything that goes in it. Practically all the furniture is sold out. Dang. I was able to get the kitchen, living room and dining room. Everything else is gone. I found someone on Craig*s list that had tons of stuff for The Loving Family Dollhouse, that was used, but the timing didn't work out. I've surfed everywhere and can't find anymore stuff that's reasonable. Normally furniture for a room goes for around $12.00 for this particular dollhouse but the only ones I can find have scalping prices of $30-$50 a room. Ridiculous! I refuse to do that so I'm getting over my little fantasy of seeing her face when she realized her awesome mom bought her the coveted dollhouse. It's my own fault. I shouldn't have waited till the last minute. Dang it.

Moving on....if you don't have a copy of Brita St. Clair's book, 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane, and you have a radical kid, go buy it now. It's an excellent book and I've used tons of ideas out of it. Here's one to give you a taste: Say your kid loves to pee on the floor. Wait until they're safely out of site or asleep and sprinkle peas around the room. When the child is awake or home you "discover" the peas, get a bowl to collect them and show great delight over the child growing peas by peeing. "I knew this would happen one day if you just peed enough peas were sure to grow." Make sure you have peas for dinner (clean ones please) that night. The results can be hysterical. There are many gems in this book.

Therapy went really well today. J was able to show Kristy her "since she came home" photo album and was able to really process and articulate her feelings. I was very proud and J was too that she could "show" that she does have a good life, can smile and be genuinely happy.

Kiss of Death

Me and my big mouth get me in trouble every time. When will I ever learn???? In case y'all have forgotten I mentioned last week that things were going so well. All that bragging.... Kiss of death I tell ya.

The day after my last post (last Thursday) and ever since it has been a radical house. Last week in therapy J looked at her photo album from the abusive FM. It is absolutely heartbreaking to look through. I haven't ever been able to look at it without crying. There's not one single photo where J looks even remotely happy. In every picture her face looks like she has lost her best friend. Even the AT has a hard time looking through it so it's not just me.

So my thoughts are that it sent her flying back into PTSD and all that those feelings that were so hard for her during that time. I'm a short-bus mom sometimes and it takes me a while to figure it out. I can be soooo slow. Dang. Sunday night we sat in the bed and looked at her recent photo album (the one since she's been home) and giggled and talked our way through it. When we got to the end she said, "mom, I look so happy in the whole book. My life is so much better now because I've changed a lot and now I have an awesome mom." That's right honey. She has changed so much. She's not the same little girl that she was 3 years ago.

I was hanging in there on the premise that Sunday night was the cure. Wrong answer. Monday she upped it a notch. Monday night I really didn't want to be around her. Finally called the AT and she encouraged me to do some regression therapy with her today. Hmmmm.....if I waited till she woke up then she might not be nice. When is a kid really, really nice??? When they're asleep. So I waited till she had been asleep about an hour then gave her a bottle of hot chocolate goat milk. She was the sweetest little thing! All the while I was telling her how much I loved her and that she deserved all good things, I would keep her safe, yada yada yada.

This morning she was a different child. She was much more loving, very little radical behavior and had such a better attitude. Woo hoo! Breathing a sigh of relief here.

Perseverance

Finally I was able to wear down the satellite folks. They wouldn't agree to disregard my contract but they did agree to give me 2 months completely free and then after the two months they will only bill me $20 a month for the next 12 months. Not too shabby. At least no bills from them for 2 months and if things haven't improved by then, I can still try to get them to cancel the contract.

Writing this paragraph may be the kiss of death but I'm going to type it anyway. J is really making lots of progress. It's been about 4 weeks since she's raged. She's doing really well at allowing me to teach her and there hasn't been any control battles yet. She's been very kind and considerate of Puddin and I've been able to allow her to be in the room unsupervised with Puddin. Tuesday night I walked out to the mailbox and was able to look in J's window and see her reading in bed holding the book with one hand and petting Puddin with the other. I honestly cannot tell you how that made me feel. Almost had to sit down in the driveway and blubber. Puddin has been going in J's room to lay on her bed a good bit and it still surprises me. The cat is now deciding it's safe to be around her too. The cat has avoided J like the plague and will leave the property if J comes out of the house. Now he is also discovering it's safe to come around her. Journaling is taking up some of our board game time but she's enjoying it and is being very consistent.

There is the sweetest sight right now in my house. It's independent reading time and J is curled up on the couch with a blankie reading, Horrible Harry and the Ant Invasion. (Thanks again for the books, Texas Mary!)

Ok girls... (and Mike ;-) here's the dish on the beans.

I might be wrong but I think some of the problems could be
(a) there is not enough water when you're soaking them (it takes a lot of water to soak them since they're dried they'll use up all the water);
(b) you have to cook them for at least 30 minutes (by themselves) without salt, seasoning or acidic products such as tomatoes, juice or vinegar (thanks Mike for reminding me of this);
(c) make sure there is enough water or stock when you're cooking them too. If the beans are soaked overnight and you've put them in the pot to cook, the water should cover the beans by at least 1 to 1 1/2".

These recipes are courtesy of Mike, for all of us. (Remember these are calling for SOAKED beans)

Charro Beans
Ingredients:
• 1 bag of dry pinto beans
• 6 slices of bacon cut into pieces
• 4 to 5 Serrano peppers
• 1/2 onion
• 4 roma tomatoes
• salt to taste
• *cilantro optional *
Directions:
1. Cook beans in water according to package directions. Once beans are tender and cut easily with a spoon
you add salt to taste.
2. Cook the bacon pieces in a pan until done. Take out the bacon and set aside.
3. Add the Serrano, onions, and tomatoes to the pan and sauté until tender. You may have to add a little
bit of water to keep mixture from getting too thick. When mixture is tender pour into your pot of beans
and add the bacon also.
4. Let then beans simmer for about 10 min. to let flavors mix.
5. You can also add a few sprigs of cilantro to pot if you wish.

Borracho (Drunk) Beans
Ingredients:
1 Medium size bag of pinto beans

1 Package sliced bacon (or you can use salt pork bacon)
3 Links (I prefer Blue Ribbon Hot & Spicy)
1 Large onion
3 Large ripped tomatoes
5 Raw Jalapeno Peppers (or you can use 2 large bell peppers if you don't want Hot)
3 Garlic cloves
1 Cup of Cilantro
1 Can of beer (your choice)
Salt & Pepper to your taste
Preparing the beans:

Clean the beans and pick out any dirt etc, rinse beans and cook. (I use the Crockpot on high) Make sure you have plenty of water, don't open lid but maybe a couple of times to add water or to make sure they're not stuck at the bottom of the pot, or the beans will turn dark. When the beans are starting to get tender you need to prepare the rest of the ingredients.
Remainder Ingredients:
Cut bacon in 1-inch pieces.
Cut links into 1/2 inch slices and then in quarters
Cook bacon and links in skillet until caramelized, add to the beans slowly
Remove some of the grease from the skillet and add chopped onion, minced garlic and chopped Jalapeno peppers until caramelized, add everything in the skillet to the beans slowly
Cut tomatoes in small pieces and add to the beans
Rinse the Cilantro and chop the leaves and add to the beans
Pour beer into the beans slowly
Add Salt & Pepper to your taste, stir all ingredients slowly and cook for another 30-45 minutes to soak up all the ingredients or until beans are fully cooked.

Please, oh, please don't give up on dried beans. Once you get the hang of it you'll never go back to canned beans.

I just hate it when I don't check my spelling until after I've hit post. Duh!

Saving

Camouflage trash is working out pretty well. I keep calling the satellite people trying to get out of my contract. Hopefully they'll eventually get sick of me calling and let me cut it off. Good news though, I've discovered that I can watch my favs (Gray's Anat*my, E*R, Private Pract*ce and Brother & Sist*rs) on the internet with very few commercials so who needs cable/tv anyway?

I've received several requests for Bodie Beans. Soak pinto/great northern/black beans overnight. Rinse and cover with water in a Crock pot on low all day. In the last hour add salt to taste, sauteed garlic (4 to 5) cloves, sauteed onion (1 to 2) and 3 or 4 habanero peppers. Continue cooking for about another hour. Serve as is or use an immersion blender to make refried beans. May need to remove some liquid before. Note: careful with peppers. My first version of this had 1 pepper in it and the beans were pretty warm. Since then I've had to add 3 or 4 to get the same heat that I had in the first pot. Have no idea why.

