Tuesday, April 1, 2008

People that just don't get it....

Most of you know that my significant other, G, doesn't understand, doesn't want to understand and has basically refused to try to learn anything about RAD and sees only the charming, fake J one evening a week. She flirts with him and has even admitted to wanting to have sex with him but he cannot/will not see this. If I tell him she is having a meltdown or about the scissor incident his reply is "I don't know what you've done to turn her against you." Grrrr!

The AT put J on touch restriction with G during 12/07 due to her touching him inappropriately. I've never bothered to tell G that J is on touch restriction since he doesn't want to know anything. However, I do monitor/supervise their interactions very closely. The only reason I am able to do this is that we don't live together and they only see each other on Saturday evenings.

During the week of my birthday (first week in March) it really hit me that I needed his emotional support. I've been struggling along for these last 18 months trying to make ends meet and keep up the front with him that everything is fine.....He does help financially some, for which I will be eternally grateful. W/o his financial support J would be back in foster care by now. However, emotional support is so important.

The day before my birthday as I was walking out the door to work and adorable little J was eating breakfast, she called out to me in the sweetest voice. "Mommy, mommy....." to which I answered just as sweetly...."yes, honeybunny????" Reminder...this is where she normally says, "have a great day mom, I love you!". This morning it was..."I DON'T EVEN LOVE YOU!" in a very calm but determined voice. Now this is not a surprise to me...not even shocking but it was very creepy. I think this past 1 1/2 really hit me and I started crying. Mind you I am NOT a pretty crier but this was especially ugly. I cried for 48 hours straight. Gut wrenching, gasping, couldn't breathe sobs...

I absolutely could not quit. It seemed the harder I tried the more I cried. Uggghhh!

During this time G called me and asked if J & I were coming to the lake on Saturday. It was also during this conversation he told me that if J didn't come I wasn't welcome. (I think I am having a PTSD episode from this post). This was a bad decision. Insert Love & Logic empathy here...
To which I replied that neither of us would be there but thank you for the invitation.

Now logically I have lots of support. More than most people. Thanks to Priscilla, Mike, Heather, Sarah, Geri, my parents, Chrissi, Jessi (homeschool teacher), Laura, Michele, Evelyn (respite provider), Linda, Brooke, Tiffany, Mary, fabulous AT's and a host of other folks that I am sure I am forgetting. Yet, in spite of all my support for some reason it just really gets to me that this person (G) that I've had a 25 year relationship with, believes J over me. That just does not compute in my simple little brain. Maybe I need more RAM. I'm just not sure....

The next few days I wrote him a letter in great detail explaining what I needed from him. Basically it was either "get in" and educate himself regarding her problems, emotionally support me, realize I need time away from J, treat me like a human being and show up and participate in her life or remove himself permanently. I just couldn't keep trying to be his parent & J's too. Everything I tell J he asks "why" and will tell her to do something different. He questions all of my parenting right in front of J constantly. Trianglulation in it's finest form! God bless you Mike, for writing him a letter from a father's perspective. You rock!

He spent a weekend alone and came back with a willingness to learn something. J asked him to come to AT with her and he did but he tried to control her therapist and J so the AT asked him to leave. I gave him "Don't Touch My Heart" to read and Coming to Grips with Attachment by Katharine Leslie. He has read the first book and "says" that he's still reading the 2nd one. The AT will not let him come back into the session until he done his reading and scheduled an appt to talk with only her first so that he won't try to control the session again.

He has made great improvements since reading the first book and even if he questions what I am doing he will remain silent. Granted it has only been 1 1/2 weeks....

We invited G for dinner with us. Back to questioning my parenting and at the end he made the "mad cat" sound. You all know the one....sounds like you're in the middle of a cat fight. This was right in front of J. Double Grrr!

He was politely excused from our house and we went on with life as normal. He's still pretty mad/hurt/passive aggressive about it but J is my first priority. Either get with the program or you can't be here. Pretty simple.


Tudu said...

I am so sorry he is taking so long to understand. I am so lucky my DH assumes I am right and whatever I say is law. LOL He will come around, he may need to suffer a bit first but 25 years and his financial input shows he feels some level of commitment to you.

Lisa said...

Thanks! I am waiting on him to start squirming. It's the little devil in me that wants this..... :-)
You are absolutely correct about everything! Hoping your DH understands the touch restriction. Keeping my finger crossed!
Hugs, L

Lauri said...

I just found your blog because you commented on mine. Thanks. I find many similar traits in my three year olds behavior... this scares the heck out of me.

My girl has no offical dx- just lots of red flags for adhd, odd and Pdd, and perhaps RAD.

Getting other people to " get it" is half the battle sometimes, especially when our kids can charm the pants off a snake.

You are doing a great job with your girl.. keep up the good work

I am really enjoying your blog

Muppet Soul said...

((Perhaps later in the story this G becomes wonderful or terrible - but right now, I am frustrated with this person!))