Everything is unplugged all day unless needed and electrical panel switches are off (except to freezer/fridge) all night. J has a flashlight in case she needs one. The furnace is gas but does require electricity for the fan. I've adjusted the settings on the fridge & freezer to not be quite so cold. Yet even though we have made all those changes we are still using about 15 kwh a day. I do not understand. Considering everything that is cut off I would've thought it to be less. Before we did this we were averaging 26 kwh per day. I was hoping for 10 kwh per day. Still striving for it though. Thinking of turning on the ventless gas logs for heat instead of central. They're supposed to 99% efficient whereas I believe that central heat/air is about 90%. I stopped typing and did just that. I'll have to look tomorrow and see how many kwh were used to find out if this is my problem. Tried to change the overhead kitchen/breakfast room lights to CFL's but they are some kind of funky size that won't work with CFL's. Dang.

My grocery bill has gone from $100 per week to $20-25. Beans & rice baby! Juices can be watered down some and still taste great. No complaints from J. Vitamins/calcium/zinc are every other day. Zinc is only temporary but J had those little white spots on her nails so I knew she was deficient. A radical kid with a zinc deficiency can mean a self-regulating problem coming. Wearing clothes more than once if they are still clean and not stinky. We are down to 3 loads of laundry every two weeks including sheets.

I talked the p-doc into seeing J every 2 1/2 months instead of every month to save gas, plus I don't need to be traveling in the autobahn that is Atlanta without insurance.

Tonight is our treat night. G gave us a package of chicken and we're going to have chicken piccata. Decadent & delicious. God bless chicken!

Random

Weekend went pretty well considering. I discovered on Saturday night that J has been steadily ramping up the triangulation model. I'd noticed over the past few Saturday's that she had been sneakily disrespectful to me behind G's back. Last Sunday she started doing it in front of him which made him question my parenting in front of her. We came home. This past Saturday night, an hour after we arrived, J started again and snarled at me. I never said a word but G said, "now don't y'all start arguing." One thing I don't do is argue with my kid. I really didn't appreciate the comment. After we had finished eating and were doing the dishes, I put my arm gently around J's shoulder and whispered, "honey you can either hold it together or we can go home, either one is fine with me." G walked up to me and tapped me hard on the chest with his index finger and mockingly said, "you better do what I say or else." Hmmmm.... that didn't go over too well. Calmly told J to go pack her bag and that we were going home. I didn't intend on spending my evening in an argument or trying to explain RAD Parenting 101. This discussion has been aired before.

We got in the truck and J admitted to trying to start a fight between us because she wanted to go home and have me just to herself. She also said she didn't want to go to the lake anymore. More hmmmmm..... He came over yesterday afternoon for a few minutes and J admitted willingly to what she had done. I was very proud that she took ownership. G couldn't "hear" it but that's beside the point. AT has encouraged me to bring him to our therapy before therapy (the part where it's just the AT & I) so that she can give him an explanation of what triangulation is and what it will mean if she succeeds. I'll offer the invitation but I'm not expecting him to show.

No school today since we had a p-doc appt. Yesterday she took more of the CRCT tests on www.studyisland.com. There are only 3 grades for these tests, Exceeding Requirements, Meeting Requirements and Doesn't Meet Requirements. Out of 40 tests so far she is exceeding at 33, meeting 6 and not meeting 1. Considering she's only had 5 weeks of school I'm just hoping I can keep up. It still blows my mind that second graders have geometry.

She is still working diligently on her journal every night. Puddin is offering to spend more time with J and of her own volition, has been known to lay in the bed (still in my line of sight) with J while she writes.

Folks it is snowing Georgia. That is freaky. School was closed in 2 counties just north of us. (Yes....we close for snow. I know you yankees (no offense) think that's just hysterical.) Usually we can wear shorts at Christmas. No joke. Cold weather doesn't hit here until January and we get lucky if we have 1 inch of snow all winter. If there is the vaguest mention of snow all bread and milk will disappear from the stores inside 15 minutes. Not joking about this either.

J just came running in here and said, "Mom, it's snowing!!!!! It's not a lizard but it's still snowing! :-) Blizzard...lizard....all the same thing. ;-)

Totally changing the subject but I wanted to share with you that RadKid.org has a blog now where Ken is answering radical questions. I found Ken's site before J moved home and found it to be so helpful with a wealth of information to help parents. It was a lifeline after J came home. The delphi forum was very helpful and was where I met Awesome Gerri. So I thought it was so appropriate that your blog is listed there too along with a host of you other fine folks. Last week I discovered the blog completely by accident when someone found my blog through Ken. Wow! I was overwhelmed that I was listed on his blogroll. So if you haven't already, go check out Ken & Michelle's site.

Grateful Day

Since I do a gratitude list every day I am just focusing on what I am grateful for on this very day. There is so much to be grateful for....lunch with my family, putting up the tree, dear friends, a roof over my head, trading the yuckies for the grumpies, a pot of black beans on the stove, and the list could go on and on.

Thanksgiving traditions in our family are eating at Papa's & Monya's, putting up the tree then going to see the lights in our city park. We live in a very small town but they do a really great Christmas light show that's free. So every year we go to see the lights in our jammies. And this year...same as last...I didn't plan well and had to get gas on the way home. Last year Chrissi volunteered to get out and get gas. God bless her! This year...no Chrissi...so I had to get out....in public...in a small town.... and get gas.... in my jammies. The horror! Thankfully I didn't see anyone I know. Whew! Chrissi, I really missed you tonight. Not that I don't every day but I REALLY missed you tonight!

Traditions are really important but I think especially for a radilicious kid. When they start remembering the traditions from year to year it's a really big deal. We have weekly and monthly traditions and of course J remembers those but tonight she remembered Christmas light jammie fest. I was so proud! Plus during the trip she was recounting memories from last year's excursion which was also cool. Chrissi, you were specifically named in a couple of the memories. Do you remember what she remembered?

J's homework from the AT was to start keeping a journal. I've had one waiting to give her so she started writing last night. She was quiet as a mouse for about 30 minutes. Concentration was in full force too. I've given her an outline for the journal and wrote it in the front of the book so that she has a "cheat sheet". Her outline is:

Day and date (to practice spelling days and months)
Dear God,
Today I felt sad when:
Today I felt mad when:
Today I felt glad when:
Today I felt scared when:

The things I like about myself are: (working on self-esteem and positive inner dialogue)
1.
2.
3.

Today I am grateful for:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

(It will actually only be 4 things to be grateful for since she can always put me on the list.) We do this list every night at the dinner table so it will be great that she can do this on her own.

I thought she would have a hard time with the salutation because she has been punished repeatedly in the name of religion by a particular family so I considered suggesting Dear Diary. Finally I decided to give her 3 choices and she chose Dear God. He is starting to become much less scary to her and it makes me so happy. She has completed two days without a complaint and seems to be enjoying it.

Thanks to every one of you who welcomed and congratulated Tracey. It is greatly appreciated! I am so honored that she allowed me to announce the great news. She is going to be a great mom!

Hoping all of you had a day of peace, love and light. Those of you out shopping tomorrow....may the force be with you! ;-) So glad it's you and not me!

Tracey Said....

I was afraid some of you wouldn't see the comment from Tracey so I'm posting it here:


Tracee said...
Aw, you guys are so great! Thank you all for your good wishes. My life is definitely changing but I feel ready for it. And if I can do even half of the amazing things for S that Lisa has done for J... well, she'll be one lucky kid.

I've read and enjoyed many of your blogs. You've given me the courage to attempt this and a nice dose of reality too. I hope to join you in the blogging world soon. Lisa swears it will be necessary for my sanity!

Thanks again for your comments. I meet S next weekend. It's starting to actually seem real!

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

My dear friend, Tracey, of Tracee with the cigar smokin, gun toting, puppy avatar (over there on the right) is going to be a MOM!!! She starts visitation with S (11) the first weekend in December and hopefully placed by the first of January. Tracey will be a single mom living in a radical world like so many of us.

I am so happy for her and proud of her decision. She is going to be an awesome mom! Tracey hasn't started her blogging journal yet so please leave her a comment as I've told her that y'all will leave her comments here. She'll read them and feel the blogging love. Hopefully she'll include all of us in her private blog when her journey begins. Tracey has become a really good friend of mine through the joy of the internet and I can't wait to walk through the journey with her and her with new daughter.

Congratulations Tracey and S!!!!!!!!!!

Now it's your turn to show her some love folks.....

P.S. Tracey is going into this with her eyes wide open and using all of us as a resource (among other things of course...). How I wish I'd had known all of you before J came home!

Moving right along

Things are progressing quite well considering. J's doing really well in school. I'm still working at living like in the depression era and doing pretty well at it I might add. Sunday night I refried the beans without frying them. In other words I just pureed them. We had bean burritos for dinner and they were better than any I've ever had at a Mexican restaurant. Seriously. And I am a connoisseur of Mexican food. J agreed and ate 2! Where that girl puts her food is beyond me. She has told me she has a tube that runs down into the ground and I'm starting to believe her! I'm just glad my girl loves spicy food.

I decided it wasn't enough to unplug everything so every night I'm cutting off the power at the electrical panel on every extra room in the house except the fridge, freezer and J's room. Along with saving power I'm also adding the extra exercise of running up and down the steps. Win/win. Of course J is terrified of the dark but now we're able to walk up and down the steps to the basement without a light. This is a huge feat since this is the darkest part of the house. I am proud of her.

This morning I tested her on Study Island which is an online program I signed up for last August. It helps them test for the CRCT and helps me stay informed as to where she is and where she needs to be when she returns to public school. She is exceeding at all math levels so far, as well as, on reading and L/A until she got to syllables. Compound words, counting money, making change, measurements, fractions, contractions, irregular vowels, controlled vowels, blends, digraphs, diphthongs, plurals and possessives are no problem. We haven't gotten to multiplication and geometry yet but it starts next week. WTH! When did kids start doing geometry in the 2nd grade???? It's interesting how well she does at math considering she detests it.

So much to be grateful for. I'll bore you with my list later. k?

Evening Out

Last night was my evening out with Cindy. Twilight.... The scenery was breathtakingly stunning. The characters were good. The jawline on the love scenes with Edward... Oh My Goodness.... Stopping the van with his bare hands....yummy. ♥♥♥♥

I am glad I didn't re-read the book right before the movie. That helped to not interfere with the movie in my head. Now I have both. I think it's necessary to read the book before seeing the movie so that you don't miss anything. Trying to squeeze a 498 page book into 2 hours is almost impossible but they did a pretty good job.

I was a little disappointed with the excess of white makeup and lipstick at the beginning of the movie, but that seemed to either get better in the movie or maybe I tuned some of it out and got used to it. Not sure which.

It would have really helped if the really loud lady, 2 rows behind us, could have toned down some of her laughing. She was REALLY loud and obnxious which made it hard to concentrate.

One reason I loved the book is that I love the tall, strong, silent and unbelievably controlled type. Edward delivers.... Sorry Kristina....;-) ...I'll be waiting on the snarky comments. ♥

Lauri did a much better review.

Very nice to have a brief escape from a radical world. Time with Cindy... Priceless! ♥ Best present ever!

Can you tell I learned a new trick.... Thanks to Trying To Be Calm....

P.S. J did excellent at Papa's & Monya's. She had a great time and it was one more instance of her knowing that I did indeed come back for her.

Astounded!

Y'all have given such great suggestions! I am impressed but better than that I am going to actually DO them. Never even thought about power strips or unplugging my computer. I have run around the house all evening double-checking everything and trying to implement everything I can. I've been in love with CFL's for several years and certainly worth the money. The kitchen and breakfast room are the only rooms to go because the ceiling is 15ft and the canned lights are just a little out of my reach. Need another adult around to help change those out.

Coupon suzy dot com is a new friend. Going to call the electric company in the morning. Change of plans on dinner tonight. Bodie Beans (pinto beans) and cornbread. Huge pot of pintos with garlic, onion and habanero pepper. My stars! They rocked the house! Later there will probably be a literal rocking of the house but they were so worth it! Especially since J had 3 bowls! Thanks Cindy! I cleaned the coils under the fridge and freezer so that should help some too. It was scary under there!

We are really doing well here considering. Keep the ideas coming because they are being put to good use. J is doing really well in school. She's moved through 77 lessons in math in 2 weeks. Hoping I can keep up!

Tomorrow I have a date with my other daughter, Cindy. She's taking me to dinner and a movie as a Christmas present. I am so excited for the opportunity to spend time with her. She's a blast! J is going to go stay with my mom and actually sleep there for a bit. I'll get home after her bedtime so we're doing a tester to see how it goes. This will be the first time sleeping at my parent's. I've promised her that she will wake up in her bed. She's excited to go to Monya's but wanted to make sure that she would be at home with me when she wakes up Saturday morning.

Queen K, I am with Torina, never read anything by you until you have an empty mouth and bladder. Of course, Torina is just about as dangerous. Gerri's private emails are lethal. I'll be on my deathbed remembering white pants and W*lmart. :-)

Please keep my friend, Gerri, on your list. She can use all the positive thoughts she can get right now.

P.S. I stink at commenting lately. Sorry about that. I'll get my act together shortly. Still trying to figure out scheduling, school time, me time, mom time, etc.

Settling In

Things are improving and we're getting on a schedule. J worked hard in therapy yesterday and showed a lot of self-restraint and self-regulating. The AT & I were very impressed.

Thanks to everyone for your emails & comments of concern and suggestions. We are finding many ways to save and going back to many things that my grandmother taught me that she learned during the Depression. It is really turning out to be quite the adventure and we are looking at it as an adventure rather than a punishment. It's all in the attitude.

It is a little scary to think about no insurance but a single mom with no income equals no insurance. It's amazing how dependent I've become on that security blanket but truth be told there's probably more people uninsured today rather than insured and they're getting by and so will we. The comforting thing is that we won't be out of the house more than one day a week so that will drastically reduce the chances of getting a cold or flu.

Some of our cost cutting adventures have included:

1. Reading bedtime stories by candlelight. I highly recommend it!

2. Incorporating more board games played by candlelight are extra special. Fun!

3. Reusing coffee grounds.

4. Baths by candlelight (who wouldn't love this?!)

5. Soup beans (a/k/a Great Northern) and cornbread (dinner for less than $1.00) Bringing back wonderful memories of my grandmother.

Tonight...cornmeal gravy. Yummy!

Do you have and favorite/fun ways to save????

New Career - Revised

I no longer have a job so starting today I am officially a SAHM, home educator, OT, speech therapist and domestic diva. We'll see how it goes. At the moment I'm putting school on the back burner until I can get all my possessions listed on eb*y. If anybody has any tips for using eb*ay I would be so grateful if you would share. I am totally lost.

I've cut my blogger reader down to 49 *gasp* feeds. Thinking I'm about to start hyperventilating. Trying to figure out how to manage time and a manageable schedule. Still going to get up at 5:45 to start my day and get J up at the usual time. Before school we're going to take a power walk. Going to have to be more diligent with exercise since I won't have health insurance and will need to keep my blood pressure down without meds.

I've cut off every single thing that I possibly can. We've come up with a plan to cut down utilities by cutting water usage (you don't want to know), going vegetarian, not using lights unless it is absolutely dark, no all night Mozart or night lights for J. One trip to town a week for therapy, grocery shopping, bill paying, etc. will cut my gas bill down considerably. Lowered the heat from 68 to 62 and added more blankets and clothes. The land line is turned off. J's insurance has been cancelled too. Managed to get some house/car insurance lowered. We have very little trash so the trash man has been discontinued. Not sure what I'm going to do with the little bit of trash that we do have but it might involve camouflage. Aren't you glad you don't live close to me???

I am scared and excited at the same time. Hoping my name doesn't become Loose Lisa. Torina that is a much better suggestion than mine. ;-0

Hmmmm...

Just in case you think you're going to be bored without all the drama, I'll let you in on a little secret. J has been "ill". I don't know about in other parts of the country but in the south that means sick sometimes and at other times it means grumpy. For J it is the latter. Not really RAD stuff just cantankerous. Like a little old woman. She seems to be really tired. A lot. She's had a nap almost every day because she wants one. This afternoon she had a nap and was ready to go to bed at 6:15.

She's not running a fever or complaining about anything. She's just really sleepy. She told me today that getting rid of the yuckies made her really tired. We'll see what tomorrow brings.....

I'm on a roll now...

Dang Sheri! You are a stinker! ;-)



THE RULES:

Post your list of the seven best albums, the seven bloggers you will tag, a copy of these rules, and a link back to this page.
Each person tagged will put a URL to their Blogger Album Project post along with a list of the seven best albums in the comment section HERE.
Feel free to post the “I Contributed to the Blogger Album Project” Award Graphic on your sidebar, along with a link back to this page.
Post a link back to the blogger who tagged you

My seven (or so):
1. Allman Brothers - Where It All Begins
2. Bon Jovi - Slippery When Wet (25 years later & I still think he's hot.)
3. Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
4. Aerosmith - (Any & all)
5. Lenny Kravitz - 5
6. Mary Chapin-Carpenter - Come On Come On
7. Tom Petty - Anthology

I know you're supposed to stop at 7. Rule breaker yet again.
8. U2 - Achtung Baby
9. Lynrd Skynrd (I am from the south folks - I don't want to get kicked out. ;-)
10. Alison Kraus - A Hundred Miles or More
11. Elton John - Goodbye Yellow Brickroad
12. Usher - Here I Stand

Attached at the Hip

Another great day down. J has been a little antsy since it's raining outside but otherwise has done great. She's been very tired though and took a nap this afternoon. We are attached at the hip. She's goes e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. I go. She seems to be responding well to this and hasn't tried to push me away in over a week now. No fits. No meltdowns. Regular little kid stuff but not much RAD stuff going on. Oh how I love regular little kid stuff!!!!

Her announcement to me this morning, "mom, I don't need the yuckies anymore." I decided to change and I changed." Hmmmm.....

When J was cleaning out her toy box yesterday she found some unused glow sticks. (I am shocked.) So I am going to try the glow stick in the bath tub trick that I learned about from a commenter on Jillene's blog. (Just cut off the lights and throw the charged glow stick in the tub.)J's not scared of taking a bath but I thought it'd be really cool and I always love to be the "cool" mom. Heck! It sounds like enough fun that I might even try it!

We made a huge pot of mashed potatoes and put 15 packages in the freezer. So for dinner we had mashed potatoes, butter peas, creamed spinach and Old Bay sauteed shrimp. Strange combination but yum it was good! Tomorrow we're making a mushroom and sausage breakfast casserole to freeze.

Tagged

I am "it". I have never been "it" before in the blogging world. Hmmmmm.....Faerie Mama tagged me.
Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules.
2. Share seven random or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post with their links.
4. Let each person know they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I usually not a rule follower. I'm the girl that pushes the rules but I promise to follow these.

1. I, like The Pioneer Woman, pick my toenails. I am so glad she admitted that because that was my closet secret. Now, since I am in such good company, I step out without shame. (Well...maybe a little.)

2. I suck at romantic relationships. Yet another reason I won't marry him. If G didn't have the patience of a saint we would have ended years ago. I do have great, meaningful friendships and wonderful relationships with my family. (Remember this bit of information for when you get to #5)

3. I want to be a SAHM. So much. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would REALLY want to do this. I know it would be much better for J but I am still trying to figure out the financial end.

4. I give Reiki to plants, trees and Puddin. (For those that don't know...Reiki is not a type of religion nor does it have a dogma.)

5. I have RAD. (Remember there's a spectrum folks.)

6. I still pick up stray animals, fix them up and find them homes. Don't go to lunch with me because we will likely have a critter dining with us that I have picked up on the way to lunch.

7. I want to adopt again.

Ok...here's the lucky folks I have tagged:

I would tag Tudu but she's a little busy at the moment so I'll let her off the hook.

1. Brenda, cause she's always has it so together. Brenda, do you have any secrets?

2. Gerri because she's been hanging out with me for a really long time (pre-blog) and she's stuck with me through thick and thin. She's a fabulous mom and she cracks me up.

3. Kelly because she is always so supportive and I have so enjoyed watching her journey of becoming a foster mom.

4. Karissa because she is so honest and genuine.

5. Mary (a/k/a Squeaker). She, like Gerri, has been with me a long time and knows all the in's and out's of the ups and downs. Stuck with me like glue and I am very grateful for her.

6. Linda B - The things she manages is just astonishing to me.

7. Sasha - She's interesting and funny.

8. Sheri - Scared she might leave me now that I've tagged her but I've been stalking her for a while. She cracks me up and makes me think. Yes...I know it's supposed to be 7 but I warned you that I'm a rule breaker. ;-)

More positives

We did very little school today. J & I cleaned house, lazed around, played and in general had a great time. She has been soooo much fun to be around! This morning I gave her a sheet of adjectives and asked her to circle each one that she thought described herself. There was an assortment of words. She chose: Thoughtful, kind, respectful, loving, hopeful, sweet, fun, smart, focused, peaceful, relaxed and safe.

Tonight she fell asleep in my arms. Y'all this has only happened once before. Huge!

Major Changes

We've had a monumental change in our home. I can't go into details so you'll just have to trust me, but something major has happened and things are really improving here.

What a joy it has been parenting Jordan today!!! She is a totally different kid. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own eyes. She is much softer, able to be redirected, more loving, kinder, and her facial features and expressions are totally different.

Have I mentioned it has been so much fun to be a parent today!!!!???? I am staying at home this week to help her recover and we've been doing school. In 2 days she has done over 40 lessons of math, 16 Language Arts and 4 History lessons!!!!! Not a complaint or whine in sight. She has been very enthusiastic about learning!

Puddin snuggled up in bed with her tonight (I was there too) and we all
snuggled for 10-15 minutes or so. She has treated Puddin like a china doll all day.
She was a little sad about the yuckies leaving and we talked about it. I have a lot of onyx in her room to help with grief. Ashley asked me if I have amethyst in her room. Yes I do, plus some others, carnelian, citrine, etc. (Ashley, I tried to check out your blog and I can't get in. *Whine*) We talked about what was different in her life now that the yuckies had left, what was the same, etc.

After Jordan went to sleep I went in to do Reiki. Puddin decided to join me. Puddin stayed on the bed while I was working on J. Afterwards I couldn't get Puddin to come out of J's bedroom. She has never stayed in the same room alone with J! Finally I gave up and let her stay for about an hour and went back to get her. She still wouldn't come out of her room! I had to pick her up and carry her out.

Yeah for all of us! It's a monumental day!!!!

This morning I asked her what was the word she would use to describe herself and she said, "kind". Woo hoo for J!

It's not just me that has noticed this major change. This is a note from her AT:

"It was a joy to work with Jordan today. What a difference! She was so focused and ready to
face her issues. Having the big yucky leave is HUGE for her and all of
us who know and love her. Looking forward to next week."

She also said if this major change continues, she sees J being able to come off meds by our 12/1/08 psychiatrist appt.

My cup is running over with gratitude! Thanks to Chris and Kristy for hanging in there with us even though it was really scary sometimes.

Playing Hooky

J had an appt. with her psychiatrist this morning. This is an all day event as it 1 1/2 hours each way, plus the time in the waiting room, etc. Since I had only started J on the Abilify last Friday night there was no sense in going to the appointment. I had already scheduled the time off from work so I played hooky and stayed at home with J.

8 days of math lessons, 3 history lessons and 4 days of Language Arts were accomplished. 5 assessments that were all graded at 100%. No power struggles, meltdowns or bad attitudes. Yeah! It might never happen again but I sure did enjoy today.

Any ideas how a single mom can make a living at home?

Really nice days

It was so great to be a accepted as a loving, caring mom. I reveled in every blessed moment. The great thing is J did too. She did great over the weekend. Saturday she was still sick and slept most of the day.

Saturday night the birthday fairy flew into her room and delivered balloons, chocolate and a birthday card. This morning we kept it really low key no big birthday party but she had chocolate brownies for breakfast, opened her Air Kicks and started practicing with them. Brunch at the Dillard House. J didn't eat a lot as her stomach still wasn't feeling 100%. She wouldn't admit to still feeling bad until I promised her she could still go up to the farm zoo and pet the alpacas, miniature goats, horses and such.

We stopped on the way home to see Big Mama (G's mother) for about 10 minutes then home where she opened her baby doll, crib and bottles. She was over the moon! While she was playing in her room she took a nap much to the surprise of both of us.

A great weekend was had by all!

Quick update

Short and sweet post:

Great news! J is sick. The first time that I have known that she is sick. Honestly. If she has ever been sick it would've had to have been something I wouldn't notice. I've always heard that most radical kids don't get sick much for some strange reason. I'm taking this as a strong sign that she is healing emotionally. #1 She trusted me enough to tell me and #2 Her defenses were down enough to allow a germ in.

So my sweet baby has a sore throat, fever, stuffy nose, achy muscles, nauseous, headache, etc. And I'm having the best time showing her lots of extra TLC, homemade chicken soup, etc. She's allowing it to happen, accepting and responsive to it. Yeah for my kid!!!

Bless her sweet little heart...

Vote

I am tired of politics and refrain from posting about them here. I went to vote last Friday. Actually I went last Monday too but the line was 1 1/2 hours long so I decided to try another day.

Then yesterday I read this post on FaerieMama's blog. Doesn't matter which side you're voting for it's a great read. I love reading about hope.

Which ever side you're on...just remember to go vote.

Cause you asked...

Twilight....oh how I loved the Twilight series. You on the other hand might hate Twilight. Kristina is not a fan. Yet, she's the reason I read them. I had never heard of them but I was stalking Kristina and read her review and then I saw her little avatar or whatever you call that thingy. Perusing a book store (one of my favorite places to hang out) one day I picked up a copy and read the little jacket. Hmmm.... I put it down because I didn't want to read about vampires. It was too scary. More perusing....then I went back and picked it up, marched myself up to the counter and paid good money for the "scary" book.




Early riser that I am I started reading it before everyone else got up. 50 pages in and I was committed. 100 pages in and I couldn't stop. 200 pages and I was reading while I was cooking dinner. That was a little scary in itself. Before I went to sleep that night I was finished with all 500 pages. 10 days later I had read the entire series.




If you're looking for a scary book, this is not it. If you're looking for trashy romance this is not it. It's all nice and clean and stuff, not even any foul language. But it drew me in and kept me hanging on every word. BTW: They're very nice vampires.




Then I found out it was written for teenage girls. And 29 y/o girls (I wish). Yup I love a teenage secret romance book.




I was going to give the set to my other kid who's 27 (and a Language Arts teacher at an alternative school and yep...I'm still 29). So I casually mentioned it to her in an effort to fish. She's read the whole thing and loved it. She is a very discriminating and voracious reader. (There went that Christmas idea.) So now we have a date for the movie in November. Usually I don't like to watch the movie after I've read the book because it just spoils it for me. The movie in my head is usually so much better. But I'll never turn down a date with my oldest. She's the bomb!





First I loaned it to our AT who thought it was just silly. The next night she called to tell me to hurry up she was almost ready for the next book. Then I brought it to work and got all my employees hooked on it. Then I loaned it to Connie and she was rushing my co-workers to hurry up so she could have the next book. It was a real book chasing event around here for a while as everyone was tapping their fingers impatiently waiting on the next book. Now my mom has started it. Luckily no one else is reading it at the moment so the book chasing is over for the moment.




I thought the only reason I liked it was because I had only read therapeutic parenting books, cd's, etc for the last 2+ years. Evidently not so since it has really been making it's rounds around here.

Nah...don't read it...you won't like it......don't waste your time. Boring.

I am loving that little gun totin/cigar smokin/angel pup avatar up there. That is just the cutest thing ever Tracee. How do you get those things????





Still working down my list and Torina's chicken rocked the house.

Whew!

Cindy's back. I was so worried about her. She is as faithful as the sun rising in the east about blogging every day so when she doesn't show up it makes me worry. Please include this family in your thoughts.

Thanks to all of you I have many new things to try this weekend for the recharging of mom batteries. Tonight it is Saffron Chicken thanks to Torina.

Manicure at lunch today. Heavenly.

After saffron chicken it will be a salt/soda bath. 1lb of sea salt and 1lb of baking soda (p.s. if you do this at home you need to dissolve the salt in hot water before pouring in the tub, then dissolve the soda in hot water and pour in the tub. It cools the water off too much if you don't mix before and if you mix them together to try to dissolve they have a chemical reaction and the salt won't dissolve. I learned this the hard way). Then I'll be all relaxed and will sleep like a baby.

Tomorrow I'm having a girl night out with my friend Connie. Yahoo! No kid talk allowed!

Once upon a mattress book for the weekend. I sure do hate that I finished the Twilight series. Dang it.

A walk in the woods around the house. There's a little waterfall at the bottom of my property that I need to go visit.

Going to commit a random act of kindness for someone and I think I know who it is and what I'm going to do. I'm just in the plotting stages now.

Catch up on the DVR list. Dr. McDreamy, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters here I come.

Some time or another I'm going to watch P.S. I Love You or August Rush again because I think I need a good cry. FaerieMama made me cry with her comment last night and really touched me. Maybe I'll feel better and have some stress relief if I just let it all hang out. I hate crying because I am a really ugly crier. Yuck! Puffy eyes, can't breathe, can't see for 2 days kind of crier. Double yuck! On the other hand I've been having chest pains lately so maybe this will stop them too. Much rather cry than have a heart attack.

Some time I've got to implement # 3 on Gerri's list. Wait this is about my batteries. Next week I'll work on that.

Y'all are the best! If you think of other self-care things please let me know. I'm keeping all of them and putting them on the fridge so that I'll remember to actually do them before I go splat!

Positive Mom

Positive mom is back. Going to try to keep her here.

I was the recipient of the most wonderful backrub last night from a random act of kindness committed by J. Now I've got to put up the board for the scavenger hunt posted by Brenda. What a great idea! Perhaps Jessi could do one too.

Last night my "new" (2 y/o) fabulous laptop decided to poop out on me. All those times I said I was going to back up and didn't....I think I'm going to pay for that. =(

Made it through a funeral yesterday by staring at a picture of Puddin to keep me from crying. Afraid if I started it might never stop. Don't have time for that right now. Started a list of all the nice things I'm going to do for myself over the weekend to recover from emotional fatigue.

What are some of the things you do to take care of yourself? I could use some help on my list please.

Tracee, if you will please comment again I'll email you some info.

Have a blessed day!

Who knew it would be so hard to revise

I deleted the other post and put the revised version here.
I must be feeling a little sensitive today. Isn't it amazing that you can get 10 positives and one negative can just suck the life out of you. It's like all I can hear in my head. Blech!

It's so easy to judge a mess of words on a page. It's easy to judge anyone or anything if you don't live with it. No matter how much we try to show the big picture it doesn't work. You have to live and breathe it 24/7 to get it. Believe it or not I don't share everything here. I can't blog about half the behaviors because I am not ok with sharing this information. Besides I'm not near as eloquent or funny as all you dear cyber friends and I have never once claimed to be a great communicator. I would say that I wish you could get inside my head but I think you'd just get dizzy in the swirling mess. I know I do.

There is a distinct severity level to J's RAD not to mention all the traumas and the moves and all the families that couldn't live with her behaviors. There is a spectrum to RAD. Helen Keller is on one end of the spectrum, then there's lots of middle ground, on the other end is Ted B*ndy, Jeffrey Dahm*r, etc.. Unfortunately J is on the far end. I knew this before I got her. Her s/w and GAL deemed her a seri*l killer at 3. Evaluations by psychologists and psychiatrists printed it out in black and white. They wanted to move her into a RTC and to consider her unadoptable. I saw hope and begged for her. I admit there was some whining in there too. ;-)

The rules are always the same and have been the same for 2 years and 5 days. Consequences on the other hand change constantly. What works today probably won't work tomorrow. It's just a fact. For instance, this morning I gave her a small stuffed mouse that I filled up with my pink love to use as a transition piece. During the day when she's with her homeschool teacher if she misses me all she has to do is hold the mouse and she can feel my love. This is done hoping she will transition better with her teacher today instead of torturing her, trying to kill her, etc. Will it work today? It has so far. Will it work tomorrow. Very doubtful. This afternoon if she is self-mutilating again I will tell her to run along to the bathroom and pick to her hearts content for 5 minutes. She will quit self-mutilating for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow I will have to come up with something different because it won't work anymore. Tomorrow I will re-invent the wheel because that's what RAD moms do. Every. Day.

My expectations have changed. I really thought lots of bonding, therapy, therapeutic parenting and tons of love would make all this anger dissipate and she would be just a normal little girl. I have lowered my expectations but my hopes are still high.

We have had 3 different RAD specialized therapists say that we need an in-home, full-time therapist living with us. J still sleeps with an alarm on her door, Puddin & I sleep behind double locked doors.

28 homes before age 5 and the longest she ever made it was 9 months. These were all 2 parent homes. Most homes couldn't sustain the abuse for more than 2 months. One home couldn't take it after 24 hours. She was 3 at that time. She has been subjected to traumas that would bring seasoned adults to their knees in a quivering mess. She is a fighter. She had to be. Every day existence was life or death. Literally in every sense of the word.

Tonight I watched last week's episode of ER. Part of the storyline was about a little girl who tried to kill her sister. It was amazingly and fearfully familiar.

Don't get me wrong...there has been a vast amount of improvement and I am so beyond happy for her. At some point she has to want to get better. I still have hope that she will make more progress. I love her to pieces and I want only the best for her. I try and I try and I try because I believe she can make it. Many times I see glimpses of a heart. I know it's there. A sweet little soul trying to get out. I believe she's in there. It's just too scary to trust because when you've been through trauma, after trauma, after trauma you do tend to lose faith. I'm keeping the faith for her until she can claim it for her own. I am her mother forever even though she doesn't want me. She is my daughter forever no matter what she does.

I didn't want to lose everyone's comments so I've listed them here: (Tracee, I'll email you tomorrow.)
9 comments:
The Cunninghams said...
WOW!
I am so proud of you. I do not see how anyone can find fault in you parenting. You are doing the darn near impossible.

October 28, 2008 2:52 PM
Jillene said...
WOW!! That made me cry--especially the last 2 lines!! You are AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING!! J is VERY lucky to have you!!

October 28, 2008 3:00 PM
Alyssa's Mom said...
It takes all kind of ignorant people to judge others.

You my dear are a cut above!

Stay strong and do what you know is right!

Love,
Me

October 28, 2008 3:19 PM
Kristina P. said...
Oh, Lisa. How heartbreaking. I have working with kids who I know will be sociopaths when they get older. It's no one's fault, and it's not fair, but hopefully, they can experience a little bit of love in their lives.

October 28, 2008 3:49 PM
Dinah said...
reading your stories reminded me of the nancy thomas training i went to last year. you are one brave, strong woman! and it must be the most difficult thing in the world to set aside one set expections for another. you are doing right by J and she deserves that...and you deserve the respect of so many people.

October 28, 2008 4:54 PM
marythemom said...
Big hugs from your Texas friend (and everything is bigger in Texas so that's huge!)! I know you are an amazing mom, as do most of the commenters, but as Viv says in Pretty Woman, "It's easier to believe the bad stuff." (or something like that).

Focus on your progress with J (and it is immense), if not for you, where would she be now? You did not break her, you cannot mend her perfectly, but she (and many other people, including me) is/are better for having known you. You are doing the best you know how and that is better than good enough!

Know that you have my ultimate admiration! I know that I am only half the mother that you are (and I still count my kids lucky). I have a husband and a mom that lives close by - I don't know how you do it alone. You rock!

Love,
Mary

October 28, 2008 5:14 PM
Tracee said...
What a shocking, frightening, heartbreaking story. I wish only the best for you both. No matter what, you have improved J's life.

I'm curious about something (tell me if it's none of my business): how did a single woman with presumably no parenting experience get workers to agree to let you adopt a child with so many challenges? The only reason I ask is because I'm also single and trying to adopt from foster care and my worker is very cautious about what I should attempt to take on behavior-wise. Other workers have also mentioned my lack of parenting experience and the fact that I have no support from a second parent. I'm not even looking at the kids with lots of behavioral issues or diagnosed psychiatric problems either. Just wondering how this happened the way it did for you and J.

October 28, 2008 5:31 PM
Thorn said...
Oh, Lisa, that's a heartbreaking story and I know it's still only a small bit of your reality. You're totally inspiring and it's very clear that no matter how far J can eventually go into the light, you've been and incredible force for good in her life.

October 28, 2008 6:26 PM
Ashley said...
I'm new to your blog and your life, but I have to say- I'm stunned and filled with respect.

October 28, 2008 7:53 PM

Scattered Post

It is good to be home. J really did well at the beach. No meltdowns, took re-direction, and we all had a lot of fun. Then we got home. Yuck.

Maybe stubborn just lives here in my house. Maybe if we move to the beach the stubborn won't follow us. Hum....... Fat chance but at least it was a week of less hatefulness, stubbornness, spitting, growling. I'll take it.

Torina posted about a day with J. How'd she do that????

J doesn't have FAS. That is according to the tests done in two different states by 4 different doctors. But Kari posted a You T that looks glaringly familiar.

I use a gamut of BC, NT, Katharine Leslie, Karyn Purvis, L & L, Keck, lots of love, bonding activities, sensory integration therapies, AT, Reiki, lots of omega's, and a host of other things. Teaching life skills is big on our list because even though she is off the charts intelligent she refuses to learn anything academic. Oh and BTW she can memorize a vast amount of information verbatim and remember tiny details of things we did 2 years ago or 2 days ago.

I truly believe she has a lot more control than she would like me to believe. She can hold it together for periods of time (hint: beach) then she'll revert back to 2 y/o behavior when she doesn't get her way. "I don't want to!" "It's too hard for me." "You're a big weiner assh*le." (No she did not learn this language in my house. She came here at 5 with the mouth of a sailor.) Then whining enters the game and it's the kind that would make fingernails on a chalkboard sound appealing.

Today I was a crappy mom. I yelled. Loudly. It was not pretty. MANY things happened and then the straw on the camel's back. J refused to put on her seat belt so I pulled over to wait (this has not happened since she first got here) G was in the car ahead of us and after we had pulled over twice he pulled over too. Told J no problem we could sit here all day and then she started beating the seats, kicking with her feet, screaming, etc. After she put it on the second time we were able to move. I passed G on the road from where he had pulled over. He called. G, "y'all quit arguing now. I can tell you're arguing." Yeah, I'm arguing. Right. I am trying to be a parent. I am ticked with both of them now.

When we got home I put myself in time-out. When I went in to chat with J. I told her the jig was up. It is so fine with me if she wants to be disrespectful, call me names, refuse to obey household rules, throw fits, etc. Not a problem at all. Because....every time she commits a household felony I get a toy, book, clothes or whatever I want of hers. No big deal, I won't yell, get angry, argue with her or get into a control battle. I'll just walk to the toy box. So far this is working. I have 3 small items that have been paid for retribution. Do I think it'll work over the long haul? I doubt it. One thing I do know is I have to keep changing it up. Today she loves her toys and doesn't want to lose them. Tomorrow she won't care. Such is RAD.

I love my munchkin, warts and all...just some days I don't like her very much. This just happens to be one of those days. Tomorrow is another day.

Sorry for being so negative or sounding harsh to all the non-RAD parents.

Day One

We traveled all day to North Myrtle Beach. 6 1/2 hours in the car. J didn't suspect a thing since I packed in camouflage in the dark of night. ;-) But....as soon as she got in the truck she knew instantly that we were destined for the beach. This is her 5th trip to this house so it's starting to become more familiar. We have a modified routine here and she remembers it. Routines are comforting to her.

The 1st day is down and it was really a great day. Yay for both of us! J ate her weight in crab legs. She has to crack her own and she does it very well and with great persistence. She was even ok with not being able to swim because "buuuuurrrrr" it's cold here!

Thanks from a little help up north J is off the Clonid*ne and starting to act like herself again. I know she is emotionally disturbed but she was truly off her rocker with Clonid*ne and getting weirder by the minute. Yuck!

Puddin should be eating out of Astrid's hand by now. Y'all think I'm kidding. I'm not. When I'm not home that's the only way she'll eat. 3 trips to ICU proved that. Puddin has issues too....

Witness

G has only seen probably 2 of J's meltdowns. Ever. Usually she can hold it together in front of him because well... she doesn't see him that much. Last night he was at the house for all of 5 minutes before she exploded. I could see it coming for an hour and had been trying to divert it but it didn't work. He tried to pacify her out of it for a few minutes. God love him. You know...giving explanations to all of her screams of "I want to go outside, I hate you, you're a meanie, you're an assh*le", etc.... Answering her with an explanation. It only fueled the fire but he tried. Finally when the screams hit the highest decibel he's ever heard he disappeared into thin air faster than you can whippersnapper. Honestly on a bad fit scale of 1 -10, it was probably a 2. Not too bad. I was actually impressed that it wasn't worse considering the behavior leading up to the explosion. You know how you just get that sneaking suspicion that something major is about to pop?

15 minutes later she was sound asleep and snoring up a storm. No restraints necessary as she wasn't trying to hurt herself at all this time. Just a calm loving mom singing lullabies while she rocked her baby to sleep. Note to self: do more tapping this afternoon on adoption.

He called a couple of hours later...."I just don't know why y'all can't get along." Hmmm....

Vacation could be interesting....

Warning...Potty Humor

You know....it would probably help if I shared all the med info. Risperd*l was started in March 08 and Clonid*ne was started 10/13/08. The fart police have been off duty for about 4 months. I didn't even realize it's been that long since that's been an issue. Now it's just normal farting instead of every two seconds farting. What a relief. Oh I'm so hoping this doesn't start back up now that Clonid*ne has been added. Geez aren't you glad I covered that subject?

Thanks for all the wonderful suggestions. They were great!!! Does anybody have any experience with benefi*ber? I was on Miral*x for years (3 times daily for maybe 8 years??) back when it was only available as a prescription. Then some really smart(y) (pants) person informed me it was only one molecule different than antifreeze. Weirded me out so much I never took it again. I KNOW it doesn't work that way but it was already in my head. The DVR had already hit auto-protect and the delete button didn't work.

Trying to be excited about vacation. I haven't broken the news to J yet. She does so much better if you don't share "fun" information ahead of time. She will sabotage it every time. For that matter Puddin doesn't like advance information either. Bring out luggage and Puddin is FREAKING out! So my plan is to pack the van Sunday night. Put J in the bed, then let Puddin out the back door to play then stash the luggage as quickly as possible before I get busted. Camouflage might be necessary. Sounds like a good plan but I'll just betcha some smarty (pants) will let the cat out of the bag before I can execute.

P.S. How do you get prune juice down a kid? Any tricks to this????

Celebrating Ceyja

This picture of Puddin is just for Ceyja to celebrate her new blog. Welcome to blogging Ceyja. I am so glad you're here and look forward to getting to know you better. Your sister, Maia, is pretty cool too but don't tell her I said that! ;-) It'll be our little secret!

Effects

Can anyone tell me if risperd*l causes constipation? Isn't that a lovely way to open???? We've upped water intake, added grape juice, exercise and extra fiber foods in the diet but honestly it's not working much. Any advice??? I think the 4 lbs she's gained is all poop. Since she already has poop issues I try to make this a non-issue with me so it's hard to monitor.

The clonid*ne really seems to be helping her sleep better which is a really good thing even though I hate meds. J was waking up every morning with black eyes and bags. This morning there was a great improvement with the dark circles.

The good news is that J made some serious efforts with me last night. She was very helpful in the kitchen. Volunteered to do the dishes and volunteered to give me a foot rub. Yahoo!

Oh...and about this morning....I woke up to Jessi ringing the doorbell at 7:30. That 5:45 alarm meant nothing to me. It was a figment of my imagination. Can you say...rude awakening? Still cannot believe I slept that late?! I don't sleep that late on weekends and I was asleep @ 9:15 last night. What is up with that?

Behaviors and happenings are just not bloggable these days. Sorry.

The p-doc recommends RTC. I am against that idea. She also told J that if she didn't get a grip she was headed for jail. J laughed. P-doc told her it wasn't funny. Nope. It's not. She added another drug instead of increasing risperd*l because her cholesterol was elevated. Sorry...I am not worried about her cholesterol right now. I am tired and tired of whining.

Go read Ceyja & Maia's new blog. Ceyja's Days. They have reminded me that I have no reason to whine so I'm dragging my whiny butt outta here.

P.S.

Dinah just brought up a another thought. Sometimes if I have a little spare cash I'll pay for the people behind me in the drive thru. Once in the parking lot was a group of police officers talking. I got'em a bag of biscuits and took them out. They looked scared to take them. Like there might've had a bomb in the bag. Of course it could've been the no make-up, Saturday sweats and harem scarem hair. ;-)

Random Acts of Kindness

Well...I am still positive (most of me anyway) today unfortunately J didn't get the memo. Tantrums ALL. DAY. LONG. 10 minutes before bedtime she just stopped. Hmmm....

The good news is I didn't lose my cool, I won the lottery and she'll probably sleep really well. Tomorrow she'll wake up in a better mood.
Play group therapy tomorrow. Woo hoo!

Now I'm taking a different direction. Random Act of Kindness....
Just because we don't go to church right now we still do tithes. J puts so much of her chore money in her little Ziploc tithe bag and I have a percentage taken out of my check and direct deposited into a savings account labeled tithes. That direct deposit business is wonderful because I never miss it. If I got my grubby little hands on it the chances are it would be spent. Probably for therapy. ;-) I love to secretly help people that need help or have a dream they're trying to reach. It's really wonderful to do it secretly because then you have absolutely no expectations. You can't worry about them spending it on what you want them to spend it on (which is none of my business) or be expecting a thanks (which isn't necessary). Preferably I take the cash out of the account, put it in a really pretty card and just sign it "Love". No name. Nothing. It gives me the warm fuzzies all over because it was a random act of kindness.

Another random act of kindness that I used to do is send birthday cards. I'd pick an office and send anonymous birthday cards to every employee for an entire year. One office was pretty large. 100 or so employees.... I would go the Hallmark once a month and pick out birthday cards for all the people that were having birthdays for the next month. I would have a grand time picking out those cards and the process could amuse me for an hour or more if I had the time. Then I'd go write sign all the cards and have them ready to mail a few days before the person's birthday. I wouldn't sign them with my name silly! I'd put nonsensical stuff like, hoping all your dreams come true, you deserve them, etc., then I'd turn the card upside down and sign "L". My penmanship is REALLY bad so it looked nothing like an "L" once upside down. So anywho the whole year passed and I had sent everyone in the office a card. I started hearing rumors about people talking about their birthday cards and wondering who was sending them. At the end of the year a group of people at the office thought they had figured out who was sending the cards. They thought it was a guy that had retired from management about 6 months before. They threw him a huge birthday party. Isn't that cool!!!!! Random acts of kindness can make some really cool things happen.

Sometimes it's hard to be all sneaky about it but I still keep trying.... I like being sneaky.

Tomorrow I'm going to be sneaky. It'll make me feel better and some unsuspecting stranger will feel better too.

What are you going to do for your random act of kindess today?

Less Drama

Ok...this may or may not be a rambling post. Apologies now rather than later cause you might not make it to the end.

I am projecting my thoughts on a happy, peaceful, calm child. I am going to put all my energy into these thoughts instead of worrying about the next meltdown. Secondary PTSD wants all my energy to go into projecting the next drama and it sends me into the same flight or fight that J battles. I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. GO. THERE. (today)

This morning J & I created a new set of beliefs for ourselves and read them over and over. Some of them are below:
Mine:
1. J is a normal, happy, healthy child.
2. J isable to show me love and be loved by me.
3. J is completely healed.
4. J is nice to me.
5. J is nice to Mrs. Kacak
6. I live in a calm and happy home that will be filled with peace and light.
7. I help others.
8. God & angels watch over me.
9. My home is safe.
10. We won the lottery!

J wrote her own set of beliefs in her own words:
1. I have an awesome mom.
2. I am a very good girl.
3. I can make mistakes.
4. Mom, Miss Kristy and Miss Chris help me get out my yuckies.
5. I will have a great day.
6. Mom keeps me safe.
7. All my yuckies have left.
8. My dreams came true. They are I give love and get love.
9. I am a normal 7 y/o.
10. I am magic.
11. I make good choices.
12. I play with friends.
13. I am a good friend.
14. I am nice to mom every day.
15. I love to learn.
16. I am carefree.
17. I have a happy life.
18. God & angels watch over me.
19. I love myself.
20. I show my mom I love her.

I woke up in a happy, carefree mood and expecting a loving, cheerful little girl with a great attitude instead of the dreaded wondering of what I'm going to find and what is going to be the next fight. Attitude of gratitude and great expectations. Opening her door to find exactly what I expected. A loving, cheerful little girl who had a great attitude. Who would've ever thunk it? How much of my mindset controls J's behaviors is something that is bewildering. Can she read my mind?

I am enjoying the shift so far and not thinking about what's going to happen next.

Feeling a like a celebrity with all you followers. Warm fuzzy feelings...
Christa's "I root for you everyday" and Andra's "Looking forward to walking with you..." really moved me. I would tell you I teared up (which I did) but then Torina would think I am a big wuss but I guess that's ok because she already knows it. Putting on my patience panties and waiting for the promised pictures. All the positive comments are really taken to heart and some days it's y'all that get me through.

Posted by:
Positive Lisa

Small amounts of progress

And I'll take it.
The first time in almost 2 months that J didn't have to be restrained in therapy. Progress...

We talked in therapy about the fact that she's doing everything to push me away and nothing to show she loves me. Kristy helped her identify some things she could do to show me love because it's important that she learns reciprocity. Hopefully she'll really start to make some effort here. We also talked about how she should know who my best friends are, my favorite things to do, etc. By the time we left she had everything memorized.

Things are improved for right now. It might not last for 5 more minutes but for this minute there is improvement. She was very helpful making dinner. We had salmon patties, gravy and tomatoes for dinner so I told her the story of this particular dinner. It is comfort food for me. My grandmother always fixed either this meal or cornmeal gravy for me when I was a little kid (and up till I was 35 - oops! I mean 29). So now when I'm feeling sad or blue I make these and then I can feel my grandmother's love and don't feel so sad any more. So I told her when she's all grown up and feeling sad & blue she'll be able to cook these and feel my love and not be sad & blue anymore. She really liked the story and was able to relay it back to me.

We also talked about more things she can do to show me love and practiced how the key words are "Jordan, it's not all about you." and then what would happen. She also did all the dinner dishes and gave me 10 minutes on the computer while she colored. I called Connie and she's going to keep J for me on 10/18 so that I can go to the Saturday Al-Anon meeting. I cannot tell you how important that meeting is for me in that it helps me learn how to practice detachment from the situation. Many of the lessons I learned in Al-Anon are what have kept me going where others have given up. Learning it's not about me, I didn't cause, I can't control it and I can't cure it, you don't have to go to every fight you're invited to, just because someone calls you a chair doesn't mean you're a chair, detach with love and too many more to mention. Hopefully it'll work out where I can get to at least 2 a month. God bless her! Thanks to Kristy for the brilliant suggestion.

Torina, I am anxiously expecting the promised pictures. 0;-) Just because I'm feeling a little more hopeful doesn't mean you're off the hook.

To all you new folks I am so glad you're here. Even if it's just to be grateful that you're not a resident in our life. ;-) 13 Followers - you rock! Feeling really special now!

To all the faithful supporters, you're my rock, glue, calm in the storm, giggles, and sometimes snorts. Tudu your words will stay with me forever.

P.S.

Just a FYI....I am really sorry that I haven't been commenting much lately on other blogs. Trying to make a concerted effort to do better but it seems I'm really stuck in the trauma and PTSD at them moment. Analysis - paralysis. Hopefully we'll pull out of this soon. Thanks to all of you for being so faithful and so supportive, even when I'm a crappy, whiney mom.

Lynn, I know you're there and yes, you can call anytime. Any distractions are welcome anytime. I stink at picking up the phone to ask for help but I will answer it if it rings. See...still a dork. ;-) BTW...I still need your new email address...hint...hint....

More drama

It turns out that J was fast & snappy yesterday morning because she was trying to hide pee.

While she was apologizing to Jessi for the day's indiscretions I told her to also apologize for peeing on the floor in the Reiki room. She told on herself. "I did that with you." I had suspected that but was shocked to hear her admit it. Told her that was fine. Wasn't a problem with me that she peed in that room because she had to smell it.

Patience went flying out the window. Not my proudest moment.

I let her hear me telling Daddy G that she had peed on the carpet. May have been mean but he should know. Told him we're not going to the lake this weekend because I don't want to risk her peeing on his carpet and he agreed.

Afterwards, she had to clean the carpet then wash out all the cleaning rags & her clothes outside in a bucket. Then I sent her to take a bath. She ate dinner, Chris came and did Reiki then she went straight to bed. I was still so mad I really didn't want to be around her. Now logically I know this is to be expected but it was straw on the proverbial camel's back. I think the onslaught of behaviors that are relentless each day is catching up with me and wearing me down.

The defiance is still over the top. Feeling like a really crappy mom.

Therapy

Adoption stuff is really setting J off and the Jesus incident isn't helping. Therapy was very challenging yesterday as J spent most of the time spitting, biting, hitting, kicking, raging and trying to hurt herself. *heavy sigh*

After dinner last night I spent time doing crazy stuff. Like leading her around by her hand in circles with no purpose, spinning her around, etc. Eventually I was able to get her to do some baby time and it seemed to improve her mood. While she was putting her dishes up she did tell me that "she did NOT want my love". No shocker there. She is RAD. Love is scary to a radish. Love equals pain to her, so even though she REALLY WANTS MY LOVE at her core, her survival self says "push away" or I will die.

This morning she did exceptionally well. Very fast & snappy girl. Made it through breakfast with time to spare and almost had time to ride her bike before Jessi got there. Woo hoo!

As of 8:16 this morning she was spitting on Jessi, raging, screaming obscenitites, etc.

Meltdowns, nightmares, etc.

Fun oh fun I am telling you.

Anniversary dates are triggers we're already dealing with. Friday night, the sitter (without my knowledge or permission) talked with J about her bad choices and how Jesus died on the cross with nails in his feet and hands for her bad choices. Oh boy have we got problems now. Night terrors 3 or 4 times a night. Saturday morning telling me she is terrified of Jesus and that she's going to die with nails in her because of all her bad choices. I don't know this for a fact but my intuition tells me that she was "punished" with religion in another home.

Saturday was really terrible. Fit after fit after fit. We went to the lake against my better judgment. I told J if there was one step out of bounds we were going home. She held it together the whole time and by the time we got home I was starting to be able to stand being around her again.

This morning I asked her what she had to do after she made her bed. She replied, I don't want to tell you, blah, blah, blah... I went upstairs. Sneaking suspicion when she came up. Smelled her hands. Hadn't been washed. Asked if she did and she said yes. Went back downstairs to check it out. Before we got to the bathroom I told her now was the time to tell me if she lied. Yes she did. Asked her if she flushed and she said no. Flushed and washed but did a sorry job washing and wouldn't (refused) sing the ABC song. Got a book and told her that was fine. I'd wait. Huffed off to her room. Trying to hurt herself again so had to restrain. Then she went back and did it right. Came upstairs and couldn't get her teeth brushed, hair brushed, etc. Finally made it to strong sitting. Took 3 tries before she was able. At 7:30 when Jessi got there she was still doing strong sitting.

Jessi called and said she was refusing to do anything she tells her. The last I heard she is back in Reiki room and Jessi was going to give her a bit to calm down.

Lunch provided more calls on more defiance, shoving, growling, talking in a different voice, etc. Therapy @ 4.

On top of all this...I, like Tudu, am having nightmares. Ugh!

Assistance Please

Can anyone tell me where to find some really cool web award thingys like on the right side of my blog? I'd to peruse some and have exhausted all efforts to find them. I must be googling the wrong thing.

Rattling - Edited

Yes Jill she was sound asleep in her bed and I totally believe you on the vases & books because I've seen a lot of things lately that most people would never believe unless they were there. Heck...I wouldn't believe it either.

Night out....not only am I going to see one movie...I am going to see two!!!! I've NEVER done that before. Connie suggested it because she's brilliant like that. My tired brain would've never come up with that idea. Hoping my squirmy self can sit still that long, then on the other hand, I'm hoping I don't fall asleep from exhaustion. The Women & Nights in Rodanthe here we come...

Tudu...I wish we lived closer cause I'd so give you a night off...Torina...I am going to try to figure out that follower business. I gave it a half-hearted look one day, got discouraged and quit so now I'm going to be more diligent. Awesome mom Gerri, God bless her, already figured it out and added me. Maybe you can give me some tips Gerri...wink...wink. CJ thanks for the shout out. I think that bonding time is soooo important even with the older kids (even with that thing I won't mention anymore cause I promised). I have to use winking games to get J to stay focused on my eyes. I wink once she winks once. I wink twice she winks twice and so on. Sometimes I tell her the story of how she came to be my daughter, other times I just tell her how much I love her and specific things that I love about her (her sense of humor, being stubborn ;-), her toes, etc.

Dreaming of 4:00.....

Look! I figured out that Follower business. That was easy....Now just hoping I have some more followers...hint...hint....looking for the warm fuzzies.....
Cool that people can follow anonymously too. Priscilla, Lynn, and you other cool people....that means you too ;-)

We're still hanging in there. Therapy revealed some of what is going on is the 2nd anniversary is coming up. Has it really been two years???? What did I do with all my time before? It's all a distant memory.

I have been kicked in the face, spit on, bit, etc... for the last few days. Trying to project normalcy and picturing what life would look like when this passes. It will pass...

Tomorrow night I have an evening off with my friend Connie. Yahoo! Going to see The Women. I don't care if the movie stinks. Just need to get out of the house for a bit. Torina, I'm hoping you and JB have as much fun as I'm going to.